My WS still works "10 steps" away from is "former" OW. He assures me that it is over (dd-Easter Sunday 02). He works in another city that is 3 hours away so it is impossible for me to check up on him. He says that she spends alot of time out of the office, but of course her house is only 10 minutes away from the office. His cell phone is company owned, so is hers. He is in an upper mgt. position and can move to another lesser position outside of the office (not his preference, obviously). He actually resigned from this mgt. position on April Fools Day after the A was discovered but they couldn't find anyone qualified to take the position, so he is choosing to remain.
QUESTIONS:
Is there any way to get records of a company-owned cell phone?
Is it right for him to stay in his current position with the OW there?
Should I be forced to give up my life in this city to move closer to his work?<p>Please I need some advise!

Read Dr. H book it gives good advice about your stit. I think he says in order for your marriage to work your h should have no contact with ow at all.

<strong>Originally posted by Castaway:
QUESTIONS:
Is there any way to get records of a company-owned cell phone?</strong><p>That's a legal and company policy question. Is the A over? If so, read up on the policy of joint agreement (POJA) and radical honesty. You can read surviving an affair. I recommend you read the concepts section above to get the general overview. The answers will not be handed to you. You have to read, research, create your support group, work on youself, possibly get MC counseling (Steve and Jennifer are available for phone counseling) and then decide what is best for you to do. <p><strong>Is it right for him to stay in his current position with the OW there? </strong><p>That is for him and the company to decide. If he agrees to adhere to the POJA, then your feelings should be taken into consideration.

<strong>Should I be forced to give up my life in this city to move closer to his work?</strong><p>That all depends on how important your marriage is to you. <p>Additional thoughts. It appears that you want to have a lot of control over this situation. Fact of the matter you don't have control over this. Not all of it, just your part. Your H needs to be responsible for his part. If he is completely over this A, he would be willing to reasonably work with you. You also need to be reasonable with your needs. If he is still showing signs of anger and your on your best behavior, then it is possible the A is not done. <p>NO 100% answers and no guarantees.

Hi Castaway,<p>Yes, Harley does say it is essential you take extraordinary precautions to maintain NO CONTACT. He even recommends WS quitting their job (if they work with OP), and moving to another city.<p>I know what a hardship this would be, but you and WS should decide TOGETHER, as a TEAM, how to best achieve NO CONTACT. Every time there is contact the recovery clock starts all over again. <p>Like Orchid said "POJA" is key, Hon.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ June 02, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Bumpster for Castaway needing more replies.<p>Jo

Funny how when things seem to be going smoothly, I'm just fine...but Mondays are definately a trigger for me, so I tap in and see how others are dealing with this. Tuesdays are better. <p>It is difficult for me to demand his leaving the position that he has worked so hard for. He continues to assure me that it is over and that she is out of the office most of the time. And we have discussed actually moving our home to the same city he works in. Of course, that would be MY sacrifice as I have really built a life in our town and do not look forward to moving further South. I have also built a career here. <p>He listens and consoles me for the most part whenever I trigger and "go off". There is much tenderness and understanding on his part. so I vascillate every day. <p>Policy of radical honesty. I've read it. It sounds great in theory but if the A is over I don't suppose he would want to tell me everytime he sees her at the copier or hears her voice, etc. I will continue to express my concern to him of "no contact", radical honesty and, hopefully, it will work. I know that his job is more important to him than she is, though and that he would probably lie to stay in it.<p>BTW, we are in MC per his suggestion on DD and yes there is blame on my part as well. <p>Thanks for your responses.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Castaway, <p>You sound better. Maybe he could provide more reassurance to you. You know him well right? Well when he is trying or was trying to lead a double life, what did you notice that would catch your attention now? <p>He needs to make you feel secure in your relationship. He needs to show you that the OW has turned into a .....frog? No into just another person that he does not need in your life together. <p>L.

Dear Castaway,<p>I will try to condense a long story about my son's situation that relates to this question: <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Should I be forced to give up my life in this city to move closer to his work?
<hr></blockquote>
Should you be forced to move? No.
But should you go anyway?????

My son did that. His W became involved in an
A with a former HS sweetheart in another state. She filed for divorce and moved there taking their young son with her. <p>Obviously, it is very hard to maintain a relationship long-distance, even more so a troubled one. Plus, he missed his son terribly. After 8 months of no progress long-distance, my son gave up a job at which he was very succesful, fulfilled, and well-suited, gave up a wonderful old ranch house on 1400 acres of land that he cared very much for, said goodby to his friends, and moved. He now has a tiny apartment, no close friends, a so-so job at 1/3 less pay, and the OM (maybe xOM) close by. Fair? Certainly not.<p>New friends can be made. Jobs can be replaced. Homes can be replaced, but his family cannot. Looking back years in the future, he was not willing to take the chance that he did not do everything HE could do to heal the relationship.<p>I won't tell you they lived happily ever after, because that is not the case. It is a day-to-day struggle to stay positive. But this is what his sacrifice has gained him: He is near his son, he and DIL are in counseling, she can't use distance as an excuse to avoid issues, and he KNOWS IN HIS HEART that he did not let pride stand in the way of his chance of recovery. He knows he will be able to look his son in the eyes and say, "I did everything I could to hold your family together. I did not give up. I fought for US."<p>Please do not make the issue of a move be the thing that puts a wall up between you and the chance of recovery. It is very unimportant compared to what is at stake with your M.<p>I am sorry for your situation. It is not fair, and you are right. You do not deserve to be put in this position. A veteran poster here keeps asking us, "Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?"<p>Best wishes. Your choices are hard ones. I hope your H's A is truly over, and you are on your way to recovery.<p>Estes

OK, so yesterday, my H had an executive leadership meeting that was held from 3-6:30 p.m. He called immediately after and said that the meeting was moving to a local restaurant. This I can understand, because many ideas come out in a more casual setting. So I said, well I understand the purpose and if you feel like you didn't get all of what you need to say in the meeting and you feel that you need to...Go. He thought long for a while and said ok but I wont stay long. An hour and a half later, I called to find out when he was leaving and his cell phone transferred me immediately to answer system. Boy, I was pissed, so I got out some phone numbers of some of his associates and called asking for him. I could hear that they were also in this "meeting". Anyway, he called back just a minute later and said he was on his way home. He never mentioned the fact that the others had gotten that call from me, --they were mostly confused with the calls. In fact I don't know that they even said anything to him at all, but I imagine they did. He got home three hours later, came to bed hugging and kissing me (reassurance?) its rather amusing to me really. Is that too much ball busting? I think no, but maybe I'm wrong. this evening he invited me on a working recruitment cruise and overnight in So. FLa. Not sure exactly who will be there, but I was told that the OW would "absolutely not" [be there]. I plan to hold my head up and hold my own. I guess its just important for me to not just look good but be intelligent and funny too. Why? Why do I feel the need to impress here? Probably, because I think that anyone who works with him has known about the A and I was the last one. So I guess I think they must at least think that I am naive or stupid. Whatever, but I do have a certain amount of anxiety for tonight. Thanks.

Hi Castaway. I remember my husband going through the same triggers that you are talking of here. It's hard. Monday was always the hardest day for him (I usually saw xOM at lunch). Anyhow, it's normal, and the fact that your DH is reassuring and listens is great. Look at that as a positive. In time, the trigger of Monday will lessen, it has for my H.<p>About last night. You need to talk to your husband about this. Let him kno that you really appreciate the fact that he called you to let you know about going to the restaurant, but that when he was there another 1 1/2 hrs. that it would have really helped to have another call. Chances are he got lost in the hoopla of the meeting, but I do understand your anxiety about it, and he really should to. Yes, his hugs and kisses were most likely reassurance. He probably felt bad, didn't realize he was being insenstive, and wanted to say I love you in a manner without words. Anyhow, don't read too much into him if he seems over bearing with affection. We tend to do that when we feel like we've set you back over nothing. I know it can be a bad thing, and he will learn not to do that in time, but keep it in mind.<p>As for tonight - look stunning, be charming, and have a FABULOUS time. He asked you to go, and that should at least say he's proud to have you. I wish you the best, and hope you have fun. Take care.

YES! I feel great. Bought a perfectly suited outfit for the occasion to show off my recently defined a$$ and DID look stunning. Met a few of his coworkers (who I immagine have heard rumors) and WAS charming! Won $600 on the slots. Got in touch with "his world" and feel much better. He was completely devoted this weekend and very much in touch with how I was doing... "you doing ok?", "I love you" all of that. He takes time to listen and respond without defenses. Much physical and mental attention and I am so relieved. <p>Its monday again, and my mind goes crazy just about lunch time - gosh that really stinks and of course he was going out of town for the day, won't be home until 1 a.m. but WILL BE HOME! <p>Thanks, Tutter for the other side and I too have been on the other side...I just had no idea how devastating it was, how selfish of me. thanks again.

YES! I feel great. Bought a perfectly suited outfit for the occasion to show off my recently defined a$$ and DID look stunning. Met a few of his coworkers (who I immagine have heard rumors) and WAS charming! Won $600 on the slots. Got in touch with "his world" and feel much better. He was completely devoted this weekend and very much in touch with how I was doing... "you doing ok?", "I love you" all of that. He takes time to listen and respond without defenses. Much physical and mental attention and I am so relieved. <p>Its monday again, and my mind goes crazy just about lunch time - gosh that really stinks and of course he was going out of town for the day, won't be home until 1 a.m. but WILL BE HOME! <p>Thanks, Tutter for the other side and I too have been on the other side...I just had no idea how devastating it was, how selfish of me. thanks again. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]