I am an old poster with a new moniker. H had an OW/separated/divorced against my will. I am in a new relationship with a wonderful man. His W had an OM/they separated and divorced. Both ex's will be married within the next 6 weeks and we will be married in October. We have a good relationship with his ex-wife - mutual activity and friends of all 3 of us and none of us wanted to leave it behind. <p>Now one of our mutual friends in this mutual activity is displaying WS symptoms. We had started to suspect something was going on but did not want to believe it and nothing was shouting out "yes I am srewing around on my H". We just spent the weekend with this mutual set of friends - large group outing. We had not been around them for about 6 weeks and we got an earful this weekend. <p>I still don't want to believe it - I still want to give her the benefit of doubt - but I am afraid that what I was hearing is true. She is having a crisis with her 40th B-day aproaching. She is one of my fiance's best friends and it really upset him to see her like this and to hear some of what was being said. She was our rock through our troubling times and actually was instrumental in getting us together after our marriages fell apart.<p>Do we somehow alert her H? Do we say anything with out saying anything directly? We talked about it last night and I asked him if he would have wanted someone to tell him. He said probably yes - at least then he would not have been blind sided like he was. He did not know if it would have made a difference with the outcome. I know I wish someone would have told me as well. I was totally blindsided - never saw it coming - my ex was so against that type of behavor. <p>So what do we do? Anything? Nothing? We will be with her and her OM this weekend again. He is a friend of ours as well. But so is her H. I know this sounds like a twisted, complicated situation. But any input would be appreciated.<p>Thank you

Would it be out of character for your H to talk to her H about emotional needs and the state of his marraige? Blowing this whistle is a tough call to make. You'd better be darn sure that she's involved, or you just lost your friends. You might lose them anyway. Could you start the ball rolling by mentioning that she wasn't acting herself lately?<p>Tread lightly, you are on dangerous ground.

misfitacres,<p>I guess my suggestion would be to talk to HER. She is a friend of both of you and she helped you. If you do talk with her explain where both you and your fiancee see the need to tell her H if she does not. She clearly has seen the pain caused by infidelity when she helped you two, and you two cannot in good conscience let her H get blindsided as you were.<p>I must comment that her problem may be the friends she is keeping. It seems everyone in your group is having affairs or recovering from them. Talk with her a length and see if you can get her to talk to her H and tell him the truth. That would be the best for all concerned. He hears this from her, and she tells him the truth.<p>You have my $0.02, good luck.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

misfit-<p>Yes, as JL said, talk with HER. My WW and I have a mutual female friend that observed some things my WW did and soon to be OM1 did that warned her that an A was possible if not already in progress. She did not say anything other than asking the general, "How is everything?" Our friend did nothing wrong by not saying anything to my W but, when the A between my W and OM1 came to my attention, my W partially blamed our friend for not telling her about these observations and feelings. My W said that she wished our friend had been more open about what she observed. My WW also told this friend that maybe if she had said something, that the A would have never happened. I'm betting this isn't true BUT the important thing here is that my W wished that someone told her about the changes in her behavior they observed and saw how OM1 acted around my W.<p>Be a friend and share your concern but don't criticize and drive her away.<p>HoFS

The last thing we want to do is to drive her away. I do not want to critize her or cause her to rebel more then she already is. I want to be there for her and be her friend. She is drinking and partying Wednesday thru Sunday nights now. <p>Her H is working constantly and they are building on a lot they have had for awhile. They have been taking separate weekend trips. Rumors are running rampant. What I heard and what I saw really was not adding up so that adds to my I can't believe it feeling. But I also but her above that type of behavior.<p>I am sorry I am babbling now. I just know pain I went through and I know the pain my fiance' went through and as you all know it was not fun. I guess I wonder how someone so close to the pain can commit to doing it themselves. This couple seemed above this - that it would not happen to them. And that is why we are so concerned and feel we should so something but do not know what.<p>In his way of justify himself for what he was doing my ex started a rumor that I was having an affair so it was ok for him to do the same. My friends heard those rumors but they knew the truth that I was not and they defended me - but they did not know that he was having one. <p>I know I learned quite well the importance of recreational companionship and doing things you both enjoy together. I don't go without my fiance now.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: misfitacres ]</p>

Hi. I am just bumping this post to see if anyone has anything to add since we are going to be seeing her this weekend. I am really torn right now because from experience the WS does not see that they are doing anything wrong and do not listen to what friends and family say. We want to be her friend not her enemy - we both were in her H position so we want to look out for him as well. <p>Is it best that we are just their for them but let it run its course? We are are truely torn with this.

Hi,<p>Big dilemma....<p>I think that you shoud first get her to talk about how she is doing and if there is something wrong that you could help her with. You should let her know that you really care for her and that you will be there to support her no matter what. <p>If she opens up a little more, then bring up the rumors. If she opens up more, then depending on what she says, just make her feel comfortable sharing anything she is doing and feeling with you. Don't place any judgements on her cause you know that will push her away. Just listen to what she has to say and let her know you support her and will be her friend no matter what. <p>I definitely don't think you should go to her H about it. That is not your place. If you can't decide what to do, then I think the best thing to do is to just not associate so much with her socially.<p>I know that sounds bad, but it may make her wonder and then come to you to ask if something is wrong, you know. If she does, you can tell her you feel uncomfortable with rumors going around.....ya-da, ya-da... <p>Just don't go to her H with it. She'll definitely resent that. Coming fully fledged out with the whole thing may push her away. This needs baby steps. <p>Just my thoughts.
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