Can you please look at this letter, it basically outlines what I think plan B should be. I'm frightened, I'm scared, but I don't know what else to do. Is the financial split necessary? It seems so final. I don't have kids, so there's no real complication. Except that H can walk away.
<img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>He has basically moved out but we meet some weekends. Last weekend he said that he thought we were working on our marriage, this weekend he says he's still ****ed up and can't stay overnight because its too soon. I've been plan Aing since 26th Jan and have had good results just lately. I don't know if this is the right think to do (to B), but I know I'll start presuring him to make a decision if we keep seeing each other. <p>HELP!!!!!<p>
Dear H,<p>You know I love you and adore you with my heart, my mind and my body. When we married I thought it would be forever and have never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly pains me. We have had great times and we had bad times, but we had each other and for 10 wonderful years it was enough.<p>I know we had problems. You have told me that I tried to control you, that I rejected your love by rejecting sex with you. You did not like that I was not independent and had ceased listening to you. I cannot change the past H, but I have learnt from my mistakes and I sincerely apologize to you. You know I have changed, you said you have noticed the changes in me. I am making them permanent and improving myself and my life. I am a better person. I make mistakes every day, but everyday I strive to be the best person I can be.<p>I have thought a lot about our marriage, our current situation and about where we are going. You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I cannot guarantee it will last 50 years or 5 years, but I know that when we try together we do good. I am ready H, not to live together but to work wholeheartedly on our marriage. I commit to you and our marriage. We need help, we need counselling but it takes two of us, I cannot do it alone.<p>You have told me you need more time and that you are very confused. I feel so much for you as I know this is very difficult. You are at a crossroads in your life and feel that today&#8217;s decision will affect the rest of your life. Some decision are tough and are scary, but noone said life would be breezy, its supposed to be hard and painful. Then the easy times are even more delightful. I respect that you have taken time to think about your life.<p>However, you have chosen to spend time with one specific woman and possibly other. You have told me you are still in contact with her and like her. I do not condone it, or like it, but have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you chose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.<p>To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision of my own. I need to stop seeing you until you decide one way or the other. The current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. This is not an ultimatum or a threat, it is simply &#8216;no contact&#8217;. I know that I risk loosing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you without putting pressure on you to make a decision. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you have done it because you love me, not because you have felt pressured into doing it. <p>Please respect my decision and do not contact me unless it is an emergency. If you need to access the house or spend time with the dog, please contact me and I will arrange to have the house available to you at a time I am not there and will leave the alarm off. )I have changed the alarm code, so please do not access the house and set off the alarm). <p>I will continue to work towards moving from this house and will contact you should any particular emergency arise. All financial information will now be handled by my lawyer who will be in contact to arrange a financial separation. This can easily be reversed if you decide you can commit to me. Otherwise I think this will be for the best. I do not wish to work out financial arrangements with you directly as I feel that it will be too hurtful and stressful for both of us.<p>I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make Om or Angie or any other woman aware that I am your wife and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and them. <p>I love you H, you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I chose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too. <p>I hope we will be together again one day.<p>Your wife <p>Seahorse

[img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] So sorry Seahorse. I do think it sounds very good. The only thought that comes to my mind that might be an "improvement" would be to possibly add some good memories in there? I've seen that in a few Plan B letters and it seems to me it would be very powerful. Take care and stay strong.

To me it seems a very caring letter full of love. But when you talk about "access the house" and "financial separation", it seems to me a bit too harsh. It does need to be clear, completely unambiguous that you need is no contact. Is it possible that you can make that clear in the letter and then work out the details together? thus he would take more responsibilty for what no contact means in practice and *he* might suggest changing the alarm code and calling the lawyer for the financial separation on his own behalf.

Liz - I think it's pretty dern good. I'd leave the financial/house stuff in - it adds more reality.<p>My only suggestion to change it is to be a bit more clear about what your conditions are for further contact. Here's a suggestion for a replacement for the paragraph beginning, "I hope with all my heart and soul that you will.....":<p>"I hope with all my heart and soul that you will give our relationship a try before it's too late. As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OW>, I will be willing to talk about our future."

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>Liz - I think it's pretty dern good. I'd leave the financial/house stuff in - it adds more reality.<p>My only suggestion to change it is to be a bit more clear about what your conditions are for further contact. Here's a suggestion for a replacement for the paragraph beginning, "I hope with all my heart and soul that you will.....":<p>"I hope with all my heart and soul that you will give our relationship a try before it's too late. As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently sever your relationship with <OW>, I will be willing to talk about our future."</strong><hr></blockquote><p>We're sorry you've had to reach this stage, SH, and our prayers are with you.<p>WAT said exactly what I was thinking; you need to be clear about what he needs to do to have contact again.

I agree with WAT and SC. Leave the finance stuff in. <p>This is a very good letter. It is a love letter. <p>When you know you are ready, send it. <p>Remember that you will have bad thoughts, and depressing feelings on and off when you get near to plan B. You have shown yourself to be a clear thinker when you are not depressed. Don't do anything when you have these down thoughts. Wait until they pass and then do what you have planned to do. You will be OK. <p>SS

Thank you for reading my letter and the suggestions. I have taken most on board and will rewrite it then post it again.
Thank you to all, I appreciate it very much

Oh Seashorse, I am sorry to see that you feel you are almost at plan B, but understandable with where you are/where your WH's head appears to still be residing. It is a good letter. <p>Best of luck to you.