I think if you just saw OW, big deal. If your wife asks about it, tell her that you just saw the woman sitting in someone else's office and you caught her eye briefly. You should always, always be honest--that's rule. But I don't think there's any need to do any tedious reporting of every tiny little occurance, that just might trigger emotions. But if she asks. . .like I said, of course, you should not lie.<p>I like to think, in all situations, what if the shoe was on the other foot? That's how I try to figure out what people are thinking, so that I can interact with them. Now is a good time for you to put that into practice--put yourself into your wife's shoes and try to imagine how she feels in reaction to each situation. Try to think how she does--and then you will understand how to address each situation.<p>I am really glad that things are going well for you. Good job. I hope that your marriage continues to progress well.

dear howbre-i am in the same situation as your wife-husbands ow is still working for the same co. she was transferred to a different location, however she must still go there sometimes. i wanted to know about any and all contact. i made this perfectly clear to him. i had no idea she still went there-i was told over and over she was gone. during one of our more intimate conversations this came up and i found out he still see's her visually on occasion. this crushed me. there is no way to describe how i felt. if your wife asked to be told about every time-THEN TELL HER. do not play word games to protect her. she needs to know every time. i know i still dont know all the times-i never will. dont do that to her.<p>how did you feel when you saw her-honesty counts-if it was nothing, or you felt bad, or it made you think of your wife and how dumb you were, then tell her that also.<p>i hope this helps-please dont play games.

Howbre, this was the reply i made to you while ago in response to your questions on my trust thread... hope it helps
click here

Your telling your W that you saw the OW in ANY context will have the reverse effect that you think it will,if you do it, quickly and properly.BE HONEST...that is ,imho, the single most important thing you can do for your W. Even if you don't think it's important, YOU said everything,let your W decide what she wants to hear and know.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> In the past she has asked to be told if contact was made, but does this count? I think in asking the question I have answered it...but could use some reassurance for my wise fellow MB friends. <hr></blockquote><p>Although I am probably the least wise, since I am teetering on the brink of DV, here is my .02.<p>It seems as though it counts to you. I would think, that if you made it a point to tell about the "contact", as trivial as you would like for it to be, that it in itself may be a HUGE forward step. At least in your W's eyes.<p>hcii

Yes, I agree with the others. Also you don't want to put yourself in a position to lie. for example, if your wife were to ask in a month- have you seen OW? You would be forced to either lie and answer no, which she might sense as a lie, or admit you hadn't told her earlier- which may cause her to think that you concealed it for other reasons, not to protect her, but because you were missing OW, feeling love for her or something like that.<p>I would say, "I know you want to know about any contact with OW. I don't want to upset you by bringing up unpleasant memories, but I want to honor your request so I need to tell you I did see her the other day sitting in someone's office. I passed by quickly and did not speak with her."<p>HINT: When talking about the Former OW, it's always good to avoid using "we" when discussing her. The "we" just reminds the BS of when "we" meant the togetherness WS + OW "WE". I don't mean to nitpick but for example "we did not speak" subconciously will have that reminder in it. <p>As others have said, freely share any negative feelings you had. If seeing her was a painful reminder to you of a terrible mistake, I would definitely let your W know. Now if you had any feelings of longing... ???? radical honesty or not, I don't know about sharing that with your W. Hopefully that wasn't what you felt!Tell her all the things you're saying here, about how glad you are to be in your M.<p>Regarding your original post, some small ideas. Someone else posted this thought about triggers. I forget exactly what it was. but something- maybe getting a haircut reminded her of the A, because something A related had happened when she was at the beauty salon. Her husband knew it was a trigger for her, so when she went to the salon post A he did something nice for her. He said the next time you go to the salon you can remember the nice thing I did, not the bad memory of the previous time. <p>Another little idea: I think having your wife come to the workplace to visit, though difficult, was a good idea. Do you have any family pictures in your workplace? It might be nice to frame a picture of your wife, or even better, a picture of the two of you together, if it's possible to have it in your workplace. Even if you already have some photos there, it never hurts to seem like the kind of H who wants a photo of his cherished W around. Those little romantic ideas count.<p>(I speak as one who when I discovered the A, found in my H's briefcase, pictures of himself, pictures of the OW (including the naked ones from their vacation together) and pictures of our children. Not one picture of me. It hurts so bad to this day).

Think you should tell her.<p>No secrets*****RADICAL HONESTY******<p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

H -
I vote you tell her. This is how you start to rebuild trust...By volunteering information, taking the initiative to tell her before she asks.<p>My H wasn't very good at this, received a letter from OW; told me about it 3 days later. Delayed honesty does not restore trust. He's clear on the issue now so he says!! Could have been a huge positive experience for me had he told me right away. Good Luck CSue

Amazing wisdom!! Thank you all. I didn't tell her last night (couldn't get to the computer to read your posts), but I will tonight. I agree that what may hurt her initially will demonstrate my new honesty. The feelings I felt when I saw the OW have subsided greatly. The withdrawal took a solid 2 months. We had a fabulously romantic weekend and have had a solid 5-6 days in a row. I suprised her with a "kidnapping" My sister in law took the kids to her house and I suprised my wife with dinner, a Linda Eder concert, a night of great love making, and NO kids in the AM!!
We talked last night about what I perceive as some normalcy coming back to our lives. I told her I fear that while we aren't having long painful tear filled talks/fights (that often led to love making), that she shouldn't think I am not focused on what I did and the changes that I need to make. I think about it all the time. <p>Yesterday I went running in the morning and saw my wife's face the whole time. I think about her and not the OW more than ever. I am in a good place right now. I know the valley lies ahead and will ride that wave when it comes again. I pray each time the distance between the peaks and valleys is longer.<p>Thanks again!!

Well...I told her a few hours ago about seeing the OW (just a visual spotting, no talk) and she was glad I told her but eventually it turned into a tough conversation with her wanting to know how the first time we "kissed" happened. What was said, etc...) I really don't remember the conversation that took place on that day in August. It just kind of happened and we really didn't talk that day. Anyway, I am riding the wave and I continue to be honest and endure while I have faith and hope we get stronger and better!

Have strength Howbre, you have done the right thing,even if it put you in a tough spot. Be honest,tell her EVERTHING..Yeah, it DOES hurt her..but I promise, her imagination is worse than what really happened. Every time you share a private moment about the OW with your W, you are making a hole in the affair...Understand THAT and you are ahead of the game. <p>It is almost 2 yrs since D-day and my H STILL doesn't get that.

Answer her honestly.<p> But when you discuss it, you can also say to your wife- "I love you and I want to tell you anything you need to know, anything that will help you heal. If I seem awkward or reluctant at times it's because I hate to bring these memories up mentally because I am ashamed of what I did." <p>It never hurts for a betrayed wife to be reassured that you are not secretly longing for OW, or treasuring memories of the affair. Her need for information has to do with trying to figure out who she is married to, and who you are now. That kind of questioning will go on for a while, whatever you do, don't get annoyed, impatient or defensive. <p>There are lots of other things you can do to reassure your wife and ease her pain. Be as romantic as you can. The image of her face before you while you were running is lovely, and I bet she'd love hearing that. In a little card or a poem, maybe attached to a single rose. Don't be afraid of being sappy. <p>Another thing, as she presses for details, don't censor material that could help you. My H was very uncomfortable discussing the details with me.
He would neglect to mention stuff that "mitigated"- my imagination would be concocting something wildly romantic, but the truth would be pathetic and sordid.

"Every time you share a private moment about the OW with your W, you are making a hole in the affair...Understand THAT and you are ahead of the game."<p>I feel good about sharing what was a brief sighting of the OW. I rode the wave and the past 2 days have been good. We went to therapy Thursday and spent most of the session discussing "marriage" issues. Less affair, more time on one of the problems which is money responsibility. After we went to dinner and we felt such love for each other!! lol...anyone wanna baby sit for us tonight??? We may go broke paying sitters and having fun...but it sure is worth it!! Thanks for the continued wisdom!<p>Riding the wave in PA!!
Howbre

dear howbre-good to hear you are doing well. good for you!<p>were in PA-im on the boarder in the north-west of jersey-looking out the window now and can see pa!! we can do a babysitting co-op!

I am right over the PA/NJ border in Bucks County. Thanks for the offer, but I don't think my wife would like me getting to know other women at this point [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>How do I add the signitures and quotes after each of my posts?

only kidding!! to add stuff go to the top of page and go into "my profile" the link to do it is in there!!<p>im in warren co.-belvidere. we have a few other mb's in our area too. medic is in lehigh, and i think bramblerose is in sussex co.

Good Morning. I have been reading your thread this morning. Sounds like we are going through the exact same thing. The only difference is that the OW doesn't work at the same Co. any more. Sounds like you have got some really good ideas about how to make your W feel better.

The idea is to romance her, rebuild trust and respect, understand how I could have done this, and get her to the point where we are working on our marriage in counseling. I am also strong enough to know I will never betray her or myself again.<p>Good luck<p>
Riding the Wave in PA...

Howbre, you sound like you are doing a great job of riding the wave! Keep surfing, don't wipe out!You have a great attitude.

Espiore,<p>Thanks for your interest and support. How did you handle the annivesary dates as they came during the first year after learning of the affair? This summer they will happen and I know my wife will have a hard time dealing with them. ie: the US tennis open (i went with the OW and the Affair took off there), Xmas, etc...)<p>How can I best handle them for both of us?