I have been lurking for a while. Need some advice about Husband's activiities. He has been having an A. for over a year. We've had two d-day's, the last one not too long ago. I just can't trust him when he says it's over. I have found a feww suspicious things and want to confront him but don't know what to say to him. He is very secretive, has a problem with honesty, when he was supposedly not seeing her before he just lies so convincingly, that I can't ever believe him. And he tries to make everyone feel sorry for him. He doesn't give me any reassurances at all. He is not affectionate at all, and is always making excuses on the weekend to take off. She does not live near us so his contact right now would have to be by phone or e-mail. Does anyone know how to find out a PO box number? He used to have one and we cancelled it, but I have a feeling he has another one. I am so anxious all the time I feel like I am going crazy but All the other times I felt like this I was right. It's just that now I have found things out he is being more careful to hide things. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like we are strangers, he's someone I don't even recognize. Any help would be appreciated. I'll be back on the boards later tonight. Thanks! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi TTS---Welcome!<p>First, let me say I am sorry you are going through all this stuff. I know you are hurting so much inside. You have come to the right place for the support you will need to get through this. Noone should go through this horrible thing alone. <p>Also, let me tell you to make sure you have read all the MB concepts & to read and hear all you can from books suggested, opinions given, as well as stories. <p>Now....Love, you may never trust him again. If you do, it may take a long time for that to happen. Until he ends all contact and chooses to work on the M full-time, you won't see a change in him nor your feelings about him and the A.<p>If you have a feeling that the A is still going on, you are probably right. Trust yourself. You are not going crazy. He would probably say you are, but wouldn't he like that to be true. Then he can continue to be a cake eater, hunh? [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't know how you could find out about his PO Box unless he left the proof somewhere by mistake. You could always ask him to see his reaction. I'm sure you can tell when he is lying.<p>Your H is not the same man you M'd. Your M and the both of you are forever changed now because of this A. I'm sorry to say, if you leave it up to him to change anything, you are gonna be waiting for a loooong time. Don't wait for him. <p>I don't know.....I just couldn't sit by and watch my M fall apart while my H continued with the A. "Actions speak louder than words." I'd have to let him know this. You deserve better treatment than what you are getting. He can't do it for you now while he is out playing on the fence in all that fog, sweetie. Now can he? <p>So, to me, he has 2 choices. You can't even start to "fix" or face things until you have his full and undivided attention. That is why you feel so lossed right now.<p>You know what you need to do, deep down, TTS.<p>Do you want this M to work?
If so, you've made your choice. He has to make his choice. Then you both do your parts. YOU CAN ONLY DO YOUR PART****YOU CANNOT DO HIS FOR HIM.(Nor can you change or control him). You do have to find out what he wants though. So, ask him. (Be prepared to hear anything) <p>It is still all so new to you and it will hurt for a long time. Just be prepared for anything, like I said already. Alot of "stuff" will come out of his mouth, but his actions are what give you the answers. <p>You'll be hearing from other MBers. Just giving you my take on things. DON'T SIT AROUND WAITING ON HIM. MAKE A PLAN! <p>& take care of you!!!
{{{{TTS}}}}
Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: INTHECLOUDS320 ]<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: INTHECLOUDS320 ]</p>

Dear Trying,<p>Have you read any books about surviving an affair? Which ones? <p>Before you confront him with your suspicions ... ask yourself what the likely outcome of this confrontation will be ??? What do you think will happen? What (if anything) will you have gained by confronting?<p>Do you have kids? Is this your first M? His first M?<p>Need more info ......<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks, intheclouds and Pepper, I know I want my marriage, but the problem is, he doesn't really. you are right, actions speak louder than words and his are saying he doesn't really care. He knows that honesty is one of the most important things to me and he just doesn't get it. He wants to make me make the decision for him I think. My MC said the same thing, that he will make me so miserable and act like it's all me overreacting, so I will finally end it all. His big thing is he doesn't want to hurt any one, me or OW. Well, he can't have it both ways, but he is a fencesitter. He's afraid to make a decision either way. He is really going thru a major MLC, he is going to his own C. also to work on things, but I have no idea what is really going on there. I just can't live with this constant anxiety, I can't sleep and can't concentrate on anything. Pepper, I have read SAA, Torn Asunder, All kinds of relationship books. We have been married over 20 yrs and do have older children.
This is not his first affair, he has had a couple many years before. I also had an affair when we were first married, but things were resolved from those issues a long time ago. This has just totally knocked me on my A&*! if ya know what I mean. I just want him to make a decision either way, and not keep me hanging, lying to me constantly and just giving me a little hope here and there. It's not fair to do that and I feel like if he wants to go, then go. I know he's really messed up but My love bank is totally empty and I don't have much feeling left for him. Thanks for your support and replies, I'm feeling pretty desperate right now.

<<<BUMP>>>

WHOA there TTS! Slow down. You are not exactly in the best state to be making an irrevocable decision ... not yet.<p>Look at what you've written.<p>"He wants to make me make the decision for him I think"<p>"He's afraid to make a decision either way"<p>"I just want him to make a decision either way"<p>You want him to make a decision ... a decision that you are struggling to make yourself!!!!! Do you see this???<p>Ending a 20+ year marriage is no small thing.<p>STOP! .... let some of the emotional shock wear off before you make a big-[censored]-decision!<p>What was the state of your M for the 1-2 years prior to the A? Give your marriage a 1-10 score ... 10 being superb.<p>Post more about yourselves.<p>{{{ hugs }}}<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Pepper, Our marriage has never been the best it could be. We had a lot of problems starting out. My H. is a very negative person, has been on anti dep. for 20yrs. He has never been happy with his life and has never shown me much affection. I think while raising our children it was easy to put things on the back burner and we also had a lot of stresses the last few years. I didn't realise how unhappy he was with out marriage, thought it was everything else going on, but he is very resentful of alot of the past. I have been a controlling person in some ways, but I have been changing, but whenever he wants an excuse for not trying it's just "you're controlling". he doesn't really want to try. He'll be coming home soon so will write more tomorrow. I don't know what to say to him. It hurts too much to be around him. There's alot more to tell, but would take too much time. I'm not saying that everything in our marriage was his fault but the way he is handling things now is. Thanks for the reply.