I am a husband who has cheated. It has been 3 months since I was caught. A horrible 3 months and I don't know how to help my wife. It is over with the OW and I want my marriage back in a better and stronger version. I believe my wife does too. The problem is she can't let go yet of the affair. She admits I am doing all the right things but she can't stop her pain. Is there hope? What can I do? I am asking those of you on this link since you all seem to have been in her place. We are in therapy couples and individual. I am very focused on making our marriage work. I know she needs time but I fear she will never be able to let go of it and focus on the future. I thank you in advance for your responses.

Howbre,<p>It will take about a year for her to get over this. What she is feeling is absolutely normal. You can help her get over this by showing her how much you love her over and over again every day. If you don't, she will feel like a chump for staying with you. And she will probably feel like that anyway for a while. <p>It will also help if you completely open your life up to her, ie: cell phone passwords, computer passwords, etc. <p>She will have LOTS of questions about the affair - answer every question with the utmost of honesty. Whatever you do, DON'T HOLD A THING BACK. I promise you she will know if you do and you will both die a death of a thousand cuts if it comes out in dribs and drabs. <p>All of this will help her recover in the fastest way possible but even with these steps you are looking at 12-18 months.

It really depends on how long the A lasted, and how long you were lying to your wife about it. When I thought my H's affair was EA only (with my former best friend), it took me about 18 mos to 'feel better.' Well now I know that it was physical, who knows how long it will take? He lied for 6 years which sets everything way back as far as recovery, trust, etc.<p>I recommend you read 'Shattered Vows' at findarticles.com and the book Torn Asunder. They will really help you to see what your wife is going thru. 3 mos is basically nothing in the whole scheme of things.<p>I'm glad you're in counseling. Keep it up. Be completely honest and answer every question she has. HOwever long your affair lasted from first feelings until the end, is how long it will take your wife to recover. Perhaps longer.<p>Good luck

Thanks for the replies. I know it will take a while. The affair lasted for about 6 months. Started as friends at work and progressed from there to sexual. I was at this site when I was first discovered and got set straight on the honesty element. I have been painfully truthful. Sometimes to a fault. I tell her a movie we saw and now when she sees the movie at the video store she breaksdown. But I go on. I love her and want her back! Back but not the way things were. I am stronger and better. I just hope she can eventually see we can be better. Some days are just so hard for us. She more than I since I get to go to "work" and get away from the house and kids and the enviornment that I have destroyed!! How can she get past this?

Howbre, if you are doing all the steps above, then it will just take time. She has to go through all the steps of grieving to get over this. This is almost worse than the pain of losing a child. It doesn't come over night.

Howbre,<p>Howz about letting your W come here? Boy we understand her pain. There is a thread out here, about the 5 stages of grieving. This is what most of the BS goes through. <p>5 stages of grieving<p> http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/002494.html <p>Have you read the basic concepts here? Where are you at regarding the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA)?<p>Actually, if all you say is true (sorry to doubt but you WS' have a way of stretching the truth), then your W is in a better position than most. We can help her appreciate that. <p>L.

dear howbre-i believe you and i talked when you first came here-so glad to hear from you again. the things your wife is going through is normal-do all you can to support her,she will need it. just yesterday-out of the blue i had a very bad dip with depression-havent had one of those in a long time. it comes and goes. she will have these and triggers-all normal. is she on anti-d's. maybe she should be.<p>please get her here-we can help. the lonliness and isolation a bs feels is incredible. words cannot describe it to someone who doesnt understand-get her here.

I am a BS, and found out about 2 years ago about my scum-bag husband. We are still together, and although not healed yet, we are *getting there*.<p>So as not to blow sunshine up your @ss - here's the reality of what you need to do:-<p>1. Listen to what your wife needs you to do to help her healing.
2. If that means answering ANY question she has, then that is what you must do.
3. End the EMR finally and totally.
4. If you can't, then make a decision which party you want to be with.
5. Apologise, apologise, apologise.
6. Seek counselling to determine why you made the stupid decision you did, and ensure you don't make it again.
7. Don't expect any positive healing for at least 2-3 years. You stuffed up big-time, and it will take a long period to move past it. That's your fault and acknowledge that.
8. Determine your faults and shortcomings in the marriage that led to the choices you made. Don't blame your wife for a partnership that is half your responsibility.<p>Sorry if these seems harsh, but you need to face up to what you've done. Be reassured that your marriage may never recover, and instead of pointing the finger at someone else, point it to yourself and ask the necessary question.<p>Good luck, I hope you make it.

I am happy to say I have been doing all of the above. I am happy I checked back in at the MB site for this "reality" check. I fully understand what I have done. I will never betray her again and pray for her to feel better about herself. I have set her emotional life back 12 years. She is not a computer person. I have tried for years to get her online but she never is interested.

It's been over 2 years since d-day for me--I am the BS. It still really, really hurts. Some days, not so bad. Some days, I am raging inside. That usually depends on whether my husband is blowing me off--that's pretty common with him.<p>It sounds like you are doing everything right--just give it time. <p>And be honest (seems like you are really doing that--that's good. The truth hurts, but it's a starting place to heal.) My husband still lies. He never has told me the whole truth--I doubt he ever will. When I ask for the truth, he becomes angry. There is nothing I can do about it if I want to stay with him, huh?<p>Prepare to comfort her when she is angry. This time, you kind of don't have a right to be angry in return--admit to her as many times as it will take that you screwed up, you made a terrible mistake and you are sorry. It might take a zillion times before she believes it. My husband gives me an impatient "sor-ry!" when I tell him what the last three years of my life has been like. He acts like a kid after getting caught stealing a popscicle out of the freezer (like--"sorry--sorry I got caught.")<p>It will take a while--you better answer the questions about the sex, too. It hurts to answer. It hurts to hear the answers, too. But if the questions are asked, you should answer truthfully. My husband says the answers to my questions are a) too gross and I don't want to hear it (maybe I should determine that for myself b) will incriminate him c) are none of my business.<p>I was so desperate for answers, I asked OW, and she told me that I was a crazy lunatic while refusing to answer my question.(I guess my husband told her I was crazy so he'd have a reason for an affair. . .but, hey, at least I am not so crazy that I sleep with married men.) Don't I have the right to know if I have been exposed to STD's? Especially if he was sleeping with her AND me during the same time frame?<p>Your wife has been compared to another woman. Everything she is, everything she does, her body, her face, her mind, her mothering capabilities, the kind of wife she is. . .that has become a contest that she must compete in. The thing is, she never filled out the entry form for this contest herself. . .you did that for her. You sampled all the wares, you compared her with another, you judged her. How in the world do you think that makes her feel? Like a loser. Like she was so inadequate, you had to seek for more than she was already giving you. In her mind, she probably thinks that what she was giving you was more than enough, and you proved her wrong by what you did. That is heartbreaking for a person. <p>Don't you want her to be the winner? You have to prove to her that she IS the winner, you have to remind her in a million ways what she does for you, how special she is, how you appreciate her, how pretty she is, what a great mom she is, how much you enjoy her company, ect. Don't just tell her "sorry" and then go out and buy her meaningless gifts to satiate her, or spend time with her that you don't go out of your way to make fun and enjoyable.<p>You sound like a nice guy--a lot of us here would like to have a spouse that is somewhat remorseful (and expresses it) and earnest in turning things around to make them right. So your wife is lucky. Please stick around for the times that you need to vent. It helps.

Howbre,
It's really good, as the others have said, that you're willing to help your W to heal. The best thing you could do for her now is to bring her here.<p>Participating on the boards was probably the most important thing in keeping me sane through the first year. You do not need to be a "computer person" to join MBs. It's not too tough to call her over to the computer and say "take a look at this". You could help her navigate, or print some things for her. <p>You might also order some books for her. "Surviving An Affair" is, of course, very important to learn about MBs, but as a first book, I'd recommend "After the Affair". It is very gentle with the BS's feelings and has some real good ideas about how to begin to rebuild trust. <p>Good luck, Howbre
David

Howbre:
It sounds like you are on the right track. MC, Total Honesty, etc are key. I am closing in on 6 months now, and I can see a world of difference between where I am and where I was at 3 months. But I wouldn't have gotten this far if my FWH hadn't STAYED THE COURSE when his efforts didn't SEEM to be paying off. Sometimes you can't see the healing that's going on under the surface. <p>A few other people have recommended Torn Asunder. In it, it shows two bell curves that represent the WS process which begins with attraction and ends with ending the A, and the BS process which begins with awareness and ends with recovery and reattachment. Right now, it sounds like she is wedged firmly in Phase 2: Anger, and that's right where I was at 3 months. <p>In general, it takes the BS about as long to recover as the whole process of the A took for the WS. Keep in mind, the "start" date for that countdown isn't when it became sexual, it's when the attraction started to build and become a secret. If you and the OP were flirting and "testing the waters" with each other for months before you dove in, you have to count that time, too. <p>And one last caveat: she's waiting to see if the changes in you are "real." It is SO important to stay the course. In getting involved in an A, you "gave up" on the marriage when the going got tough. Now that it's tough again, she's probably EXPECTING you to give up. DON'T DO IT. You're reaction and the kindness you show to her now during "crunch time" speak VOLUMES about how committed you are to the marriage.

One minor suggestion, to add to the many wonderful words of wisdom you've been given already - if she asks questions that you know the answers are going to be hurtful to, try this approach - "I'm willing to answer that, but be prepared because unfortunately the answer is going to hurt you. I'm sorry for that. Are you sure you want to hear what I have to tell you right now?"<p>Don't try to bow out, but pre-warn her that what she's about to hear will be hurtful. It will give her a moment to catch her breath and brace for the storm.<p>Be strong for her - Don't give up on her. You've created this mess, and she's having to turn to YOU of all people to help her out of it. Surely you understand how hurtful that is, and how strong your wife has to be in order to even entrust you with this undertaking.

Thank you all for great words of wisdom. Bernizi you summed up things in an excellent way.

I answered you on the other thread, but on this one I'm seeing two gigantic red flags:<p>You state the OW was a co-worker. If you are still in that environment and still in daily contact with the OW, then the chances of recovery of your M are extremely limited, if any at all. Continuing contact with the OW is like constantly tearing your W's wound open again and again and again. Very little chance of healing when that happens.<p>Secondly, you stated, "I will never betray her again". This is a terrifying statement to me and extremely premature. Didn't you say that you'd never betray her before? And yet you did. The most important thing to do is to seek to understand WHY you betrayed her and HOW you are going to protect her against your weaknesses in the future. Just assuming you will never do it again is way too naive IMO. The first step is to acknowledge your weaknesses and really see them, and then you need to have a plan to protect your W and your M in the future.<p>It takes a lot more than a decision or a pronouncement. It takes a plan and acting on the plan.

Yes I work with in the same office with the OW. I have not seen or had contact with her in over 6 weeks. Even that contact was at the request of my wife (to tell her the results of my std test). We don't work in the same group and have no trouble staying away from her. My wife even came to the office to visit me. It was hard on her but she had to do it. I am glad she did. They didn't run into each other but could have. A big difference between me now and then is how I am communicating with her. My thoughts and feelings are an open book. We are both in therapy seperately and together and we talk every night (fun or not). I wish I knew the why and how I could have done this. I suspect I will as time moves on with therapy. It may be as simple as I was a weak uncaring ******* who lost perspective on what he had. I have that now and will never loose it again. I see the damage I have done to her and our children. I will NOT allow that to be repeated!! I will court her, date her and marry her again!! I adore this woman and can't beleive what I did. Thanks for your wisdom. They are words well taken.

Dear Howbre,
I think there is hope for you, but it will take work and time to get over what happened.<p>Be prepared for two reactions from your wife. Sorrow and anger. When she is sad, comfort her. Hug her, stroke her hair, reassure her of your love. <p>When she is angry, don't run away, don't withdraw or hide. Don't try to defend or justify yourself. Just apologize. Say I don't blame you for being angry. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help her with the angry feelings. And don't worry, those feelings will ebb, especially if you can face them and help her through it. Her being able to express those feelings to you are part of the process of her healing.<p>Another thing is time. Don't feel frustrated if you don't see results immediately. You are already seeing one positive result. Your wife has not filed for divorce and the two of you have resolved to improve your marriage. But even if you do everything perfectly it takes time to heal the breach of trust. Time to establish your commitment which was in doubt just by the fact of the A. The other element of time is to get through the anniversaries of the betrayal dates and to build new memories. As you layer new positive memories into your memory banks, the sad memories will become more and more distant. It takes a year for things to settle down and the second year helps even more.<p>From your attitude and the remorse you express I think you and your wife can recover and build a wonderful marriage together with the knowledge you've gained from a regrettable event.

dear howbre-so glad to hear your doing well. i wish i could bottle what you feel and give some to my husband-he is losing me and doesnt even realize it.(sorry, its a bad day-i think im done)

nikko, I am sorry for you situation. Thanks for commenting on my thread. I wish you well!<p>Espoir, your words were just what I needed this morning! I am riding the wave of angry moments and being loving during the sad ones! You are very accurate with noting the anniversay dates of events and I am moving toward resolve that this is a solid 1-2 years of struggle and then hopefully a lifetime of hard work to have a great marriage. I am trying to create new memories as I court her and I envision remarrying her as we work to improve our marriage and live those momment of new memories!

New question about my journey....<p>For those of you not familiar with my thread, I work for the same company as the OW. We don't work together anymore, but on the same floor. I have not spoken to her in almost 2 months, and have not even seen her in passing for over a month. That is until today, I saw her (and she saw me) when she was sitting in someone elses office. Just fast eyecontact and I was gone. Should I tell my wife? I wouldn't hesitate if words were spoken, but since this did not occur and we have had 3-4 very good days in a row, I fear upsetting the apple cart. In the past she has asked to be told if contact was made, but does this count? I think in asking the question I have answered it...but could use some reassurance for my wise fellow MB friends.