I'm feeling down today and just needed to gather opinions on what I am dealing with. Long story short, my WH had an EA (possible PA) with a co-worker in his department. I requested no contact over a year ago and he swears that he (and she) have complied completely. <p>The problem is that they may still have contact and I would never know. He has lied to me in the past and as much as I want to and try to trust him it is so incredibly difficult.<p>When he tells me things about work, her name sometimes comes up because she may be involved in whatever he is telling me about. I've often said to him that the day she quits will be the happiest day of my life. He gets very defensive and says that she will never quit because she makes more money there than she could ever make anywhere else in our area. Unfortunately, it's the same reason my husband cannot quit.<p>I get so depressed over this. This "friendship" caused so much havoc in our marriage. The OW is single and younger than us (I'm 35, husband is 37 and she is 25), and she actually got a kick out of disrupting our marriage. However, my husband still contends that she was only being a friend. They would talk about how horrible her boyfriend was to her and my husband shared all of our marital issues with her.<p>How can I cope with them working together when it seems like neither one will be quiting this job anytime soon? Please, please, please offer some advice.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> she will never quit because she makes more money there than she could ever make anywhere else in our area. Unfortunately, it's the same reason my husband cannot quit.
<hr></blockquote><p>Cannot quit??????
OR
chooses not to quit????<p>so he is saying that $$$$ is more important than you???? Do you want this kind of relationship where $$$ is held at a higher regard then your wellbeing???<p>How could you change your standard of living to help your H? Can you sell your home and get a less expensive one? Can you sell your car and get a less expensive one? this list goes on and on...<p>You both have choices. Do not be made a victim. He can choose to leave the job and you can help him or you can choose to leave the marriage.

DITTO

1. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> However, my husband still contends that she was only being a friend. They would talk about how horrible her boyfriend was to her and my husband shared all of our marital issues with her. <hr></blockquote><p>2. <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> He gets very defensive and says <hr></blockquote><p>HUGE WARNING SIGNS
1. an unwillingness to accept responsibility for his actions.<p>2. His anger when you mention her name. HUGE defense mechanism. <p>A WS in recovery
1. Admits what they have done wrong and does WHATEVER it takes to help you feel safe and recover.<p>2. Feels and displays remorse/shame when her name is mentioned.<p>I'm sorry for your pain. I am stating facts. I truly know the pain and confusion you are in. I know it hurts. Keep seeking answers. You will feel peace when you are doing the right thing. No doubt you are in depression/turmoil because NOT addressing these issues with your H AND your feeling of powerlessness will not give you peace in your heart. I love the serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
The courage to change the things I can
AND
The wisdom to know the difference.

Gosh, I don't have an answer for you. I guess do you trust him? Is he more reserved than before, has he stopped anything he used to do? Does he go overboard with details of something as if trying to cover up? Does he have a cell phone or laptop that you do not have access to? Does he have credit cards in his own name, where it doesn't matter if you see the statements cause nothing is wrong? or is everything hidden?<p>I started out exactly this way a year ago, except I worked at same place. Pay not that good. H or I dont work there anymore OW still does. He had affair all this time & now I think its still ongoing. He has denied it from the start but I saw his truck parked at her place on numerous occasions. She got divorced later on in this & then my H filed agains me. Later came back, but nothing changed. He blames me for everything & when I used to mention her name was extremely defensive about her & to heck with me.<p>There is NO paper trail at home. He has bought a series of gifts that I had seen on his credit card statement or he left receipt in his shirt pocket when I still did his laundry. When I saw email, he got a laptop. When I saw a phone call charge, he got a calling card and then a cell phone. He locks his tote bag in the truck in our own garage at night!! I dont have the key. For me, after trying for a year & NOT an iota of change from him, I am done. He too would say "she's just a working colleague, just one of the guys" <p>Ha! When traveling out of town for work they secretly planned it so that they were in the same place at the same time (I found out thru work papers = same hotel!!) Otherwise knew where each other was at all times, when H refused to tell me, his own wife, while still lliving at home!! And "just one of the guys" doesnt take victorias secret lingerie, stuff from smut shop and a box of condoms on a field trip!! I found out from OW's now ex-H that she used to talk about my H in their home often!! and say "he's just a friend" when my H was there one night when she still lived at home & her H was out of town!! He's convinced that when my H told me he was out of town "somewhere" that my H was there with her!! <p>So, do you trust him? Is he willing to be honest with you about such things as phone & email or account for where he spends his time when not with you. If you were to "surprise" him for lunch someday (go a little earlier or later than expected time!) would he be pissed? or glad to spend time with you? Read about the his needs/her needs and especially the POJA - the policy of joint agreement. I hope all is well & its just a money issue. But he could avoid her, just say hi if they bump in the hall & NOT go to her office or call her on phone otherwise! Can you have discussions where he is understanding & listens; where it doesnt turn into a huge conflict. Would he be willing to go to counseling with you together? or even each of you individually? For him to allow himself to have been with her, theres something wrong/missing in his mind. But dont let him blame you. HE chose to cross the line (hopefully all in the past) and not discuss his needs with you. Id better shut up now. I wish you all the best.