You may remember my earlier thread
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=017702<p>but to cut a long story short, here's an exec summary of my saga so far:
- D-day 2.5 months ago
- Since then vigourously pursuing Plan A
- In terms of the A, Best result so far was that WW told OM that she's going to stop contact, after which he mentioned suicide. At that point I knew he was losing it. However, contact never stopped entirely, but frequency dropped from daily to 1-2 weekly maybe.
- Also on the positive side, had some real good time together, including being intimate, honest talks, the works
- Thought it was really going better&#8230;. AND NOW THIS:<p>
WW was quite itchy and temper on a short fuse the last few days&#8230;.. always a good sign that OM is lurking somewhere in her mind - and sure enough: by snooping a bit I discovered a trail of phone call records & emails confirming that the affair (emotionally - remember: OM lives in US while we're in UK) is in full swing again: romantic emails; daily contact several times; talk of secret get-together in next vacation; assuring each others' love etc etc - pretty bad, really.<p>BTW - There's a v. interesting thread on this forum about the length of plan A with many posts mirroring my feelings (see
[URL=http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=007064&p=2]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=007064&p=2[/ URL] )<p>
Anyway&#8230; I do feel that my energy levels are going down, rapidly. How much longer do I have to put up with c**p like that? (eg OM writing, "I wonder when he <ie, me> is lifting his head from the sand" - talk of rubbing salt in wound)<p>Haven't confronted WW on the latest discovery of (snooped) evidence&#8230;.not sure if I should?<p>I really do feel like chucking it all in & move on, far away (other country, other continent). <p>(psychologist talk of fight vs flight - I'm not in the mood for the first, so take the second) <p>Another point: despite the general feeling from my side that things were looking up, WW never really showed ANY remorse at all.... <p>I really feel sometimes that I should simply forget the past 10 years, never look back & move on. Sounds brutal, but frankly: it looks like the most attractive option like now. Ah, life's a b***c. How cruel my WW is, she has no idea. It hurts, really.<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</p>

Nick,
I was a long-term Plan A person, and found Plan B unworkable with children.<p>So whether or not it is time for you to go to Plan B, I don't know. What I do know is that since Plan B involves separation, you should clearly think through who is going to have the child, how you will handle visitation, how you will do the child exchange.<p>With a child, is moving far, far away really an option? It shouldn't be. Kids need their dad, they need their mom.<p>Whatever you decide, Plan B has to be approached with planning, and being sure you can move to Plan B with no regrets, feeling that you have accomplished within yourself the changes that would be important to your spouse (if they noticed and weren't having that A) and have proven them.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Lor (Lor):
<strong>Nick,
I was a long-term Plan A person, and found Plan B unworkable with children.<p>... how you will do the child exchange.<p>... With a child, is moving far, far away really an option?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Lor,<p>Children definately complicate the matter, agreed. My situation is that child will 99% stay with WW, not me, for various reasons. (I raised this on an earlier occasion & got several replies from the forum that this need not to be so... still not convinced frankly. Daughter DOES need mom more than dad, generally speaking, in our case the same applies - even while me being a terriffic dad, or so I think)<p>And, As OM lives in other continent, our child would move away anyaway. At best, a vacation-type visiting arrangement would be possible.<p>Or am I subconciously threatening my WW to stop contact with D at all....? Don't know. The truth is, despite I LOVE my daughter dearly, imagining her being with OM who plays "daddy 2" just makes me absolutely sick. maybe, for her too it will be easier just to forget me as long as she's little. <p>So, you may understand now why I feel that doing plan B & then leaving is definately an option too.

Nope, sorry, I don't understand, but then, I don't have to [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . I just know how much my now teenage daughters need their dad...even the 16 year old who despised him for moving out & his A. I see those relationships being healed and it is the most wonderful thing. Girls need their dads.<p>When we were divorcing (reconciled now for 2 years) my H was going as for the stipulation that neither of us could move more than 50 miles away from the other, because he did not want to lose contact with our daughters.<p>I know you said you are in escape mode, but think this through clearly.

Nick -- I'm glad you posted again, but not so glad about the circumstances. The only thing I can say is that 2.5 months is not all that long for you to be in plan A (although I'm sure it feels like a lifetime right now) or for her to "get over" OM.<p>I was in the same situation with continuing contact and I just had to stop snooping for my sanity. It helped to read here every day during that time. <p>This whole thing takes an unbelievable level of patience and while you might feel like chucking the last ten years out the window, I don't think you really feel that way or you wouldn't have even tried plan A. Me, I am not a patient person, but the main reason you do plan A if FOR YOU. For you to get a handle on what you want. For you to get a handle on what you contributed or didn't contribute to the marriage. Whenever I think I cannot take it another day I think that a few months is not too much for me to be patient and to try. It hurts. It hurts worse than anything I have ever known short of the death of my niece to know that WS is communicating such things to another person about me, let alone the OW/OM.<p>Can you honestly say you think you have given this everything you've got and that you can't take another day of this? Is another day not worth trying?<p>I don't have words of wisdom so much as words of encouragement to keep trying. You clearly love your wife and your daughter. It is probably worth more time. The bottom line is that you will know you tried your best no matter what the outcome.<p>Go do something to let off that feeling that you're going to burst. I've been running 5K and 10K road races. I won't be winning any of these but the training and races keeps me sane and takes the edge off when I feel like I am going to explode into a pile of anger and frustration.<p>Keep posting.

thanks unsureheart,
as always, it's a pleasure to get your view.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>2.5 months is not all that long for you to be in plan A (although I'm sure it feels like a lifetime right now) or for her to "get over" OM.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Possibly, however I remember that the length of plan A is rather determined by the credit in the 'love bank' than by an arbitrary set time period, like 6 months.
Also, with regard to our R, after some initial improvement, it's fast pointing the other way now... as said, A is full swing back on again, and I'm standing next beside like an absolute idiot.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>I was in the same situation with continuing contact and I just had to stop snooping for my sanity.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I absolutely see what you mean - it DOES make me crazy. However, I think that not knowing what's going on is even worse? sort of like putting your head in the sand, isnt it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by unsureheart:
<strong>Can you honestly say you think you have given this everything you've got and that you can't take another day of this? Is another day not worth trying?
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Maybe I dont want to chuck it all in right now.... but I think the moment when I have to change tactics (read: from A to B) for my own sanity sake is approaching fast, unless a miracle is going to happen.
I definately do try my best in terms of feeling calm, balanced, healthy and happy (btw: as mentioned earlier, am a keen runner myself), in terms of being the best dad possible, in terms of supporting WW in whatever way I can.<p>Ouch. Ouch. Ouch. Why have I deserved this? Would someone please slap me in the face so I can wake up from this bloody nightmare?

Hi Nick 123 -- The end of your post "why do I deserve this". Absolutely no way does any human being deserve this. Sometimes I am consumed by that thought. Why would people do this and carry on this kind of behavior right in your face? I've come to the conclusion from reading on this board (and just about every bloody book on infidelity that's printed in english) that you have to think of the WW/WH as not all right in the head. It is a fantasy land and that fantasy includes NOT noticing or caring what is going on with the BS. They just can't see it because they are blocking it out as a way to maintain the fantasy. Unless your WW is a complete narcissist, there is just no way that she fully comprehends what she is doing to you.<p>A bit of a vent, but I wanted to reassure you that nobody deserves this. The only consolation I take in all of this is that a) I better understand what I want out of any relationship, b) I am running competitively again, c) I have rekindled relationships with some old friends (female) that have been my salvation, and d) I better understand what I need in order to make a relationship work. <p>It still hurts and I do sometimes wish it were a nightmare I would wake up from, but at the same time, after several months of this I know I am going to be ok. I will be unbelievably sad if my marriage end, but I will be ok.<p>I was chagrinned to see your other post on custody - things must have gotten worse for you to be in a frame of mind where you need to consider these options. <p>Best of luck.

Thanks guys,<p><strong> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>
I was chagrinned to see your other post on custody - things must have gotten worse for you to be in a frame of mind where you need to consider these options.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Indeed.... EA seems to be full on again, with promises of love forever & clandestine meetings in the upcoming vacation [where I was told not to come so as to save money for her relatives to fly to us] and all the rest of that bollocks. So, apart from doing a plan A, I'm contingency-planning. (actually, maybe contingency-planning is part of plan A?)
BTW - went for a great run yesterday through the woods, was just beautiful. got that great feeling that I could continue running forever...<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: Nick123 ]<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: Nick123 ]</p>

Nick;
This may sound harsh, but you are not ready for Plan B yet.<p>Plan A is about YOU. Making yourself better, stronger, able to detach from WS. You are obviously not there yet.<p>Concentrate on you. Your growth, your feelings, your ability to live with yourself. Work on you. As you begin to achieve this better you, you'll be closer to being ready for Plan B, if necessary.