I have been separated but doing a plan A for about four months with a few lapses.<p>My WH told me that he planned to take the last week off from work to sort out his head. Jennifer Harley had me give him an I desire letter stating my love for him and what I wanted out of our marriage and what trying meant. She suggested I do this before I might have to go to plan B.<p>About a week ago, just before he was to "sort out his head" or some other alien babblespeak we had a bit of fight/nothing bad but he was trying to get me to pity his situation at work (his A is with one of his employees) and I just could not keep it in check and told him I thought he was being selfish. Essentially he was claiming that he felt betrayed by his employees for telling an outside consultant about his A. He has not been fired and I believe denied the existence of the A to the outside management consultant. So, I could hardly see why he should be having a pity party for himself over this. He left.<p>He did not call me all of that week or come by the house(he usually called at least once a day and we saw eachother 2-3 times a week while separated). <p>On Saturday, he called late at night and asked if I was ok. I told him I was doing fine and was pleasant but brief and ended the conversation. He called again Sunday evening to ask how my 10K race had been that morning. I saw that it was him and did not answer the call. I did not call back for several hours and when I did told him how the race was and that I was fine, etc. and ended the conversation.<p>He came to the house while I was at work on Monday to mow the lawn and just left a note saying he had been there. No phone call.<p>Yesterday, he called in the evening and I did not take the call. He called back a half an hour later as I was getting in bed and I had a brief conversation and told him I was doing fine, etc. answered his questions about what I was working on at home and at work.<p>I am really not sure what part of what plan I am in here. I feel like he's tried to move this thing to a no contact type of situation, but then he intermittently calls. It is very frustrating and we had no conversation about making this shift. Also, he originally had said that he would be taking time off from work and would write me a letter describing what he believed had gone wrong in the marriage and that he would read my letter.<p>Does anyone have any advice as to what I should be doing here? Keep working the plan A; albiet on a limited basis since we have little to no contact? Move to plan B if this continues like this and give him a plan B letter that asks for no contact?<p>I am really confused. Today I am pretty calm, but when I am at home in the evenings I am in tears over the situation and do not understand how we went to this no in-person contact/very limited phone contact.

I'm sorry no one has responded yet. I can't really give you any advice yet as I am trying to figure out what kind of plan i should be in myself. But I can sympathize with you and know that you are not alone in this. Unfortunately there are too manyin the same situation. It sounds like you are doing ok as far as not LB'ing. I am not good at that, so maybe plan b is going to be where I am headed. I think it is good that you are not being too needy, and I think he does need to realise how you feel. My H also likes to try to make people feel sorry for him. He may need no contact from you to really see that you are serious about what you say. It's a hard call. My MC said most times people seperate they don't get back together, but how can people live in these situations? It's very difficult. I'm sure you'll get better responses from more experienced people. Good luck.

Do not try plan b if you see any positive signs from plan a.<p>IMHO:
It does not appear that you are doing a full Plan A here. Why are you not answering his calls? Why are you not calling him? Try not to play mind games with him now. He is in a fog and any game playing is going to thicken the fog. It sounds like he is making progress, but you are giving him mixed signals. Why don't you try to call him? Ask him to meet you for coffee one day. Show him that you still care not by just words in a letter, but also by actions.<p>How did you separate? Why are you separated? Is he seeing the OW or living with the OW? Who was deciding to do the no phone contact? It sounds like you are the one not contacting him.

I was trying not to call because I felt like I was doing most of the calling prior to this and wanted to give him his space. Sorry, this did not have more information in it. I'm not sure how to link to my other threads that describe my situation in more detail.<p>The separation was something I demanded upon finding out (I did not know about MB and had no clue what I was doing but had felt mentally abused for months -- everything was my fault, my WH wasn't coming home and told me I was paranoid/crazy for many months when I kept asking where he was/was he having an A and he had previously admitted to visiting prostitutes. I was at the end of my rope.) His A is with an employee and we all work together in the same field. I was so devastated and I knew I needed for him to go then. I recognize it was a mistake. I LBd for a few weeks and then found MB and have been doing a really good plan A (I think). Cooking him meals, helping him professionally, trying to listen (but he can't talk), not telling people about the A, etc. and just generally being there.<p>I did LB a few times by crying so hard I had to ask him to leave the house. He had been coming over 2-3 times a week announced and then for planned recreational activities and helping me with yard stuff on the weekends. He was still in contact with the OW and another of his employees was telling me about it. That has stopped because I said I just did not want to know right now.<p>He has been coming in and out of the fog lately and then he just cut off contact. I assumed he wanted his space and he hasn't asked to see me. I keep reading on this board that I shouldn't be too available or needy. <p>I still don't know what to do here.

I'm just starting to get a feel for this whole separation thing myself, and from what I can tell, your H sounds fairly typical: using intermitent contact as a way to maintain some level of control (at least in his own mind).<p>There are many schools of thought on how you can deal with things... True Plan A would probably say you should be receptive to meeting his EN, which would mean talking to him, maybe even doing little things like sending him cards, etc. The Divorce Busting folks would say "don't call" - but also don't be unkind or cold. And full Plan B would be full no contact. As Steve put it to me, it's like a spectrum. I found myself at different spots along the way, and I think the best way to deal with it is to really use what works - and don't use what doesn't... pretty obvious, I suppose.<p>As for Plan B... If you're not so out of gas that you're LB'ing all over the place, I'd suggest hanging on and ending Plan A on as high a note that you can. You want their last memories of you to be the best possible ones, since human nature would have them remember them the most. Sure - easier said than done, and there's no magic way to always do a "great Plan A" (or else we'd all do that) - sometimes is just happens, sometimes it doesn't (check out my latest threads - I got lucky!!).<p>Really Plan B should be about YOU... are you feeling like you're prepared to accept ANY outcome? Don't base it on HIS actions (or inactions).<p>[ June 05, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Thank you for your responses. Generally, no, I am not out of gas on my plan A. I still feel like I can be friendly and try to meet what ENs I can. His biggest is SF, which we have not had in months -- basically since last fall when he became consumed with his A. He kept rejecting me and that was a big clue that things were not well; although he still kept denying the A.<p>I think what I am having trouble with here is that I am trying to do plan A and have not lost my will to do it, but he has gone into some weird intermittent contact mode without letting me know that's what he wants right now. I recognize that he probably does not know what he wants, but he was at least communicating nightly. Now, I have no idea when or if he is going to call and haven't seen him until today. After posting he showed up very briefly to drop off some tools he had taken from the house. He was reasonably friendly, but clearly did not want to be anywhere near me. <p>I asked whether he was going to be taking off time from work and he replied yes, that he really hadn't done that and he was going out of town for several days. No real indication of where or when and I did not push it. I asked if he would call whenever he got back into town or if he would like to have lunch before he left. He said "we'll see".<p>I really do not have any idea what is going on here, but it's really hard to do a plan A when he says he wants to "sort out his head" and doesn't call as frequently and I don't know where he is. I truly do not want to come across as clingy or needy, but I do want him to know that I would like to see him/spend time with him.<p>It is a delicate balance that I am bit confused by at this point. I guess I'll keep going on with the plan A as best I can. I definitely am not ready to go to plan B right now -- I feel I did something wrong and it would not be on a high note, but I don't know what I've done other than existing right now.<p>I have already told him what I thought I contributed to the demise of our marriage and apologized and gave him the letter Jennifer Harley suggested. I have been doing the best plan A I can muster and try not to let him see my despair and my crying. I have really worked on the needs I know I was not meeting that he lets me - recreational companionship (I'm running again and offer to bike, ski, etc with him, but he's still doing a lot of that with the OW at least up until a month ago), no SF (he barely lets me hug him), better physical appearance (I've lost weight and try to look like I'm getting sleep etc), and admiration (even though I'm not particularly admiring of some of his behavior I am trying to complement him and support him on his professional endeavors and other things he does; which I have to say is really really hard when he still works daily with the OW and I have to hear about her all the time from him and others). I haven't been able to do this perfectly, but so much better than how I was for the past year. I KNOW he needs to see the changes. <p>I'm just so confused about the change in calling less and no seeing him in person after four months of being separated in address, but still talking every day and seeing eachother several times a week. My biggest fear is that he is going somewhere with the OW (the majority of his A other than constant "lunches" with her at her apartment was taking "work" trips to nice expensive places that we had visited years ago as a happy couple).

Hi, I recently learned that any neediness or assertivenss from me.. about the A.. what he did wrong.. etc etc.. is not well tolerated by my H... he withdraws and pouts.. poor baby... they do feel quite bad about themselves.. and my H actually feels if I cant move on about all of this.. he cant come back. he is terrified of discussing his wrongs or having to make it up to me.<p>For now do not mention the A... that is part of plan a... I think you will see better results.. no commenets about the A.. until you are futher along in recovery...<p>I do not always do this myself.. but if I did I would have beetter results.<p>Good luck, Honey

unsureheart,<p>I hope you are doing better today. That is all your marriage needs right now is for both of you to be confused. Do not try to read into his actions too much now. Women do this way too much. Sometimes a guy just needs some time alone.<p>Just a thought, try finding out if H is still seeing the OW from your friend at his office. Maybe he is going through withdrawl. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>IMHO: About his apparent lack of interest in you, you backed off so he backed off. I would probably do the same. Now you have to regain some ground that you lost. You can see how this 180 stuff is not so good of an idea when you are getting positive responses. Trying to get him to care more about you by acting as though you do not care about him is nonsense!!! Do not listen to those who tell you this. Try calling him. Do not smother him though. This can have a negative response. You will be safe at calling once a day. Invite him out for coffee or over for dinner. If you are willing to fullfill his need for SF, when things start getting better, try initiating. In the book "Mars and Venus in the Bedroom", John Gray says that for men great sex is a quick way to turn around a sour relationship.

Thanks J.R., Honey and Dreamland -- I am doing better this morning. My sister came over last night with her one year old because her husband left her without saying anything and she was a mess. The three of them were in a nearby town on a business trip and they got into some kind of fight and he LEFT her at the hotel when he was supposedly checking in and did not come back/did not answer his cell phone. She showed up at my door at 10:30 p.m. with her one year old in tow and had been sitting in the lobby of the hotel for several hours waiting for him and trying to reach his cell phone. That is as much as I know and I didn't ask any questions because I think she just needed a place to put the baby to sleep and get calm herself.<p>Dealing with that made me realize that my problems pale in comparison. I am feeling pretty good today about my situation and realize I can do plan A longer if I don't try to figure out what is going on in WH's head too much. I just left a message on his cell phone letting him know that my sister was at our house and that I hoped he would call me later in the day/hoped he was ok.