OK...my wife neglected my emotional needs for years. We've been married for 11 years, and have 3 beautiful children. We're both in our early thirties. I had an early affair (within the 1st year of marriage) and told her about it. She decided she wanted to still try to make things work. I've since then have had 1 affair and a few one night stands. In addition, I've rekindled the fire in the first affair, and we got heavily involved, until the other woman couldn't take it anymore. Now I am currently involved in ANOTHER affair with a very beautiful woman. My wife is very beautiful, and has been faithful to me, but in the last five years has not only neglected my emotional needs, but have acted like she just didn't care! She didn't even address them, which after a while built up resentment in me.
I believe that we just got married too young. I didn't learn about chemistry between two people until my first affair. That relationship taught me how good love can feel and how good sex can be...not my marriage. You know that wonderful feeling you feel when you're a newlywed...you feel like your spouse is the greatest and can do no wrong...you feel in love and on top of the world!! Well, I didn't feel any of that. And she didn't either. The reality is that even though, for years, I've claimed to be a fighter in my marriage, even though I was always the one to talk about making it work and that divorce is not an option...I haven't been fulfilled. I believe I can be happy and faithful...but I'm not sure that I can be that with my current wife. Please give feedback.

Maybe I should keep my opinions to myself, but I won't.<p>Blaming your W for what YOU chose to do does NOT make it okay. If you really have that little feeling/respect for her, then you should have acknowledged that and left her well before you let an A happen. You took, and are still taking, the coward's way out. And you are NOT taking any responsibilty for it. Does it make you feel better to blame her????????

You know, I just knew this was going to be an "I am having an affair" post when it started out "my wife has been neglecting my needs.........." Have you noticed they always start out couched in a lame self-serving justification like that? <p>And I have never understood how, if EN's are NOT being met and one is worried about the state of thier marriage, that an affair HELPS the situation? Can someone explain that logic to me?<p>Anyway, sorry to hit and run like this but I have to get off to work. I am sure others will have more time to properly address your concerns.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</p>

Let's see....<p>"She" neglected YOUR emotional needs, but you were the one that was having affair after affair(and still continuing to do so)!!! <p>Seems to me like you were the one that was depriving HER while speading it out to a vast many others.<p>Why are you surprised that she acts like she does not care??? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Seems to me that is the totally appropriate stance to take considering the situation that YOU have put her in.<p>One other thing....how can you say that you are a fighter in your marriage...wanting to make it work....and divorce not being an option, when in fact everytime that you "choose" to start yet another affair says just the opposite?<p>I think that you have posted on the wrong forum. And you might want to change that sign on name....you could be described as just the opposite. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

1st I haven't blamed my wife for our present situation. The subject of this post was he question of whether or not I should even be married. I'm obviously looking for help by posting how I feel. If you are compelled to be my judge and hurl faceless insults to make yourself feel better...don't bother. Since I'm asking for help, those replies don't qualify. And for you who feel like name-calling...save it
I'm not opposed to replies that tell a hard truth and get me to look in the mirror...that's what I need. In other words if you don't want to help then don't reply.

Morning Winner,<p>Welcome to Marriage Builders. <p>To be fair, perhaps you started your post out by talking about emotional needs (EN) because you have read here and understand that the lack of meeting them can cause discontent in a Marriage. BUT ... it is not an excuse for having an affair.<p>That said ....<p>I would like to address the beginning of your post:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You wrote:
OK...my wife neglected my emotional needs for years. We've been married for 11 years, and have 3 beautiful children. We're both in our early thirties. I had an early affair (within the 1st year of marriage) and told her about it. She decided she wanted to still try to make things work.<hr></blockquote><p>So, "she" decided to continue on with the marriage after disclosure of your first affair which occured in YOUR FIRST YEAR of marriage.<p>It sounds as tho you are telling us, or yourself, that it is HER FAULT and solely HER RESPONSIBILITY that she is still married to someone who cheats, because it was "her" decision. And you are in no way responsible for your decisions to have these affairs while remaining married ... in addition it sounds like you're saying that your wife has been warned, she knows you have the propensity to cheat and if she stays, well than, she asked for it. <p>Please forgive me if my interpretation is off, but your post smacks of justification and rationalizations.<p>If your marriage has been bad for this long, why haven't you divorced BEFORE you had these affairs. Don't you have a say in whether or not you remain married? Or is it all your wife's decision, hence her responsibility?<p>Jo

Winner,<p>I'm a former WS and I wanted to take the time to answer to you. I found myself in love with the man I was having my EMA with. But I was also in love with my H too. Talk about getting myself in one big mess. But I had to think what is it I want out of my marriage. It was a conscience decision I had to make for myself. And I had to ask myself do I want to make my marriage work or just get the heck out of dodge. For me it was my marriage and a stable home for my 2 children. For you it may be the other route. You have to decide what it is and what it isn't you want out of life. I know some will disagree with me on this one, but you may have to be selfish for a little while and decide this for yourself. Take enough time so that if you do choose to work on your marriage you won't have more EMA's in the future. That is not fair to your W and to the women you are having EMA's with. And it's just not good for your peace of mind either. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I hope this helps.<p>RW

Me again...<p>I agree with Resilient. I just did not say it as eloquently (ok ok ok.... as nicely) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>It is hard not to be a little judgmental when the post begins with how YOU have been deprived when YOU have been the one that has removed yourself from a committed relationship (marriage) by having your numerous affairs. I only wanted you to look into that mirror and see what YOU have are and to try to get you to see that it is NOT all about you.
Your BS has been deprived and you are wanting someone here to tell you whether or not you need to be married.
This forum might be better well served if she were the one posting because it is obvious that you do not want to be married. The question is...Does she still want to be married to you? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

My personal opinion is that you're an A**HOLE and it's because of people like you that we're here trying to find answers to why this happened to our lives.<p>Carl<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Carl ]</p>

Hi again Winner,<p>I am curious how after having one affair after another (serial cheating), you can say you were trying to make the marriage work. Having affairs is not a way to better a marriage. At best, it places nothing but distance between you and your spouse.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Winner wrote:
The reality is that even though, for years, I've claimed to be a fighter in my marriage, even though I was always the one to talk about making it work and that divorce is not an option<hr></blockquote><p>Winner, there are skills you can learn on this site to better your marriage. And "YES", if only one spouse starts using them it can begin to take effect in your marriage where the other spouse becomes receptive and starts to reciprocate.<p>But definitely having affairs is not the answer to a happy marriage, and I think you've discovered that and that's why you are here now. <p>I'd also like to say that that "newness" you speak of that newlyweds experience, that feeling is FLEETING, Winner. All marriages come to a place where it becomes comfortable and the "euphoria" of newness wears off. That doesn't mean you can't have romance in a mature marriage, you can. <p>If you continue to look for a relationship where the newness (euphoria) never dissipates, you will be moving from one relationship to another the rest of your life and will always feel disappointed, IMHO.<p>God Bless,
Jo<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

I apologize if my reply offended you. However, I meant every word of it. If YOU want out of your marriage, then YOU are going to have to make that decision and follow through. Don't leave that burden on your wife, because she is not the one who cheated and is still cheating. Shifting the responsibility off of yourself may make you feel better, but it's just a big cop-out. Grow up and take some responsiblity for your actions...I'm sure it will make you feel better about yourself if you do so.

Thanks, Resilent and RobsWife. I started my post off wrong. In no way am I attempting to blame my wife. In disclosing info about my affairs, I'm expressing something that I'm looking for in other women, that I don't have in my wife THROUGH NO FAULT OF HER OWN. I obviously haven't been having affairs to improve my marriage. In stating that I was the one who was fighting for the marriage, this was after we began to rebuild from the early affair when I began to try to winn her trust again. She knows of no other affairs, though.

Hi winner! I'm proud that you are here and searching for some answers.<p>I have a suggestion that might save a little bit of flaming, and sharing on your part. This is just ONE step of many you can take to acquire info.<p>GO read the the recent thread by "ready-to-go". THere's some great advice in there, that may be applicable to your situation.<p>KEEP posting, and by all means, read as much of the info here as you can.

Winner,<p>I understand, I'm also guilty of being blunt to the point of being misunderstood. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Being a former WS the best advice I can give you is first be honest with yourself then you will be able to be honest with your W and you will be able to more clearly choose the path that is best for all those involved.<p>But I'm warning you, it will be a hard road no matter what you choose. There will be hurt and bitter feelings that you will have to deal with. I know it's been over a year and my H will every now and then ask me if I think of the man I had my EMA with and I will NOT lie to my H and I have to tell him yes I do. It will not be easy to turn your feelings off for someone, it just doesn't work that way. I'm one of the extremely lucky ones that has a H who decided he wants our marriage and that he understands this has been hard on me too. It hasn't been easy for him (hardest thing in his life) to know I was in love with the OM. It just about did me in to tell him, but being honest with my H was the best thing I ever did. By being honest with him I was able to see everything more clearly and it made it that much easier for me to decide what I wanted out of my life.<p>My H told me something that helped me a lot. He told me that it works both ways; Not only did he have the choice to leave the marriage due to my infidelity, but I had the choice to walk away too, I didn't have to choose the marriage. I could have taken, what some believe, the easy way out and started over. But I chose to stay and work hard for my marriage. You have that choice to make, no one can make it for you. You can get all the advice you care to get, but only you can choose what you want and/or what is best for you.<p>RW<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Rob's Wife ]</p>

Hey there Winner,<p>The very first piece of advice I would offer is to lose your resentment. You have to remember something here, if you have unmet needs and are resentful of that, it's a sure bet your wife's needs have not been met as well, she may feel the same. So someone has to start the ball rolling in repairing the damage, and because you came here, I vote you start.<p>Carrying around the resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other guy to die. Resentment will make closeness almost impossible. I think a way to help rid yourself of resentment is to accept your 100% of the 50% responsibility of your marriage's current state. You own that ... 100%. Become honest with yourself, it's a couragous thing to do.<p>Jo<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Hello Winner and Welcome....<p>I am a W to a multiple cheater(32 total). I am also a former WS(FWS). <p>I always questioned my H why he cheated on me our entire M. I never understood what is was that he was looking for. I've always had some idea. It always went back to his childhood though. His father did it to his mother. That was the source.<p>Anyways....why did you and continue to do it even now that you know it is wrong? Or do you think it is wrong? <p>I asked myself this same question..."Should I leave this M?" For years I looked for an answer. After 10 yrs of him cheating on me and 1 A of my own, I finally realized, YES! I want to be M'd, but not to someone like him. I deserve better and he knows it. (Still M'd, but been seperated for 4 months-Plan B) <p>For some reason I was looking for the "O.K.", the reason, the support, to feel "O.K." to leave. I was looking for that something to say to me, "it's time to call it quits." I was looking to other people and to my H to give me the answers I needed. <p>You know what?.....I allowed my M to deteriorate(sp) this long as well as my H did. I am responsible solely for my part in the breakdown of my M and for choosing to have an A, which only made matters worse. <p>My conversation w/ myself:
"What the h%#l am I waiting for?"
"I want this M to be different, don' I?"
"I want things to change, right?"
"I sure as hell don't want to live like this anymore...."
"Then, what are you going to do about?"<p>I had to be strong enough to change things no matter what it took. I had to do the right thing, not just for myself and my D, but for US, no matter how much it would hurt. He won't change things. Why would he? He enjoys having his cake and eating it too. Who wouldn't. I could no longer let the fear hold me back. I choose to be happy with or without him. <p>Winner...you know what your fear is? Deep down you know what you need to do. Only you can change things for yourself. Only you can stop your A's from happening, but only if you want to stop them. Your W cannot control or change you and vice versa. <p>If you want to be married, then BE married! If you don't, then get out. I strongly believe you are M'd or you are not. There is no in between. Only chaos and confusion there. <p>Is that where you feel comfortable being?<p>I think you owe your W a choice. She deserves better. <p>Maybe you're afraid she will leave? Are you? Afraid you will make the wrong choice? (All chances you will have to take.) <p>LOOK AT YOURSELF, WINNER. What are you doing to make the M work? Are you giving your W a fair chance to make it work or are you making the choice for her? Choosing the easy way out?(cake eater)<p>YOU have to be the one to change things for yourself. The longer you wait, the more A's you continue to have, the harder it will be. The more risk you take to lose any love or respect your W has left for you. Where is the honor in that? <p>One more thing....your W may not be meeting your needs because she is holding some resentment or contempt for your first A. If she has not gotten any help to get over it, then she may have some built up trust issues as well as resentment towards you which keeps her from forfilling your ENs. Maybe you should ask her?<p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

You're right on point with how I feel, RW. But my wife is not like your H. She's been suspecting, but there is no way I can tell her about what I've done...because of how she is - it would crush her. And although my actions haven't said this, I don't want to hurt her like I did before. It was horrible. BUT...I don't believe that my wife can meet my EN once I've recommitted. I would have to look solely and completly to her for those EN, and when I've done that before, I was always left wanting, disappointed, and like I said before, I began to grow resentful. RW, you're blessed if your H is all those things you said...my W is not affectionate, nor does she communicate well, and she does not need companionship and sex as much as I do. That's a problem for me. Maybe I'm just not the one for her. She doesn't know about that chemisrty I talked about earlier, because her and I don't have it, and she's never been with someone who brought out those things in her.

Just read your reply, IntheClouds, and you're right. Thank you. I am scared. Scared to let go, scared to try again.

From Constructing the Sexual Crucible by David Schnarch:<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Some people devote their lives to the pursuit of "sexual chemistry". Ironically, sexual chemistry is often nothing more than the serendipitous achievement of arousal and orgasmic thresholds by two people with compatible sexual scripts in the early manifestations of interlocking individual issues. When interlocking unresolved object relations and family-of-origin issues eventually become gridlocked, sexual chemistry evaporates. The view that sexual chemistry can be developed if both parties are willing to "grow themselves up" constructively tarnishes the fantasy that sexual chemistry is some form of interpersonal "magic."<p>"Sexual chemistry" often fades away, not because the chemicals are used up, but because they are neutralized in the slowly unfolding interplay of transference projections and homeostatic systems. If partners can maintain their sexual excitement through the disillusionment, anger and desperate struggle for autonomy that follows "instant intimacy", they may succeed in discovering an alternative formula for sexual chemistry. That formula, derived in the sexual crucible of sexual and marital difficulties, contains the equation for self-sustaining intimacy and sexuality. Self-sustaining individuals are two of the principal factors in that formula.<hr></blockquote><p>That alternative formula can be found here at MB. The essence of it is the Policy of Joint Agreement and the 4 rules of Care, Protection, Honesty and Time. It will take YOU doing those things:<p>

• Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your W
• Become an expert at meeting your W's most important ENs
• Avoid being the cause of your W's unhappiness
• Be totally open and honest with your W
• Take time to give your W undivided attention

<p>If you are not willing to follow those basic concepts, then my answer to your question is: No, you should not even be married.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Conqueror ]</p>

Hi Winner,<p>Welcome to MB... Pretty rough start on this thread, but looks like you've gotten some good advice as well...<p>One thing struck me in your original post....I had an early affair (within the 1st year of marriage) and told her about it. She decided she wanted to still try to make things work. My wife had multiple affairs early in our marriage as well, I didn't deal with them properly, I just buried them and acted as if they never happened. It appears that your wife has done the same thing.<p>I agree with Clouds, YOU owe your wife the choice of whether or not to stay in the marriage with you. She may leave you, but then again, she may not... But it should be HER decision.<p>She's been suspecting, but there is no way I can tell her about what I've done...because of how she is - it would crush her. You may be correct, but still, let HER decide whether or not it crushes her... I can tell you from 1st hand experience, that if she SUSPECTS....then the not knowing and the lies that you are telling her are hurting her much more than the actual "facts" will. <p>I don't believe that my wife can meet my EN once I've recommitted. I would have to look solely and completly to her for those EN, and when I've done that before, I was always left wanting, disappointed, and like I said before, I began to grow resentful. You may be correct, it sounds like you both have issues that you need to deal with and I would recommend that you both find a good marrige counselor if you are serious about repairing your marriage. I'll be honest, if my spouse were still in multiple affairs, then I sure wouldn't feel like meeting her needs. <p>If you're serious about wanting your marriage to work out, then you need to fix yourself first. End the affairs and tell your wife. She may decide to get out of the marriage, but at least you will have allowed her to make that decision on her own. If you are lucky and she decides to stay... then be prepared for a long hard road to repairing your marriage.<p>If you decide to get out of the marriage and you don't find out WHY you feel the need to have multiple affairs, then the same pattern is going to follow you to your next relationship.<p>I wish you the best in whatever you decide.<p>RIF90