It's been 4 months since dday and I am terrified to trust my heart to my WH. My H had a no-sex PA with a HS friend in Dec & Jan. <p>Everything I have read talks about taking a chance and try to reconnect, to try and fall in love again. But, boy am I scared. <p>This morning we were cuddling before work but, I can't help remembering that we use to do that same thing while the A was going on and it did not stop him from emailing, calling or making lunch plans with her. <p>I am afraid to "get attached" to him. <p>He keeps telling me that he is a different person, without all of the other stuff that was going on with him. He says that person is gone. <p>My H works out of our house, he does not have alot of interaction with people except via phone or email. He discovered that he was feeling lonely and depressed from being in the house 8 hours, by himself. Plus, he felt like he had every disease known to man. That he had isolated himself from my S and I, he made himself the "3rd Wheel". He never told me he was feeling this way, he just kept it inside. <p>Then along comes a HS friend, via classmates.com. He asked her to lunch, which of course she accepted. He never told me he received an email from her let alone asked her to lunch. <p>He said he was flattered that she looked him up after all of these years (20) and he thought it would be nice to see her. Well, she saw this as an open invitation and took it too far. (He was her fantasy that she has carried since HS. Pretty creepy, huh?) He was vulnerable and didn't stop the advances. H says that he never "saw" that his "friendship" was wrong, that it would hurt me. He felt guilty sometimes but, not enough to stop the contact until I found out about the A. <p>He has also discovered that he has problems with flattery and attention from women. He does not know how to handle it, he is unable to back away from it. We have had many disusssions on flattery and attention - this is just something you say "thank you" too and move on. <p>For me, I am having trouble with trusting my heart to him again. I keep questioning whether he really learned from this and that he really knows how to handle himself with flattery and attention now. <p>Does anyone have any suggestions? Is this something that will pass with time? It is a total leap of fait, that I am not sure I have that kind of faith left.

It is good and wise to not trust your heart fully to a FWH.<p>It will take time to rebuild trust. <p>Just give him a little piece of your heart and wait and see how he handles it. If he handles it well then risk to give him a little more. Just give it time and look at the big picture. As long as he is making steps towards recovery then keep walking. Make sure his actions line up with his words. Things to watch for is mainly his anger. IF FWS gets angry with your questions or is not accountable for his time or being too secretive, or not allowing you to check his email - those are warning signs.

OK, bearcub, let me see if I can point out a few things about my brother in law (remember, our WHs are brothers [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] )<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> This morning we were cuddling before work but, I can't help remembering that we use to do that same thing while the A was going on <hr></blockquote><p>Darling, Darling, Darling - Don't feel bad during these times!! This is EXACTLY what kept his A from becoming physical!!!!!! I realized early on that I made my WHs decision to not have sex with the OW an easy one because we were still having good sex at home. Keep giving him that, and add to it, attention, affection and loads of your time. Don't put his needs behind your son's. Remember I'm married to his brother, and his brother (my H) is VERY HIGH MAINTENANCE!!! Right or wrong on their part, it is just part of the equation of being married to them. If we want to stay married, we must maintain them - which means, meet their emotional needs. Even if it means little Johnny has to stay at Grandma's half a day every Saturday while you and H go have some recreational companionship!!<p>Now, about your heart - ouch - this is a tough one. One that EVERY BS has to deal with. You are not unique, although that doesn't make your burden any less painful. Some days I trust, some days I don't. There are 2 major differences in our situations - 1. My WH works with the OW, still does, 2. My WH broke off the relationship on his own, prior to me finding out. (if your H did, I missed it in prior posts). Trust is a major issue with me since WH still sees OW every day. However, even if he didn't, what would be stopping him from beginning a new relationship with someone else? Well - I have 3 questions I ask him from time to time - usually when I'm needing some reassurance - They are:<p>1. Do you love me?
2. Are you going anywhere? (divorce)
3. Are you happy?<p>Just hearing him answer these questions and seeing the sincerity in his eyes goes a long way toward reassuring me. Now I just ask him, "So what are the answers to my 3 questions today?" And he knows what I'm talking about.<p>I agree with the above poster. As you give him portions of your heart, and he takes care of them, your trust will grow. Can you empathize with him? Have you ever gotten to close to someone else or seen the potential for a problem with someone else? I have. Even though I don't think it was anywhere near an EA, I can see how easily it could have developed. Open those lines of communication, pour love out on him, even though he's failed you. Encourage him, because his brother gets very discouraged that he was even capable of doing what he did to me, and I'd bet your H is the same way.<p>Keep that chin up. Tomorrow's another day.

Thanks Iluv - that's great advice. Start out small and see what happens. <p>Hi Jamup, it's good to hear from you. Thanks for helpling me look at the cuddling in a different way. H keeps telling me it was all about talking to someone, it was not her, anyone would have done so long as they were listening to him. I bet you know which EN he felt was not being met.<p>My S is 17, not home much because he has his own car and a bunch of guy friends. We have lots of time to ourselves now, which helps on the one on one stuff. <p>H broke it off after I found emails. He was on a business trip so, we did the first few days long distance. He broke it off with her the morning after I found out. He left her a message really but of course she contacted him 2 more times after that. (tisk, tisk) <p>My H feels like scum and sh** on the floor (I'm quoting) to have done this to me. He says he will never do it again because he knows the red flags and how to avoid those situations now. <p>I do like what Iluv suggested, a little at a time. And, your 3 questions. I will borrow them plus add one. "Are you here with me, totally?" <p>Thanks again to both of you. I always need a little encouragment.

Hi Bearcub. I've said this to others, and I'll offer it to you. Don't try so hard, just let it happen (trust). <p>Trust is a big thing, and shouldn't be taken lightly. Naturally you are going to be aprehensive about trusting him, and I'm pretty sure he realizes and understands this. <p>My husband and I had a talk a few months into rebuilding where he told me he trusts me. I smiled at him and said "no you don't." Then before he could reciprocate I added, "but that's ok. You want to trust me, but you can't right now. I understand that, and it's ok. All I ask is that you believe in my just a little. If you can do that, one day you will have reason to trust me and you will be proud to do so." He smiled in relief, understanding, and love and we hugged.<p>Believe in him, let him know that, and express your apprehension to trust. I bet he'll understand. You are doing well. Remember, it takes time, and the harder you TRY to make the feelings go away, the harder it will grab hold of you. Allow it happen. It will - I know this!<p>Take care, and my best to you. I hope this helps.

I love Jamups 3 questions. We do something similar to that too. Good post Jamup! I just had to knock out this myth #999.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> This is EXACTLY what kept his A from becoming physical!!!!!! I realized early on that I made my WHs decision to not have sex with the OW an easy one because we were still having good sex at home. <hr></blockquote><p>Totally false. Me and my H were having sex up to 6 times a week at the height of his A. It also took H 6 years to admit his EA was actually a PA. Not to say that is what is happening with either of you. I just wanted you to NOT have that false sense of security. I do believe truth ALWAYS gets revealed in due time.

Thanks tutter - You are right, I think I am "trying" to get past all of the hurt and not letting it subside naturally. I think I just want it to be gone so bad that I may be making it worse. <p>I'm glad I posted my problem today, it always helps to hear from others.

hee hee, I guess Iluvandprotect didn't notice that our WH's were brothers. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I'm not saying that I won't get bit in the butt with my comment about sex, however, my H has confirmed that our sex life kept him from needing any further satisfaction in that area. If the Harley's principles are correct, then he was not seeking ENs to be met by her that were being met by me. And since I was meeting SF, and he says I was, and he also says that SF did not occur between the 2 of them, has told me down to the detail about their few brief physical encounters, I tend to believe him. <p>Never hurts to hear a warning though.

jamup - I have never really asked about the SF EN, thinking maybe I should. <p>I know I have asked all sorts of detailed questions about the A and received descriptions of their physical encounters. Pretty much a Good-Bye Hug and Kiss after the 6 lunches they had. <p>The EN that I was not meeting was Communication, he was looking for someone to talk to. That's why there were phone calls and emails, plus lunch. <p>I like coming to the site and asking a question, it's good to hear that I am not totally losing my mind or that I am off the base on stuff too. <p>It was a tough night again, all those stupid triggers that happen. Annoys me to no end that they keep happening. I am just trying to work through this stuff. We ordered the Home Study His Needs Her Needs course, the group course we were going to take was cancelled. I am really hoping it will help. <p>Thanks again Everyone. Have a good day.