Hello All,<p>I'm new here, just today actually. Been married 19 years and have 18 year old twins. I have a question I havent seen asked yet. I'll give you a brief history as to why I'm here then I'll ask my question.<p>Six weeks ago my W told me she had been having an affair and that it had been going on for a few months. She told me she loves me...blah...blah, sorry she hurt me...blah...blah, hopes at some point in my life when "I" get over it we can still be friends...blah...blah. She asked me to leave the home and I did. I wasn't sure what else I was supposed to do. Six weeks no contact so far.<p>Three weeks prior to learning of the affair my wife had asked me on three occasions to leave because she wanted a separation, but no reason was given. She told me there was no need to tell me why, she just wanted me out. I was reluctant to go. Only because I was facing a large lay-off in work at the begining of May.<p>My kids know both sides of the story as do my family and hers. She has told them all I left because we weren't getting along. I told them what she told me.<p>For the last year, maybe a little longer, she has been hanging around with a new friend from work. This female friend over the last year has had an affair on her H and forced him out. I heard every detail from my W, and from her friend. I even had the chance to meet the OM in her friends life.<p>My W and I discussed this alone and agreed that this was not a very good way to carry on in a marrage.<p>When my wife told me of her own affair the same words came back from the details of her friends affair. Almost as if it had been scripted.<p>Now my questions:<p>Is it possible that my W somehow became infatuated with the idea of her friends affair and the stories that went along with it? Could this friend have convinced her that life is so much better without the responcibilites of a husband or family? And lastly. These two are now inseperable (spelling). They work together, hang out together, and spend the rest of the away time on the phone with each other. Can this friend of hers have this much power over her life and decisions?<p>Regards,
N61

As the old saying goes, when in Rome act as the Romans. It was easy for your wife to get approval from this friend and also had some one to confide in. When others turn the cheek to something that is not right it is alot easier to continue the uglinest that is going on. Sorry to hear that this happened to you too.

N61,
You bet! I watched 2 neighbors do exactly the same thing. One had an A and it seemed "daring" and "exciting" to the other. They were both involved in the same runners club and both left their husbands as a result of their new "running partners".<p>It certainly makes it easier on your conscience if a good friend can validate the actions.<p>I'm so sorry for your situation. Keep reading here and posting, many have been in your shoes and can offer help. (I have 18 year old twins too!)

Ok then, How would I go about separating the friend and the OM?<p>This seems to be a much larger task then just removing one other person. She has been with her company for 14 years, and this new friend is just over a year. <p>I haven't made any contact only because I very very scared of what she may say again. Some of those words tore out my soul.<p>I know a lot of you are going through similar circumstances and I would appreciate any advice to my next step.<p>Should I be the one to make contact, or should I wait for her?<p>I feel as long as her friend is around she will be coached.<p>How would you handle this situation?

I really don't have a good answer for you, but I would suggest that you go over to the Emotional Needs section and click on the thread titled: New, frustrated, need info and answers?<p>This will be a good start and get you reading the MB principles. Weekends are quiet here, so you should get some help when the work week rolls around.

When build a life plan for avoiding infidelity, a person looks to eliminate situations and people that encourage infidelity. A friend who is such a strong influence would certainly help to encourage a person into infidelity. <p>It seems that in order for marital recovery to start, your wife will have to establish no contact with both OM and her friend.

I am sorry but I must have missed something.
Your wife tells you that she has been having an affair on you and then tells you to leave? Why or why would you leave? If anyone is to leave it should be your wife. I believe you should immediately go back to your home and if she wishes to leave then let her. Even by mutual consent some courts have ruled what you have done as abandonment. Apparently there are no repercussions to her behavior and you just walk away. I think you have made a hugh mistake. You need to go back home to your children. What kind of a message are you giving them? Apparently it is acceptable for a wife to have an affair and then kick out her husband who goes willingly although he has done nothing wrong. Why would your children respect you for this? If your wife wishes to have affairs then she should leave the home and not you. The message you are giving is that you are accepting all of this. You need to go back home now. I wish you luck.

I left because I didn't know what else to do. I did ask her to leave but she told me I was the one who should leave because she didnt want to live with OM or leave the children. She told me she would continue providing for the family as a mother and wife, but that she intended to continue seeing OM.<p>At that point I felt I had no choice. I was angry and hurt. I stayed with a friend for the first three weeks and he helped me find my own apartment.<p>Since then, there has been no contact and I have to say I really don't want any at this point. My daughter told me last week that W plans on filing a restraining order and wants to file for D. Good luck to her. She'll find out she'll need probable cause, unless she plans on perjuring herself.<p>A big part of what is going on in her life with her friend is she has gotten into alcohol and persrciption medications. Paxil, Celexa, Kolopin. From what I've researched these meds should not be mixed with alcohol. I know for a fact that her friend is also into other illegal drugs and I can only assume that she is following suit.<p>At this point I don't want to have anything to do with her(which doesnt mean I don't still love her). I want her to figure out that she's the one with the problem and she'll have to fix it on her own. I can't do this for her.<p>I feel we're both safer apart and I feel I did the right thing by leaving her at home.<p>My children are older and they are seeing what she is going through. They are trying to reason with her. Something I was unable to do. The more I asked that she stop, the more she demanded I leave. Once she told me of the affair I felt I had to leave. I know you don't understand why, but I would not ever put my wife on the street. She may have done that to me but it doesnt make it right that I should feel the same way.

Uh, "19..."<p>I don't wanna scare ya, BUT, in some states you could be "cited" with abandonment, since you DID move out of the house, even tho you were ASKED to! [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I would see an attorney asap to find out what the legal ramifications are of the situation you find yourself in currently.<p>I think Bryan's advice iright on with this one.<p>God Bless,

Sorry you are going through all of this. <p>I have to agree with Bryan on this one too. You really should go back to the home soon. Yes, in some states you can be charged with abandonment, and I believe that in some it is possible to get a restraining order on those grounds. Also, in some states you can get a temporary restraining order with just alligations, which will keep you away until she goes to court and has to prove anything. Just a little info. for you. Yes, talk to an attorney.<p>You mentioned that you just hope that she will see what she is doing, etc. However, may I point out that she is not going to see anything as long as you just walk away quietly and allow her to continue on as she is. What is there to see? She has her house; she gets to be with the kids (and might I add you don't because of HER choices); she can continue to drink, do drugs, see OM, etc. all she wants. The way I see it is that the only way she MAY see anything is if you go back home, tell her this is your house too, that you've done nothing to or against her to warrant her to demand you to leave, and that you are not leaving. If she has a problem with living in the same house as you then tell her she can leave but that you are not! If she again mentions that she doesn't want to leave the kids, let her know that you've thought about this and you already did it once and you refuse to leave your kids again. She is not the only one who has a right to be with the kids. If she still has a problem with it, then look at her and tell her she should have thought about that first. Give her something to ponder. Let her see what she would have to walk out on. Make her choose between the friends she is running with and the family she has. Stand your ground.<p>In the mean time, continue to work on you. Make yourself strong. Be gentle, but don't make her feel you accept what she is doing. <p>I hope this helps, and I pray that things will get better for you soon. Take care!

I definitely agree with Tutter and Bryan. Go home...don't make it easy for her to rip you and your family apart. Since you left your wife and kids (regardless of the circumstances), you'll end up looking like the bad guy in the court's eyes, since adultery is really "no big deal" anymore.<p>Again, don't make destroying your family so easy for her. She won't face this unless she's forced to.<p>Best of luck to you.<p>
at peace

Hey 19 - I hope you are still reading.<p>First, I agree with the others that you must consult legal advice and move back into the house. Your wife has no chance of "seeing" anything unless she experiences some of the consequences for herself. You have no obligation to protect her from this.<p>Second, my wife got started much like yours did, being best friends with another woman who had been cheating on her husband for about a year before my wife started. I also knew some of those details, and in fact, that situation was one of the clues that led me to confirm my own wife's affairs. Now, about my experiences in talking with O-OP:<p>

• She contacted me after one of my wife's OMs dumped her, and she (O-OP) was concerned about depression - wanted me to be alert for suicide attempts by my wife. Told me that my wife had been abusing diet pills. I learned some other tidbits from that conversation, but nothing critical. It was weird, because she was feeling me out and I didn't want to say much.
• My wife found out about the conversation months later, by reading my diary. It was an LB for both me and O-OP. Wife now thinks the O-OP is a vile betrayer, source of all my information since the first D-day, and so their friendship is ruined. This has made no difference in my wife's conduct, since she has other friends in that circle.
• Since my plan B started the O-OP seems to take it as a cautionary tale - that affairs can lead to divorce. It's almost like she can't believe this is happening.

<p>So from that experience I can suggest:

• Never forget, the O-OP may be a conduit for information to your wife.
• The O-OP is not on your side.
• Breaking up your wife from the O-OP will not stop your wife's affair. Your wife will find other friends, not counting of course OM himself, who will support what she's doing.

<p>I would not seek out contact with O-OP. If she seeks you out, it will be to pursue her own agenda. You can't rely on anything she tells you, without other confirmation.<p>When my wife found out I spoke with O-OP, it hardly mattered about the LB because I was beginning plan B. My O-OP wanted to keep this conversation a secret. But if you approach this woman, your wife will know immediately and it will make things much worse.<p>At this point and in your shoes, I would forget about O-OP, move back into the house, and work on plan A.<p>Good luck,<p>Tom<p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: tmmx ]</p>