As you know, our divorce was final last Friday. It was hard for me...very emotionally draining.<p>I met a couple of men in my divorce class. They are both really nice. One is only 32 and the other is 44--both younger than me. They are just really nice guys. The 44 year old has been going through a divorce for 3 years. He had a beautiful wife and 6 really nice kids. The other guy has 2 kids. The 44 year old has been such a support to me--especially this last month or so. He is a devote Christian--his brother is married to a friend of mine. He has been coming over and helping me fix things around the house. He also helped me shampoo the carpet before graduation. He has given me a few cards and a study bible. He has met my kids--they love him. Anyway, things are moving way too quick. And it is scaring me. I don't think I am ready for this. Tonight he came to my son's baseball game, and my exH came too. It was really awkward for me. I feel bad--I don't want to hurt him--he has been through enough....but I really need to find myself right now. I don't want to lose him as a friend tho. I don't know how to deal with this. I think I have made a mess of things already. He is a wonderful man--but I don't know why I feel like this. We went out for the first time last Saturday for dinner--it was really nice. I am really scared.

Don't be scared!<p>ENJOY!<p>but, take it slowly, if you must... <p>ENJOY!<p>the companionship of another...<p>ENJOY!<p>learning about one another...<p>Take it one day at a time AND ENJOY!<p>Cali

Thanks Cali,<p>It has been nice. He has been such a good friend. But I am afraid he is thinking more...and I don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to lose him as a friend either. <p>I am out of practice with this. How do I slow it down?

ummmm..... let me think.....<p>RADICAL HONESTY!!! POLICY OF JOINT AGREEMENT...<p>I know you aren't married, but don't start a new relationship by 'hiding' misgivings.<p>Put it out on the table. Agree about the pace and direction your relationship will take. Now's your chance to START a relationship with a brand new 'tool' box.<p>Hugs,
Cali

MmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmPat,
Can't relate to the situation, yet!!!!<p>If he is a good friend can you ask him if you could speak about the relationship and to be honest and explain to him what you have shared with us!! Say that right now you need to work on yourself. I would not use the phrase that you need to find yourself, that usually translates to your looking for someone else.<p>Just my 2 cents worth. Sounds like a good friend to have!!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Cali and Daybreak,<p>I do need to talk to him. I just haven't figured out how yet. <p>He has been a wonderful friend...and I thought I was for him too. We have had some great talks. But now that the divorce is final, I feel like he wants another kind of relationship. It is just too awkward for me.<p>I felt really uncomfortable around my exH tonight. I found myself moving further away from my friend. <p>It has been funny how he is so accepted around the kids. I didn't mean for this to happen--but they really like him. He has just been popping in off and on...and all the kids just gradually got to know him. He likes the kids too. Could you see this...10 KIDS. Oh my gosh. I have met his kids once...and they are really nice too--adorable. <p>Who would ever believe I would be in this situation? <p>This is such a small town too. The other night we went out to dinner...and I ran into everybody. Then tonight were all of the baseball team parents. I felt like everyone's eyes were on us. Actually, they were.<p>Now what?

Dear Pat,<p>You are a beautiful and now free woman but newly free so I understand your caution. If this man is truly your friend, he will understand and be willing to wait. If he has a hidden agenda it will show and you will know. <p>It is good that your children like him. Your XH wanted his 'freedom' he got it, does he still like? Doesn't matter, he got what he asked for with no guarantees. <p>You move on with your life. Slow and steady is the wise course and the choice is yours. <p>take care,
L.

Well, I am sure that there was alot of talk at the concession stand tonight about........ "that newly divorced Kyle's mom and her friend, did you see her XH is here too, at least he didn't bring that bimbo slut with him. And Kyle's mom found somebody so nice, and so quickly too. Doesn't he have like 6 kids or something? Can you imagine 10 kids, how old is the oldest? what about the youngest? She can't be serious about him right? Maybe they are just friend, I know they went to the divorce class together and his sister and her are friends, probably nothing will come of it, just that rebound thing!"<p>Ok Pat, I wasn't there I am just imagining the conversation. Do you really care what they are saying? Through all of this you have become this awesomely strong woman, you noticed how they had you married and having all 10 kids with you and then they had it as a passing thing? Did you also notice that they all about called the GF a tramp? Yes you live in a small town with very few nice restaurants. Things like tonight and Saturday will happen often. Date with dignity and grace, don't give the gossipers anything they can use always conduct yourself with syle (I am sure that you do).<p>Maybe start a conversation in a public type of place that says you know I have't really thought much of our friendship being anything more then that a friendship til tonight when I noticed my XH and some of the other parents looking at us at my sons ballgame. I don't know that I am ready for more then our friendship right now, I would like to date and be able to date others too if I want this is all so new to me, I am just trying to find my footing and value our friendship so much that I just don't want to jeopardise that at this time, what do you think, can we maintain our friendship as that for right now?<p>I don't know Pat just my 2 cents worth for you!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Orchid,<p>I really could use a friend right now. I guess I will have to tell him.<p>I hope he hangs in there--his friendship means a lot to me. <p>I am off to bed. Thanks for all of your replies. Life is never dull, is it?

Dawn,
I think you got the conversations down pretty good--you know how it is here.<p>I think I am going to go to bed and think about what to say. I know I have to do something.<p>Take Care of yourself...Pat

What if you tell him that you enjoy his friendship and you appreciate all his kindness and generosity because you really could use a friend during this most difficult time. On the other hand, you don't feel ready for a "boyfriend" relationship or commitment and you don't want to lead him on or misuse his goodness. You also don't want to assume anything so you think it is time to discuss each others' feelings openly.<p>If you feel uncomfortable bringing all this conversation to the table, then just make yourself unavailable for a few nights. You can give yourself permission to have a TIME OUT! There is no rule that states you can't "have plans" even if it means you intend to lie around like a lump and just be by yourself! You are single again (with kids) so you can make your own rules!<p>If things are going too fast, YOU have the power to slow them down!!! TAKE CHARGE! Your future is in your hands!<p>I know, it's a scary thought, but you can handle it... and you will! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

What if you explained to him that you are not rejecting his friendship in any way, but that you need a few nights each week to be alone to think or spend quality time to just be with your kids?<p>That would be a creative way of pacing it out. What if you even told him that you can only afford one weekend per month to "allocate" or invest in dating right now... The rest of the time, you need to be with yourself and the kids??? Nothing wrong with that??? If he can't handle your pace, then he's not the right friend for you... If he loves you, he will want what is best for you. Sounds like you are uncomfortable, especially if you feel afraid and confused--to me, that's negative, not positive energy!<p>If it's right, it will feel right inside, too. Not that we should go by our feelings all the time, but when it comes to matters of the heart, you've got some red flags and I would honor them.

Dear BTDT,
That is good advice. I haven't talked to him yet today...but I will. I just don't want anyone to get hurt. We have both had enough of that. He did call me this morning and stopped by at lunch. He is so nice, it makes it hard. I just need some space to breathe for awhile, I think. <p>He is going on a vacation with his kids next week--so that will be good. He really is a nice guy. <p>I think I am still recouping from this divorce. I am exhausted today. I am finding it hard to do anything--moving in slow motion. I refilled my Zoloft prescription, and that might be what is making me feel so drugged...I feel like I could just sleep all day. Wish I could. Well, I had better run and get something done around here. Thank you for your advice. I just didn't expect to be in this position....ever. Amazing. Pat

Pat,<p>try posting this on D/D board, you will most likely get replies from people who have been there.<p>I am still not divorced so I can't say what I would do but my divorce is taking so long (my fault I am dragging my feet as I am sure this gets to the OW) but I don't think I would be ready for a long time. That is just me & my OS is almost 18 & would really resent it if I started seeing someone, plus the life I live now I wouldn't meet anyone anyway.<p>Just do what feels right for you & your kids.

Dear Sing,<p>I felt the same....I definitely wasn't looking for a relationship. I never thought it would happen. It just kind of happened. I always worried about how you would introduce someone to the kids, and how they would react. It is interesting because they can't stand my exH's bimbo, but they all like my new friend. <p>The kids really like him, which is really nice! I never even thought I would be dating someone--it is definitely weird. Nice tho.<p>I know I need to switch over to posting on the Divorce board. I never did make that change--guess it was hard for me to do that. <p>You all have been such good support for me, I appreciate your friendship. <p>I hope, Sing, that you get through this period too. It will be good to start focusing on a new phase of life...and I am finding there is life out there. Take Care.... Pat

Pat,<p>I know what you mean about changing, I just can't seem to do it. Guess I just never pictured myself divorced. I am from one of those very strict Bible based churches, so is STBX, & this mess I would never have dreamed, guess this is why I am in it.<p>While I am not ready for anything else, I know I wouldn't take the STBX back either, or not without him doing many things, not the least of which is crawling through a field of fire ants.<p>We are only not divorced because I know it drives the OW crazy. they have been inovoled for over yrs now & STBX has been living with her a yr this month but he has done nothing to speed it along. <p>Again just do what is right for you, everyone is different.

Pat-
Wow! What a situation to be in!!! I think that your new friend will understand if you talk to him. It is so nice that you have met someone.....even if you might not be ready yet. To be honest, it gives me a little hope! I don't want to be alone the rest of my life. Did I tell you that my youngest told me that I can't date until he gets out of high school???? Wow....I have to wait 4 yrs [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . My alomost 18 yr old said that I can date! How different they are!!!<p>Pat- talk to him.....be honest. As long as you are always honest and upfront it will be okay!!! Does he have any friends?<p>MAX

Dear Feeling So Alone,<p>I am amazed too. I never thought this would happen. I think you will find that it happens in the most unexpected way and when you least expect to meet someone.<p>I felt a little weird with the 32 year old...I could be his mother....but he was really nice. We had some great conversations. I feel more comfortable with the 44 year old...a little closer to my age.<p>The dating thing was weird..because we were just friends for about the last 2 months. He just came over to help with things at the house. He didn't ask me out until after the divorce was final. By this time, the kids have already met and known him and really like him. So, it was not like I would have expected. They seem to accept him really well. The whole thing is kind of mind boggling. If you would have asked me a few months ago if I would be ready to date--I would have said absolutely not. I couldn't have even imagined it.<p>I hope the same happens for you. You are a very special women...and deserve a loving relationship. <p>I am so glad both of our graduations went well. I was so worried about it. I think our kids will have good memories of it--even with all the turmoil. Take Care....The Best is Yet To Come [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I am happy for you that you met a nice guy. But the timing is very difficult. And of course in this situation you need to take things slowly.
As does he. He as well has ended a major relationship.<p>I think POJA is a good idea. Tell him you value his friendship, but you feel nervous that it might be moving towards becoming more, and you are not ready for that. And to be honest, neither is he. <p>You can say, "usually spending this kind of time with someone I would expect it to be building into a relationship. I'm not ready for that and neither are you.... I don't want either of us to get hurt due to misunderstandings."<p>Ask him if he'd be willing to just be friends for a period of time (3 months, 6 months) while you get to know each other. And maybe set some limits on what you will do together- dinners alone at a fancy restaurant NOT OK (too much like dating)- hotdogs at the game OK.<p>Try to get a sense of what went wrong in his M.