here is my original story:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=018046<p>This weekend my wife moved out. She has spent the last 3 nights with someone she had never met and only talked to twice on the phone. (someone she was "set up" with at work). She say's she still loves me and that we will always be together, but right now she just needs to be alone and wants to date other people. She is not looking for someone to replace me, just wants to date. She came home for a time on sat. and said she wanted to work on R, but she couldn't get these thoughts out of her head. I think she has lost touch with reality.<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: StillCan'tBelieveIt ]</p>

I don't think she just lost touch with reality, I think she has detached herself from reality altogether.<p>It looks as if her plan is: "Ok dear, I'll date and go around doing my thing, but don't you dare to move or I'll use it as amunition!"<p>Very selfish cake eating she is doing, fog like pea soup too. Maybe if you recorded her and then played it back a bit later she'd figure out how ridiculous this sounds.<p>In any case, you have to protect yourself, if she insists on letting you wide open to hurt then it is up to you to make sure she doesn't cause you any further harm.

I know I really should move on, It's I just have a hard time letting go. I don't want to see her destroy herself. I think she has some kind of addiction to attention or acceptance from people. I think she needs help.

Maybe she does, but she is a grown up, she needs to realize by her own that she has a problem, otherwise all advise, words of concern will go through from one ear to the other.<p>You can still plan B, work on yourself, let her trip, the only thing you have left if to be there to brake her fall when she realizes how blind she is.<p>Sometimes love takes a great deal of strength and courage that goes into having to see the ones you love learn lessons on their own.

I am going to keep reaching out to her for a while. See what happens.

Just went home for lunch and my wife was there resting (she called in from work). We talked some for the 1st time in several days. She told me she will not go to our MC appointment. She said she just needed space right now, but she is seeing and talking to now OM#2. She did say she didn't want to lose the last seven years.

[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Definetly looks like a cake eater. She will try to have the best of both worlds (being single AND married) if she can.<p>It is always nice to have freedom, but in dating you don't have a loving husband and friend to go to at night, when the excitement of dating has worn off.<p>She says she doesnt want to loose the last 7 years. If I am sincere she sounds very manipulative, she wants you to hang around and don't go off doing what she is doing now.<p>Maybe it is time for you to set some boundaries. If not this behaviour will continue.
If she doesn't want to go to MC, start NC, and get working on the marriage, then I'd have to say that you should go into plan A with boundaries.<p>Maybe plan B is not a good idea as for now, since working in the M is difficult being appart. Maybe just telling her: "You know what... whatever, do what you want and date who you please, but don't come crying to me if I decide to do the same and go, find someone that truly deserves me"<p>I know I know, that is an LB of sorts, don't listen to that last part. >_<<p>I am sorry your WW is dragging you into this mess.

I think a lot of this is to do with the clingy behavior I had while I learned about OM#1. by the way, he called her while I was there, she didn't pick up but doesn't know I know the number. so she is trying to contanct om#1 again. She say's she is trying to find answers. She has never said I can't date. The person I have known the last seven years seems lost.

I am wondering, should I tell my wife that "if she wants to date, then I will do that as well (I actually doubt I will).

I am sorry for your pain but I am afraid that you are in denial big time. Your wife apparently now has two OM and she has been having sex with one man for the last three nights and tells you she wants to continue to date but does not want to end everything. My friend you are no longer in a marriage. She is more than likely having unprotected sex with her lover and you are now wondering if you should tell her you may wish to date?
Your wife is a cakewoman who loves having sex with other men and knowing that her loving husband seemingly is willing to accept her behavior and be there as a safety net for her.
The fact that she continues to do this indicates she clearly disrespect you and your so-called marriage and does not seem to bother her that she is humiliating you. The more you act like a doormat the more she will continue to disrespect you. The old saying applies here: "No consequences to her behavior = no motivation to change". I would suggest that you seek counseling to understand why you seem so willing to accept this behavior that undermines your self-esteem. I am afraid you need to get out of the fog and seek professional counseling who will help you understand what you are doing to yourself. I wish you luck.

Hmmm maybe just ask: "Well since you are dating, I am assuming it is right for me to date as well. Please correct me if I am mistaken"<p>It is a legitimate and flat question.

Well I told her that I will date other people. She seemed upbeat about it. Then my MC told me that was not a good thing to do. MC said I should take the high road and do what I think is right. two wrongs don't make a right.

Of course she is going to be upbeat when she heard you were going to date. Now she does not have to feel guilty about screwing around. What is sad is that you are afraid that if you put your foot down that you will loose your marriage. The sad part is you have already lost your marriage. My advice to you is to accept that this marriage is over and move on.

I suggest you read Love must be Tough by James Dobson and set some boundaries on what you will accept from her. She cannot have yhou and om. YOu must be strong, this is the true way to show her you mean business and get respect. I know it is very hard. I tried the reaching out thing in the beginning etc. But you have to watch out, and aids, and other vd are very dangerous... hyou do not know what she is doing. Be careful.<p>Please get the book and set some boundaries.. even if it is just seperate sleeping arrangements.. and not a true seperation yet. If she wants to date.. she cannot have a husband. You know this, but I know your fear of losing her.. makes you willing to accept it... now please.. do not help her... disresepct you and trample all over you.<p>Please get the book. I understand your pain. I have been there.. my H is now having sex with the housekeeper after ow1..what confusion? I have cut him off sexually until Our relationship is rebuilt and counseling is a big part of our lives.. I hope he will see that not losing his family is worth the recopvery I am asking him to go through eventually and hopefully before I give up... I am in the eighth month of seperation.<p>I am sick of it.. but believe me.. the seperate but kind.. stance is better.. I am not mean to my h.. but intimacy or sf... will not happen while he sleeps with other women.. I am attempting to be his best friend , no sf. I do not want diseases.. housekeeperes may carry or other promiscuous types.. he is having some type of clear breakdown... and I dont know why... <p>I know he was under a lot of presseure.. and really needs admiration, etc.. and I demand/ expect a lot more from him than these ows... etc.<p>Please be patient and read everything you can on this site.. and do not threaten your wife with your dating.. stand strong and moral... do not give her that out... you are flushing your marriage down the toilet.<p>Good luck and take care, HONEY

Well I sent my wife an email saying that I will not date because we are still married and it is wrong. And that there is enough pain for us to get through without me adding to the pile. I told her that there is still a chance for us, but what she is doing is destroying me, herself, and everything we worked for. I told her that I don't want to make any permenant decisions for a while, because this has happened so fast I need time, but I won't wait forever.