I hope this makes sense. I can hardly think.

I am a WS who had a EA that started in 0401 and went PA in 1201. I told my H 0102. I found this site in 0402 and have been reading a lot.

My H offered his forgiveness to me (I have yet to forgive myself). We have been working on getting it back together.

On friday my H and I were on the net. He left the house to run some errands. He left his email open. I looked.

There were mails going back to 2000. The first one I read told me something was wrong. I found many other, copied them and sent them to my work email (didn't want to take the chance of him coming home). I just finished reading all of them. My H has been having a PA since 2000 if not longer.

I thought I was floored on friday. I was mistaken. Too many thoughts, too many feelings.

I am so confused. what am I susposed to do with this information? Does anyone have any advice?

wanting

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 12:28 PM: Message edited by: wanting ]</small>

My advice would be to wait until you're calm before making any decisions. This kind of shock will put you in an emotional maelstrom that'll make it tough for you to think clearly.<p>It would seem that you're trying hard to recover your marriage to the best of your ability. You've made some serious mistakes but you have a repentant attitude. Your husband seems to want to remain married - at least so far. While this certainly isn't good news, it's still possible to recover.<p>Try very hard to keep the focus on you and what you are capable of doing.<p>I don't know anything else about your story, is there any more you could add? Have you established no contact? Have you begun counseling?

Hi Wanting,<p>How are you doing today? Not so good I imagine
[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] , <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> , [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I found out the same way you did. I think it is the most devastating way to find out. Your heart falls to the pit of your stomach and it is hard to catch your breath- your heart is beating so fast. You get p**sed and stunned at the same time. Your first thoughts are to call him and ask him what the f**k is this?! You don't know what to believe, but then you do. You just want to put a hole through his heart and bust him right out the water. Now you know what the problem has been all these years. His A. Oh, my God!(you start thinking)....What do I do now? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Save the emails as you have done now. Print them out, if you can. He will need to see this evidence. He won't be able to deny any of it. He will probably get mad at you for invading his privacy and then tell you the OW means nothing. He will tell you he is so sorry and just be in utter disbelief that you found out, but relieved at the same time. <p>Wanting....I am so very sorry <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> I do know(believe me), what you are feeling right now. The first A I found out my H had lasted 2 years, maybe longer [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What you need to do is take some time for yourself to calm down. Don't tell anyone just yet(friends, family, co-workers, etc..) if you haven't yet. Later when you are alone with him, on the day you decide to confront him, just ask him if there is something he would like to tell you or ask him what/how he feels about your M. Just to see where his head is at(try not to bust).<p>You have got to have a plan. You may need to take a few days away. If you do decide to get away before you confront him, maybe staying with a close friend or family member would be best. You don't want to be alone right now. You don't have to tell them why. Don't even tell him. Just go and maybe the next day call him, just so he doesn't worry. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I know you are feeling so lost right now. Don't rush into anything!!! Keep posting here and vent here if you need to. DO NOT LB AT ALL COSTS!! I know it will be hard. If you have read all of the MB concepts, you know all the steps.<p>Once again, I am so very sorry. D-Day is the one of the hardest days of your life. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TODAY. Make a plan!! <p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

Thank you o2bsane and intheclouds for your replies and encouragement.

Being able to write about this here helps a lot.

So many things make sense now. I ended up being vulnerable and having an a because no matter how hard I tried I could not get my H to address my emotional needs. I get it now, he was having an A and had no interest in me. I wish I knew this then. I feel like my H left me vulnerable and therefore I made the biggest mistake of my life. Don't get me wrong I'm not trying to blame my mistake on him.

I just get it now.

I have only told one person. A girl friend who introduced me to this site. I let her read the mails (I needed to have someone tell me that I could still read and comperhend english, believe me I wish I couldn't).

I don't know how much longer I can keep this all in. I was thinking of printing out one of the mail, leaving work early (need to take care of this before the six year old comes home), and giving it to my H. I want him to know that I know. I don't really want to talk to him about it yet. I just need for him to know that I know.

I'm worried about the anger that I think will come. He has big privacy issues. Somehow he's going to try and make it seem like it's all my fault.

I just want it all to go away.

wanting

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 12:31 PM: Message edited by: wanting ]</small>

Are you in counseling? <p>Talk to him about it in counseling if you can, especially if you are worried about anger on either side. I am guessing that he has big privacy issues because he has things to hide.<p>Can you calm down and say what your heart says? Do you want this marriage now that you know what is going on and why?<p>This is just a thought but he has been hiding this since 2000 yet you only discovered it now. Did he leave the evidence available for you now so this could come out in the open? He forgave you he said, but has he forgiven himself? He may be trying to get your help. THIS IS JUST A THOUGHT, he may have just slipped up.<p>God bless, thinking of you.

First of all (((HUGS)))<p>What if you e-mailed your H and state what you know (PA since 2000), because the other day he left his INBOX displayed, then explain to him that you don't want to discuss anything but that you need some time to think things over in case he is wondering why you have been quiet lately... (?)

nursebetty: Unfortunately we are not in c. My H says he's willing but it must be someone he respects. I have not yet found such a person.

btdt: Yes, he knew that something was up.

when I got home yesterday my H questioned me. He said that I had been acting funny. I gave him a copy of one of the mails.

It's deny, deny, deny. It's you're reading things that are not really there. It's let's go over the details. It's this it's that.

Since I've spent some time on this site, his reaction was not a surprise to me. I do want this marriage. I want to know what he wants. I don&#8217;t want to endure the denial. I don&#8217;t want to fight about the details. I want to work on the issues we have.

I&#8217;m afraid that he&#8217;s going to stick with his position that nothing happened and therefore there is nothing for us to deal with. I have enough so I know that there is.

I&#8217;m amazed at how little I feel. where are my feelings?

wanting

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 12:33 PM: Message edited by: wanting ]</small>

Morning Wanting...How are you doing today?<p>I hope you got through yesterday okay. Today is another day. Still here, hunh? [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I was just curious as to if you confronted your H yet.<p>I just read that you had an A too. Don't worry. I know I won't flame you for having the A as long as you take responsibility for having it. I think you do. Just don't do it again. It is not the answer. It just complicates things further and causes more conflict. You both are WSes and BSes now. Your A is over, correct? <p>I think you both may need to get into some counseling. I don't think so, I know so. You really need to have a plan, Wanting. How are things financially for you? Are you working? How is your support system? Do you have a support system besides MB? <p>Why I ask is because you and your H got a hard road ahead. Things may get ugly. You have to protect yourself and your child. There is no telling what could happen. So, either way, whether they work out or not, you will be okay. <p>I am just really hoping you are thinking it all through and not getting so down. The beginning is the hardest. Some days you just want to crawl into a ball and don't move. Wishing it would just all disappear. It won't. If you want things to change, you have to do it. Only you can be the one to help yourself. We are on the outside looking in. We can just give you tell you our stories, share opinions, and give our personal advice. YOU have to be the one to make decisions and choices for yourself. Just know that you are not alone.<p>Your first choice to make is deciding if you want to make the M work. If you do, then you do EVERYTHING in your power to do that. Get on that wavelength with your H first then take it from there. You can only do your part. He is responsible for his part. You can't control or change him and vice versa. Understand? <p>Both you and your H are the keys to this M surviving. So, only the both of you can be the ones to change things for this M. It is forever changed now due to the A's. Nothing will be the same and neither will the both of you. So, don't think things will go back to the way they were. I don't think you want things to go back to the way they were anyway. Do you? <p>You are at the right place for support here on MB. Your friend is great for directing you here. Be sure to check in every now and then just so we don't worry about you(me anyway [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] ).<p>READ EVERYTHING YOU CAN HERE ON MB & BUY THE BOOKS. It makes you wiser as well as eases the lost feeling. Learn and listen. Plan A. <p>Hope you got that plan together. Hang in there sweetie. It's another day! Take care of you. <p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds<p>[ June 04, 2002: Message edited by: INTHECLOUDS320 ]</p>

intheclouds

My "A" is over. It was an EA that had one physical encounter. Honestly, I think it would have lasted much longer if it had never gone physical. My need for conversation and acceptance were being taken care of. There was something very "high school" like about it. Plenty of excitement. Worst mistake I've every made in my life. I never thought that I would compromise myself in such a manor.

I really do wish I had found this site before my "A". I always knew that I had different needs (physical, emotional, etc) but I did not give them the same value. I thought my emotional needs (second class citizens) some how were not as important as the other more tangible/physical needs. Hope this makes sense.

I guess there's a big part of me that believes that I got what I deserved. My friend pointed out that his "A" started before mine. My discovery came first. No matter what the hurt is the same. I just wish my H would stop the denial so we can proceed. I know we have a lot of work to do.

He says that he has forgive me. I'm beginning to wonder if he has. He's confusing me. I'm willing to forgive him also, but he first needs to acknowledge that there is something that needs to be forgiven. How can we move on unless he does?

As you can see I'm very much in my head today. I wonder where my emotions are.

wanting

<small>[ November 15, 2003, 12:36 PM: Message edited by: wanting ]</small>

As much as you should find a MC, if your husband is being picky, go out and at least find one (an IC) for yourself for now. I don't think I would have made it if not for having a professional to talk to during these times. You can only depend on a friend for so much before you start to take advantage of that friendship. Seek out a professional, they can help greatly.

Wanting - Your feelings are numb and in shock right now. You are trying to digest it all and figure out what direction your life is headed in.<p>About the MC - If your husband agrees to one, and is being so darn picky maybe he should find one. Let him know that obviously your marriage has issues that need to be addressed. That YOU see the calls for help in your relationship and know that it is well due for a professional to step in and help. That he needs to find one, since you are incapable of finding one that suits him, and that if he doesn't you feel that the marriage is destined to fail.<p>About his A. You have the proof. You've approached him with some of it. He denies! Of course he does. He also probably feels that this is the only one you have and has since gone into his account and deleted the rest. Me, I would print them all off, bring them home and lay them on the table for him to see when he gets there. Also, keep a copy for yourself at work or something. Let's see how many "that's not what it means" he can come up with when he sees it all.<p>Sure, he forgives you, because he has his own little secret and he can now justify it more. <p>I'm sorry if this seems drastic, and evil. I'm sure others may disagree with what I am saying. By all means, the ultimate decision is yours. However, if you want to salvage your marriage you have to say "here is what I know". "We have now both messed up. I own my mistakes, and you need to own yours so we can move forward together - if that's what you want to do." The reason I say this is because he will deny as much as he can, even if he wants to save the marriage. He will try to walk away from the A quietly and have you not know any better. It can't be done that way! I know, I was there. I wasn't capable of coming clean until I was really faced down with it all, and only then could I move toward a better future for my husband and me.<p>I wish you the best. Take care of yourself.

{{{{{{Hey there...}}}}}<p>The A made you feel like a high school girl again, hunh? I remember that is how I felt. <p>You didn't fall in love with the OM did you?
Could it be maybe you are comparing the two or maybe missing that feeling you had with the OM? <p>I don't know.....
I'm trying to recall how I felt after my A and after so many of his A's. After a while I just felt numb too. I was scared to feel anything because I didn't want to get sucked back into his trap again. I wanted to feel like that "school girl" again and I just couldn't with my H....or didn't trust in him enough to give into my love for my H in fear that he'd hurt me again. <p>Til this day I am still holding back my complete love for him because I still have reservations about this M and if his A's are over. You know what I am saying? I mean...what's to stop him if another temptation arises again, you know? <p>We lied so much to each other about our A's. I think I lied about the contact with the OM because I didn't want to face that I hurt my H. I wanted to stay in that fantasy. I was scared that I would lose my H. He had so many A's at the time and still was when he found out about mine. Back then I felt I had already lost him. When he showed pain for me having my A, it questioned everything I felt about my M. It confused me. Then again, I was holding onto the A just in case....you know what I mean? <p>Even when I did stop contact with the OM, I held onto the memory of it....or memory of the way I felt then. I think I did to protect myself. For some reason, I got strength from those feelings. It made me see that I was desireable and wanted. The memorries of those feelings gave me comfort. <p>At some point I did realize that I used it as a defense method. Its disadvantage was that it kept me from feeling what I needed to feel for my H. Still struggle with that today, at times. <p>It finally came down to the point where I just had to let it go. I had to leave it in God's hands if I wanted anything to change. It's my life. I am worth it and I am important. I could not force this man to love me, want me, or be the H I thought he should be. I couldn't control or change him, but I could control and change myself. I knew I would be okay no matter what. I know this now. <p>Gonna cut this short...sorry it's so long [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Just ask yourself....WHAT IS YOUR PAYOFF FOR NOT FEELING? Only you know what you feel deep down, Wanting. Only you can change it and only if you WANT to change it. <p>One more thing.....
You already know he is having an A. Why do you need to hear him say it? Do what you have to do! Don't wait on him. Please make a plan and start on it now!<p>TAKE CARE OF YOU
Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds