My wife told me that her ideal situation would be to have both me and OM. Of course she understands that this is not an option, but what I want to know is does that feeling go away?<p>After a good recovery do any of the XWW's out there still feel the same way now. Do you still want your cake and eat it too, or are you perfectly happy with your H?

I'm not a xWW but just wanted to say that you seem to be doing a good job of making her feel safe enough to express such a ridiculous statement [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Keep up the good work.

Good morning, Still:<p>I am both a former BS and a former WS. I know, I know...I should'a known better. Won't even try to get into the why's or wherefor's of the affairs in my marriage. I'll just answer your question (that'll be new for me!).<p>The thought of eating cake makes me want to throw up. No, I do not want my cake and eat it too! I didn't really want both when I had it. Carrying around all that guilt and shame and confusion was WAY stressful. <p>I don't know what happened to me during the time of my affair (well, that's not exactly true...), but for the last 7+ years the thought of giving my love or affection - not to mention my body - to another man (especially the OM) makes me nauseated. Seems so unnatural and perverted.... <p>I love my husband with all my heart, and I know he loves me, too. We're focused on being and staying in love, and we're both committed to doing our part to keep a happy and infidelity-free marriage. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>at peace

Thanks for your response. I hope my recovery goes as well. Right now we both realize we love each other and are the right one's for each other, but we are having a tough time getting through our walls of hurt and axiety, and her walls of shame and guilt. I hope we can make it.

SCB,<p>Your wife is a lucky woman to have a H she feels she can confide in with such honesty.
I have been out of my A of 6.5 years for 3 months.
I'm not recovered yet. However, I have been out of A. As time goes on, I feel much better, relieved and free of the mess my life had become. Some days, I wish OM was still in my life and perhaps then, that would equate to wanting both H and OM or having and eating my cake.
While A was going on, somedays, I only wanted H or OM, depending on what was going on in my relatiships with them. During a good day while the affair was going on, yes, I wanted both my H and my OM.Because all of my needs were being met. What could have been better? Well, the answer of course is to have had my H filling all those voids I had. But that seemed impossible so I wanted them both.
To answer your question, I can not tell you that I am perfectly happy with my H. Not yet. He doesn't know about A yet so there are some needs he doesn't know enough to meet because for all those years OM met them. The first step for me was to get out of affair and allow myself time to heal from the loss of that relationship. Now that I am recovering from the A, I am much more open to receiving E/P fullfillment from my H.
I hope I was able to shed some light on where your wife is coming from.

I never wanted both men. Although I found it difficult to pull away from either man when I did have them both. Ideally I wanted my H to be able to fulfill the same needs the OM could...and after H and I seperated I came to wish the OM could fill the needs my H did as well as the ones he did. I came to understand that NO ONE PERSON will fill every need and whim of a desire we have. The best thing any one of us can do is learn to fulfill our main needs OURSELVES, and learn to appreciate what our spouse does as a bonus.<p>Will she get over those thoughts? Well, yes, but it does sound like she could use some more good rational "AH HA!" type information to help her into that process. Maybe once she understands what's possible with you, she'll be ready to let go of the "what if" scenario.<p>Are you two doing any counseling? Have you read any good books together to help you with your recovery?

We start MC next week.