Hi All,<p>Right now, I am doing plan-A while separated. Im feeling much better than I did several months ago. Kepted on a busy schedule and working on myself with occasional contact with WW. Well , what helped me out a great deal that I started 2 weeks ago to get my emotions in check was I created a 'crime list' (learned from a divorce book) of the things my WW did to me. Everytime I felt like calling or being clingy, i would resort back to this crime list. It gave me the strength to do the 180 that many are refering to. Im just afraid if I read this crime list too much that my love for my WW would diminish quicker than I want it to.<p>Doing the 180 for several weeks is paying off. It drew her into conversations about the future and she gained more respect for me. And more importantly, I gain more respect for myself. The only thing Im afraid of now is meeting someone new in my life and becoming attached which would really mess things up for everyone. I did tell my WW that is not something I want to do right now, unless I know our M is over. <p>One thing that did bother me was that my WW told me if I am to see someone else during this time, she would understand, she said "you are a man". What is that suppose to mean or does she really mean it? Is this to relieve her guilt or is this a foggy statement?<p>Should I continue with the 180 or start to meet her needs. One strange thing about this whole ordeal is that I am not ready to offer her SF, is that a big problem? I did give her a hug and a kiss. Why do I not want to SF with my WW? Its been almost 3 months now...Am I sitting on the fence too?<p>Any comments or input would be appreciated.<p>
LaN

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LiveAnew:
<strong>Hi All,<p>.....Everytime I felt like calling or being clingy, i would resort back to this crime list. It gave me the strength to do the 180 that many are refering to. Im just afraid if I read this crime list too much that my love for my WW would diminish quicker than I want it to.<p>Doing the 180 for several weeks is paying off. It drew her into conversations about the future and she gained more respect for me. And more importantly, I gain more respect for myself<p>One thing that did bother me was that my WW told me if I am to see someone else during this time, she would understand, she said "you are a man". What is that suppose to mean or does she really mean it? Is this to relieve her guilt or is this a foggy statement?<p>Should I continue with the 180 or start to meet her needs. One strange thing about this whole ordeal is that I am not ready to offer her SF, is that a big problem? I did give her a hug and a kiss. Why do I not want to SF with my WW? Its been almost 3 months now...Am I sitting on the fence too?<p>Any comments or input would be appreciated.<p>
LaN</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Hi, <p>It is good to hear from U!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Well you sound much stronger and more in control of yourself. As for your questions, well they are quite normal. Most WS babble in a way to find out if you are 'looking'. They still want to keep tabs of some sick sort on the BS. The point is how much will we (BS) share?!?!? That is an individual answer. <p>My H asked the same question, he even offered to match me up with his friend or even suggested OW's H? Can U believe it? Evidently OW's H was good enough for me but not for the OW? Crazy or what? <p>I choose not to answer those kinds of questions. As for the SF question.......your SF is because you love your W or just to fix a need? I think your response will provide your answer. <p>JMHO....take care,

Hi Orchid, thanks for your response.<p>I don't want SF with my WW. It must be because:<p>1. either I am angry
2. I am withdrawing
3. depleted love bank
4. afraid of intimacy and being hurt again<p>All of the above, is this a sign of myself not wanting our M to work out? Any BS out there that didnt want SF, feel very distant, somewhat cold? Are these really bad signs? Im worried and confused.<p>
LaN

Hi,<p>Your feelings are quite normal. Really really who would want to be 2nd or less? So I understand. Have you ever read the 5 stages of grieving post? Kinda like my best seller!!! LOL! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Let me know. I can post it. It will let you see some of the stages the BS might go through. Don't write yourself off. You are quite the norm, here.<p>L.

Thanks Orchid,<p>I am tired of waiting for WW. The couple of times I asked her about our M, she either say 'dont rush me' or 'its too soon'. I have read Tough Love and I am so ready... My love bank is depleting quicker than I would like , right now - almost 5% left. I planned A for 3 months, separated for 2. OM moved out of state to be with his W. My WW is just waiting, sitting on the fence, maybe waiting on OM, I dont know. I am about to see her tonight - have a discussion - Its either our M or Im filing for D - and she can have all the freedom to her hearts content. What do you all think? I'm tired of my children in the middle of this, my love bank is almost at null, I'm sick and tired of her deceptions and her unwillingness to put a resolution to this mess.<p>Please help anyone - am I doing the wrong thing here? Have I lost my patience.<p>
LaN

LA...no easy answers to that one. My H and I BOTH sat on the fence for a long time. We had a year of marital problems and then seperated...still didn't figure it out...waffled between divorcing and dating. "Figuring it out" isn't easy, but when one spouse is cemented to the fence it's darn near impossible. Sometimes it takes some drastic changes for them to become unglued. If you're sure you are ready for the consequences of suggesting divorce then it's an option. I'm sure there are others as well.

Thanks Hope,<p>I see you have a 4 y.o, my son is also 4. Did you file and what happened to help you make the decision to file. Sometimes, I think the only way my WW is going to face reality is filing for D. I hate to say it, but I think Im ready to face the consequences of the D. Its not much of a difference considering that we are separated now. I don't have much more to lose right now. Plan B isnt really an option since we have 2 young children. We made a committment that we will not deprive each other of the children.<p>Funny thing is since I moved into my own place, my 4 yo calls my place home and he is still living in the old home , which is mommies house.
It just breaks his little heart that mommy and daddy can't live with each other.<p>
LaN

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I am so ready.<hr></blockquote>
I think you should listen to yourself.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My love bank is depleting quicker than I would like.<hr></blockquote>
Maybe now is the time to save what little you have left.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>am I doing the wrong thing here?<hr></blockquote>
This is "your thing" here and noone can tell you how to do it. Everyone has their own limits. If you've reached yours, then by all means, follow your instincts. I personally don't think you are doing the wrong thing. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>My love bank is almost at null.<hr></blockquote>
I think resentment is building up and that is why if feels like your love bank is almost null. Plan A is all about you. You can't work jointly(100%) on this M without your W. You can't force her to do it either. So, what's wrong with being true to yourself? I say, listen to yourself. Only you know what't best for you.<p>Even though it may seem like the world has stopped spinning because of her A, deep down you know it hasn't. Stop making this all about her. I think you are right to put you and your children on top of your priorities list.(Something she is forgetting) <p>Deep down you know what you need to do. <p>It's your life too. Take care of you.<p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

I was the WS...the only reason I finally filed was because I was pressured in to it...by both OM and H. My H was interested in moving on with his life as was OM. Being the WS I did NOT want to be the one to make the decision. I just sat. But since no one was doing ANYTHING and I'm not one to sit still too long...I finally did what I felt was supposed to happen. Marriage was not moving forward so DV was the next step. I drug my feet as much as possible...only moving forward when H would ask where we were at with it. He spent the weekend before Thanksgiving with a girl and her family...and that's what catapulted my head out of my butt. I took the chance and reached out to my H again. By that point I saw the OM in a truer light. A good guy who could offer no more and no less than my H. I really had no desire at that point to try to make a life with him any more.<p>It is sad what our children go through. My son was 2 when I moved out. H and I managed 50-50 custody, and son saw both of us almost every day. Every now and then he STILL speaks about "mommy's house". I'll be glad when that memory fades for him.<p>I does sound as if you're ready to move forward. I hope everything works out for you.

Go morning my friends,<p>Well , last night I went to my WW home to pick up my son to spend the night with me. After being there for 1/2 hr or so, she asked me to help her with a bill. Now keep in mind while we are separated, I am volunteerily giving her what should would be legally entitled to if she were to file for support, alimony, etc. When I told her that I could not help any more than what Im doing for her already, WW went ballistics. Started to jam me up about the things she has to pay now and she actually felt I was *wrong* for not continuing to 'help out'. WW showed anger outburst towards me - I remained calm. Before I left, I still gave her the money. WW didnt say thank you or anything.<p>I learned several things from what happened last night:<p>1. WW has a lot of anger
2. I have learned to communicate without LB'ing
3. My love bank is taking another nose-dive<p>Have any BS went through something similiar to this. Is this a stage that WWs go through?<p>WW did call me at work 10 mins ago and said we will talk about yesterday this afternoon.<p>Any comments will be appreciated.<p>
LaN

Hi all,<p>Today , we talked - Talking about major fog. WW doesnt seem to understand why I moved, separated. I told her that 2 months ago, when I confronted her with the email and she just denied it. Today, WW told me it was my decision to move. I told her I needed to move b.c. of her relationship with xxxx. WW just laughed and said 'let me go' (over the phone). Is she going insane or is it me? Is she just playing me maybe due to financial reasons? Im at a lost here.<p>
Please help.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by LiveAnew:
<strong>Hi all,<p>Today , we talked - Talking about major fog. WW doesnt seem to understand why I moved, separated. I told her that 2 months ago, when I confronted her with the email and she just denied it. Today, WW told me it was my decision to move. I told her I needed to move b.c. of her relationship with xxxx. WW just laughed and said 'let me go' (over the phone). Is she going insane or is it me? Is she just playing me maybe due to financial reasons? Im at a lost here.<p>
Please help.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Yep, I think so. You know the part where she 'laughed and said she had to go'? Hm..... You caught her and her only way out was to laugh and leave. She will play you for all she can get and then make you feel like the chump. <p>Now the question for you is how much longer are you willing to be the chump? Read his needs/her needs. Learn how to be treated with dignity. When she has her outbursts, encourage her to take it out on herself, by herself. Encourage her to seek help for her anger but let her know that you will no longer be her mental punching bag. You love her but will not subject yourself to her angry outbursts. When she accuses you of the same, reply that it works both ways. Be loving but be firm. You are dealing with a spoiled child and it just doesn't look as nice when an adult has a temper tantrum. Let her know that!!!<p>JMHO of course.
L.

Just an update: WW is still in fog. I dont know if there is still contact.

I talked to her Saturday night. I asked what we do now? M or not M. (tough-love approach)

I have been doing good on Plan A - Love bank still holding at around 5%.

WW tells me that she dont but emphasized that she do but it would take 2 weeks or 2 months. Asked me if I understood? I told her no. She told me she didnt want to rebuild with 'old b.s.'. She told me not ready to throw 13 years away. WW told me that I have been doing 'real good'.

I am so ready to move on, but dont want to rush it. I want to give her the time to get over her feelings for OM or make the decision to be M or not.

Anyone can help me figure out what is this 2 weeks or 2 months statement? or is it just fog and I should not be concerned about it. What is this WW is thinking?

Me, Im doing a lot of work, martial arts training, reading, hanging out with the kids, family and friends.

Im see WW around 1 hour a day but not any R talk. The connection is definitely not there anymore...Can we rebuild, or is there any more motivation to rebuild are the questions for me at this time.

Thanks for letting me share all.