Everytime H and I have sex I think of the XOW even though both claim it was an EA i think it was PA as well.
WHile H and I are intimate I picture him being intimate with her .... needless to say it kills the mood for me.
H does not know that I think like this.
It has been 1 1/2 years since his EA and Apparently it still bothers me enough to ruin our sex life..
I am bothered so much by my thoughts that I tend to make excuses not to have sex with H so i will not be prone to see these images.
since his A I have had no inclination to have sex with him.. I have a low sex drive but i still feel urges and Most of the time I would rather masterbate that have sex with my H..
i have tried to push the thoughts away but the continue to creep back .. I am at a los on what to do
I do not want to tell H how I feel cause I do not want to hurt his feelings and and if i try to explain it to him he will not understand.
and just get mad or upset with me.

Allda -<p>I just started a thread about this same topic. Come join us "Ok Ladies - SF - can we talk?"<p>Llama

I hear ya
It was hard for me at first. I just have to really get into the sex so I'm not distracted by outside thoughts.
Occasionally if I get to excited to the point of it being over prematurely (if you know what I mean) I will use thoughts of W and OM together to slow me down. Obviously thats a guy issue that won't benefit gals to much.
Counseling would be the only thing I could suggest.
That is a problem you definately need to address because lack of sex and/or sex reluctantly is going to make H more vulnerable to a relapse<p>Hopefully someone else can offer more constructive help.Good luck.<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: NeverHappenToMe ]</p>

Hi AllDaGoodNamzRTakn,<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>I do not want to tell H how I feel cause I do not want to hurt his feelings and and if i try to explain it to him he will not understand. <hr></blockquote> You need to be honest with your husband. His feelings are His and his alone. You aren't responsible for hurting his feelings... he's the one that had the EA, not you.<p>You need to be totally honest with him about what you're feeling regarding your sex life... I agree with NHTM... your lack of honesty about your SF could eventually create another opportunity to look elsewhere. I'm definitely NOT saying that you should give your H SF just to 'keep him from straying'. I'm sure that the issues run much deeper than that. Only that you should be honest with your H and tell him how you are feeling.<p>If you're like me, you've probably already decided for your husband how he's going to respond... You know, "if I tell him that I can't make love because of thoughts of the OW, then he'll just get mad, or he'll try to meet my needs for a little while, then he'll stop." It really isn't fair to "think" for our spouses.<p>Tell him how you are REALLY feeling about all of this and see what happens...<p>Best of luck,
RIF90

AlltheGood,
Do you realize you are choosing to dwell on these thoughts/images of her? That you can stop? That you should stop?<p>Why are you giving the OW this kind of power in your life? Ruining your sex life, continuing to ruin your sex life.<p>My H told me he did "everything" with the FOW. Ok, so does that make me feel better? No. It was "love" as well, so so there's no out with "it was just sex".<p>But, I haven't had problems with images for a long time. Because she never had a right to be with my H, and I'm sure as heck not going to keep her there, when she is GONE.<p>So, after 1 1/2 years, you've got this pretty ingrained in your reactions...sex starts, you image the OW. My advice, pick an image of you & your H, CONCENTRATE. Whenever the image of the OW comes to mind, replace it with the image of you & H that you have chosen. ALWAYS.<p>And, keep the lights on, candles, whatever, but light so you can see that you are there, it's your body. Look into his eyes when possible, ask "look at me" keep mentally connected to the present & right now. You can also ask him to say your name. <p>If he wonders, you can tell him the reason, or you can say, "I've been reading and these are things I want to try, I really want to enjoy you."<p>You can change this.

I'm going to post this on the other "sex" thread out there too, but the one thing I did that has rescued our sex life more than anything was to get off of birth control pills. The medicine KILLED my sex drive. We've used alternate protection for 2 years now with success. My drive is better than ever. <p>I'd also recommend telling your husband. Turn the lights on when you have sex, and look into each others eyes. Just seeing the love and desire in my Hs eyes makes it where I can concentrate on him, and him alone!!