Espiore,<p>Thanks for your interest and support. How did you handle the annivesary dates as they came during the first year after learning of the affair? This summer they will happen and I know my wife will have a hard time dealing with them. ie: the US tennis open (i went with the OW and the Affair took off there), Xmas, etc...)<p>How can I best handle them for both of us?

Got to bounce this off you guys. We carry with us a tremendous amount of guilt. So much so that we are now taking extreme measures to correct things. I know I am. My wife needs attention, something I haven't given her in a while. So that is my # 1 priority. When she vents I listen. When she insults me and attacks me I don't defend myself. The little digs she makes I ignore. When she talks about the OW and what a slut she is I don't argue. After all, I don't have any rights anymore, do I? The problem for me is that I don't take it well. The OW is out of my life but this doesn't mean I don't feel for her. Damm, I still have warm feeling and fond memories for women I loved 30 years ago. When my W attacks me It hurts very much. <p>My concern, My W and I made a decision to make the marriage work. I know she will continue to go through this cycle of anger then hurting then lashing out for a long time. I don't know how much I will take before I decide to quit. I know that doesn't sound very positive but I know myself. Have you guys felt this way?

Yes, I have some of the same feelings. I don't strongly ever feel like quiting. I know I must continue to ride the wave and get through to a calm time. How long have you been dealing with this as a couple? Do you have kids? I had some weak moments yesterday and focused on the kids and as Tom Covey says "begin with the end in mind" Focus on how you want it to be. Get past the rough patches and do something loving for her the very next day or hour if possible.
Last night my wife was upset I didn't attempt to make love to her. I am going out of town for a couple of days, and she is having a tough time with other family issues. Issue that were there prior to the Affair. I am not there to support her and love her through this (her feelings) She feels alone and needed comfort (sexually she gets this since it is a release from troubles). I find it hard to get going sexually when she is withdrawn and upset. She takes it as not being physically attracted to her. I find it not being mentally attracted at that moment. It is all so hard, but I feel we/I am learning to be intimate and married all over. <p>Please keep this thread open while I am away until Saturday.<p>
Riding the wave in PA!!!

will get back with my thoughts in a bit....

Howbre, I have a question for you...I am the BS and my husband and I are separated now, but he is still very mean to me...he had distanted himself from me before he left..I was wanting to get an XWS opinion of why he is treating me like I am the one who cheated on him, I never did anything to him to hurt him...but he treats me like it's my fault...Can you give me an idea of what's going on with him and whether there is still some hope for our marriage...?

Well, anniversaries are hard to get through. But interestingly enough, I actually forgot about Dday on the one year anniversary of it- just didn't notice the date. However, I won't kid you- it's a year later and at times I am still seized with grief over the memories. Part of it is that my H didn't do all he could have to help me and that caused the trauma to deepen...<p>I think it is good to be aware of the difficulty it poses for your wife. You could bring the topic up generally- saying "I know that sometimes it will be hard for you to deal with bad memories. I want to help you get through them, but at the same time I don't want to remind you of the hurt." Ask her to share her feelings, needs & feedback.<p>In the case of the Open, you know this to be a trigger. Plan something special for your wife that weekend. Something not tennis related would probably be best. Do you go to the Open every year? If so, you'll need to tell her this year you want to do something different. Make sure it's something she loves to do. Again, you can use the "replace the memory" philosophy- tell your wife "I want to give you something special to remember next year at this time" Be understanding if she has sadness anyway. The kind gestures you make will not erase the pain/trauma immediately. Over time, however, they will make a big difference. You need to build up a record of consistency.<p>A vacation together could also help layer in some new memories. Try to pick a place that's new and interesting. My H and I recently went to a country in Africa- it was so exotic that my brain's "hard drive" was overwhelmed with data to process. I noticed I thought about the A less and it seemed more remote.

Espiore, <p>I agree. I can only hope to forge ahead and create new memories. I will acknowledge the pain that key dates/triggers provide and be sensitive to them. I truly is like morning during death. Today we drove past a shopping center we visited the weekend before she found out. We look at each other and i touched her shoulder and our eyes spoke. We will get through this!

Tatchina,<p>Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I have been away. I really can't answer why he is acting so angry. Could be many things. Have you asked him? Are you/he in counseling? Is he still involved with the OW? He could be angry at himself for screwing up his life and is unable to get back on track. Do you have a tread of your own that I can see your "story"?<p>Good luck!!

You're doing good, waverider! You sound like you are being very sensitive. It's a matter of time now. Just takes time.

Espior,<p>Your message was just what I needed this morning! We had a tough evening last night. She had a "trigger" yesterday in the supermarket that reminded her of the A in a big way. (A song by a band that the OW and I went to together) Made her a bit angry when we discussed my therapy session. I rode the wave and made it through another rough ride.

dear howbre-i think you are doing great. hang in there and keep being supportive. it is so good that you are here trying to figure out what your wife is going through and trying to help her.

It is hard to face anger and pain. none of us like to deal with negative emotions. I know I am glad I'm not on the receiving end of some of the stuff I've let loose on my FWH.<p>On the other hand, I was initially very optimistic on Dday, hoping we could make a radical change, but continued contact for 3 months wore me down. My husband was withdrawn afterwards from me, not so much from missing the OW, or doubts but because he didn't know how he felt about himself as a person. I gave him suggestions of things to do to help me heal, and maybe due to control issues? he couldn't respond in the way I needed him to. I asked for some small things he just couldn't deliver on at that time, although he was making efforts in other areas. The upshot was I fell into a serious depression, which I am still recovering from. I can't help but think that our recovery would have been faster and quicker had my H been better able to face the consequences of his actions, and deal with it. Fotunately he is making alot of good efforts now, but the situation did get pretty desperate for me.<p>So that's probably why I have said what I've said in various posts. I think you have an opportunity now to deal with the hard emotions, it may be unpleasant at times, but facing up to it will 1) make the recovery go faster 2) prevent the wound from festering 3) facilitate creating a better marriage. Your wife will be angry at times, and I know it's hard and the impulse is to defend or run or withdraw. Stay strong for both yourself and your wife. That means taking responsibility, acknowledging her hurt- and her right to be hurt, comforting and apologizing. Sometimes it may seem like she is beating the subject to death. I think with your consistency in building trust you will see the anger and pain decrease over time. There will still be bad moments occasionally, but more and more good. Just try to be patient. <p>I think it is probably appropriate at times to share if you feel sad over her anger, or her discussing the A brings up unpleasant memories of something you'd rather not think of. <p>It sounds like you're doing a great job, keep it up, surfer and good luck.<p>won't be on the board for 2 weeks- we're going wilderness camping at the end of the week- but I'll check back in mid July- post a note to say how you're doing.