I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum, but this one gets a lot more traffic so I'll post here hoping for some insight. I brief history:<p>6/19/01 - WS starts an A
7/12/01 - Start MC
9/29/01 - D-Day #1, agrees to end it
10/26/01 - D-Day #2, agrees to end it
12/13/01 - End MC
2/1/02 - D-Day #3, agrees to end it
3/3/02 - I move out to stay with a friend
~3/16/02 - A ends with OM, not sure how
3/24/02 - I move back home (not WS's choice)
3/24/02 - WS finds an apartment
3/29/02 - WS moves out.<p>Now, here's a few questions, since February this year WS has refused to even try and work on the M, she says she needs space because she is confused. She still maintains this opinion. I currently pay for her apartment (she has our 2 S's), but have separated accounts due to her "shopping sprees !" WS saw this a a massive LB, now her lease car is up for renewal, and even me suggesting that I am wary of signing a new lease when she is not comitted to the M is a major LB. She says that I have to because she cannot afford one on her salary. Ironically the lease on the car expires at about the same time as the apartment.<p>Should I agree to leasing a new vehicle, or risk the LB that will follow, and likewise the apartment lease. She still maintains that she wants her space at the moment.<p>Since the A died back in March, she has a new circle of friends, and I am told she is obviously "interested" in dating other men, several have called her but I'm not sure the status.<p>It seems she may just be hanging on for time, our 10 year anniversary which is in October, are there and legal rights that come into effect after 10 years of marriage, I hear differing stories. And if she plans on filing after this anniversary, what are the obligations regarding the new vehicle?<p>I have been following several chronicles on this board, but I'm not sure where this one is going whether there is any hope left.<p>wpd

wpd,<p>Obviously your WW finds that you do fill an important emotional need for her - financial support.<p>If you're in Plan A, the general rule is to try and meet the WS's EN's (that they allow). In Plan B, the general rule is to meet NONE of them!<p>I suggest you break out your copy of "Surviving an Affair" (don't have it? check out the bookstore link). In it, we see how the story of Jon and Sue applies. Sue depended on Jon's financial support quite a bit. She eventually moved out and Jon went to Plan B. In doing so, he withdrew his support. That lasted for a while, then Sue got a support order to get some $ from him. EVEN THEN, there were other EN's that Jon met for Sue that her lover could not... and it eventually led to the unraveling of the A.<p>Only you can make the call about whether Plan B makes sense for you... looks like D-day was almost 1 year ago... if you're starting to lose hope, Plan B may be worth trying. There's a chance it will change the dynamic of the situation, especially if you've been maintaining contact with her, even during separation.

JR, thanks for the response, I have been following your story pretty closely, and identify pretty close to your situation.
Good luck with your plan
wpd

^^ Bumping for some additioanl responses

you need to consult immediately with Steve Harley to determine whether you should be trying to meet her need for financial support or you should be practicing some tough love.<p>If you are in NJ, permanent alimony is a court precendent at the 10 year mark (even though rarely granted). <p>10 years is also when you become eligible for social security on your spouse's record - IF - you don't remarry. So if she was married to you for 10 years, and never remarries, she'll be able to draw social security based on your earnings - I believe she will get half of whatever you get. This won't effect your payments - it just means that if you are eligible for 100 bucks a month, she'll be eligible to draw 50. Check with the social security administration to make sure, but this is my understanding of the law. I filed for divorce over a year ago, so I had to get up to date on all this stuff.

I would chip in that you have to set some limits and boundaries for yourself and your situation;<p>Examples to consider:
If you are going to Plan A, and thus continue to provide financial and other support, meet the ENs you can meet, then she should at least be committed to trying to work on the M. Or MC, or something that at least demostrates some hope for the M. a vague "I need space" is probably not enough.<p>If you feel you have Plan A'd enough, and that your plan A was good enough to withstand a Plan B without immediately terminating the M, then go to Plan B, and have only the minimum contact required by your children's activities/duties and provide her with the money the law says you have to. No more, no less. I certainly would not make further financial committments on her behalf.<p>I think you have to choose; because this semi Plan A with a mix of Plan B you seem to have going now is probably going to be a mess; she'll keep asking for what she wants/needs and you'll keep providing it for fear of LBing or fear of D, and at the same time, she's not making any committment to you or the M or the R. So where is that going to take you?<p>The things you do/don't do should have a reason for being; if they benefit the R and the possibility of recovery, OK. But if they don't or you're not sure, you shouldn't do them. All IMVHO, of course.

Thanks again for the replies, I have set up an appointment with SH on Monday.<p>wpd

OK, I've mad a real effort not to try and LB recently, spoke to SH on Monday on the recommendation of BR (thanks), I was pretty upbeat at that time, and he suggested that I continue with my plan A.<p>But it's so difficult when all that WS wants to talk about is what I can do for her, giving her money, getting her a new car, extending the lease on her appartment.<p>I'm thinking it may be time for some more boudaries here, rather than be at my WS's beck-and-call as a babysitter, I think I should try to arrange that I spend regular time with my S's, perhaps I get them all weekend, then she can go out and party all she likes, and I get to spend some quality time with my S's.<p>Or perhaps I go to full plan B? She did email me last week (first time in months) and said that she may be interested in talking with a MC, but I feel this is probably another one of her smokescreens so that it looks like she's doing the right thing.<p>Comments/suggestions anyone

Wpd,<p>Just make sure she is not taking you for the extra money based on the 10 year rule. I know Steve says to wait on plan A but does he know about the 10 year anniversary? <p>Check out your legal options. If she is fishing out for other OMs, you'd better shore up your finances. You are not under obligation for her bills. She wants a new car, let the OMs pay for it. They are getting the rest of her why should you be stuck with her bills.? This may make you lose points in your LB but you were losing them anyway. <p>Get a clear picture. Pray for a clear mind and calm heart. Counsel with Steve often. You are at a critical point right now and need the best support you can get. <p>I am more of a plan B advocate in these cases but I respect Steve's advise. Maybe there is something that I am not seeing. <p>JMHO,
L.