New trigger – Question about Victory Secret Garment?!<p>I have been doing OK – had a heart to heart with DW a week ago & DW seems to have been responding in positive way -- more friendly, some affection of sorts, ECT. <p>She confessed to being verbally / emotionally abusive towards me over the years. I asked if she could give me a pledge or a vow that she would not do this again (the A thing!) – she become quiet – said she did not know what to tell me about that. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I could not let that go & I said that I am not asking her to predict the future & she starts shaking her head, like this is why she does not want to commit, because she does not know what will happen. She has suggested similar thing in past. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I say something to the effect that I know we can’t predict the future, but that is different than making a strong commitment in your heart to not do this again. She still do not elaborate -- She said that she did not want to do that again, because it was too painful. Now is that a commitment or a vow (to me) to not do that? I don’t think so –- to me it could mean that she was embarrassed to get caught & she does not want to go through that embarrassment again or she does not want to "get caught" again! Not the same as a conviction ... not to me at least. She asked if I could give a commitment like that to her & said, “absolutely!” ... she made no further comments on that subject. I did not want to back her into a corner about it, so I let it go.<p>I have been doing much better with my obsession over her & her activities –I have not been calling her very much at all – even on her days off & I have not been checking cell phone records or going through her cloths drawer.<p>For those that are not familiar with my story the two guys in my signature line were basic strangers to her when these things started and I busted her another time, 20 years ago. With the details of her activities with these guys & her hoistory in general, it is abundantly clear to me that she suffers from a condition that most people find hard to believe – she exhibits many symptoms of a sexaholic.
She has openly admits to me that she also suffers from Bulimia. She is in complete denial about the SA thing. She has been more open or close to accepting a problem with a shopping compulsion. She is not in any kind of recovery program & has not accepted any responsibility with her A’s. Says she was a victim. She knows full well I do not feel comfortable with the way she tends to dress. This has been a subject of much contention going on for two + years now. I started to notice a change that started just before her most recent A’s and I had been commenting on her “look,” off and on, but honestly, more off than on for the past few months. It is well known by her coworkers for example, that I have problems with how she dresses. I believe she professes that I am unecessariloy paranoid & on the controlling side. This issue is heightened for me in the summer with her shorts & tight, tank tops and the like. Remember, most of her tops are from the GAP, size small (she is 5’5” and 128 lbs.-- 36 “D” ) Does this seem a bit tight to you?<p>My sensitivity is in high gear with her full body tanning & her heightened interest to hang out at the local pool – in particular when she wears her bikini! We had extreme conflicts over this last summer & I tried to incorporate these trips into a recreational thing & join her, but she totally ejected the idea of me joining her with the retort that she was, "an adult & did not need a babysitter!!" She would go on her two days off during the week, not on weekends. I have tried hard to ignore my feeling about this, but sometimes find it extremely difficult. These paranoid kinds of thoughts are creeping back into my thought process particularity with my discovery today, which I am eventually leading up to here!<p>Over Memorial Day weekend, she was planning her first trip to the pool and had not invited me, so I more or less invited myself. She did not object. She was wearing one of her one piece suits which gave me some comfort. As we were close to leaving, she had a pair of cut off jeans, no cover up (she did look sexy!). To make a subtle point I had my trunks, but no shirt! I really need to cover my top & I felt really stupid, going out to the car and all, feeling half naked. Well, she puts on a light, short sleeve blouse she has used as a cover-up. I put on a tee shirt. We get to the car & she takes off her shirt & throws it in the back seat (never to be retrieved until we get back home). I had a notion to peel my shirt off in the car on the way, but did not.<p>She treats me like a piece of crap at the pool, we argue & I follow her suggestion of leaving to wash the car & coming back later to pick her up. She later tells me of talking with this kid and how the kid was upset he did not pass the swimming test for the deep end & how the kids Dad was consoling him. There were two dads with kids at the pool – no moms around – I have a feeling she had an exchange with the dad – I don’t know & I don’t care at this point.
But it would be a very convenient sagway from concern with child to dad! This could be total imagination on my part!! I did not have courage to ask her about that -- did not want to seem like the envious, insecure, paranoid Hubby!<p>Now here is my recent trigger. I was listening to a Christian radio broadcast of a show called “Hope for the Heart” with June Hunt. The topic was Sexual Addiction – a 15 minute segment of a series on this topic – she discussed that a person with this condition develops a need to “fill a void”, so to speak, left from childhood development where the proper nurturing did not happen -- feeling of being unworthy of love. Translates sex as a means of acceptance, where otherwise the person would not be accepted or feel worthy. This is exemplified with “erotic” thoughts & actions – could be exhibitionism – bang! They have a relationship with erotic feelings and actions, not a relationship with a person as such -- don't risk rejection or abandament that way! This is an unhealthy attitude towards sex, where these sexual thoughts and actions are tied to feeling of erotic nature and not love or romance as such. This is a very lose interpretation of the discussion. But as much as I have studied about this (SA), what hit home for me was that this is many times about unhealthy "Thoughts, Attitudes" and actions that are not directly tied to the actual physical act as such. Vourism is an example. “Hooked” on porn another example.<p>I could not resist my temptation. My DW uses the walk-in closet next to our bed. I open the door & walk in & almost like it’s starring me in the eye is a new outfit from Victory Secret (tags still intact). At first I was puzzled as to what it was exactly (still not certain). There are three pieces (hanging on same multiple hanger as her bikini, so that was my first hint). There is what I would call a mini skirt – skirt which measures 11 inches long. A bikini kind of briefs (actually a little on conservative side with a 2 inch hip strap), but the top is what threw me. I thought it was another miracle bra, but it has a metal connecting kind of thing in back instead of traditional hooks. These are all a solid black color and the material is 72% Nylon and 28% Spandex with the “lining” is 85% – 15%, nylon to spandex – what do you think, swim wear? I assume so. Does this description seem a little on the “Exotic side” or am I being unduly paranoid because of listening to the radio program? She has had a black, long shear cover-up that was hanging next to this.<p>I have been detaching of sorts & not asking too many questions about her day & she generally does not share much. HMMM<p> I am wondering if I should shift strategies a bit here? What do you think, should I take another stab at a policy of openness & honesty? I have not finished my book on boundaries – should I set a boundary on this bikini thing? With the mini skirt thing, it makes me a little crazy to think about what she has in mind?? <p>I know that my support group program says that I can not force her into recovery. However, I am reminded of a story which was actually a part of a sermon. It was about a person that was about to freeze to death & this person's friend got a stick to hit them to get them to move & ultimately saved their life. Should I get a stick so to speak, and apply it to my DW about some of these issues??
I mean I understand the issue of the controlling husband, dictating what his DW is to wear in public – it sounds bad to me. But on the other hand, I can not get out of my brain that my DW is playing some erotic games of sorts to show off her body to get some attention & a sexual teasing thing going on. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] How important is something like this to the self esteem of a happily married 50 year old woman? Don’t you think other people might get the impression I am getting about her basic erotic attitude here – or is it possible I am all wet on this & this is quite a natural thing for a woman in her situation … "50 year old married lady." I have a sense that this is the “image” she is looking to “avoid” at all costs. Would it be extreme to ask for a little modesty here – she will debate what that means of course. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>We all have our priorities, but for the life of me I cannot see the importance of this erotic look thing, that with my DW’s history, as anything but a continued game of sexual erotica. I have a hard time explaining this & I hope I have not rambled on!<p>She was back home in Indiana last weekend & took with her some cassette tapes on religious topics. I was inspired with this program I heard today and took a chance these tapes and material might help & I ordered the tapes of this program about SA I heard on the radio. I have hopes that maybe she is willing or have more of an open mind at least & will listen to these & come to a conclusion for herself that she has these issues ?? I know this would be a strecth! Should I adress this "look - SA- thing now, or, should I keep my mouth shut & what for the tapes to see if she changes her attitude & listens to these. Understand that many times even if I suggest she take an umbrella out because of the forecast, she gets defensive like I am trying to control her --?? <p>Just had to vent, thanks for your patience! Do I have any rights here? As usual with me, any suggested dialogue would be appreciated!
Peace be with you!
HH<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Not a flame and not condoning your wife behavior, but you seem really uptight. Women like to wear sex lingerie, sexy bathing suits...the fact that you are analyzing the material (ie- 75% Nylon) is a little disturbing. I think you are listening to to many radio shows. Perhaps you should turn the radio off and tune into your wife, matbe she is not a sex addict at all, maybe she just wants to be with a man can get a little losse and is not afraid of "erotic" thoughts and behavios; which by the way are perfectly healthy. This of course is jmho, and I am a woman who buys small tops at the gap for my d cup cheast so maybe I am being a little bias.

Hey HH,<p>Just super quick cuz I'm crunched for time ... I order/buy lots from VS, but not only intimate apparel, also clothing ... jeans, shorts, tops, shoes ... etc. <p>The garment you described sounds, well ... sounds bondage-like, No? Or did I read it wrong?<p>That I know of, VS doesn't sell that type of stuff, at least I've never seen it in their catalogue.<p>Jo

HH, perhaps see if you can find the item online from the VS website.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by serena24:
<strong> ... maybe she just wants to be with a man can get a little losse and is not afraid of "erotic" thoughts and behavios; which by the way are perfectly healthy. </strong><hr></blockquote>

Thanks for input! I hope you are right & that she is still not looking for outside, extra curricular stuff! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
I mentioned the spandex thing so you might get the picture that this is intended to be "tight"
I am definateley not healed yet & was hoping my DW might help me out here, & perhaps comply with my desire to keep our lust or erticia behind "our" closed doors, but I know I can't expect that -- she knows I am being a prude about this stuff right now, so I cannot assume that she got this to wear when her & I go out -- I really am sick & tired of all the gaulking and head turning, frankly. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Not when she typically gives me very little if any REAL assuranceS that I AM HER MAN!<p>Yea, I can get into eratic stuff -- I hate to get into a pity party here, (I don't believe you know my whole story) but her & I were physically active twice a day (during the her A's)and we had different toys and such -- it has been a shock to my system when I found many of our toys & oils and a candle I had gotten her for her birthday two months ealrier, in her little bag on D/D -- in her confession she spoke of one day of her being with one of these guys in the AM, the other in the afternoon and again that was when her & I were active twice a day. She also spoke about how I was the hottest to her after she had been with one of them. Before I knew, but during this time, she had suggested to me inviting another guy to join us (& I refused) -- she confessed that she suggested a three way with with them, but one "chicken" out.
I could go on a bit, but maybe you get the picture. I think there can be too much erotic activity - it gets beyond a loving relationship and becomes pure lust -- to me this can be unhealthy!<p>This is the attitude I speak of.<p>Resilent Thanks for checking in!
The bra has a mental clip kind of thing as the conecting thing in back, otherwise there is no other metal. VS? Unless it is a look alike -- the paper, price tag is oblong shaped and the silk kind of label is also pink & reads "Victory Secret"<p>The bra, top if you will, is padded and cut in front, low and comes down to the bottom strap in front, so it creates some clevage! <p>If I knew this was for my eyes only, (and maybe it is??!) it is quite the sexy thing!! It could be a big turn on! She is one hot babe!! There is no dening that!! I am just not buying into this "Community Property" idea!<p>Thanks for your feedback!
HH<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

The outfit you describe IS a swimsuit. The skirt is meant as a coverup of sorts. They are very fashionable right now.<p>I do agree with serena that you should ease up some and accept that your W likes to feel and look sexy. Maybe this was what attracted you to her?<p>Victoria's Secret sells lots of things, some of which are sexy and some just regular old clothes. Don't assume that because it carries the VS tag that it means sex. <p>Why not ask her to model this new suit for you? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by TinyDancer:
<strong>.. The skirt is meant as a coverup of sorts. They are very fashionable right now.
...
Why not ask her to model this new suit for you? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>I should have known, the fashion queen that she is!<p>Like I said, she is a babe -- You make a good point about her attraction to me (31+ years ago) was definately physical -- she was a babe then as well!!
Honestly though, it's it somewhat natural for a gal to tone it down a bit or have some modesty after they are married? I know I am opening a big oportunity to get blasted here -- [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
But honestly, I know that if I go into particular bars where the majority of people are young singles, I would expect to see a lot of the gals dressed the way my DW dresses. I can also expect some lively conversation and extreme flirting. Sometimes the gals and guys even go out to parking lot or get a room (not always I know!) I understand that this is part of the dating game --boy neet girl kind of charge, if you will & that is imprtant to maintain in a marital relationship. I also see where newly divorced people make a cange in their look -- they are in the "market" to meet someone new.
Do you honestly think the same ratio of happily married women dress in this fashion, compared to the young single types??? I need some feedback -- perhaps I am living in the ice age here?
Remeber I grew up in the sixties -- I understand the sexual revolution -- I was just thinking that married women with a strong desire for a monagomous relationship would not put as much empahasis on this "Sexy Look" --- particurliy if they had a pretty lustful, explicit, causal sex history with A's and all & the H was a little gun shy about the intentions and that the woman was fully aware of his feelings on this & her dressing this way was focused on activities w/o her H! Remeber, I am not usually a part of her pool party!! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

I realy don't see myself as an Archy Bunker type here, but please help me -- I do want to live in the 21st century!
Peace, [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

Is it possible that she's going through some sort of mid-life crisis? One more shot at being admired for her beauty before it all comes sagging down thanks to age and gravity?<p>I take it this is not something she has done for your entire marriage. Yes, I as a married woman have toned it down, and for those of you who think Hurrian is uptight, heaven forbid you meet my WH!!!! On a regular button up shirt, he has a fit if the first button (not the one on the collar) is unbuttoned!!! He'll button it for me before I go to work if I leave it undone!!! And what's a two piece? My H would have a stroke if I walked out to swim in a 2 piece!! And what are mini skirts for? Never had one on myself. It's been knee length dresses, no shorter than mid-thigh shorts, jeans, (he will let me wear tight jeans), and correctly fitting shirts for me. Only a few smalls and I'm nowhere near a DD. Try 34B. And I'm about your wife's size, 5/5, 130lbs. <p>I did wear a shirt that met right below the top of my jeans to work the other day and believe it or not he didn't say anything. I'm thinking it's because since his A, he doesn't feel he has room to make any demands. When I wiggled much, some of my belly would show. I got compliments from the guys at work, and I guess they helped my self-esteem, but it is certainly not something I plan to start doing on a regular basis. To be quite honest I find men (and women) much better compadres when there's not a lot of sexual tension in the air. I'll save the sexual tension for H! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I'll have to go against the grain here and agree with you HH! If my partner was dressing that seductively, and insisting that I not go out with him, I would be quite bothered and suspicious. Okay - I'd be very suspicious and jealous.<p>From the other side of the coin, I recently lost a great deal of weight after being obese all of my life. I was very interested in dressing in sexy clothes for my husband, but also to get validation from other men as to my attractiveness. I never had any interest in being with the other men, but I did like the attention and compliments. Even so, I never went out alone dressed in my "slut-wear", only with my husband (who at one point claimed he got involved in his OEA because he was afraid of losing me). Anyways....

Hurrian Hoosier,
The facts:
your wife had multiple A's
your wife shows no remorse for A's
your wife does not "care" what you think/how you feel.
your wife has not changed her behaviors since A.<p>your wife MAY NEVER CHANGE<p>this marriage is not just about your wife and what she wants. YOU have needs and desires too and what you think DOES matter!<p>I'm not sure what your waiting for...another fullblown A? What will you do with another Dday?
Where you suspicious before A? and you had a reason to be. <p>What is she doing consistantly to show you she is committed to recovering your marriage and the damage she has done? <p>I see a LOT of you closing your eyes. You want your wife to change and you want your marriage.<p>The serenity prayer:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change
the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.<p>YOU can't change her. BUT you can change you. You do not HAVE to be in a relationship where your needs are not getting met. What makes you want to stay? That is the real question. I think it is you have a "vision" of what it can be like. BUT what IF that vision NEVER happens?<p>The issues are not what she wears or whether it was from Victory Secret or not. The issues are your W had an A - you are willing to do whatever it takes to recover BUT YOUR WIFE ISN'T willing! You are compromising your morals, your sanity, your self esteem, your very soul.. for what? a pretty woman you call your wife that is not willing to accept responsiblity and enter into marriage recovery with you. <p>Your feelings are God given warning signs to let you know something is wrong. LISTEN TO THEM!<p>You haven't been calling her and she rejects you joining her??!! in a happy healthy committed relationship PEOPLE WANT TO SPEND TIME TOGETHER!<p>Okay my point? what happened in your very brief Plan B? You've been in Plan A for 2+ years? IF what your doing isn't working, try something different. <p>Hurrian Hoosier,
I truly am sorry for your pain. I just get real passionate about stuff. AND I read replys to your post and they don't HEAR you OR have heard it for the very first time. AND I can't just sit back and tell you: don't worry, its all you. no, I won't do that. What I will tell you is WORRY, IT IS NOT YOU!

HH I didn't mean to imply that you are from the ice age lol. I did just check your age and your W's and I can understand how a woman of 49 dressing in tight and tiny clothing could be disturbing to her spouse. <p>As far as changing after marriage, I believe the old adage of what you see is what you get [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] My H doesn't especially like some of the clothing and swimsuits that I wear either and I always tell him that "this is how I dressed when you met me and married me". And by the way, I'm only a bit younger than your W.<p>I'm not a psychologist or any other type of counselor but it sounds as if your W possibly has some deeper issues with herself image. This is just a guess. Was she ever abused as a child or anything of that sort? Has she ever tried counseling and if not, do you think she would be open to it? What does she say when you comment on her wardrobe? <p>Maybe the answers to these questions will give you some insight.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by jamup:
[QB]Is it possible that she's going through some sort of mid-life crisis? <hr></blockquote>
Yeah & Premenapause as well [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It'snot just the the way she dresses, but of course her history & lack of recovery efforts -- [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I have to make a stink for her to show me kindness for a while at least. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>...but also to get validation from other men as to my attractiveness. I never had any interest in being with the other men, but I did like the attention and compliments. <hr></blockquote>
KS, <p>Thanks for your empathy! As I have said & as you will get the gist from others that are familar with my story, she is a piece of work! She has tried to explain parts of the feedback you described -- she has also confessed to being obcessed with the construction, truck driving kind of guys and she has said that she really appreciates the attention -- at one point during the A's she saw these guys working in a nearby neighborhood when with me. When we got home, I had to go somewhere, or she suggested I go play golf or something (?) but she jumped into her car and drove over to talk with them and made a date with one of them. Then she tells me that these guys were preditors and she was a victim?! Right! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
She may not have these obcessions as such, but I don't know that -- I don't think she will tell me if she does.
TinyDancer
I was not in the least put off by your comments! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] I apprecaite your candid thoughts, thanks!
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> The facts:
your wife had multiple A's
your wife shows no remorse for A's
your wife does not "care" what you think/how you feel.
your wife has not changed her behaviors since A.
your wife MAY NEVER CHANGE<p>this marriage is not just about your wife and what she wants. YOU have needs and desires too and what you think DOES matter! <hr></blockquote><p>I LuvNprotect ME <p>Wew! "You have searched me & you know me!"<p>I was describing myself to a friend that I am just a big teddy bear about this stuff -- the friend told me I need to become a grissley!
Thanks so much for your understanding and of cousre for you frankness -- [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
You are a friend! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Thanks!
I will keep you in my prayers!
HH<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: Hurrian Hoosier ]</p>

<small>[ February 06, 2005, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

HH,
I have avoided replying to this one because I just don't know what else to say! I have followed your story and honestly don't know how you have been able to stick with it!<p>As you know:
She is looking for the wrong kind of attention.
She does not show remorse for her A's.
She does not respect your feelings about her "look".
She is not willing to make a promise to you for future faithfulness.
etc. etc. etc. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>I really feel for you. I know that you are commited to this relationship, but you are going to have to continue to live with her the way she is. As long as she does not want to change, she is not going to.<p>Continued prayers to you, Ladysing [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

This crazy computer, if you have to resign in, it takes you to a different thread than the one you were in!!! Sorry didn't mean to post here this time. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 07, 2002: Message edited by: jamup ]</p>

Lady, thanks for the validation of what I feel. I guess I am a chicken or need virtually everyone to see it this way?!
***
DW’s inaugural trip to pool with new bikini – I don’t believe she knows I know about her new bikini – I have asked about recent VS purchases & she did not mention this cute little number. I talked about how she sometimes seems to dance around my questions. She had it hanging on the back door knob of her closet, still damp. Usually she makes a big deal about hanging wet stuff in the shower – She would not purpose deceive me a little, do you think? <p> Warning – long & some graphic, explicit language! <p>I was surprised. She normally does not work on Friday’s but yesterday she worked, her normal hours 9 to 4. I had an appointment & got home around 7:00 She has been having intestinal pains and slight head ache and she was in bed in pain & suffering mode. I had noticed her beach towel in her car, so I asked about that & SHE TOLD ME SHE WENT TO THE POOL FROM 4:30 TO 5:30. You see based on how she likes it, we have nothing close to any kind of open & honesty policy in terms of daily activity. She will typically tell me very little about her day. I need to ask & then it sometimes gets tense if I ask too many questions as she will accuse me of grilling her. You see that although she has never follow up on any recovery suggestions from here, counseling or books, it is her position that the A’s are now officially in the past & are to be forgotten.<p>I can see her strategy for recovery has worked quit well for her. She has not had to face very much scrutiny as to the why’s of the A’s nor modified any of her ways of thinking about our relationship. Life goes on as before for the most part. <p>I can see how my best friend’s tolerance for my continued insecurities is wearing thin as well. In discussing this bikini thing with my best friend, he suggests, like many here, that I have to give it up – His point was that regardless of my DW’s history, I cannot keep dragging that into the equation. He definitely recognizes that my DW is in this phase –MLC thing -- He does not buy into the theory of Sexaholic – again, like many here. Although he agrees that her dress and “way” is many times provacative and flirtatious and that she is in an “erotic zone” of sorts. He suggests that I ride it out ( if I have chosen to stay with her, which seems obvious) – it’s just a phase. I am not totally buying the “It’s just a phase” thing completely. I know that the MLC is a part of it, no doubt, but I believe it is a lot more.<p>She continually throws up examples from things about her friends – as an example, like someone else here said, she has commented that some of her friends have noticed they don’t get the “looks” they used to & they miss that. When she confessed to checking out the young guys in pick up trucks and driving to adjacent neighborhood to talk with these two and setting up a date with one as a result; she more or less rationalized that her girl friends have talked about noticing studly guys & “checking them out” as well … wanting me to think some of this is natural …HMMM – could there be a distinction here as to how far one may carry this?! I don’t honestly think her friends have done the things she has and for sure if they did, they’re H’s know about it! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You’ve heard the routine about “You may be a Redneck, If … I don’t want to be accusatory here but here is a brief review of some of my DW’s history in that context.<p>&#61656; If you have sex with a stranger (forget the fact that you’re married!) … you might be a sexaholic.
&#61656; If you have sex with your new friend’s, friend in only after a 5 minute (and no more!!) introduction/ “come on” & you invite him into your “home” for sex … you may be a sexaholic.
&#61656; If you have “unprotected” sex with a stranger (a little risk!) … you just might be a sexaholic.
&#61656; If you have sex with three different people (guys in this case) in one day (even if one is your H!) … you just might be a sexaholic.
&#61656; If you continue a relationship with the two strangers, just for the sex and excitement (she said she had absolutely nothing in common with them as an example), while continuing high S activity with your H … you just might be a sexaholic.
&#61656; If you continue with the married stranger even after being asked to back off by his wife …
&#61656; When you entertain these guys in your home in the summer with virtually all the retired and school teacher neighbors home (Some Risk here) … <p>&#61656; When you have what many would consider deviant sex (entry point never done with H) supposed because that was the only way the guy could get off … you may be …<p>&#61656; What if after a brief separation from H (me!) and the weekend after she was out dancing at a bar with her sexy young divorced cousin & was staying the night at cousins (who by the way, has been with around 14 different guys in last 10 years – not bad when over that time she had committed relationship, albeit loosely defined, at least on her part, with three guys which did not create much of a gap where she was officially by herself. She has seldom had her own place over this period of time. She could be a sex ….HMMM --- Can’t say for sure of course! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] You find a six pack of condoms in your DW’s glove compartment … She might be ….<p>&#61656; When you perform oral on your H in an indoor movie theater … you may be a ...<p>Now when this person accepts no responsibility for these things and claims she was a victim and has not been in any type of recovery program, would most reasonable people assume that we have some risk or reoccurrence here??!! Her point & a point she has mentioned that her boss has said is that because she has not acted out (at least as in above examples), that she does not have a problem. She has not had any revolutionary religious or spiritual awaking & in this “denial” state, I don’t think she is just all of a suddenly“ healed!”<p>She has had counseling – according to her, he does not think she has this problem. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now I’m no expert, but what if we take a wild stab or perhaps a leap and suggest that maybe, just maybe, she might have a problem here. If this is in fact even a “potential” problem, would you not agree it would be prudent as a general course of action that she not tempt fate and take a concerted effort at adopting a modest or even conservative approach to how she dresses & the places she hangs out, ECT. – Have some accountability?? Don’t you think if she were in some kind of recovery, there might be some guidelines here! I would think you would want to reduce potential temptations, not continually “Test Them!” ?? What do you think?! <p>Another explanation as to how she got started with the first guy was that although plenty of guys had “flirted with her in the past” none had been so direct. This was when she explained she “just could not resist temptation.” This was supposed to mean I assume that most guys will not be as forward with her & so, therefore I should not worry. Again, I guess we are forget about her confirmed “A” of twenty years ago & numerous other suspect activities or erotic nature even if not actual SEX??! I don’t think so!. I think we have to consider the history, don’t you agree? How do I keep that in the formula without it being a LB? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Another important premise that she would like for me to believe as a part of why I should not be concerned with this young, sexy, erotic Look (OK, my opinion, here as she will profess “fashion”), that kind of goes along with my earlier point, is that she has nothing to do with any sexual erotic notions or charges other guys may get when seeing her – She is totally innocent & would not think of trying to send an erotic message out in hopes of gaining some attention back, …which will give her some chemical, hormonal charge – a “high” in sense; No, not her! Forget the past, that is not important! We are going to pretend that we are starting from scratch. Like of course this is comes with complete trust, because we are ignoring the past, so we don’t have any reason to wonder about any suspicious activities or potentially dangerous motives. RIGHT!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] That just would not be fair! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] She would have that it is important that we act as if she was a young fairy maiden, as pure as wind blown snow!! Yes, this is the way she wants me to think & she makes subtle comments all the time in and around this theme & about me being paranoid, controlling & unnecessarily jealous, blah, blah.<p>Thanks for your patience with such a vent! I do feel better now!<p>I do appreciate your feedback & comments!<p>Peace,
HH

Hate to say it but she sounds an awful lot like my Hs OW. His OW is 43, DD etc. Not much advice here, but his OW has immediately moved on to greener pastures. No pining for him on her part. After all, any attractive man will serve her purpose!!

HH,
I commented on this on the other board.
She is driving me crazy and I don't even know her... [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>To answer your question: "Do you think she would deceive me?" I think we ALL know the answer... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

hanora
You are right - this is my illness - obcession - soemtimes it accumulates & I have to jump on it - I don't feel I can always just ignore.
Jamup
Kind of scarry thought about what a wide range of potential partners -- big joke for many men - suitibililoty "if they fog up a mirror" (breathing) - not so funy if your partner is perpatrator and it happens to you! A woman with this kind of appatite I believe, is just the same -- doesn't matter all that much -- if they are functional, it will work -- [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
**
Update -- could not help it!<p>I am getting the impression that most agree that I have some justification for some concern. I believe from my DW’s perspective, as long as she is or has not been engaged in any physical encounters, and regardless of her history (because from her point of view, we are to forget that!) she should not be concerned with any kind of restrictions in terms of how she dresses, with whom she talks or any accountability of her time to me. Further, she feels no need to share with me clothing purchases she makes or much of anything about her daily activities for that matter - I learn on a "need to know" basis. <p>She busts my bricks all the time for taking extra money when I get lunches at the grocery. I mention to her that she reviews and comments about all of my spending, but that I don’t have same rights or privileges with her. She said I can look in the Check book. I said that I noticed VS stuff (have not mentioned new, black Bikini yet!), but don’t see anything there. She said that she puts that on her VS card. I said I thought with our payoff agreement with the consumer credit people we were not supposed to charge anymore. She tells me that her “Limited” card & “VS” had zero balances at the time, so those were exempt. HMMMM<p>She told me she had just bought a Bra and these clear bra straps – these have been laying out & are described as: “Clearly Sexy Bra Straps” – under the bold headline of “Bare Attitude.”… “They disappear under sheer or revealing necklines, to be used with bras with detachable straps.” This will o doubt enhance her “Barbie Doll” look when she wears the “string strap” tank tops – another limit I tried to establish for when she took dog on long walks & went to the store or where-ever. I made suggestions as to my uneasy feeling, but never a bottom line demand as such. I am certain she knows my feelings about this type of garment – I mean can it be that much more uncomfortable or unbearably hot to wear a sleeveless shirt or even a regular tank top??? I am not suggesting that she wear long flannel!! Now maybe the bikini was purchased months ago & therefore not subject to her accounting with me on this topic. ?? <p>We made another joint trip to pool Yesterday. She spared me the anxiety of her wearing a bikini – she had on her one from last year, but changed into a one piece one before we left. This time when I tried to have some conversation she was plugging in her ear jacks for the radio. She said, “sorry, this is what I do when I come to the pool.” OK! When I went in for a swim she did come to the side and we spoke. Then a little latter she had some choice comments – I needed to tan & I had gained back some weight I had lost before & when I was walking to the restroom I was taking baby steps like it hurt to walk – I assured her it did not hurt – she said it just looked like I was an “old man.” I had had as much fun as I could stand & I walked home – not that far & I had talked that I might do that for exercise anyway – she returned home an hour and a half latter. I was not stressed – although she is sexy & shapely in one piece, just doesn’t create as much anxiety for me as the bikini’s ?? -<p>Interesting arrangement with friends teenage girl. When we were at her bosses daughter’s wedding, one of her coworkers has a teenage daughter – cute, shapely Sophomore in HS. My DW joined them last summer at this public pool close to where they live. This pool I have mentioned us going to is in our new neighborhood – condo association thing. My DW tells me later that this gal’s daughter & her talked & that the daughter is going to be coming over to go to the pool with my DW this summer. She lives about 10 or 12 miles away, so I am not sure of the specifics here – Not exactly convenient. Of course in my paranoid state, I wonder about my DW’s motives here – It would certainly be an opportunity for her to get to know some teenage boys as I am sure with the teenage hormone thing there is a good chance of some innocent boy meet girl things going on – she gets to know the boys getting to know the cute teen girl. Of course this would be way too much of a stretch for me to logically voice any concern – I mean I would be a total loser then!! So insecure and all!! I mean I don’t believe my DW has been with a teenager yet, so I cannot say that this little sexual, erotic tension would be dangerous, right? Sorry, it crossed my mind!! I just do not know my DW’s limits here??!! Some suggested last summer that people in my DW’s condition are in prison, just because they wanted some extra attention. ?? [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>When my DW returned from the pool yesterday she was in a depressed state, saying that she was an “OLD Woman!” I wondered, was she not getting the attention she expected? – look out next time!! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] I could not talk to her & I tried to cuddle and give assurance & SHE PUSHED ME AWAY – IT WAS A PLAYBACK TO FIRST 29 YEARS OF OUR MARRIAGE! <p>Do I gather that most of you feel with her history and some of these events and all that perhaps I should not worry about LB’s as such?! <p>You are absolutely right, one of my major problems is that for some reason I have an addiction to my DW. This is why I go to my support group – S-anaon. <p>I just checked her VS account -- on May 15th she spent $76.00 on "Unlined bra, lined bra & dressy panties" -?? could these double as swim wear and what I found ? On May 25 she spent $12 on "inner wear" are these stockings?? Should I mention these? She undoubtedly get pissed, like I am snooping. What do you think? Should I call her on this or do I pretend I don't know? Should I be concerned with LB's? Any suggested dialogue is welcome!
I can see why she gets upset when I get
an extra $10.00 - eats into her thing!!
Thanks for your insights! [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
HH

Just letting you know I'm reading and thinking and praying for ya...<p>It seems like your wife is just dreading getting older and fighting it instead of enjoying it and enjoying the fact that you, her H of all these years is hopelessly devoted and addicted to her. I would give anything for my H to speak of me being a "hot babe" when I turn 50 the way you do about your wife. What a dream!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I think that would be such a blessing. She still seems so very ungrateful to me. She's got it all and doesn't seem to realize it? A hot bod at 50 and a husband who adores her?!? What more does a wife need??? I don't know, maybe I'm just easy to please????<p>Because it WOULD make such a difference if you KNEW she bought those frilly and sexy clothes to please you and for your eyes only. It WOULD make such a difference to you if you knew that she was going out of her way to please YOU instead of just trying to make herSELF feel better about aging. It WOULD make such a difference if you KNEW that she was interested in pleasing only you and not herSELF through receiving admiration from other men. It WOULD make a difference to you if you truly felt that she wanted you and was interested in your needs and if she really made an effort to affectionize you... *sigh*<p>Of course, there are always two sides of the story. Hurrian, I wish your wife would come here and post and tell us the whole truth about this relationship. Just kidding you! Hang in there, my friend...