I'm closing in on 1 year since D-day and as much as I'd like to ignore it, it's weighing on my mind. I've had a lot of thoughts about the "why's" of all of this and I can't find any answers.<p>My question is how much of the blame do YOU accept for your spouses A and how much do you put on your spouse?<p>Thanks

I blame my husband a lot. Now that I know what was going on I can definately see some signs I missed. Keep in mind I am only 2 weeks into this but I wish people knew how to ask for help or felt safe in their marriages to bring problems to light before affairs happened. Just keep the faith.
Layli

The one year anniversary of D-day #3? is approaching for me too.<p>I now know the whys, and sadly I can say that I had NO fault on my H's A. How? Easy...<p>My H had R problems since the first R he had was a EMR. He was violated, and pushed to keep his hurt in secrecy through manipulation. He grew out of it forcing himself to believe that being in love was feeling physically ill, hurt, crying every day and night, feeling shame, he was traumatized.<p>His whole life went down from right there, his career was ruined due to the overwhelming sadness. He wouldn't eat, sleep, he wanted to DIE.<p>When he pulled himself up enough to barely function his notions of love drove him to the worse people I have ever had the disgrace to hear about.<p>He continued to be abused. He learnt to live being abused, and wouldn't understand love in any other format.<p>He was not only a victim, he did it to himself sometimes even.<p>When I came around I knew he had problems, and so, being in a bad spot myself decided that it wasn't on my best interest, neither his to get involved in even a deep friendship, alas even when I ran, he insisted on persuing me. He created this facade of a "New and improved H", someone that had grown out of his traumatic experiences and was ready to start fresh.<p>I bit it, and I was thrown into a hail storm with an approaching tornado, which I didn't see due to the amazing facade he had generated and because I was WILLING to believe on him, and be by his side. <p>He admited to this, point blank, admited that I fulfilled each and every one of his EN's. I was a good listener, a good counselor, he was safe with me, he adored me, but still his old habits wouldn't die because he didn't even know they were bad.<p>Nearly a year has passed, and it has been the toughest road I have had to walk through, literally dragging my H to point A to B, having to be not only a hurt and terribly scared BS, but also a rock for him to hold onto on his own self discovery.<p>He knows this and plan A's intensively.<p>But... what can I say, it wasn't even the worse scenario, and I am grateful that he now, can live without any more obstacles and try to be the best he can be.

TD;<p>I feel for you; I, too, have been having thoughts of the 1st Anniv of DDay, and I sure don't want to still be where we are today when that happens. There's no real reason for it, it means nothing really, but I know that I will have toruble facing it, as you seem to be.
Be strong, have hope, and try not to focus on it as a milestone; look, rather at the progress you've made, if not in your R, at least personally, and find hope and strength there.<p>As for responsibility; any BS that says they are not to blame in part for their WS's affair is just as much in la-la land as the WS is when they are in the fog.<p>We BSs ALL played a part, some of us more than others, some less, but we ALL carry a share of the responsibility. We did not fulfill all of their ENs, we LB'd, we made ourselves emotionally unavailable, whatever. But we all play a part, and I think the quicker we admit it, especially to the WS, the quicker they will begin to see our true desire to rebuild.<p>That being said, the decision to have an A is entirely the responsibility of the WS; no question of that. As the party that at least felt that their needs were not being met, and needed to find a solution, they could have (should have) chosen another route to fulfilling them.<p>But just as we, the BSs, perhaps did not even realize what was happening, we should be as kind and understanding to the WSs as possible, as we are guilty of inaction or inattention to the extent that most of us did not evern realize something was wrong, and in many cases, ignored the pleas our WSs made to us for attention or other needs.

Hmm. Good question. I have tried to figure out how I may have contributed. He said it wasn't me and he just felt bad about himself. <p>I know however he definetly has a high need for admiration. It's alot easier to admire him now that he's nice instead of nasty to me. I'm sure he could say the same thing because I wasn't the kindest to him while he was gallavanting around.<p>[ June 04, 2002: Message edited by: roseyhue37 ]</p>

Hi TD,<p>Well for me the % of blame is gone. H even said so, several times. He now admits to 100% blame for the A. <p>In reality I probably carried about 15% to his 85%. Not that I am great, just a hard working mom. If I neglected him it was because I was out working and taking care of family responsibilities while he played more than he worked. <p>TD, d/d for me was hard. I feared it from the beginning. But it was not an impossible day to deal with. I held my breathe for a while and realized that the world went on anyway. <p>I have move forward since that day even with the thought that I might have to move on without my H (that's the pessimistic side of me always trying to be prepared). The point is that now more than ever, I can look back and say I have learned a lot and grown stronger. If this should happen again, the mourning period will be much shorter and so will my tolerance of any A. <p>take care,

I am actually having a hard time dealing with this now too. I feel a high percentage of the reason why this all happened is because of me. I keep coming across little triggers that pop up memories from my childhood that I can directly coorlate to the demise of our marriage.<p>Case in point, last week I was watching TV and a girl was getting married. Her mother was standing there telling her how pretty she was, etc., etc., and it hit me like a ton of bricks that never once on my wedding day did either of my parents tell me I was pretty. As I thought about this harder, I realized I have never heard my parents tell me I was pretty, so therefore when my H would tell me how beautiful or sexy I was I would pull away, not knowing how to accept those compliments.<p>My H made the comment Sunday that I lived a sheltered life growing up, that's why I was having such a hard time with all of this. Well, I was just thinking on that comment when a ton of supressed memories came flooding in. I never told my H about any of my "skeletons" because I had them so suppressed. He doesn't have a clue what a life I lived growing up, and again I can corolate every one of these memories with how I acted towards him.<p>I'm trying hard to deal with all this, I feel so responsible, and only wish my H would really spend some time with me so that he can fully understand me, and see how I am overcoming these things to make a better me.

Once you get yourself past this one year anniversary hurdle, I suggest you stop looking at blame. It is time to put that dog to bed. I know it's difficult to see this from where you are right now, but this assigning of blame percentages does not promote recovery. if the blame game goes on and on, it functions as a block to true intimacy and forgiveness.<p>Does it REALLY matter, after one year, if your percentage was 10%, or 39%, or 0.0009% ? Is knowing this going to make it easier or more difficult to forgive and move forward?<p>I used to do this agonizing over blame. I finally got tired of my own circular logic that just brought me right back to where I started ... and I steped out from that pattern. I think it is natural to do this blame business, especially early on, but, it's about time for you to let go. It is a loving act for you to let this go. It shows you love yourself too much to get stuck.<p>Whenever you're ready ---> let go. It is scary at first, then, letting go becomes liberating.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>PS .... substitute the word accountability or responsibility in place of "blame" ... and the conversation has a whole new flavor! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Must say, I love Pepper's response! Somehow, blame really doesn't matter in the overall scheme of things. I used to look at myself in the mirror and hate what I saw...as most of my MB friends know, I did feel fairly worthless for a long time. Suddenly, and I'm not sure when this happened, I don't feel so responsible anymore. <p>So...yes, the A happened. I made many mistakes in my marriage but I'm human. I want to fix myself. I would love the opportunity to fix my marriage. For both these things, I feel good again.<p>My thoughts for you Tiny...don't wonder anymore. Don't worry about "blame". It takes too much valuable energy. Instead, be happy for how far you've come. <p>Hugs

Thanks for the replies. I guess the reason I'm asking is because I don't understand why he did it and so I fear it could happen again. <p>At the time of his A, I was totally unaware that anything was going on. With the help of this site, the books, all of the wonderful people here and Plan A, I am now a different person - a better me.<p>layli I tried looking back and I still see nothing that would have led me to believe he was involved with someone else. Two weeks into this is two weeks closer to recovery - remember that.<p>Alostwife I understand your story because in some ways my H was emotionally abused all through his childhood. I'm glad to see you survived and that you are recovering.<p>Spacecase I know you're correct and I need to accept some of the responsibility but I truly don't know what I could have done differently. I wish you luck on getting through your not so distant D-day anniversary - remember it's just another day in the life.<p>roseyhue37 my H too has a high need for admiration because it was so lacking in his childhood/teenage years. And yes it is much easier to admire someone who is kind to you.<p>Orchid like you I was busy working hard and being a mother. I can really relate to what you say. I think that's why your posts (even to others) have been an inspiration to me. You were the first person here to respond to me and make me see there was hope, I thank you and please know that some lady in the hills of WV (me [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] ) planted orchids to remind me of strength.<p>thebetrayedone maybe it's time to tell your H about all your "skeletons". Sharing something like that takes away it's power and allows you to move forward. Breaking free from a troublesome past can make for a beautiful future.<p>Pepperband thanks for your insightful answer. I'm really only worried about understanding what I could have done differently. Your words have given me a lot to think about. Thank you!<p>Terrified thank you for responding. I read your threads and I can see that your strength has begun to override your fear - what a fantastic feeling that must be [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Keep it up!

Tiny,<p>My XW told me in the months before D-day that it was she who changed, not me. She told me that I was a great father, and a great person. She said, and I quote "I know I'm a b!t@h". then came D-day and I found this site and read, read, read. I then started to beat myself up pretty good and put a lot of blame on myself. Now, almost two (2) years after D-day, I have gone much easier on myself. I now realize that her affair with an old HS flame she hadn't seen in about 20 years is very deep. This type of rekindled relationships from childhood are deep, deep, deep.<p>So, I blame myself 1% and her 99%.<p>Another one of her quotes, "my marriage wasn't unhappy".<p>Go figure.<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: catamount82 ]</p>

AS the betrayed spouse I have learned asking why will only lead to rationalizations by the other. And, the questions usually are incriminations.
The state of the marriage and the % of responsibility of the betrayed partner I believe needs be mitigated by the deceit of the partner that strayed. One can say that the straying partner kept the spouse in the dark to enable the affair. It is impossible to address that which is kept hidden from you. Playing the hindsight 20/20 game, saying the clues were there.... is more rationalization. The concept of not having control can be dehabilitating, welcome to a new "reality". All we can do is attempt to persuade.