Hi, I am new to this forum. I just need help coping with my husbands affair. We were married August 1998. We had a rough patch in 2000, did couseling and thought things were going well. May 18th I saw an IM to his "friend" in Washington. They play an online game called Everquest and when we were having problems in 2000 he stayed with her and her husband. Anyway, he started this IM by calling her the love of his life. I freaked out to my Mom and my best friend for a week. I didn't know what to do. Then on Memorial day I decided I couldn't live any longer waiting for the other shoe to drop so to speak. I confronted him and much to my suprise told him if that was what it took for him to be happy then I would let him go. I emphasized that I loved him unconditionally. This last week has been a mess. We live with his parents in their basement because of an auto accident we were in in 1999. They have no problem with me staying here. I do. It is torture but I am trying to stay upbeat. I don't know whether it is because I want this to be a bad dream or if I truely believe this is just a phase and someday he will realize he was meant to be with me.
I go through about a thousand emotions everyday. I took off my wedding rings. He took off his. I am planning on buying a home with my best friend. My hubby and I have discussed who gets what etc. We are staying put intil the end of summer. To get bills paid off etc. I have tried to stay out of the house whenever possible and when I leave he hugs me so tight it feels like he wont let go. We still exchange I love you's and a sincere desire to remain friends. I was on the computer the other night and she IM'd him. On my computer. Fre4aked me out. This game takes up soo much of his time. I thought it would be allright. I figured his addiction to the computer was just a hobby. I tried to support it and let him do what he wanted to do. Our sex life has always been great, right up to a few nights before I told him. Now I am living in this house, sleeping in the same bed with him and I feel like I am going insane. 2 weeks ago we were discussing having our first child. My hubby is going to be 25 in August. I will be 34. Am I crazy to think that trying to be his friend right now might make him realize he wants me? Is it normal to experience ten thousand emotions in one day? Can anyone help me? Or give me advice?
Thanks

I can kind of relate---my h was 27 and I was 38 when we met (online, ironically)...and he was into computers and online rpg, too. It's a nice hobby *IF* you can keep it a hobby. For so many, though, it takes the place of real life. This woman is NOT the love of his life---he doesn't even know her, really. He is infatuated (as only the truly young can be) and that wears off pretty quickly in real life.<p>Can you plan activities that will take him out of the house-away from the puter? Go to the movies, a walk in the park, out for burgers...start breaking up the time he has on the net. <p>Read Plan A on this site and everything else...that will give you a good idea of how to start trying to re-build. From what you say, I don't think he wants you to leave.

layli-<p>I know just how you feel. My H and I were in the same position about getting ready to have a child. My thread is long now, but there is a link at the bottom if you'd like to read my story and see where we are now.<p>Hugs,
Llama

Ok, another weird thing - it would be way too much of a coincidence if both of our H's "friends" were the same person? She is in WA also - how strange is that?<p>Take care of you!
Llama

Thanks to you guys for responding. I have another question. Last night he took off work early and we went to a movie. We were kidding around and grabbing each other etc. We got home and were wrestling around and ended up making VERY passionate love. Now I am completely confused. Should I keep up being his friend and maybe make him see that I am a good wife and I am willing to go through this with him. He is still planning on moving to Washington. HELP!

Thanks to you guys for responding. I have another question. Last night he took off work early and we went to a movie. We were kidding around and grabbing each other etc. We got home and were wrestling around and ended up making VERY passionate love. Now I am completely confused. Should I keep up being his friend and maybe make him see that I am a good wife and I am willing to go through this with him. He is still planning on moving to Washington. HELP!

God Layli we have so much in common, even the age difference in us and our spouses. I'm really new at this too but here it goes........REad everything here. Let him know that you love him and that you want to rebuild your marriage. Look at the articles here on Love Busters (LB) and Emotional Needs. Go out and buy the book "Surviving An Affair" and read read read. i got SO much out of it.<p>Try to just SLOW everything down a bit. I know for me, I fly off the handle and express my fears and anger with yelling and this is a major LB for my H. After reading and more reading, I realized I hated this in myself. I don't want to be a b$tch and sometimes I was acting like a big one. <p>The truth is neither of us was doing a good job at meeting the other's greatest emotional needs, so he chose elsewhere (internet) and met his "friend". I can't control that and I can't stop it. <p>Try to educate yourself as best as you can. Only you know how your H will react to the advice in books and given here better than any of us. <p>Do you both work? Have hobbies other than computer? Can you go out and not talk about relationship or OW? How old is this OW? Is she still married? Children? Do you know anymore without asking him about it?<p>I know what you're going through. My H and I separated immediately which makes meeting his needs difficult. At least you two are still under one roof for a while. Do you really want to buy a house with your friend? Is this your fear acting out? Think about all of this and read read read. <p>I swear I've read more books in the last two months than I have in my life! All kidding aside, hang in there. <p>LLama

We do have a lot in common. The other woman is 24 with 4 kids by 3 different fathers and I get the impression that he is acting out the whole white knight thing about coming to her rescue. I just had a long talk with his Mom, who is doing her best about not interfering. She thinks there is hope still so I am clinging on like a mad woman. I read quite a few of the articles and I realized that if I love him unconditionally I am going to be willing to do what I have to. I am not giving up without a fight. We actually talk more now than we ever have and without the fear of him leaving hanging over my head. If that makes any sense. I feel like I can ask the tough questions and do the brave things I need to do. My husband has actually agreed to help me buy a house. I think maybe buying something together might make him feel like he has more to come back to. Maybe he is just confused. Does it make you feel better to kind of know we are both experiencing the same thing right now? It helps me, I read all your postings and I say a prayer for you every day. Maybe we can be each others life boats? Thanks for your post and I will keep all informed.

Llama Hhugs to {{{{{Llayli}}}}} (notice the double L's?)<p>Wow, incredible. My H plays games with OW all the time, they met in a gin chat room. She's older 39 with 17 and 8 year old kids - totally something my H is NOT interested in. He wants his own kids, etc. <p>Thanks for reading my thread. I know it's getting long now. We can definitely be each other's life boats!<p>My H (I assume) feels like this woman's knight because she supposedly (you never know with Internet affairs) came from a physically abusive relationship/marriage. Her H (assuming) began calling my house pretending to be the cable company, etc. Weird, just plain weird.<p>I also have always had a close relationship with my mother in law who I love dearly. As you can see from my posts - she's kind of in the fog too. Blood is always thicker - isn't that the old saying?<p>Did you ever have any doubts with your marriage? With the age difference, etc.? I did occasionally, but my love was so strong, it didn't matter. We lived together for a year before marrying and were engaged for a year too. We'll be together for 5 years this November and just were married two in April. <p>Does he say he loves this woman? Does he express to you your faults in all of this? I've been trying my hardest to be the best listener I can be during this time. I don't ask about her or the affair and have found because I don't ask, he will typically reveal something to me. I take it all with grain of salt though - the stories change daily, ya know what I mean.<p>Hang in there girly. I won't be online again until tomorrow morning.<p>Hhugs,
Llama

You know I never had any doubts. Walking down the aisle I thought I would be nervous but I wasn't. I was totally sure this was the right thing. All he will say about her is that he felt the marriage was over before any thing started with her. He also said he never regreted getting married just that it didn't work out. We had a fairly short courtship and I was constantly pushing him away. He always said there was nothing I could do to make him stop loving me. Trust me we've had some horrible fights but not for the last 2 years. Those first 2 years I said some pretty horrible things. I know I can't change them, the last time we were having trouble I realized H couldn't make me happy. I decided to start looking at what would make me happy. Being married to him isn't a picnic. He has passive aggressive disorder and serious issues with his Mom. When we were planning our wedding it was discovered she was having an affair on his Dad with her first husband. How is that for disfunctional? I love being his wife though. I love the bad times because they always made me appreciate the good. I just want us to stay together. I am trying to just be his friend and hope for the best. My friends all think I am looney but a good friend told me that there are only 2 people in a marriage. We make up all the rules. So I am left to just try to be patient and hope he finds his way back. Thanks Llama. I wish only the best for you and your hubby. Keep writing.
Layli

Layli -<p>I think our H's could be brothers! My H has issues with anxiety, anger and now possibly depression. We didn't really fight alot, but when we did, it was always ugly - both of us throwing dirt at each other with ugly/mean words. I am ashamed for some of the things I have said. Although all families have dysfunction, mine included, his family is - to say the least - something you'd only read about in a book or see in a movie - Adultry, divorce, abuse, more divorce, depression, etc. I may be so naive, but despite my families issues, I had what I believe a pretty happy childhood and healthy adulthood. My parents have been married for 53 years, we get together for every major holiday - it's a strong family unit, you know what I mean?<p>H's is not that way at all. He doesn't have any role models in his family. It's unfortunate, but I knew all of this long before I tied the knot. I'm having days where I think I don't even want him back. I have alot to really think about. <p>I just keep on keepin' on - that's all you can really do when you are in this situation. He says he wants to go to therapy when he returns from trip. I think it may just be wishful thinking on his part - I don't think he's ready to face his demons. I know I can't control where this all goes. I can only control me and my behavior and reactions to things I am faced with. <p>Hope you'll keep in touch. Hang in there!<p>Llama Hhugs Tto Yyou!

I am at the point that I am afraid I am building up false hopes. We made love again last night and stayed up late talking. Not about us but about a lot of other things. I am trying to just be there for him and draw strength from the time we are together. I am starting to feel a little used but I don't want to give up hope. He even invited me to go do stuff with him this weekend. I ordered divorce busting from Amazon. The lady that wrote it believes one person can save the marriage. I hope it helps. Keep me in your prayers. You are in mine.
Lisa

I know how you feel. My H and I haven't been together like that since the Sunday after we separated. Now, I would want nothing but what you just had last night, but am afraid since he's seen OW twice since that day and I still don't know if the EA (emotional affair) has crossed over into a PA (physical affair). It's all too consuming sometimes, so I just try to think about other stuff and me. Last night at a political victory party, I ran into an old boyfriend (now friend) there. We talked for a few hours - he's a nice guy with a whole bunch of troubles of his own. There is "nothing" there between us anymore, so I'm not scared of the friendship, etc. in fact, I probably won't see him again until another political function which isn't until March. But, something that he said that was so nice and genuine was "llama, you are a good person, you're kind, generous, pretty, a great friend, etc." It made me feel better and worse all at the same time. It's interesting that my two male friends have responded the same way to this whole thing like "it's nuts, he's losing out, etc."<p>Layli, I'm no one to give advice as we are in the same boat - just look out for you. Try to see counselor for yourself, set your own boundaries, live your life and show him as much care as you can without becoming a doormat. There is a fine line between the two as well. <p>I hope and pray (I've never prayed so much before in my life until now) that when my H returns, he will see some light or some of the heavy thick fog will lift just a bit.<p>You are in my thoughts and prayers!<p>Hhugs! {{{{layli}}}}}

Llama, it sounds to me like we are both handling this the best way we know how. It amazes me how strong women are and how much it helps to know you aren't the only one going through this. All my friends are amazed at my strength and you know what I tell them? Love gives you strength...the strength to do things that without would crush your spirit. I know there is still a distinct possibility H and I are over. But every second I am here I can show him what he will be missing. I went to see our general practitioner and told him the entire story. I asked him if I was nuts for staying positive. He told me just what I needed to hear. Let him see what he is losing. Don't get all negative and down on yourself. He thinks H just needs to grow up. It seems to be the general opinion of everyone. I could be all negative but I hate being miserable. I also have an incredible group of friends and family that keep encouraging me. I decided when H gets home from work, I am going to try talking a bit about the tough stuff. Just to reinforce that I care and I am here, even though I do not condone what he is doing. I think that keeps me from being a doormat. We are both terriffic women who are married to hapless guys that don't know what they have. Be strong. I read that after these affairs are discovered they don't even make it to the 6 month mark. We were the ones they chose for better or worse. Whatever brought us together with our spouses can help keep us together. Go buy Divorce busting. I hope your H wakes up soon so you guys can start to heal. Just remember one thing I have learned. As long as it isn't antagonistic or hostile you can never explain things enough and remember... Love bears all things, believes all things hopes all things and ENDURES all things...
God bless Llama,
Be strong.
Layli

Hey Llama I had that talk with hubby. Like it did any good, he is online right now with her but you know, I think it is finally sinking in that he is the one that will lose. I worry about you and hope you are ok. Let me know.
Love,
layli

Hi Layli - <p>My H sent me an email that said he was thinking about me and hope that I am good. He sent a picure of a beautiful waterfall that he saw on Tuesday. I'm sorry your hubby is back online with OW. This is SO darn hard! He doesn't get home until late Monday night. The hardest part for me is not knowing where this is all heading - it could go either way, ya know. But, I'm hangin' in there. I don't have much computer access over the weekend - just an fyi.<p>Llama Hhugs to Layli!!!

Llama, just remember to have fun and enjoy yourself this weekend. I plan to also. I hope things go well when H gets back. Keep the faith, I am trying also. Actually packed up some of my things so it feels less like my home. I hope that was an ok thing to do. I am hoping maybe it will make H realize what is happening.
Much love,
Stay strong sister!
Layli

I forgot to mention the other day when I said I was going to talk about some of the tough stuff. I mentioned to him that I thought maybe he didn't feel like he was my first priority. I take care of my Mom who is elderly and we pay her house payment. She was in an accident in 95 and cant work. She is 71. I spent a lot of time focused on her because my parents are divorced. I told him I was sorry if that caused him grief and that I knew it was something he couldn't approach me on because I would get defensive. I reminded him that it still didn't justify his EA but that I would work on that and that I still believed in us and believed we could work through this. Since then he has come to bed with me at the same time and held me tightly all night long. Hasn't done that in awhile. Do you think the talk helped? Let me know.
Thanks Llama,
You are an awesome gal!
Layli

Layli -<p>That sounds good to me! Hope my H starts doing that soon! Hang in there sista!<p>Hhugs,
Mme

Layli,<p>Wow your story down to the facts about living with your parents in their basement and the OW on-line with games and even living in Washington is way too similar. <p>There was another poster here last year. Her and her H are now in recovery and it is their story that had all those same points. The difference is that while the age of your H is the same, the OW in their case was M without any children. <p>Now the WS in that case actually lef this W and went to live with the OW. She pranced him around town like an an object. He eventually felt used and abused, then left the OW and returned to his W. <p>They don't post here often but I will try to see if one of them can read your story and post to you. It might help. <p>The BS in this case was very resourceful, she read MB and used the info here to better herself and in time used her strengths to be ready to help her H when he was ready to come back. Her H used to post here also as [H]. <p>In the interim, please know that you are not alone. For now, work on your personal betterment and recovery. Show the positive side of your M. Let your H know you love him but keep that respect for yourself. It is important not to allow yourself to be used as a doormat. <p>Learn and understand the basic concepts here. <p>Ask questions on what you have read. <p>For most the A will not last forever. There will either be reconciliation or D. But not lifelong marriage with an A. Knowing that may help. <p>take care,