Hi - I am new to this board. My story goes like this. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. He is 37 and I believe he is going through a mid-life crisis. It has been brewing for about 2 years but last September he left us. Said that he still loved me but he was confused. He would come and go so he could see the kids. It didn't last long, one month and he was home again. Then in November the same thing...said he was confused. This time he was so withdrawn from us. I really thought we had lost him forever. He was into porn and going out to bars and younger women. He said he never had a sexual affair but he did spend time with a certain female friend. This lasted for about 6 weeks and then right before Christmas home again. I really thought he had changed. Life was good until April. Then he started acting withdrawn again. He keeps saying he is just so confused. He stays out late, drinks, etc. Now he says he wants to be at home again. Wants to be a better husband and father.<p>The problem is he just doesn't act like this is what he wants. I feel like he is hiding some thing and I don't know what it is. I don't think he is being honest and there is no communication. I don't know what to do. I am trying with all my might to make my marriage work. I have 3 children who deserve a happy family life with a mother and a father. I just don't want to live a lie. I don't know if I should just try and love him and hope that he snaps out of this and starts talking or if I should tell him unless he can tell the truth then we have no future. I am so confused. I want to do the right thing, but I also do not want to be used and walked all over. <p>Can someone please tell me what they think??? I really need advice from people who have tried or are trying to save their marriage!<p>Thank you! [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

confusedinNY,
I want to bump this up and get you some support. There are many here that can readily identify with your situation.
I am the WH in our M. It has been a tough 3+ yrs for us. We just had our 25th anniversary.
I believe that the answer to your questions are solved by finding what you can tolerate and for how long. Trust, honesty and communication are pretty pivitol to any healthy M or relationship. My W has done more to keep our M going than most and she expects the same things that you do.
I would hope that your H would get involved in reading, listening and learning WITH you and maybe the confusion will work itself out in time. It takes time. That will be your call.....how much time and whether he participates. He has nothing to lose by getting involved and both of you will learn more about yourselves and each other.
Brw [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

confusedinNY,<p>Can't really give you much advice other then to read all the info you can here.<p>My WH is having a midlife crisis and an EA and turned 40 all at the same time.<p>Love and patience is what I have done, I try to look at the situation as he is ill and needs love and support. Don't think this worked for me as I am waiting for the divorce papers to arrive!! Did I fail NO!! I did not, because of MB I am a healthier, stonger, more relaxed person. The marriage was not saved, but I am ok!!<p>I did find a link to this site on MLC's and it helped me a great deal and I will pass it on to you, I will hope that you get some use from it.<p>http://128.121.203.65/hismidlifecrisis.html<p>Keep reading!!<p>Dawn [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

CinNY,<p>Hi, you've found a great place to learn, learn, learn... If you haven't already, check out the links at the top of the page... Concepts, Q&A, Bookstore, etc.<p>I'm not much of an expert as it relates to MLC... I defer to others on that topic.<p>As for affairs... sounds like your H may have had his share, possibly... the behaviors you've described sound fairly typical for wayward spouses. Since he seems to fade in and out of "the fog" (as we like to call the WS distorted emotional state), it may or may not pertain to a single OW... possibly multiple A's??<p>In any case, zero, one or many - there's obviously a problem he's not willing to address in its rawest form.<p>Something like counseling might be very helpful. Sadly, many WS's reject it, especially when they think they're being told they're somehow "defective". Often times, counseling is something that is considered once a problem is acknowledged.<p>There may be gentle ways to open some lines of communication... it's something that can be tried using experimentation... find out what seems to work, and obviously avoid what doesn't. That might sound obvious, but it's easy to slip into old habits - and it's those old patterns of behavior that will enable him to continue on his current path.<p>I'm sure others will have more to add...<p>[ June 06, 2002: Message edited by: J.R. ]</p>

Bars....alcohol....single women...not a good thing. Do you want a life with him when that is what he is interested in doing? Just wondering. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]