I've been giving something a lot of thought, and it's kinda scaring me. I don't know if I want to save my marriage for the right reasons, or if I'm just scared of being alone and being a "failure" at marriage and a single parent.<p>A friend who knows we're having problems (but doesn't know about the A) asked me what I like to do to make me feel better about me. Y'know what...I don't know. I don't know who I am and what I like/want. I've been living to please him and everyone else for so long that I don't know a thing about what makes me happy. <p>We got married when I was 18, have been married almost 12 years, dated 2 years before that. Have a 5 year old D. He and the M have been my life...I've never thought about wanting something different than what he wants.<p>I love my H, I'm not saying that I don't. I'm just really a little confused about why I'm trying to fix this.

Okay...that post sounded entirely too negative. I guess I'm just wondering how my M will be if I do save it. I have realized that I need to make myself happy, not just my H and D. That will mean a lot of changes in the relationship. It's going to be hard whether our M works out or not...I wasn't prepared for that realization...<p>I really want to save my M. That's why I'm here...any thoughts from anyone who's been here before?

Hi, Dani:<p>I've been in and out of that state of confusion many times over the last 11 years...who am I? (besides wife/mom), what do I really want?, why do I want it?...etc. <p>I've asked myself many times why was I trying to save my marriage if I'm not sure it's what I want. The answer to that one was simply that it was and is the right thing to do. It sure hasn't been easy, tho. I've had to realize - and then convince my husband - that we can't simply go back to the marriage we had before each D-Day. Obviously there was something wrong with it or there wouldn't have BEEN D-Days to begin with. We had to start building a brand new relationship with each other...yes, it's a little different from the old one, but that's not a bad thing. <p>My H and I are actually kind of excited about what's in store for us now. We're very close - best friends - and that's a good place to be. It hasn't been easy for me to get to that place, tho. My H has been very patient with me, and that has helped tremendously.<p>Sounds like you and your FWH are healing well... you just don't want to feel like a chump again. I certainly understand that! Once you make the decision that you ARE going to re-build the marriage regardless of how you feel at any given time, you can start moving into the "reconstruction" phase. Those doubts and insecurities will still be there for quite some time; it's just best to try to switch those thoughts to the positive things. <p>It'll get easier...just be patient with yourself.<p>Best of luck.<p>at peace (Lori)<p>[ June 07, 2002: Message edited by: at peace ]</p>

atpeace--Thanks for the reply. It helps just to know that other people have made it through this. Sometimes, I wonder if I can make it through. Obviously, the answer is yes. I have to. I can't disappear, nor would I really want to. Anyway, thanks for the help :-)