Thanks for answering my questions and reposting. I don't get here as often as I used to. <p>As for knowing my story....sorry.....TOO MANY links to be able to post them in one post....LOL<p>Short story:<p>My sister found H kissing OW in OW's car one morning..H was her boss..told him to tell me or she would.
I had my suspicions before this...he denied it.
We decided to work it out.
2 weeks later the OW's H calls me and let's me in on what he JUST found out....continued contact.
H left...stayed with his parents. Came home under false pretenses 5 days later.
2 months of my own hell....not trusting....talking to much....and then I get another call from OW's H again....continued contact.<p>H leaves again...this time staying in hotels with the OW....at her expense.
Easter Sunday of 2001...H and I and our daughters meet at his parents for dinner.
Me and the girls left for my families outing and H and his parents had heated words....his parents disowned him.
I decided not to go to my family outing for some reason......H ended up at OUR house....walked from his parents house....LONG WALK.
H not sure why he eneded up there....said that it must mean that he was meant to be with me and the girls. This was after 6 days of him being away.<p>2 1/2 months go by....very rocky....me not knowing how to deal with withdrawl.....which really never took place since he never stopped seeing the OW. Went on family vacation and 2 weeks after we got home H said he was unhappy....didn't love me and couldn't. He'd tried everything he could think of to make himself love me...just couldn't. OW supposedly didn't have anything to do with this....I later found that to be a lie.<p>H finally moves out again.....my sister takes him in as a roomate since she is getting divorced. In her opinion....some things just don't work out.<p>Seperated 1 month and H starts actng wierd....calling ME more often....inviting ME along with him and the girls.
I get to the point where I am over it....actually went on a date.<p>H went nuts....though still seeing the OW the whole time. I accepted it...even set up a time and a place for the OW to meet our daughters.....had to leave the building when this happened. Was NOT a good idea.<p>H still contacting me more and more....actually talking about us possibly being back together....during this time I actually became the OW....he was sneaking around to be with me.....lying to the OW....finding excuses to not be with her...so and so. I put an end to this and told him that I couldn't take having what I wanted and then having to leave him knowing that he would go and be with her when I left.<p>Early Septemember 2001 H tells me that him and OW were not getting along. Didn't help that my H didn't like her kids. Says he is going to break it off with her. I told him that I would believe it when I saw it. Not pressuring him to come home at all at this point....just being there for him.<p>End of September....H and OW mutually call off relationship.<p>2 weeks later H is FINALLY committed to working on our marriage....and asks me and the girls to move in with him.<p>She worked there for 2 more months...but not under my H....they had their annual shut down around Christmas and she never went back to work there. She eventually got back with her now XH and they have moved to a different city.<p>We lost our house because of my H's A....are financially depleted....and live with his parents until we can afford to rent a house.
The last time my H left he had everyone convinced that the OW had NOTHING to do with it....and when they thought the time was right they made it public that they were together.
My family accepted it....his did not.
His parents disowned him...asked for all their keys back and refused to speak with him.<p>Now....as I look back on that...even though I'm not far into recover....it seems like someone elses story.<p>It's been rocky for me and my H....but we have a totally new relationship...and we work on things daily.....even today we still have things to work out....but we do it together now.<p>I just had to bide my time and wait for the A to die a natural death....I found out the hard way that you can't stop it by forcing it to stop.<p>Hope my info helps in any way....feel free to ask any ?'s you may have and I will elaborate more of my story.<p>
As for recovery.<p>There are alot of false starts in alot of situations....I had 3 false starts at recovery. I really knew we were in recovery when my H took the reins and made the effort to save the M.<p>In the beginning of recovery and not too long ago we still had problems with money.....H spending it and not telling me. I'm glad to say that now my H tells me when or even if he's thinking of spending money.....this was a big problem before the A even happened.<p>We still have a bit of a problem as in I think that my H makes big decisions without consulting me about them first....but he is getting better.

Miss P -<p>Thanks for sharing your story. So did you go out on that date? I've already been asked out twice since the separation - both are men friends that I've known for years and neither posed the question as a "date" but a "let's get together," etc. <p>The difference between me and my H is I'm better at setting boundaries with ppl on the outside, just terrible at keeping boundaries with H and ppl I love and cherish - isn't that always the truth?<p>I've declined both guys for now and said we could touch base in more of a group setting, etc. - they both know all my friends, etc.<p>I'm feeling like I'm getting the hang of being by myself. It's actually nice being able to eat when I want or don't want to eat - walk the dog when I want to, etc.<p>My H is alot of talk and no action. He starts things and never finishes them - loves work/hates work. Loves family/hates family. He's always been very extreme - everything is black or white. Deep down I know that this is the core of some of our major issues. <p>Money was an issue with us - once he got his debt paid, we combined everything and we're doing really well. Now that we are separate (know that I originally was saying we could look at this separation as a joint thing/keep the money together, etc.), he has charged up credit cards, bought a rolex (hello???), new computer (already had two), etc. Has taken almost 3 weeks of vacation since d-day and has seen OW 3x.<p>It's crazy sounding I know. Makes me feel a bit better knowing I'm not the only one. <p>I feel much better about the whole thing and am really reaching in to get to know myself and "love" myself again. And, it feels good. He's noticing, but I'm doing it for me. <p>Honestly, I don't know how much longer I will be able to ride this out. My love bank is emptying out slowly. I know I love him and I deeply care for him - but sometimes I feel it's just not enough. Although this sounds sad, I'm okay - it's weird. I think I go in phases of being ok and being not ok.<p>Keep in touch,
Llama Hhugs,
Llama

llama,<p>I did go out on that date. One of the worst decisions I ever made.<p>My H went absolutely nuts....he couldn't function at work and called me on my cell phone about 17 times that day. Remember....he was supposed to be happily involved with the OW at this point....we had been seperated for about 2 months at this point.
I went to St. Louis on an overnight trip with this guy.....and nothing happened.<p>I can't say that for the 2nd time I went to his house when invited. I was almost raped by a friend of his. Still haunts me to this day....but I am dealing with it.
You can read the whole story here:<p>Don't let this happen to you.<p>I got asked out too many times to count.....but that was before I was ready to move on. I have to say that I feel bad now for pretty much using this guy......to see how my H would react....but for me it worked. It's what made my H realize what exactly WAS going on. He'd told me so many times to find someone else...that we were getting divorced...that finally....I got a wild hair up my butt and decided to call him on it....and he didn't like the way he felt while I was gone.....lol....neither did the OW. My sister filled me in on all the details....she said she couldn't help but laugh at the way he was acting.<p>I know exactly how your feeling.<p>You'd be amazed at how long you can actually hang on....if you really want it bad enough.<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: Miss Priss ]</p>

Thanks again for sharing Miss P -
I do live in St. Louis, how's that for a coincidence? Are you in MO or in IL?<p>Llama Hhugs,
Llama

llama,<p>I live in Indiana.<p>I went to St. Louis on an overnight trip with the guy I went out with.

Miss Priss [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] I'm so glad you pop in from time to time [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>OK... I'm gonna play Oprah for a minute and interview you a little bit for the benefit of our studio audience [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>What kinds of things did you do in Plan A?<p>Do you think you avoided LB's? What kinds of EN's were you able to meet for him while he was waffling, and while you were separated?<p>[ June 12, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

Faith1....thank you. By the way....I luuuuv Oprah and Dr Phil. Not merely for the advice that he gives but for his up front way of getting to the point of things.<p>To answer your ?'s.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> What kinds of things did you do in Plan A? <hr></blockquote><p>The first thing I did was work on me. I changed things that I didn't like about myself.<p>I had always been so uptight and overbearing about things.....so I lightened up...to the relief of everyone around me especially my daughters who I'd always been so overprotective of.<p>I started looking at things from other peoples point of view....where as before, I had my view and stuck to it.<p>I started learning how to be more independant. I had always depended on my H for EVERYTHING....so with him gone it was a little easier to do. Actually I was forced to do this with him gone....but I needed it.<p>In the end I ended up doing a 180....but before I got there I went from doing a 90 to a 360 to a 180.....old habits are hard to break...lol<p>While in Plan A I realized what it was that put our marriage in such a bad state before the A itself.<p>The fact that I had taken on the role of MOMMY and forgot the fact that I was also a WIFE.
I pushed my H away emotionally and physically and actually began treating him like one of the children most of the time. Thinking that one day when the girls were older there would be time for me and my H. Boy was I wrong.....the time has to always be there and the lines of communication always have to be there.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Do you think you avoided LB's? What kinds of EN's were you able to meet for him while he was waffling, and while you were separated? <hr></blockquote><p>LOL....those who know me well know that I was not one to avoid LB's.
I'm still not avoiding them....but it seems to be working for me. It shows my H that my self confidence is still there. It shows him that I'm willing to stand up for myself or anyone that I love. He likes the fact that I say what's on my mind....but will admit that he thinks sometimes when I do this I should really keep my mouth shut....lol<p>I do however avoid disrespectful judgments and my temper is definately NOT what it used to be. I'm more layed back now...don't get angry and fly off the handle like I used to.<p>Example: 1 year ago if I were to get a call from a certain person who could tell me that something was going with my H, I would call him at work expecting to just talk to him calmly but would end up yelling at him.....getting nowhere.
NOW: I calmly take everything in....wait until he gets home from work and wait for the RIGHT time to talk to him about it and listen to what he has to say about it.<p>I can't say that I was able to meet many needs wile he was waffling or while we were seperated......BUT....I filled a MAJOR one the whole time all this was going on and he admitted this over and over.<p>I was his best friend....his shoulder to lean on.
While all this was going on AND while we were seperated he called or talked to ME when he was feeling low or didn't know how to handle something...or just wanted to talk.<p>Even when he was with the OW while we were seperated for 3 months he would call me and tell me that they were having trouble. I still wanted him to come hom at this point.....but I knew that by being his best friend and just being there for him that in the end....he would see who would always be there for him.<p>I'm not sure what it was....but the last time we were seperated I never called him....unless the girls wanted to talk to him. I actually tried to avoid all his phone calls.....and there were ALOT....but I still had this feeling that deep down...if I just bided my time that he would come to his senses and that one day he would truly be ready to work on our marriage.<p>The first thing I had to get through my head was that the A had to die a natural death....I couldn't have anything at all to do with it.<p>It did die a natural death....my H and the OW called it off mutually without ANY pressure from me at all. There were still phone calls here and there.....but now we are going on 6 months of NO CONTACT AT ALL....and things are going great!<p>I think Oprah and Dr Phil would be proud....LOL [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks Miss Priss! That was some great answers!!!<p>I think your PLan A was very good.... we BS's get very nervous about doing a "perfect" plan A. It doesn't have to be perfect. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'm so happy you are doing well!!! Yay you!!!<p>I hope you'll continue to drop in from time to time with updates and encouragement.<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>