Well…I am one of the dumb ones that did go out an have an affair….two one nights stands. Just a little on my background…I found out my wife was having an EA back in March. She told me she would stop the A. About a month later I found out she was still seeing him, and now the A had become physical. So, not only did she have an A, she didn’t actually sleep with the guy until after I found out about the A. Pretty crappy deal really.
Well…since all of that we have been separated, and speak very little. She has been in an unknown state for a couple of months, and wasn’t sure if she wanted to repair our marriage or not. Finally I sent her a letter and told her we need to get something moving, either start healing our marriage or start the process for ending it. I could not take sitting in limbo land any longer. I told her that if she continued to be in limbo, not knowing if she wants to end it or fix it…that I would leave her there, file a legal separation…and begin to date. That one statement seemed to have got her moving. We started communicating more through email, and started to talk about seeing each other a few times a week, and going to CC. Well….why all the communications are taking place with my W, I am also in contact with her friends and they feed me information. I guess my “dating” comment got to her and she came back with “dating…? Who does he have to date?”. Well…that statement just went right through me. Throughout our entire marriage my W was always making comments about she wishes I would get a girlfriend, just so I would leave her alone. She made several statements, that “if I could find someone…go for it.” She was very good at making me feel very insecure with myself, and I often wondered if I could find someone else…especially since the discovery of her A. While we are communicating over email, she asked me what I needed to see from her that shows she is making changes. I told her one of the most important things, is she starts to put our marriage a the number 1 priority in life. To me that means putting our communication process at the top. I thought she should be making an effort to communicate. Well…it would take her sometimes three days to respond to my emails concerning our marriage. Now, I know she does have limited use to computers, however she was emailing the OM three times a day sometimes. I feel like that if she can find time to send him three emails a day, she could have found the time sometime within her day to reply to mine. So, from where I was sitting she was clearly not putting our marriage at any sort of priority. While, at the same time she is not putting our marriage at the correct place, she is making degrading remarks about me to her friends. Also, throughout our email communications the past few weeks, we talked about how we feel for each other. I shared that I love her, and I always will. She told me that she doesn’t love me and that she doesn’t think she did when we got married. OK…so I know have all of that going through my mind…my W had an affair, she never loved me, she has no feelings for me, she doesn’t think I could find someone else, she is not interested in fixing our marriage. After I discovered my W’s A I started reading all the marriage books, and self help books and so forth. I have never been a person to really be in touch with my feelings much, which I know contributed to the failure in my marriage. But while it helped me understand why my marriage failed, it also helped me understand my needs. Once I started to understand my needs, I started to realize how long it has been since I had any shred of those ful-filled. So here I am…all the things I am thinking and feeling about my wife, and I am now in tune with my needs and how long it has been since I had any of them full-filled. Well…I kind of started to become very resentful about all of that. I started going out a couple times a week…and having an absolute blast. I was getting attention from women…something I have not experienced in a long time. I got more attention from women the past month then I did from my wife the past two years. It was feeling really good. I guess I was getting my emotional needs meant. Well…for a while it was nothing more than flirting. I never really pursued anything…even though I thought I probably could. I kept going out, and kept having a good time. Every time I would go out and get some shred of fulfillment I would be on a high. Well…one night it became to great of a temptation. I was upset with my wife, for not only her A but for the crappy comments she made to me through-out our marriage, the things she said to her friends, and then not putting our marriage rebuilding process at a priority. I even shared with her several times that I was having temptations to have an A of my own, and that I didn’t like what I was feeling. She, just like our entire marriage provided zero support and asked why I would tell her something like that. One night all of that was just too much to take…I went home with a girl and had a one-night stand. Boy…was I on a high the next day…it felt so good to know that there is someone out there who found me attractive and wanted me. It felt so good to be wanted. Well…the next weekend came along, and this time I almost had this woman throw herself at me, and she was very attractive. Remembering how great it felt the last time…I couldn’t wait to feel wanted and needed again. I again had a one-night stand.
The first couple session I went to with my wife (about a week later, monday of this week) I fessed up that I had been out fouling around. She was not happy, and she was clearly upset. This is the part that really confuses me…she asked how I could I, after I have read all the books, and such and now that I know how painful an affair can be, turn around and inflict the same pain back on her. Well…to be honest I really didn’t think it would hurt her. She told me time after time, that she didn’t love me and that she had no feelings for me. So…how can she be hurt if she truly had no feelings for me? What sucks now, is I am not any of a better of a person than her and the OM. I am scum just like them. I know I made a mistake and I am sorry. However, the stance I am taking now, is that if she decides to leave now that I did the same thing she did (even though mine was only one night…not 5 months) then I will know that if the situation was 100% reversed and I was the one who was discovered having an affair of 5 months…that she would not have stood strong for our marriage like I have been trying very hard to do. However, if she does decide to stay and work on our marriage, it will be a choice on both of our parts and no one will staying because of a guilty conscience. We both have an open window for leaving. I am going to continue the stance I have taken for our marriage since I first found out about her A, and that is that I want to make our marriage work. I have issues to get over with her falling in love with another Man while married to me, and she has issues to get over with me sleeping with two other women. I really wish none of this would have happened to us, however, I know God does things for a reason and regardless if we stay together…I will be a better person someday and I will be a great husband to a great wife someday.<p>We talked last night. She was upset a little. I asked her if our marriage is in recovery or what? Earlier this week we talked about going to lunch tomorrow. As I ended the call I told her I would call her Friday morning and see if we are still going to lunch. She replied "what do you mean IF we are still going to lunch". I said "well...you said you didn't know if our marriage was in recovery so I didn't know if you still wanted to go to lunch". She said "yes, I want to go, I want to get something started".
