Winner, do you realize that if you divorce your wife, marry one of your new found sex partners that eventually reality will set into that relationship too? That you will still be needed to take out the trash, mow the yard, and you will still come home from work tired to see another tired woman in the house with you? It sounds to me like you want the constant state of euphoria that a new sex partner brings. Well new sex partners leave you old and sitting on the porch rocking ALL BY YOURSELF. Marriage is about the tough times as well as the fun times, and if you change marital partners every time the new wears off, then you might as well not invest in 2 rocking chairs. You'll just be needing 1.

Winner,<p>It's hard isn't it? I've read the advice that you have been given throughout this thread, some constructive some not so constructive. But all who have responded have been hurt deeply either they be the BS or the WS. I'm glad you are sticking around. I mainly read but post to other WS's because I know first hand what they are going through. I won't even begin to insult the inteligence of a BS and say I know how they feel.<p>Just take your time in deciding what you want to do. Don't do anything until you are ready or you may end up regreting your decision. If in your heart you truly feel you will NOT be able to remain faithful to your wife, then no you shouldn't be married. No amount of marriage counseling will make you 'want' to be faithful. It has to come from the heart.<p>Please be brave and tell your W what has been going on. I know it's the hardest thing you will do. When my H found out it was the worse day of my life. I have to be honest with you, not only because I knew this could ruin my marriage, but because I also knew it would 'for sure' be over for me and the man I was having an EMA with if I chose to stay with my H. I felt I was losing 2 people very special to me. And of course the feelings of what if the OM was the right one for me, did I totally screw that up by deciding to stay with my H. But the biggy was I knew the trust was gone and it would take time, energy, and courage to build it again. All you can do is take one day at a time.<p>Yes my H is a wonderful man, I'm very blessed. But please don't think after just a little over a year everything is peaches and cream. We still have our set-backs. I suspect we will for some time to come. But we are only in our early 30's and we have a lot of living to do, with one another. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>RW

Winner,
In my opinion, it is good you are here, and it is good you are posting. I think that shows at least that you have been doing some investigating on relationships and improving your marriage.
Read everything you can on this web site, maybe order some of the books and read them too. I found the quick start tape for His Needs, Her Needs to be excellent when my H finally decided to take a look at this with me. One of the hardest things to do is to look at yourself and reflect on how your actions have contributed to the current situation. There is a lot of information here to help you understand why you get involved in affairs, and to help you heal. You mentioned that your vows are very important to you -- yet you compromised your values with your A. That can be personally painful. You might also invest in counseling with the Harleys - either together or by yourself to start with. One of you needs to take the initiative and since it looks like you have at least started to explore this - you are realizing that there is a healthier way to live, and what you are doing with your affairs is not it. Good luck to you.

Winner,<p>There are many on this forum that are in the same boat you are. In fact, here is a thread that just ended the other day:<p>OW meets more needs than wife....Mr Bunky, Hope4... <p>IMHO:
Let me try to sum up what I think about your situation and your feelings. Please remember that I really do not know you and this is only my guess. Do not get offended by this, I am only trying to help: For years you have been justifying your actions and your guilt by your logic of "my wife has not filled my EN's." The funny thing about EN's is that she can not fill your EN's if she does not know what they are, and she probably will not try to fill your EN's now because she probably does not get her EN's filled by you. Someone has to be the initiator here.<p>By the sound of how many A's you had, you are still searching for someone to fill your EN's. You know that the fact that you are not staying with the same women is a good indication of how poor your communications skills are or you do not know what you want. If you do not know what you want, how is someone else going to know what you want?<p>Please know this, your wife IS capabable of filling your EN's. She needs to know what your EN's are and she needs to feel like you care for her to meet your EN's. When is the last time you have been romantic with her. Do me a favor. If you can, ask your wife gently tonight if you have been filling her emotional needs. Ask her how she feels about you. Maybe she feels the same sentiments. Have you been romantic with her?<p>With all of this said, true love is not about filling EN's. True love is a decision in the heart to care for someone forever. It is a commitment of unconditional love. It is staying with the women you married and doing everything possible to protect her. You have not shown this at all to your wife. You kicked the marriage off with a big A. You are not showing your unconditional love now because you searched for others to fill your EN's instead of working on your marriage so that your EN's could be filled. I agree it is much easier to chunk the old women and find a new one, but this will be a never ending process because you have not learned to express your feelings and work on a relationship, it seems that the second the relationship gets difficult, you find another to fill your EN's. You see it is important to demonstrate true love to get true love.<p>It would be nice if you did decide to give your marriage another try. Arm yourself with knowledge about relationships through books like SAA and His Needs Her Needs, right down on paper specifically what you want from your wife and share it with her, go to MC together, date and be romantic with her again, and do not quit her when the going gets tough-communicate instead and go to MC.<p>I have probably said too much already. This is not as easy as it sounds, and I wish you all the luck. It is a good sign for you when you decide you want to change yourself and start looking for answers.

Hi Winner. I too was a WS. I guess I only had to witness and feel the devistating pain once in order to pull my head out. You must be very tortured.<p>You've mentioned a few things that raised big red flags for me. For one...you're convinced of what your wife is or isn't capable of. Believe me, there's no way you can possibly know what she's capable of when you're doing the things you're doing. You have some very big issues within yourself, and until you fix those you can't possibly be a good witness to your own marriage. A marriage that's failing largely in part to you.<p>I was SURE my H would never be capable of meeting my needs...and much like you I determined that it was my spouses JOB to meet those needs completely. WRONG!!! Once I learned to meet many of my own needs and became more complete (and less needy) as a person he was much more able to actually please me. If all she gives is never enough for you, there's a good chance she gave up long ago. And like the others have said here...you are obviously far from meeting many of her needs. I would suspect honesty and fidelity would be big ones for her.<p>Also, passion doesn't "hit" many women until their 30's. I never experienced passion with another until the OM came along. I determined since I'd never felt it with any other, including my H, that he and I were meant to be together. Much like you are determining she has a "problem" because she doesn't feel that way with you. Passion require trust. Why on earth would she open up to you that way when she suspects what you're doing? Wouldn't it just make you sick to find out that once the two of you are divorced, she found a man who sweeps her off her feet and makes her burn like the sahara desert? There's a good chance that's exactly what would happen.<p>Your wife, your marriage and YOU are capable of much more. Many have been pleasantly surprised at how wrong they were about their marriages and their spouses. You'll never find out, however, without the truth.

THESE are the responses that I've wanted. Thank you all...please continue to respond...Thanks RW!

Winner,<p>You are more than welcomed. I hope all is better for you today. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>RW

I think that it would be a good idea for your first post to be closer to your latest. It would allow for a more comprehensive detail of everything. <p>No need to thank me... [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]