From GIFT FROM THE SEA, written by Anne Morrow Lindbergh<p>~~~~~~~<p>
...And in this image of the pendulum swinging in easy rhythm between opposite poles, is there not a clue to the problem of relationships as a whole? Is there not here even a hint of an understanding and an acceptance of the wing'ed life of relationships, of their eternal ebb and flow, of their inevitable intermittency? "The life of the spirit," said Saint Exupery, " the veritable life, is intermittant and only the life of the mind is constant ... The spirit ... alternates between total vison and absolute blindness. Here is a man, for example, who loves his farm - but there are moments when he sees it in only a collection of unrelated objects. Here is a man who loves his wife - but there are moments when he sees nothing but burdens, hinderances, constraints. Here is a man who loves music - but there are moments when it cannot reach him."<p>The "veritable life" of our emotions and our relationships is also intermittant. When you love someone you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. It is an impossibility. It is even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is exactly what most of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permancy, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern. The only real security is not in owning or possesing, not in demanding or expecting, not in hoping, even. Security in a relationship lies neither in looking back to what it was in nostalgia, nor forward to what it might be in dread or anticipation, but living in the present relationship and accepting it as it is now. For relationships, too, must be like islands. One must accept them for what they are here and now, within their limits - islands, surrounded and interrupted by the sea, continually visited and abandoned by the tides. One must accept the security of the wing'ed life, of ebb and flow, of intermittency.<p>Perhaps this is the most important thing for me to take back from beach-living: simply the memory that each cycle of the tide is valid; each cycle of the wave is valid; each cycle of a relationship is valid.<p>~~~~~~~~~~<p>Strength and courage to all who are experiencing the ebb of their relationship.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks, Pepper...very good!<p>I've missed your comments in my ongoing saga....

{{{SPACECADET}}}<p>This IS my comment on your ongoing dilemma! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Further observations ... micromanaging is not helpful when applied to wives or your marriage relationship. Put your arms around your dilemma and embrace it as the ebb of your relationship ... and know you can be patient for the flow to return.<p>Go howl at the moon ... and dance with your ancestors .... plant your creative imagination ... get a little wild. Stop looking at every little moment as if you were looking through a camcorder .... put the camera down and be IN THE MOMENT ... enjoy your wife. She's doing the best she can, at the moment.<p>Love and respect,<p>Pepperino [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Pepper! You inspire me! Thanks for this post - it really hit me hard. I, too, look at things in this crazy saga through the camcorder and I know I need to put it down. <p>Thank you! Thank you! Thanks you!
Llama

Pepper! You are Terrific!<p>I think I noticed you lived in SoCal... any chance of meeting for lunch sometime this summer? <p>Cali<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: Cali ]</p>

Hey Pepper:<p>That quote reminded me of another King Crimson song, "Islands." I can't recall all the lyrics now, so I'll look them up later, but I can't help but wonder if they were inspired by that quote of yours.<p>Good point made to SC, too. Please check out my thread at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=001648 for an update on the wild ride I've been on this past week, and then check out my response to hcii's letter to his W at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=018331&p=2. <p>Danged if I don't feel pretty much at peace this morning, and I owe it all to MB and my plan A. SC pointed out to me on my thread that I hadn't tossed my W out, when OMW has, and that "message" couldn't have even been lost on my W (funny that I didn't even notice the significance!). I'm going to do my level best to make this MC the best we've ever had, simply by not being a [censored], insisting on progress NOW, or to he!! with her! I'm going to focus on the "for better or for worse" and on my own positive reactions to the latest pieces of news from my W. And, though she's still very fogged and says hurtful things still, she is still very loving at times, and so I want to be helpful, not hurtful, to her growth from this experience, whether it means we have a future together or not.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Pepperband:
<strong>{{{SPACECADET}}}<p>This IS my comment on your ongoing dilemma! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Further observations ... micromanaging is not helpful when applied to wives or your marriage relationship. Put your arms around your dilemma and embrace it as the ebb of your relationship ... and know you can be patient for the flow to return.<p>Go howl at the moon ... and dance with your ancestors .... plant your creative imagination ... get a little wild. Stop looking at every little moment as if you were looking through a camcorder .... put the camera down and be IN THE MOMENT ... enjoy your wife. She's doing the best she can, at the moment.<p>Love and respect,<p>Pepperino [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Were it that life were so simple...

Pepper:<p>"Go howl at the moon ... and dance with your ancestors ...."<p>I send out gratefulness in four directions!

Cali ... you've got mail!

Pepper:<p>I found the lyrics to that King Crimson song I pointed out this morning, and now that everyone else is asleep, I've got some quiet time alone to reflect. If you're not familiar, the "good" KC was back in the 70's, and though some of it was pretty hard and "noisy" (as my W would say), this song was very melodious and beautiful:<p>Islands - King Crimson<p>"Earth, stream and tree encircled by sea
Waves sweep the sand from my island.
My sunsets fade.
Field and glade wait only for rain
Grain after grain love erodes my
High weathered walls which fend off the tide
Cradle the wind
to my island.<p>Gaunt granite climbs where gulls wheel and glide
Mournfully cry o'er my island.
My dawn bride's veil, damp and pale,
Dissolves in the sun.
Love's web is spun - cats prowl, mice run
Wreathe snatch-hand briars where owls know my eyes
Violet skies
Touch my island,
Touch me.<p>Beneath the wind turned wave
Infinite peace
Islands join hands
'Neathe heaven's sea.<p>Dark harbour quays like fingers of stone
Hungrily reach from my island.
Clutch sailor's words - pearls and gourds
Are strewn on my shore.
Equal in love, bound in circles.
Earth, stream and tree return to the sea
Waves sweep sand from my island,
from me.<p>Beneath the wind turned wave
Infinite peace
Islands join hands
'Neathe heaven's sea."