I haven't posted in a while. I think it was Cleopatra that once stated many of us seem to come here when we are troubled most. I guess I kind of fit into that pattern.<p>In my last two sessions with Steve Harley, he was steering me in the direction of filing for divorce. Plan B was not an option for me. I tried it once about a year ago and it didn't last. I guess he now feels that I have gone so long in Plan A that revisting B wouldn't have the desired effect. He suggested that I file for main custody, mental cruelity, and adultery. At the time I am to do this, I will inform my daughters why I believe it is necessary. I'm supposed to tell them that there mother is wrong not to work on things and that she is continuing an improper relationship while still being married to me.<p>Curiously, when I asked him if he really thought my marriage was over, he stated not necessarily so. He said that if I filed, I must be prepared to follow it through. If my WW decides to finally work on our marriage in the meantime, I'm to look on that as a bonus.<p>The more I think about it, it almost seems like Steve believes this could likely happen. He has always been so pro-marriage that a reversal like this seems kind of strange.<p>I researched the possibilities by interviewing four attornies in my area. Thankfully, most family law lawyers will give a free initial consultation. It makes sense when you are contemplating such a gut wrenching decision that effects not only yourself but other family members.<p>I cannot do what Steve suggests. The lawyers have informed me that, in my state at least, filing for adultery will have absolutely no effect on custodial issues or anything else. It could effect their status at work since the OP is my wife's supervisor. In other words, it would be mainly for a revenge motive to do this. I also could actually be in a worse position if my wife loses her job over this because she could sue me for support. I also cannot say anything in any way shape or form to my kids about their mother being wrong. The courts may construe this as plotting against her and it could work against me in any custody issue.<p>You can also work into this the fact that I really don't want to divorce my wife. After all this, I still love her.<p>I feel like I'm running in circles here and I want out of the loop soon. I've been thinking of taking a Dobsonian "tough love" approach. I'm going to talk it over with Steve H. next time...

AH - I understand your reservations. But I think a "tough love" approach will put you in exactly the same spot - your actions would be responding to the truth. What you're considering instead, is to go easy on your W at your emotional expense. Please consider that following Steve's advice - not just because it comes from Steve - could be the best thing for your personal recovery. You state everything the way it REALLY is for the record. It doesn't matter whether filing for adultery has any bearing on custody. It has bearing on YOU. You lay out the facts the way you see them and let the cards fall where they may. In the end, you have a clear conscience that you were truthful to all concerned - especially YOU.<p>Dave

AH,<p>Consider this also. By hiding the truth, from your children, the courts, and the community only enables your wife to continue living a lie. What motivation does she have to change? Why shouldn't you be entitled to the respect of the people around you who can support you if she continues, or help her to see that what she is doing is destructive. I don't think you need to tell your children that it is "wrong" they will know it is wrong. You don't have to malign her or appear to seek revenge in order to speak the truth. You can tell your children that mom is seeing someone else, and it just hurts too much to go on. File with the courts stating the true reasons....if she loses her job, yes you may have to offer some financial support...but it will go a lot farther in correcting this situation since ideally you would like her back. She must face those she loves and comes in contact everyday...with the knowledge that they know what she is doing....and answer "why?" That is what makes people examine themselves...and change. I know you don't want to hurt her....but it is not you that has made these choices for her...and you are not responsible for the fact they she may have to face the humiliation that her actions have caused. Please be strong. Our prayers are with you.

Dave and SF:<p>Thanks. Your points are well taken.<p>One thing that is scaring the Hell out of me is the finalization of divorce. I guess I'm looking at this as a last step and cannot go any further in repairing the relationship once I do this. <p>I would like to be able to tell her, for the reasons SF stated, that I have decided to file just before I actually do. In other words, I'd like to give her one last chance to reverse herself just in case she is contemplating that possibility. According to all the lawyers I have spoken to, neither of us has an advantage over the other as far as when we file. I wanted to handle it this way just for myself. I need to know I did everything I could before this last step.

AH - that seems reasonable.<p>One other thing going back to your original post: can you prove adultery legally, i.e., can you show through admissible evidence that your W had predisposition and opportunity? Usually this means some proof of a physical relationship via witnesses or photographs and proof of opportunity for more, e.g., proof of living together, traveling together out of town, or staying together in the same hotel room.<p>WAT

Dave:<p>My wife openly admitted the physical aspect of the affair to me when this all started. The OP did the same thing with her spouse. He didn't believe it and wanted to confirm with my wife. She did so. He now can be made available to me if I need him.<p>A flat out admission is enough proof. In retrospect, both the OP's spouse and I can come up with many instances where the two of them have been away together. I'm not sure if that falls in with your "predisposition and opportunity" or not.