Hello (married 5 years, husband having one and off afairs for 10months)
I have known about my H. affair(s) for a month now. He feels he did nothing wrong and is making all the decisions. He is not "in" love w/ me and wants it to "end" - has not mentionned divorce but has said he is moving out. After a couple weeks of snot and tears I am trying to figure this all out.
The most important thing today is that he is all decided and can not tell me why. He has made all the decisions and is very business like about it.
He doesn't sound like the person I know and love for 7years (married 5). We had a great relationship, we both travel quite a bit, the sex decreased in the past year or two, but we both seemed fine with it...I actually tried to initiate many many times in the recent past only to get kindly shrugged off. ( so you think I would have had the affairs)
I love him so dearly and want to try and work on this and communcaite why it happened and what we could do differently...he can't even go there right now, just keeps making life decisions without me.
He has spent the last four weekends with the other woman, under the guise of business trips.
Now he finally came home after the last business trip and said we will do some "planning" tonight...just like it was a work thing.
I have given him as much space as possible over the last four weeks and am taking care of myself. I know what we have has always been so special to both of us, or at least I thought until a month ago. Whether it ends for sure or not, I want to talk about it and maybe give it a trial, and if after that he still feels so attached to affair then so be it, but he can't just break our marriage promise and hit the road.
Sigh..very unhappy,
I know he is lost and confused, but he has this major wall up - how do I help him break it down, none of this seems real. I am very outgoing fun, athletic, energetic, 29...my previous research indicates maybe he has some sort of sexual addiction or mid-life crisis or commitment phobia. He is 33. He does not want to try at all, there is no physical contact whatso ever - not even a hug. He has said since he felt no sparks from us he just found them elsewhere without even telling me he felt that way, so very strange - any advice would be appreciated. I know this sounds like he is very cold, which in the past few weeks, he has been..but this is not my husband, he is usually funny and outgoing and we have agreat time together.
I am very patient right now, but am afraid my aptience might indicate to him that i am fine with things, he know how I feel and I don't want to sound like a broken record.
Please help
Sincerely
Canadiangirl

I feel for you - My H is has said and acted much the same way as yours - If you haven&#8217;t done so already - read everything you can on this sight, get HNHN (his needs, her needs), and the most important things - Be patient! I'm still in the middle of this hell and wish to god I knew the way out but the one thing I have learned is that it does get easier. We are at the 4-month mark since d-day and my H still doesn&#8217;t know if he wants to stay or go - which is actually an improvement to the beginning when all he wanted to do was move out and get a D. I convinced him to give me 6 months to a year with counseling to try and make things work - he agreed but I have to say it takes the patients of a saint (which I'm not) to put up with all the crap he will say and do to you - My counselor tells me to look at his actions and not his words, if I do this I can keep hoping but if I listen to everything he tells me I just feel like giving up [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My H like yours was always very loving and caring up until the A - and now he is a selfish coward to put it nicely. There are days when I actually see glimpse of the man that he use to be and it keeps me hanging on just a little bit longer. I have to say the fog does seem to be lifting and he does act better when I act like I trust him (which I don&#8217;t) and give him the illusion of not caring what he does. At these times he is actually more open about his life and actually starts conversations - <p>I know many others on the board will have great advice on how to help you but I know it has always helped me to find people who understand what I&#8217;m going through and can relate to the nightmare of my life- unfortunately many have been here for a long time and know the drill - I don&#8217;t wish this upon anyone it is the hardest thing I have ever gone through - Good luck and keep doing things for yourself, it helps.

So very sorry to hear what you're going through CG, but you came to the right place.<p>The ONLY thing you can do right now is to learn, learn, learn. Read Dr. Harley's SAA (Surviving An Affair), and as much as you can about affairs and how to cope. It'll involve trying to detach from your WH and the destructive behavior he is engaged in, and working on you; your life, your things, your sanity. Get to counseling as soon as you can.<p>Come here often, post, ask, vent....take care of yourself, and try, try, try hard to separate yourself as much as you can from him. Soon you will begin to see that he's not himself, and it'll become easier.<p>Here's a good reading list for you to start:
MB Reading List<p>And very important:
Notable Threads<p>And there's WAT's quick start guidelines for betrayed spouses too...very useful!

Hello Canadiangirl,<p>Try not to panic. Affairs take 6 months to two years (typically, according to Dr. Harley) to run their course. Rarely do the partners in the affair end up together. The odds are in your favor that your H's A will end eventually.<p>Tonight when you and your WH make "plans," hold your ground. Don't let him intimidate you or dictate what YOU will do. You cannot control him. He's going to do what he has decided to do, but don't let him tell you what to do.<p>If he says he is moving out, you can't stop him. But don't even consider your going. (I hope he won't suggest that, but who knows when WS are in the fog.) Gather your strength to avoid love busting so that you do not give WH any reason to blame you for HIS behavior or his choice to leave. (Do you know about LBs? You can read about LBs on the main site. Basically, you avoid disrespectful, angry behavior toward WH which is really hard.) <p>If he leaves, don't despair. It does not mean your M is over. Both you and your H will go through many changes of emotion before the A is over and your M can begin to heal.<p>Tonight try really hard to be calm. Fake it if you have to. Make sure H listens to you and doesn't talk down to you. IMO, he is coming on so strong hoping not to give you an opportunity to ask him questions. He won't be able to handle a discussion about his actions yet. He is behaving as someone who is addicted. He is not thinking rationally. If you challenge the source of his addiction, the A, he will strike out at you angrily and even try to blame you. Be prepared. <p>Remember that you did NOTHING to deserve his betrayal of you through adultery. He chose this route because he is weak. He is also very wrong.<p>Be strong tonight and good luck. Patience and no LBs. Let us know how it goes. BTW, welcome to MB. You will find support here.<p>Estes

I am not quite as positive on the whole aspect of holding on and waiting for something to happen, or for the person to come to their senses. I'm sorry but this is your life to, as it is your kids life. I see so many people that write into this site that live in limbo for the time, while they wait for their spouses to come back to them, and make up their mind. I don't see these people talking about how good things are, or how they keep themself occupied with other things. Most sound very distraught, lonely, and in limbo. Their children and other family and friends also feel this. This is acceptable if you have the strength to withstand the pain and to ensure your kid will not suffer your pain.
I believe that if your husband has been in this mode for up to ten months, he is in a pattern that he has no need to change. At present he still has a home to come to, and although the present is tougher since you found out, he is in no hurry to do anything. I really liked that you said you are taking care of yourself, don't stop that. Through everything that is going on you are also in a mode that you just want him back right now. Have you given some good thought as to what it is going to take for you to forgive him, and learn to trust him again. What will you need him to change about himself to make things work. I'm sorry but if he did what he did, he needs to change something to sty in the relationship with you. If he does come back you need to know what you will feel then. I think you need to start playing hard ball with this guy, and kick him out, freeze up your joint money and accounts, set yourself and the kids up as securely as possible, and go to the Plan B approach. In the plan B approach I think you need to set a date for yourself to make the decision of what you do next, don't let him know what the date is. The date is just for you to evalaute and decide what decision to make next. It dosen't sound like you are ignoring this guy or being ignorant in any way. He just dosen't realize what he has, and until he loses it he may not either. There is a risk that once you cut him free he will run, but I think he would have run anyway if he does. Don't spend a long time in limbo, unless you can ensure you can keep your mind fresh doing other things and that the time will not eat you up. I hope the best for you. Canadian-guy.

Thank you every one who has responded, sorry I didn't get back sooner, I wasn't sure if responses were being emailed to me.
Since my last post we have gone to counseling, once together and once by myself. To make a long story short, therapist has told me it is all about me being a strong person and true to myself, which is the path I have been trying to take. Within 20 mins of our first session she diagnosed him as clinically depressed. he had a very hard time opening up and said alot of hurtful things (ie. never loved me or was turned on by me) which is bull**** as we have been together 7 years and I was there I know he was turned on. He admitted that current A was not healthy and I think he has since ended it. He travels a ton on busness (20 days this past month) so of course I am always suspicious that he is with someone else. He has recently been away for 11 days, 3 of which he took extra at the end to take some time for hiimself. I hope he did this and did not see OW. I didn't ask and am trying to give him space. therapist said that I need to speak my true feeling and ask for what I want from the marriage.
It is just so tough as we have a good time. When he came home last night we caught up and laughed and had dinner, but it was just that- just good friends...absolutely no physical contact has taken place in the last 8weeks. Some input I have gotten from other posts suggests that in his depressed state any physical touch in painful...does anyone have anythoughts on male depression?
I am not initaiting anything as I have always in the past, only to be turned down - which is why I continue to be so shocked that he had the affairs.
We have had a few tiny steps...breaking off the affair and going to counselling. A couple weeks ago we went apartment hunting for him,but luckily ater he came home from a busness trip he said he would delay that until next month as things were moving too fast and that financially it is not possible.
I am trying to do my own thing, unfortunately I can not find a job. When I found out about all this I quit my job (which was out of town ) to deal with this first hand. We have just spent so much time apart in our marriage that I thouht it was time I settled in to commit to the marriage. It was while I was away that he had these affairs.
Gulp...I wish I had something important on the job front to report, but really haven't come up with anything. he job is super consuming, although I do believe he hides behind it alot....I get the feeling that he values people by there jobs and commitments to them, and I feel like a boob being this unemployed wife. I have been doing a lot of recreational activities, that last night upon telling him what I have been up to he just laughed and said I sure was being quite the tourist...please, I am just trying to cope and keep myself busy. I do have a job for two weeks in July that I have already commited to. If at the end of that he is not making some more changes...or anything for that matter, I am thinking of leaving. So i have set that date for myself.
I did have coffee with a few different guys, while he was away...just super casual, not planned just ran into them at the coffee shop. I am thinking about mentionning this to him to see if there is any reaction, but am not sure, as really the meetings were nothing, not even an official date. I have this one guys phone number that if I ever want to go out I could call him, but haven't as I don't think it is fair to the new guy, plus he doesn't know I am married.
I have been surprised to find out that H actually likes to talk about things but can't seem to bring things up himself.
Does anyone have any advice on how to get him to talk about our relationship without being pushy...more than just "how are you today"?
I know it is all about patience.....he is suppose to see therapist on his own, I have made an apt. for him, but had to cancel as could not get confirmation form him becuase he was away on trip. I am thinking of just giving him her card and letting him figure it out.
What is the deal with these crazy mid-life crisis depressed guys who get see that the best they got is right in front of them?????
He has told no one really and is very distant from his family..arggg
Need new outlet for myself.
thanks everyone for responding, I will check out your threads and see if I can add anyhting helpful.
Sincerely,
struggling Canadian Girl