I had decided not to post for a while, to just sit back and read in the hopes that the events of this past weekend would have changed the attitude of some people on here. It only took a few days to see that was not going to happen. I can't really say that I am surprised.<p>There is a serious problem on this BB that really needs to be addressed by the moderators. I beleive that was the intent of the notice posted at the top of the P/C forum page but it has gone unnoticed by some. Plain and simple. The BSs and "old timers" do not have any greater rights or privelages than anyone else posting here. This is a MB forum after all and not a BS forum. The OPs and WSs are not merely "guests" who are given the privelage by the BSs to post here as long as they abide by the rules set forth by the BSs. This attitude runs rampant in all the forums.<p>Granted, there is the occasional "intruder" who posts just to cause trouble, but what do some of you do? You engage in heated debate with them only adding fuel to the fire them stomp off cursing the "OP trouble makers". Has no one here ever heard " ignore them and they'll go away"? It is very apparent that some of you direct your disdain of these people towards all the innocent OPs and WSs that post here.<p>This BB has turned into nothing more than a clique for BSs (not what it was intended to be I'm sure). I may continue to read from time to time but until I see major changes I will not post any advice nor will I ask for any. Some of you really need to ask yourselves whether you are here for MBing reasons or if you just want a place where you can vent and take your anger out on innocent people.

want it back<p>I must disagree with most of what you have written. As a FWS who desperately wanted to regain my M and myself, I have gotten nothing but support and good advice from many BSs. But maybe the key phrase here is "wanted to regain my M and myself."<p>Yes, this is a place for venting. All of us do that from time to time. But this is also a place for advice and constructive criticism. Sometimes things are said is a rather harsh way (I have been guilty of that myself) but I do not believe those things have been said with malice.<p>As for OP coming here and getting an ear full. Maybe some BSs are taking a little rage out on them. But, come on, really who can blame them. This place is about building (or rebuilding) marriages. From the OP posts I have seen, those people were more interested in getting their way than in rebuilding a M or letting the married person rebuild the marriage.<p>I have never been "bashed" by a BS...just given good advice from someone on the other side of the affair issue. Advice that I very much appreciate.<p>Regretting<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Regretting ]</p>

Another former wayward spouse here, and probably one of the "bashers" as well. Bashing is certainly never my intention, but I do get quite passionate about my opinions on ocassion.<p>I was extremely deep in the fog and totally confused about what to do. I recieved all forms of support...harsh, tender, and even enabling. For me the harsh was what eventually pulled me out. It would get me mad enough to try to come up with a valid arguement why that poster was WRONG. But of course I couldn't....couldn't come up with more than "feelings" and "destiny". Because what I was doing was wrong.<p>And because my husband was the type to keep all his pain and anger hidden I never witnessed how this all really affected him. To read the anger of a BS helped me to "hear" his pain.<p>I don't think adults deserve to be sheltered from the truth, and anger and pain are true emotions that come from having a loved one betray them. Obviously no one benefits from a lynch mob either, but I guess I've yet to see one.

I have to agree with both of the above. As a WS I too have been welcomed and not bashed. I have gain a great deal of valuable insights from BSs. Also, I have helped BSs understand what may be going on in their own WSs mind. It's hard to admit these things sometimes because then I have to make myself vulnerable and admit that yes I did the same illogical thinking, but I have never been bashed for it. Actually, I've been thanked for sharing.<p>I think it's true, the key is "rebuilding". I do understand a lot of hurt that the BS feels. Many WSs who are barely if not yet ending their affair have a hard time seeing this. Noone is really here to bash anyone. <p>Anyhow, I hope that you can continue to gain knowledge here. As for further posting on your part - maybe you should just post to the threads you feel you can relate or help. As for getting help yourself, feel free to e-mail me anytime. I'd be happy to help if I can. My e-mail is tutter13@ivillage.com.<p>My best to you.

I also posted this on the P/C section in reply to your thread.<p>want it back<p>I don't think a member of this forum that has been posting on here since February of 2002 can possibly have enough knowledge to know if this forum needs to be overhauled or not. The amount of pain and hard work that are behind the years of this forum and its remarkable amount of successful recovered marriages speak for itself. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There is a serious problem on this BB that really needs to be addressed by the moderators. I believe that was the intent of the notice posted at the top of the P/C forum page but it has gone unnoticed by some. Plain and simple. The BSs and "old timers" do not have any greater rights or privelages than anyone else posting here. This is a MB forum after all and not a BS forum. The OPs and WSs are not merely "guests" who are given the privelage by the BSs to post here as long as they abide by the rules set forth by the BSs. This attitude runs rampant in all the forums. <hr></blockquote><p>No one does have greater rights or privileges than any other member. I don't believe any one has ever said they did?<p>Below is the intent of this forum, as stated by Tempest the administrator.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>As for the intent of this forum - remember that ALL of these forums are operated by Marriage Builders, and their main purpose is to provide support for those who are building or rebuilding their marriages. If you are building or rebuilding your marriage or if you want to provide support to others in building or rebuilding their marriages, then you are welcome here. <hr></blockquote><p>It clearly states that it's for people who are trying to build or rebuild their marriages. <p>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Granted, there is the occasional "intruder" who posts just to cause trouble, but what do some of you do? You engage in heated debate with them only adding fuel to the fire them stomp off cursing the "OP trouble makers". Has no one here ever heard " ignore them and they'll go away"? It is very apparent that some of you direct your disdain of these people towards all the innocent OPs and WSs that post here. <hr></blockquote><p>Okay, I may be off here but how do innocent and OP or WS go any where hand in hand? The very nature of those rolls implies anything but innocence. <p>As far as disdain towards OPs and WSs, I have never showed someone who is trying to repair or build a marriage disdain. As a matter of fact many of my very close friends from this very forum have been OPs and WSs.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>This BB has turned into nothing more than a clique for BSs (not what it was intended to be I'm sure). <hr></blockquote><p>According to Webster's dictionary and I guote:<p>Main Entry: clique
Pronunciation: 'klEk, 'klik
Function: noun
Etymology: French
Date: 1711
: a narrow exclusive circle or group of persons; especially : one held together by common interests, views, or purposes
- cliqu•ey also cliquy /'klE-kE, 'kli-/ adjective
- cliqu•ish /'kli-kish/ adjective
- cliqu•ish•ly adverb
- cliqu•ish•ness noun<p>So yes, compared to the vastness of the world we are an exclusive circle or group of persons. We certainly are held together by one common interest, that being the carnage of infidelity. Our purpose here is to build and rebuild marriages. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I may continue to read from time to time but until I see major changes I will not post any advice nor will I ask for any. Some of you really need to ask yourselves whether you are here for MBing reasons or if you just want a place where you can vent and take your anger out on innocent people. <hr></blockquote><p>Sometimes one needs to look in a mirror to see what they believe they see in other people. You seem to have a chip on your shoulder. Please do knock it off and let us all get down to being a supportive group of loving people who are struggling to get through the immense effort of building and recoverying our marriages. <p>I'm sorry if I have come on too strong, but you really only have viewed the tip of the iceberg here. The history and success behind this forum is something you will only be able to understand with time. I hope you stick around to enjoy it. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

I don't know which would be worse... having been here since February of 2002 or March of 2000. I know there is no time limit, but what has this site been doing/not doing for you that you have been on it for more than two years?

[img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by findingmywayback:
<strong>I don't know which would be worse... having been here since February of 2002 or March of 2000. I know there is no time limit, but what has this site been doing/not doing for you that you have been on it for more than two years?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Well I fall somewhere in the middle, smack dab in the middle and here is my reason:<p>1. What this site has been doing for me since I have been here since Jan 2001?<p>Answer: Helping me understand, cope and survive the intense pain of living through all the facets of the A. Ability to see with a clear mind and work with a calm heart so that I my family (with or without the WS) will survive. Could I have done this with MB? Yes, but it would have been harder. Much harder. <p>2. What has this site not done for me since I have been here since Jan 2001?<p>Answer: It has not ruined my life. It has kept the OP alive. It has not left me without hope. It has not made me feel worthless. <p>3. Why do I still come here if my H is back and we are recovering together? <p>Answer: Because I have learned and been given much support. Part of my therapy is to give support in return. <p>4. Will I continue to post here and for how long? <p>Answer: That time will tell.

I started posting on a site simliar to this one January of 2000, so I've been at this about 2.5 years. The first 18months I was back and forth through my A, leaving my H, false recoveries...you name it. But I kept reading and posting to try to warn a few away from what I was dealing with. Then things started sinking in and I began to "get it". So I started posting questions...got some very good information. Shortly thereafter H and I got back together and went in to TRUE recovery. I've stuck around to help others and to continue to learn. If it weren't for the "old timers" that helped me...I would most likely be divorced and shuffling our son back and forth daily. Thank goodness so many are willing to share their painful memories and hard learned lessons with others going through the same thing.