Ok, all of you who have experienced long term affairs, I need your input......<p>Two year affair with H and OW is finally ending due to several things happening. He has committed to working on restoring our marriage. He has given me the password to his email account, access to cell phone etc. in efforts to rebuild trust. I know that there has been a couple instances of contact over the last few days. OW is not giving up easily and continues to call. Most of the calls have been not answered, but there was one yesterday that was. So, my question is because of the length of the affair, how realistic is it that contact will cease cold turkey, and how much do I demand at this point?<p>There are definate signs that he is serious about trying to make our marriage work---we have started counseling again, which is a huge step. He always said that he would never go back, so this shows me that he is really trying. I am just really worried that he's going to be feeling low, she'll call at just the right time and we'll end up back where we started. He isn't interested in me meeting his needs right now, so I don't know how to prevent it, either. Any suggestions??<p>(Also posting this on the recovery board)

Hurtinil,
You are right to be concerned.<p>What plan do the 2 of you have in place?<p>All he should be saying to her, if he answers a call, is "I'm committed to my marriage. Please don't call me. I'm hanging up now." And he does. It is cold, but any personal conversation...sets his withdrawal back at ground zero.<p>It's great that he has given you passwords, but do you talk about the contact as well? Communication is the next step.<p>Remember to keep calm in the face of honesty. As difficult as it can be, you want to encourage honesty, not make him think "I don't want to upset the W by telling her".<p>Did he send the no contact letter? If he did, obviously it didn't work, but if he did, it's also a way to alert her that she is no longer welcome to contact.

Thanks Lor! I was hoping you'd come out of where you've been hiding [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>The one good thing is that we are communicating about their contact more than we have in the past when their relationship was supposedly over. H isn't getting angry or defensive when I ask the questions, as we talked about it in counseling that those questions will be there for awhile. My issue is with the half truths. He has also said that lying became second nature to him over the last 2 years, so that is going to be difficult to break, too.<p>He hasn't sent a letter yet, but I intend on bringing it up in counseling tomorrow. He has told her, she knows it (as she reiterated in an email that I intercepted and deleted), but is sending little things to try to suck him back in. <p>I am trying very hard to stay calm (and have done pretty well!!), but it's difficult when I know that she's trying to lure him back in, and in the past, he's always fallen for it. She's very sneaky and uses lame excuses for contact. For example, he was her supervisor and she's now looking for a new job. She just had to call and make sure he'd give her a good recommendation. She's not going away without a fight, and I just hope we can beat her at her own game.<p>Thanks!!

I didn't realize I'd been hiding [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>So, if she is sending emails...does he have to read them? <p>He is the one who has to say no.<p>She sounds a bit like my H's FOW. "Oh my stepmom is sick." "Oh I hurt my back." Just mining those things she knew he'd have sympathy for...and the A would start up again. He finally did start routing her work concerns to somebody else in the chain of command. He says she hates him now. That's fine. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Do keep calm, it sounds like your H is trying, hopefully he will be SUCCEEDING with his "trying". But, there really isn't any reason for him to take her calls, read her emails. WS generally don't want to hurt the OP's feelings...which is can be irritating/painful since often the BS feels decimated by the A.<p>I'm glad you are in counseling. And that is a good place to bring up the letter.

Sorry, Lor, hadn't read any posts by you lately, but was probably reading the wrong posts [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>As for the emails, if they are going to his Hotmail account, I have access to it. Doesn't mean I catch them all, though. The ones I have, I delete without him seeing them and he's fine with that. <p>He says he's told her that it's over and to stop calling, but she hasn't honored that request yet. She'll keep trying to loop him in as long as he'll let her. Just this morning in his Hotmail was an email from her----she was forwarding something to him that he had originally sent her in January about an award he had received at work. Her reply was "this made me smile last night. Just wanted to you to know I am still proud of you". Too bad I intercepted it and he'll never know [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] It's that kind of stuff that is going to keep him hooked until they both give up and make it no contact, period.<p>As for the calls, he said that he'll call his cell phone provider to see if there's a way to block the calls. However, I know her and her tendencies, and she'll just block it before she dials, therefore, it will go through as a private number (she has done that in the past when he was at home and she was calling and there was a risk I'd see the phone and know it was her if she didn't block it). She's wacko and will try anything. I just hope she doesn't show up on my doorstep ready to hurt me or something.....<p>Thanks for your encouragement, I really appreciate it!!

Hurtinginil,
Long time no see. How are you? <p>One thing I have seen work with persistant OW is if you H makes it clear that he is sharing every communication with you now. So her private little notes are all out in the open.. nothing like the light of day and having the wife see every detail of the affair to take the romance out of it. So while deleating with out responding may work in time, is there a way to let her know you he is sharing everything with you?

I agree with Lora 100%, Hurting ... and BTW Honey, this news sounds very promising, I'm so happy for you. Bet you're exhausted.<p>If there is any way you can make sure she knows you are privy to ALL .... perhaps email her and in a non-confrontational way tell her you are reading all his emails and listening to all his voice mails. Would that be an LB to your H?<p>Also, I would suggest along with the no contact letter sent, you and H can include her letter of reference to help expedite getting her out of his work place ASAP. THE SOONER THE BETTER!<p>You know what's really weird, Hurting? Soooo many of the Y2K people are showing and posting that their WS's affair has died it's natural death. And doing the math ... that's TWO years for most, whether Dv or not, so many have been posting. Un-bloody CANNY!<p>Lv,
Jo<p>[ May 31, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hi Lora! Yes, I've been around, just not posting much recently for the same reason as you [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I could send OW an email saying that I am reading everything, but that is exactly what she wants. She wants me to be reading all her disgusting little notes so I'll get sick of it and give H the boot. She is a sick puppy and gets extreme satisfaction from making my life miserable. She actually said this in an email to me once. So, maybe I'm wrong, but it seems like just ignoring her may be more effective. Yes, I'm exhausted---mentally, emotionally and physically. I bet you are too, and I really feel for you. You are in a very difficult situation.<p>Jo---yes, honey, I have noticed the same thing for the 2 year natural death theory. Actually, they haven't been working together for almost a year. H switched jobs last June (to a major corporation that is headquarted out by you and Lora, actually), so that hasn't been an issue for awhile now. It didn't really change much, though, except for they didn't have daily physical contact. The A still charged ahead full steam with email and cell phone contact, and some physical as well. OW has since been laid off from the company they both used to work for. I just hope that she can't find a job here and has to move far, far away. Not likely that she won't find a job somewhere in Chicagoland, though [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Nice to hear from both of you!! Maybe if H has a business trip out your way, I'll tag along and we could hook up in person [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hey I was going to guess Boeing, but then realized its headquarted by you now, not us. Any way, yes, let us know if you get out this way.<p>I guess if the OW gets a thrill out of knowing she continues to cause you upset, your right that ignoring might be better. If only you could get across that her notes are something you share and it has become a you and your H as a team against her type thing, or something you laugh about or pity her. Or can you change or block your email? I know how stressful contined contact is, it feels like it will never end, and you feel a little set back with every one. Doesnt sound like you have alot of researves left. I know that feeling too. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I do think you may need to be prepared to have her confront you once she realizes its really ending with him. They often do feel the need to tell the wife all... once its ending. And she sounds like she has poor impulse control anyway.
Glad you are doing OK tho....hang in there.<p>[ June 01, 2002: Message edited by: Lora ]</p>