Had a wonderful wkend with H at beachhouse.. invited him down.. just like old times.. except H's NEW LIFE is intruding... I ignored it and acted "christ-like" in plan a mode as much as possible... <p>MY h cannot and will not face what he has done to hurt me... still operating in the YOU caused this .. MODE><p>what else.. parents, sister, etc... all angry me and my 2 boys spent time with THE BIG LOSER.... AGGGH! why do friends and family not uplift marital recovery...???<p>I want to talk to H about kids, money and counseling, etc... we are doing better again... but I fear my strong desire to discuss REAL LIFE... may topple over my escapist husbands happy reality... SEE any negativity... and that includes money talk, responsibility talk, etc... is a NONO with mr. escapist... ( I esp. say this because I now feel I know him better... that he drinks... womanizes, etc. ALL TO feel better about who he is... and not feel down at ALL>...<p>Thanks for input... anything apprec. - there is more stress with my mom, but will write about that later.<p>H [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Good to hear from you... was wondering about your weekend! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You said:
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> we are doing better again... <hr></blockquote><p>What do you mean? "Better" how?

We had a wonderful time together like Old times... only because I chose to keep my mouth shut and say NOTHING about how I feel. Today feeling very overwhelmed by the fact that I am still a single mother.. my h goes home to another house.. and refuese to talk to me about why... except to say he had to get away from my emotional unstability... ( hello... it all is from his lying and cheating)- he cant talk aoubt waht is wrong, why, etc... he can act as if... everything is fine... and go home... and go fishing with the guys... almost every other wkend in the last few months and still plan to do so next wkend.. and not come to our sons bday party.. since he is AFRaid to see my family. My family hates my husband.. and poss. rightfully so... he treats me terribly... and acts as if.. it is no biggie to abandon his wife and kids for the office slut...<p>I guess I had a wonderful time and it hurt to come home and watch him go off and leave me again, and never say IM sorry, and I want to fix it.<p>WHY cant he do that? is it just too great to see and be with your family occaisionally and live your single life the rest of the time???<p>IS responsibility just too much for this man I married... so why not dump it all on me.<p>Sorry, I am really hurting. I am trying to talk myself out of even saying a word to him.<p>
but I already called and sd we need to talk about the kids, reality, money, and his abandonment of us.<p>He is mad again, called me and sd this is just like old times.. me calling him and saying this crap... what old times... certainly not when we were happy... but when he abandoned me for the office slut.<p>thanks for the response faith 1.... <p>I had such a good time.. it almost felt like I had my family again.. but on sunday night he left... and I am left to deal with everything alone again... that is 2 kids, a house all the bills that go with it... etc.<p>thanks so much... it just hurts... and any mention of reality drives him away frrom me... <p>What am I suppossed to do, pretend ???/ fore ver? I did for the wkend so he would stay////- I feel so crazy.. like maybe I would just support him if he would come home.. but that is not the kind of h I want. He just started a big 2 week work assign. today.. he def. has trouble getting and keeping employment- and that is such a big issue... as I think my h should support me..<p>Had a big BIG fight with my mom asserting her ideas on how to care for / schedule my kids... today.. as she watches the kids... since I need some help...<p>anyway... I guess I just want the family support to come from a husband instead of my mom and dad at age 34.<p>thanks again, honey

I don't know what to tell you other than I know how frustrating it is. Have you done the improving yourself step? That actually might have got my husband thinking. I just stay happy. I never let him see me stress. About him anyway. Be good to yourself. Eat right, excersize etc. I found my mood improved and he can't figure it out. I am starting to think it's the chase they like. Well he married you. Let him give chase. He's bound to miss things that you did for him. Remind him of what he is missing and as my Dr says....Let him see what he is giving up...don't get bogged down with doubts...believe in yourself. We all believe in you. If you feel hopeless, draw strength from all of us here that are suffering also...
You are not alone [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
Layli

Hi Honey. Just a few comments for you.<p>You can't change your H no matter how hard you try. You can only change yourself and how you react to him. It's your decision as to whether you can deal with him as he is. It's so hard, I know, to accept that your H has changed so drastically and is so out of control and you can't stop him. But it's a fact that you can't. He is who he is and now it's up to you to choose where to go from here.<p>I really understand how much you want to save your marriage but can you stay married to who he is now or would you just be pretending as you did this past weekend? <p>He blames you and he's wrong. We are all responsible for our own choices and he is responsible for his. He seems to make continuous bad choices that hurt you and then he lays the guilt on you.<p>My opinion and only my opinion is that you need to avoid him. Possibly go to Plan B and stay strong in it. Plan A is about changing yourself but he seems to bring out the worst in you. In Plan B you would have no contact with him except for matters concerning the kids and maybe that will give him a much needed reality check.<p>I think about you often and I wish there was some miracle cure for you and your H. I'll continue to prey for you and your family and keep hoping for the best.

Honey,
Sorry to hear all this frustration and hurt. But you must ask yourself; "Is it really better?" if "better" is achieved by ignoring/supressing your needs and desires and worries?<p>How "real" is a "great weekend, like old times" when it was achieved only by ignoring reality and supressing your needs?<p>Of all people, I don't want to rain on your parade, darlin'; but I sincerely believe that you must take drastic measures if there is going to be any hope of your H becoming the type of H who deserves you sometime in the future. If you keep allowing him in your life, and the only way he's tolerable in your life is by avoiding "touchy" subjects and realities, it's not real. And even worse, he has NO INCENTIVE TO CHANGE, NO INCENTIVE TO LOOK AT HIMSELF IN THE MIRROR.<p>Honey; you know what you need to do. Make yourself strong enough to be able to do it, and do it! The sooner the better. Pretending that things are OK or "better" is just hurting you, and allowing him to continue to be the irresponsible person that he is.<p>Big hug!!!

I'm back... and see the others have said what I wanted to. I KNOW it's hard sweetie, but my concern was when you said things were "better". They simply couldn't be THAT much better in just a matter of a weekend. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] I was afraid you would read too much into that, and get your arm chewed off again by the lion.<p>You've got to show more emotional strength than that. He probably feels tricked or manipulated... you lulled him into a nice weekned with no R talk, no blaming, no making him look in the mirror, then WHAM! hit him with it today. he doesn't want to look in the mirror right now. He WON'T look in the mirror. So don't expect it.<p>Dontcha wanna check with us before stepping into the lion's pit from now on? Ask us "should I call him?" That's what friends are forrrrrrrr.<p>Right now, you should ENJOY the small blessing of a pleasant weekend, but NOT expect miracles from it. <p>{{{{{{{honey}}}}}} Ya'll have been in this pattern for soooo long. It's hard to break out of it. but you NEED to.<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

thanks, I am so hurt... on top of it.. it was my sons birthday yesterday, he turned 10.. I so much want to be the family we used to be. I love my husband and I feel like an idiot... it really is driving me crazy with hurt... that we can have a great time playing in the waves... eating out, having dinner together.. cooking bbqing hot dogs, hamburger... like the family I always wanted that POOF.. got taken away from me by AFFAIRS and ADULTERY...... as long I keep pretedning than we can be OK. <p>I dont want to lose my family. YOu people are all so right... I guess... I dont even know... I am confused.<p>My older son had a great time with his dad again and it was great... and his dad went home telling him how much he loved his mom and woke up this am telling him how much he loved his mom again... I did not get i love yous... though...he told our son.. who actually wanted to go be with his dad and spent the night there last night.<p>Now the clincher.. MY EVIL FIL... sent my sons bday present to the wrong address... bzzzz.... I get mad... also EVIL... FIL send book... preteen... my son is 10~ well maybe... but I looked at the book... and it had stuff about incest... etc.. divorce, step parents.. and how it is all OK. In my book it is not ok. In my book fil slaps me in the face by mailing gift to where dad is... adulterous pad. OK? MY kids do not need to be drug into this. FIL is messing up bad. <p>I have been pt blank blunt with ex coke dealer.. who lies about it until blue in the face fil... fil who is adulterer.. liar, etc. fil who has been married 4x.. fil who abandoned his family.. etc. and TAUGHT his son it is OK. FIL who sticks head in the sand and ignores that his son has drug and alcohol issues... ETC ETC.<p>WHY do i just want my H to love me again.<p>He cannot stand my feelings, and /or my hurt over all this. He called me a fin bit __ when I called to say how upset I was over his fathers little address problem.. this is the same man who had lots of love for me this wekend.<p>I dont know... h was even saying earlier today we could go to counseling this week... of course now he is backing out on me... bcause I am hurt by his dad.<p>I call dad and grandma and complain... bzzz mess up. His family hates me anyway.. they certainly do not honor or uplift our marriage.. and they cant stand that I speak the truth.<p>THey are in DENIAL.<p>Anyway, I am so sad again. I just want my h back. but like he used to be, not the monster he has become.<p>H

honey,
WHAT IF.... just imagine.... WHAT IF we could PROMISE you that your H would straighten up and BECOME the man you want/need but it will take YOU doing certain things to get there? YOU are the KEY!!!!!<p>- Quit bringing up HIS mistakes and HIS responsibilities.<p>- Quit depending on HIM for your happiness. QUIT depending on him for ANYTHING.<p>- Live your life AS IF he's gone.<p>- Love your children, love yourself, count your blessings, and LIVE as a CHILD OF GOD. You are insulting God by being SO hung up on this earthly man (your H) that is treating you so bad. You are insulting God by refusing to see and relish in the joy and beauty around and within you. You were created in His image, to worship Him, and to enjoy the beauty He has blessed you with.<p>NOW... BACK TO THE WHAT IF.... WHAT IF we could promise you YOUR H and a wonderful, happy marriage and family if you JUST do those things? It's SIMPLE!!!! Just do those things, and your dreams will come true!!!!<p>If this were TRUE, would you do them? Could you do them? If you KNEW the prize was so great, COULD you FIND a way to DO THAT STUFF???<p>well, of course we can't promise you that, but if you COULD find a way to do that stuff with a guarantee, then you CAN DO IT WITHOUT THE GUARANTEE. We CAN guarantee that if you'll do that stuff, YOU wil be strong, happy, a GREAT mom, a GREAT wife to SOMEONE!!!!!<p>FIND a way to get that stuff done. YOU are WORTH great things. YOU are WORTH it to treat yourslef RIGHT, and find happiness in this WORLD. DO it!!!<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{HONEY}}}}}}}}}}}

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Honey:
<strong>as long I keep pretedning than we can be OK.
</strong><hr></blockquote><p>There is no truth in this statement. Pretending to be happy, pretending to be someone else, pretending all is well in your world will only get you more heartache.<p>You must change YOU. I read your posts and I always wonder if the things you write here are the things you say to him. For instance, did you say "everything would be fine if you weren't with the office slut" or "Your father is an evil adulteror and he had no business sending my son such a book and how dare he send it to your house"?<p>If this is the way you communicate with him you MUST change it. He sees it as emotional unstability and even if he's wrong it is what he believes and what he reacts to. <p>So you have choices to make. Choices about you. Choices for your life. Faith is right you are worth great things and if you aren't getting them then you need to find a new way to express yourself.<p>Stay strong but think before you speak and remember you objectives.<p>[ June 10, 2002: Message edited by: TinyDancer ]</p>

thanks TD... NO, I did not say these things to any of them... they wre my evil thoughts last night. I got them out here. <p>Sorry I had a really bad day... I am trying to make things better... but my FIL mailing my sons gift to the wrong address... is just so hard for me to accept. My fil married 4x... has no respect for our home, our family, etc. and encourages divorce as the answer.<p>I am so sick of him, and his issues.<p>thanks for the support.. trying to let go and let God... certainly my angry attitude is not helping.<p>H

Honey,<p>I don't write to you very often anymore but I always or almost always read your posts.<p>Go back & read what the others have said. Honey, have you really moved at all?
You sound stronger in your posts & not as out of control as you did a few months ago. do you think it might be because you have limited contact with your H?<p>Think Honey, things are better if you don't bring any issues up & ya'll can have a nice weekend great. But how did you feel afterwards, lousy it sounds. So what did you do, you call him & tell him how bad he makes you feel because he is such a jerk (not those works but the meaning, right?).<p>then you call him & tell him how hurt you are that his dad sent your sons bday gift to your H's address & you thought the book was not a good choice.<p>Honey, you only get hurt when you are around your H. Unless you can stop yourself from calling because you are hurt, you HAVE to STOP doing things with your H.<p>He is not going to change because HONEY wants him to change, he will only change IF he wants to change. <p>Right now there is no reason to change, he can a few nice times a month with his family and them blame you for messing it up with your demands.<p>Think Honey, do you really want to keep living this way.<p>I walked on eggshells for 2 yrs trying to save my marriage, the last yr all I did was hurt my OS and well I lived in hell. It is not a fun place to be.

thanks sing... well I do think my H was way more apprec. of the wkend since it had been SO long since he had been with us... as a fmaily and had a nice time... a very long time... yes I did try to see him on my bday and it turned into a real bummer.... (he was with the lousey drinking guys)-<p>well, this was more like old times... just us, the family... and we had a wonderful time... I can almost cry just thinking about our dinner together... <p>WHY... did he have to have an A////??? why does he not want to fix it??? time will tell. I know everyone sees me as see sawing- and the FIL issues I am letting go of again... I am going to write a short note saying gifts will not be thrown away and that I have no issue of him contacting kids here... so quit acting as if we are divorced already... last sent. deleted.<p>I AM JUST Really angry for the last 2 days.. it has been hard... I wish I could let it roll... I have been getting so much better at letting all the stuff roll off my back.. and yes... limited contact helped.<p>I am aware my H has to change and want the marriage... that is a real issue....<p>thanks for reminding me... he did leave wanting the marriage sun. nite.. but when I hurt and upset.. call asking for real life talk... I got shot down.<p>I guess I can sneak in a little R talk.. but not much.<p>I know it doesnt seem like worthwhile to even try to save my family, but that is what I want... but NO, I do not want to be stomped on while it happens... and I do feel my H is in lalala land... so maybe he will stay there... truth is,,, my family does not need to be involved in the ups and downs of whaat goes on in recovery or dissolution.. that is my foo.. including my sister... all I get is CRAP... and hatred for him.<p>I think this is why i am so crazy.<p>I am upset I cant be a stay at home mom right now... I am really hurting over that becasue it is summer and my boys are getting bigger and I am trapped at an office all day.. .while theyu are with my mom who I am not chummy with.<p>I cked into some credit issues of mine today and I am going to start working on those goals... as I have let some financial goals of mine (buying my home from my parents slide)- and yes, this could be a big issue... because if we do get divorced it is better to leave it like it is.... in their name... but h is upst that he was living in my parents house.. and now claims he wont come home... maybe if it is our or my house.. but not theirs.. and with my crummy credit report right now... all I can do is try to buy this house... stupid not too.. with a 5 yr of payments gift of equity... basically parents bought for me with intention we would buy wehn our credit issues cleared up...<p>Well hello , active alcoholic helped to destroy the dream... and my depression and giving up and illnss and having a 2 yr old.. .and my fantasy of having my h take care of me..<p>boy am I all over the place... one minute I love my hus. and the nxt I hate him.... in a way.. not really if you know what I mean... sorry for all my angry vents... trying to keep me from lbing all over the place.. which I have been doing. (al beit still better than a few months back... oh yearh.... just ran out of anti d's .. guess that has something to do with my hyper sensitive attitude???<p>thanks.<p>honey [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Honey,
You ask why your H had the A?<p>You know enough of the answers, he's selfish, he's not in control of his life, he drinks which puts him farther out of control of his life, and he wanted to.<p>Why doesn't he want to fix it.
Same answers.<p>You don't have to keep asking those questions. You know the answers. They are NOT good answers or satisfying, but that's that.<p>Will he ever want to fix it? Maybe.<p>Will hovering over him make him want to fix it? Unlikely.<p>Concentrate on realizing you have done what you can. Continue doing what is the right thing to do for you, Plan A with boundaries or moving to B. But also realize, the ball in his court. If he wants the marriage you are still at the point where reconciliation is possible for you. You're shaky at times, but I think you're ok.<p>That relationship ball is laying right there for him.
Don't go pick it up and take it home.
Don't go shove it in his hands.
Don't pick it up and bounce it off his head... [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . Do you get what I'm saying?<p>He has to make these changes. He has to want it.<p>All you have to do right now is be ready if he can do that.

Honey,<p>Lor, gave you great advice.

thanks Lor and SIng, I especially like the fact that the ball cannot be bounced off of his head... i feel like I am doing that and throwing it very hard.<p>H

Honey,
I think a lot of know the feeling of wanting so hard to make something happen, and it doesn't, or doesn't in the kind of time frame we'd like to see. Like, this minute, tomorrow at the latest.<p>It's hard.

Yes... I know- I just bought one of those BIG exercise balls... I can see myself... (in my mind) throwing it at his head and trying to make him DO SOMETHING.<p>I get so tired of watching our relationship grow apart and our family grow apart... to me the longer this goes on, the more I hate him and just say OK fien... go away forever... because his "single " life is not tolerable by the wife.. me.. just the wife.<p>H

Honey,
I wasn't always Lor(Lor) in recovery, y'know. I was, shall we say...volatile... when my Plan A slipped. But those are the parts I regret, and I know I didn't make the situation better when I flew off the handle. So, bouncing a ball at my H isn't just an image [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . Of course, I had more an image of a softball (which, aren't soft at all), since that's where I spend all my time these days.

Honey,<p> really in so many ways you have come along way in your personal journey. This place is for venting & screaming, crying etc, so you don't do it to your WS. and you are doing better. You no longer remind me of these 2 very silly girls in my World Geo classes. They were cute & sweet but oh so silly. Hope you don't take that wrong. I really do mean this in a nice way. <p>Just remember you can't make your WH do anything.<p>I thought that if I planned enough family things that my WH wouldn't be able to let go & for awhile it worked. I lost weight, not enough to suit him but in the end none of those things were enough for him. I could change me all I wanted but I couldn't change him. He had made his mind up that he would never be happy with me again and that only the OW would bring him happiness. The funny thing is I don't think he is happy with her either. He may marry her but he has not figured out yet that she can't make him happy, only he can do that.<p>I hope your marriages recovers but if it doesn't it is not the end of the world. I would rather take the peace I have now than the absoulte hell I lived in the 1st 6 months of 2001. It wasn't good for me, my STBX or most especially my sons. <p>Hope you are staying cool in this very hot H-town. Off to VBS to see if Daniel comes out of the lions den.