Just thought I'd recommend a book I finished recently called 'Filling the Void' by Dorothy Bullitt. It talks about how to cope with major losses (such as ours) and to find fulfillment. I think this is so plan A.<p>Yes, we are working on our Marriages during plan A, we are discovering what needs were un-meet, but some of us have depended on our spouses for fulfillment and not found it - this is also what plan A is about, working out what our place is in the world and finding fulfillment with or without WS.<p>Bullit suggests working on these six steps during the grieving process. You may fall back to the first during a 'grief attack' or during hard times, so you work your way through again. You can't eliminate grief in one go, the mind has to work through it in manageable chunks. The steps are:<p>1. Halt the downward spiral
2. Face your pain
3. Look inward
4. look outward
5. Share what you have to give
6. Find fulfillment<p>1. Halt the donward spiral - stabilize emotionally and stop consciously suffering. <p>This could be done by nurturing your body (massages are great!), distracting your mind with other actvities and having fun, soothing your soul - it could be classical music or painting, and reducing stress. Once you have found out what stabilizes you, keep it in the memory bank for next time you are back at this stage. Posting on MB or journalling helps a lot. <p>2. Facing your pain - weep, rage, be angry. Feel the pain, don't try to hide from it or numb it. Be alone during these times or be with people. To be truly happy, you must feel pain. Pray during these times, it helps, and eventually they will pass.Remember to release your anger without hurting others. Again journalling helps.<p>
3. Looking Inward - look inside yourself for direction about where your future will go now. Remember, just because you plan A your butt off, fix all your problems and be the perfect spouse, it dosen't guarantee your WS will come back to you. It is their life and they can choose to leave. Let go of controlling WS, forgive them, but don't endorse or condone their behaviour. Forgive yourself - you contributed to the environment for an affair but you didn't cause it. By plan Aing you are atoning for what you have done wrong and showing WS and yourself that you can change. Forgive yourself and move on. <p>Take an inventory of yourself - what are your skills, resources, desires? What is missing from your life? What untapped talent can you offer to the world?<p>4. Look Outward - how can that special talent be put to use and expressed? Can you help the community in some way, start a business, change job, or help those who are suffering similar fates to you? This will help you to stop you booding about your problems in a selfish way. If you thinking about the problems and magnify them into mountains, the less effective you will be at solving them.<p>5. Sharing what you have to give - when you've decided what you have to give and who you can give it to - just do it!! You will find that mysteriously opportunities present themselves to you ...<p>6. Finding Fulfillment - work throug the stages and you will begin to feel alive, and you have made the world a better place in the process.<p>Bullit compares the process to winding a ball of string - you wind, wind, wind, then drop the ball and it unravels a bit. You pick it up and start winding again, but you never have to wind the whole thing again. So is the grieving process.<p>Hope this helps - the book is great, short and easy to read.
