At the moment, what I need to know is, how long will it take for me to stop missing interacting with him? We've been almost daily chatters, email daily, make small talk at school - so no one would suspect. Now I'm pulling away and I should tell you, he is too. But we've been through this numerous times since February, when it first became physical. One or ther other of us get a grip for a while and know that what we are doing is wrong/stupid/hurtful and many other things. But somehow we are drawn back together like magnets. So today I just spoke minimally to him - we have not emailed or chatted and I know he is probably wondering what is up. I know what you are thinking - why haven't I told him that this is it, it is over, I want to focus on my husband, and be done with it. I don't know the answer to that - or maybe I do - I want it all in a totally selfish, uncaring, hurtful way. Actually what I want is what we used to have, which was a joking kind of friendship, some slirting, but no action. We'll never get that back, so I guess it is time to just end it for real. Give me strength and keep me in your prayers. I know many BS probably hate me right now - but probably not as much as I hate myself for getting myself into such a predicament. I thought I could handle it...famous last works, huh?

And one more thing - thank you for letting me get this out in the open. As I wrote before, I have no one to talk this over with. I know you all agree that it is my husband that needs to hear it and maybe at some point he will - I'm working towards it, I think, by being able to share it with you all first. Thanks for listening and for ignoring the typos - my fingers start flying, the tears start falling, and I have a hard time seeing what I'm writing. I hope someday that I can be the one couseling another person who never thought it would happen to them...I'll be there to say it can and here's what you need to do to make sure that it doesn't ruin your life...

Just keep fighting to get out of that fog. if you don't tell your husband he can't be on the other side show you the way out of it. D-day's suck and he will find out about it. My husband thought I honestly didn't have a clue when I told him and I had known for 2 weeks.
Be strong!
layli

neverthought ~<p>We can help you a little bit.<p>But the person who can help you the most...the person who will be able to help you stay strong in ending this is your husband.<p>You can never ever be friends with your OM, in fact, you need to be ready to find another teaching job.<p>If you truely want to make this right and make your marriage into something that makes your affair romance look like wilted lettuce....then you will have to start by telling your husband.<p>As long as you don't tell, you have your privacy to continue allowing contact. Until you tell your husband, you really haven't decided to end this.<p>Just as an alcoholic can only control his addiction by complete abstinence, you can only get out of this affair the same way.<p>It will probably be bad for at least 3 weeks....maybe as long as 3 months. But you will survive the withdrawal.<p>I'm going to really really urge you to call the Harleys. They are FANTASTIC, and will be able to help you and your husband through this.<p>You, your husband and your marriage can survive this, but you will need help. Please call - it's an investment in the rest of your life.

Neverthought,<p>There is a book you should read. It is called Surviving an Affair by Harley. It will give you details about everything including the no contact letter.<p>I am simply going to reinforce what everyone else has said. Talk to your H and tell him. If you have some fears about your H, talk to a counselor and develop an approach and wording to tell him, perhaps do it in the counselors office where the counselor can help you both.<p>But, you must resolve this and soon or more damage will be done. There is no easy way out of this, and there is no way out that won't damage your H and your marriage further. But, the honest way, actually is the least painful because everything gets out on the table so that issues can be discussed.<p>Please think about this.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

I can't believe how hard this is or how I ever let myself get caught up in it. If you knew me, you would never believe that I would have an A. I can't believe it myself. But now I am faced with the decision of how to tell my husband and I have to tell you, it will devastate him. I don't think he will be capable of working through it and going on with the marriage, as I read so many others do. I know you say that the only way to begin the process is to tell, but I'm scared and would rather just take this secret to the grave. Why should I hurt him to help myself heal?
I can't afford counseling at this point, so the advice I get from you is so greatly appreciated. I've been feeling the need to go to confession, which I know isn't the same thing as talking to someone, but maybe it is a start? A great deal of the guilt I feel goes back to the Catholic upbringing I had. Again, how in the hell did I get here and Lord help me find my way back.
I know I'm getting stronger and I'm getting angry at the OM for helping this happen. This is not the first time he has been the WS and, like a fool, I thought that our A was special. Now I see it for what it is - and it sickens me. How could I have ever felt that he was meeting my EN? Because he wrote me poetry? My marriage has more substance than that...
Thanks again for letting me vent and for all the advice. I am starting to come out of the fog, I think. Just please pray for me that I'll have the strength to continue to do the right thing.

The beginning of the end of the affair is the realization that the OP is NOT the person you cracked them up to be. <p>My H, before he had the affair, blamed me for his "having to get involved with another person to get his needs met"..HA...He began in very short order, to resent his OW for "presurring him into sex". He ALSO missed the flirting..and wished it could go back to the way it was before it became so emotional.You sound very much like him.
He posted here for awhile last March...under the name "unbeleivable"(Sp)...I think something that was very eye opening for him was the realization that his A was NOT special..It started exactly like everyone elses,the feelings were the exact same..even the words out of his mouth to me and to her were words that are said in EVERY affair.He was not special,neither was she...it was sleazy and made him feel dirty...Just took awhile to get thru the justification..It took some reading for him to see that..I tried to tell him but he didn't want to hear that from me...BUt when he saw the EXACT phrases he used on some website...He saw the common-ness..<p>You will either tell or not tell your H..Sure, he will be devastated..NO ONE was more devastated that I..This crap is absolute anethma to me.AND WE ARE STILL HERE...It will be 30 yrs in Feb.<p> You will not be doing this for yourself..It is NOT selfish to tell..It IS selfish to NOT tell and keep your secret in your heart and not share the depths of your soul with him. YOU HAVE ALREADY HURT HIM..YOU HAVE ALREADY RISKED YOUR MARRIAGE...Your H just isn't aware..the damage is done..and the right thing to do is bring him into the reality. I don't want anyone hurt by this...but how can he KNOW his own LIFE if he is unaware of the effect? And how will you know he REALLY wants YOU,even though you have been unfaithful..He wants you now under false pretenses..because you don't trust him enough let him handle the truth. It will be horrible..you will laugh together (eventually), you will cry together...and you will recover together...As it is now, he will be left out.<p>WSs justify the not telling by saying that they don't want to take the risk..that the BS can't take it..they will lose their M..You DID stuff..there are consequences to the stuff you did...Don't take the easy way...LEARN from it,both of you.

You CAN do this, Neverthought!<p>Please believe me, IF you completely stop ALL contact with OM and REALLY focus on your marriage: 3 months from now you will feel relieved that this stress is gone; 6 months from now you will realize that you kept SO much more than you gave up; a year from now, as you look into your H's eyes and tell him you love him, you will wonder what you ever saw in OM. <p>I promise, when it's done you will only be glad you did the right thing. This may all seem overwhelming right now, but it will be easier than you think. Just make the concrete decision that you will no longer be selfishly concerned about your own TEMPORARY desires. In the long run, getting out of the affair feels 1000 times better than any stupid conversation or e-mail exchange with OM. Trust me.

You CAN do this! Keep posting here, pray, and read the books the others have mentioned on this thread...they are very helpful. <p>Lori<p>[ June 12, 2002: Message edited by: at peace ]</p>

Oh atpeace, how WELL said...it is EXACTLY how my H feels about the OW that he ditched all his self-respect for...that he "had feelings" for..He DID but the feelings were friendship and some caring and mostly EGO. VERY clear now, 2yrs later. <p>He caused himself so much pain...and it would have been MUCH worse if he hadn't ended it because we would be divorced. He would have lost himself,if he didn't have me. I would have been happy long before he was.He sure as hell wasn't gonna wind up with HER. Think about introducing your kids to this OM..eeeewww

at peace - your words of wisdom help me so much. I am only beginning to realize the extent of the hurt I have brought upon myself and my family. In thinking about when/how/whether to tell my husband everything, I'm wondering if I would want to know if I were in his position. I think that I couldn't forgive, which is probably why I think he wouldn't be able to forgive me.
It is amazing that the sentiments heard in an A are so similar across the board. How could I be stupid enough to fall for words such as, "This isn't cheap - it is soooooo much more." He made me think that I saved his life, that I made him "feel" again, that what we had was important to him. Now I feel so incredibly stupid and I can't believe that I fell for it. How needy am I that those lines worked on me? Please tell me how to get over feeling like a fool and, even feeling that, getting over the OM. How can I still be missing his words and the "specialness" that I thought we shared. IT was all an illusion, wasn't it?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by neverthought:
<strong>...How could I be stupid enough to fall for words such as, "This isn't cheap - it is soooooo much more." He made me think that I saved his life, that I made him "feel" again, that what we had was important to him. Now I feel so incredibly stupid and I can't believe that I fell for it. How needy am I that those lines worked on me? Please tell me how to get over feeling like a fool and, even feeling that, getting over the OM. How can I still be missing his words and the "specialness" that I thought we shared. IT was all an illusion, wasn't it?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You know, the OM probably believed the words you described, etc., as he was saying them. I remember telling my OM that he was my 'soulmate' (blech!) and I convinced myself that I believed that so I wouldn't feel so horrible about what I was feeling and doing. It's called "fog", and it does evaporate when the affair is over. <p>The first thing I did was trash anything that reminded me of OM. I even traded in my car because it was a trigger for me. I started going to church with a listening heart, instead of just hearing ears. My H and I started spending most of our free time together learning how to be best friends. I asked God to help me change if my FWH couldn't change, and guess what? We both changed for the better. When I started being a great wife and person, FWH turned to me like a flower to sunshine. He's now a wonderful husband -- and we're both so much stronger and wiser. <p>Take a few calming breaths ... if you start to call OM, just make yourself pick up the phone and call your husband or a family member instead. Don't give away any more of your self respect or dignity. The past is just that - past. None of us can un-do what we've done, but we can repent and keep moving forward. (Repent = ask forgiveness then turn around and go the opposite direction; NOT just be sorry for what we did).<p>Glad I could help a little. I've wished many times I had this site during/after my FWH's affairs - and BEFORE I started one of my own. You've got good tools now, so please use them.<p>Lori

Neverthought,<p>I read all the posts on this thread, and all I could think of was that line you wrote... "I really need a kick in the pants"...<p>Imagine... Imagine for a moment one day you come home. You have been working, teaching, talking to OM even, and you come back home, to the place you believe is safe, to your children, those who love you, look up to you, and respect you.<p>They look at you and they see their mother, somebody that would never harm them or put them into situations in which they would suffer.
They look at you and see somebody, that they may want to be when they become adults. <p>"My mom is great! She is a wonderful person!"<p>Think also of those who you teach, you ARE a teacher, you are an example, your job is to help people grow and learn, what you do impacts more people than you could even think of.<p>You see your husband, loving, caring, trusting. He has never done anything to harm you, has helped provide for your family, and the poor man hasn't even had a chance to know from YOU what are those NEW needs you have discovered. It is so difficult to write them down, and talk it over...<p>You go on, meeting OM, talking to him, sharing feelings, nearly even bodies, oh so wonderful. Too bad it is so ugly, so dirty, so cheap, so... lazy.<p>Everytime he tells you he loves you he stabs you, you cannot move away because the sting of the love is too strong, you are a failed heroine, who cannot find the strength to fight back something like this. You are human, you hurt, you cry, but instead of taking a stand you decide... too difficult, too time consuming, I'll sit and wait untill it goes away.<p>Too bad it doesn't. It stays, because you let it, it circles you everyday, through your holidays, through your sleep, through anything.<p>But you sit, and wait. Your husband notices something is weird, he is starting to stumble across all the knives you keep pulling off your back, and since you have nothing to stop you, not even your will you create new wounds everytime you say "I love you" to the OM, everytime you decide it would put you on a "tight" spot to tell the truth.<p>Think as if, everytime you lie, you kick your husband, real hard, where you can hurt him most. He falls on his knees, crying, asks whats wrong, you deny to answer and kick him again, he is now in the floor, crying, telling you he loves you, and you kick him again, hard, in the head.<p>Each kick, is each lie, each kick is each kiss, each detail, each moment of intimacy you shared with the OM, and what keeps your husband down, is that you won't find in your heart enough love, enough compassion to tell him the truth.<p>Being an addict is difficult, yes it hurts, but your hurt won't even measure to the damage you are causing right now, already, as it is, a damage that will go on rampant, as long as you don't open your heart and tell the truth.<p>You think you can live with this? I can tell you, I sure hope not, because that, that would turn you into one of the worse persons I have ever known. And if you cant, then you might as well get off of it NOW, because it will turn you into a sad excuse of a woman, and that will not benefit anybody at all.<p>
(Sorry if I sounded harsh, but, the truth sometimes can be the worst of things to look at)

As a BS I say tell him. When I didn't know about the affair, I would do things innocently that would make my H mad. I felt they were small and trivial. Because he had someone to turn to, they were big deals to him. They were blown out of proportion and drove him closer to the OW. Had he tried to tell me his needs which he did not maybe we would not be in our situation. The EA is very strong. He is having a difficult time seeing any redeeming qualities that I posess. It is very had being betrayed and doing all the work to keep your spouse once the bond is that strong. Tell him and clear the air!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>He made me think that I saved his life, that I made him feel again, and that what we had was important to him.....<hr></blockquote><p>Are these things missing from your own marriage?<p>Do you want to end this A....REALLY?<p>Do you want your M to continue on the same way it has?<p>If you don't tell him(YOUR H) that you are unhappy, and you are, then you will continue to only cover up the wounds instead of giving them what they need to heal. You'll stay M for year after year all the while the cycle will just repeat itself.
Even though you feel guilty about this A, if you don't fix what needs to be fixed within yourself and your M, you'll probably have another A and another. <p>In the 14 yrs with your H, something was missing that led you to this A. Being RADICALLY HONEST with yourself and your H is the only way to change things in your M. <p>There is some sort of payoff for holding onto this A and the OM. Maybe it made you feel like a woman again....a school girl. It made you feel needed, loved, and beautiful/sexy again. It made you feel that passion that you once felt for your H. That passion you thought you'd never feel again. It makes you feel important, alive, new, and more. The list goes on. Why are you holding onto this? Doing this?<p>Deep down only you know why. Only you can make choices for yourself. Just remember, there is a consequence to every action and the truth always has a way of coming out. "The truth will set you free." <p>Sweety, this OM is not the man you want. He is just the easy way out. He is just a crutch. You are using him as well as he is using you. It's time to walk on your own. Be strong. Tell your H. NOW!!! <p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

There is some sort of payoff for holding onto this A and the OM. Maybe it made you feel like a woman again....a school girl. It made you feel needed, loved, and beautiful/sexy again. It made you feel that passion that you once felt for your H. That passion you thought you'd never feel again. It makes you feel important, alive, new, and more. The list goes on. Why are you holding onto this? Doing this?<p>You've hit the nail on the head. In numerous emails that I've written (but never sent) to OM, trying to figure out why I did what I did and end it, I thanked him for making me feel desireable, even with three kids at home. The weird thing is, my husband compliments me all the time, but somehow it is different when it comes from OM, I guess. But I also thank him for helping me see what an honest, trustworthy guy my husband is. My H puts OM to shame in so many ways. I even made a list of pros and cons and my H wins hands down...so why do I still have the attraction to OM? It is killing me...

Don't you think attractions are part of life? I can't tell you how many men I have been attracted to...and vice-versa. Never acted on it...because I recognize that they WANT that thing from me that I am not willing to give. So I flirt...and then back off..so they don't get the wrong idea. Instead of telling a man I am attracted, I tell him it will go NO further because I love my H. And it is amazing how quickly,once they realize I MEAN it, THEY back off. What does THAT tell me..That is all about that one thing!<p>I am 47,three kids,married 29 yrs..my H NEVER complimented me,ever. For whatever reason, my confidence came from within...Don't really know why or how..I KNOW I am desireable. I have been approached all my life. Less as time marches on but I was content to not have that "feeling" again in my life..I Still won't have it..as long as I stay M and that is what I want. Being married is better than that feeling.<p>I am slightly envious of you and my H and others who allowed that feeling to take over...I LOVED it as a teenager..I had a new guy every weekend,I was QUEEN of that feeling. It has waxed and waned over the years but in my marriage, I DID have that feeling with my H,sometimes...Not since the affair and NOW probably REALLY never. <p>Isn't THAT why we all stay married? B/c we love our spouses and for the highs that offset the lows?

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Why do I continue to have this attraction to the OM....it is killing me!<hr></blockquote><p>Speaking from experience, until all contact stops with the OM, you will never know otherwise. Even then, the attraction will probably still be there. <p>This OM has filled your love bank up so much. It has got you on a high. Your H may have not put in as much into your bank all these years, so that is why you still look towards the OM and the newness this A has given you. Even if you do stop contact at this point, being the OM has put into your love bank all that he has, you will feel the same feeling for the OM no matter what the distance or time has past. <p>If you want things to change, you have to give your H a chance to build up your love bank. He may have to surpass the OM's credits before you feel the change. You also have to give your H more opportunities to fill your bank. I guarantee you, if you put your all into your H like you do the OM, you will not even think twice about the OM or your loyalty to your H.(if you end it with OM NOW) PLEASE, don't dishonor and disrespect your H by thinking ending it slowly is the answer. Weening yourself away....please [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] , won't due. It's all or nothing in my book. <p>You are part to blame for all this. It will take you to end this thing. So, it may take a act of selfishness or meanness towards the OM to get things rollin between you and your H and not you and this OM. That is the risk you will have to take. He'll get over it your H may not. If you really want it to end, then end it. <p>I think you are still holding onto that feeling that telling your H is a big mistake. Aren't you? Yet, you feel you will not get caught. He doesn't have to know.... I will end it next week... no, next week... oh, just one more day..... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] Stop the madness, sweetie. <p>I really feel you need to drop the contact with the OM. Being the summer is coming, it will help. Stop calling and sending him messages! AND LOOKING FOR AND EXCEPTING HIS! Put a block on his address if you have to. If you love your H like you say, then you will do what it takes to protect him and your M.<p>Sweetie, I know what you are doing. Been there done that. No matter how you justify it to yourself, you are living a fantasy. It is not real life. You are M or you are not. There is no in between. Make your choice. Regardless how you feel or how hard you think it is, it has to be done. <p>We all know that you are in so much fog now that it may take you falling on your face to see. We are just trying to cushion your fall a bit [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Don't let it get any further than it has already. If you keep this up, you'll be one of the MBers going through Plan B(like me and my H), or on a verge of divorce crying cause you don't want it, or calling yourself dumb and stupid because you didn't take the advice you heard and learned here. <p>Your H deserves better, don't you think? Being he "outways the OM", like you said.....<p>What's it going to take? Stop stalling. Stop thinking what if. No! You won't be missing anything. No! You won't be hurting the OM. No! He is not your soulmate. No! You can't be friends with him. No! You don't owe the OM anything. No! He doesn't love you. No! You cannot keep hiding this. No! You don't love him. No! You won't be happier with the OM. Need I go on.....? Grab hold to your H and your M before it's too late. <p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

Neverthought. I shared your story with my WH last night. It gave me some insights to maybe what he was feeling and I think it helped. I don't know if this will help or not but when I told my husband I knew and that I was going to support him because I loved him and believed in him the first words out of his mouth were ,"I thought you were going to hate me." 2 years ago I might have. But I didn't hate him, I love him so much I could never hate him. Your H already has a one up to the rest of us. You know what you are doing is wrong and you are reaching out for help. For him half the battle has already been one before he knew there was a battle. Try to find away to tell him. Be strong and realize you want to get out of that fog.
"The longest journey begins with a single step..."
Hugs to you!
Layli

Intheclouds and layli - thank you so much for your words of advice - you are so very accurate, almost as if you know me...but I guess my situation isn't new or unique. I appreciate your kind words, without accusation or anger. I know that there are many BS out there who can't understand the other point of view, so I sincerely appreciate your honesty and help. I'm reading and rereading what you both posted, trying to gain strength to do what is right and good. It is a constant struggle, but I know that with your help, I'll make it back to being the good, moral person I once was. Please keep me in your prayers - and I'll keep you in mine.

Just please don't give up. I wish I could see into the future to the day when my husbands fog lifts. He said a little last night, I believe he needed attention. So I am trying to give that to him. I know it is scary thinking about telling your husband. Just keep breaking it off with the OM and put a lot of deposits in your love bank with your husband.
Thinking of you.
And thank you for showing your courage.
If you weren't a moral, just person already you wouldn't be looking for help [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
You are in my prayers
Layli