We're covered in a blanket of smoke, but it seems like WW's fog may be clearing a bit. This might be the final stage of the A and definitely proof that it isn't time to go to Plan B yet.<p>I had taken D-1 out for dinner to spend some much needed quality time with her and she mentioned that WW had been on the internet chatting with someone for over 3 hours. I asked if she knew who (like I didn't know) and she said that it was "that jerk". Then, she told me that over the weekend, WW left a couple of times to go run a quick errand and was gone for over an hour on each occasion. Well, this got me interested because I had some suspicions that something might be amiss in fantasyland.<p>When I brought her back, I was looking around the house and couldn't help but notice how bad the place looked, I mean the house is looking really run-down, both inside and out. So, I asked WW if she is going to be able to take care of this place by herself, or if she is going to need to hire someone to help with it. During the conversation, WW asked me why I didn't do more to help out, said it was still my house and I should take care of it. I told her that it was her idea to be separated, her idea to force me from the home and her choice to continue this relationship with OM and I have made it clear that as long as he is a part of her life, I wont be. Well, she told me that it was finally over between them, that she cant handle the crap he gives her and that she cant even stand the thought of being with him anymore. I just said that I have heard this same line too many times to believe it, but hoped that it was for real this time. I finished by telling her it was obvious to everyone how destructive her relationship is with him and hoped that someday she would realize it. I left it at that and didn't say anything else.<p>I can be certain that within a week WW is going to want to talk to me about where we stand and what our future plans are. I'm not betting on anything yet and am not getting my hopes up, been down that road too many times. But, the frequency and intensity of WW saying its over seems to be picking up a bit, I think this is the third time in a little over a month. Just going to keep on my course of Plan A with a distance and see where it goes.

Yep, slow but sure, it could be on its last legs.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by loveherstill:
<strong>I told her that it was her idea to be separated, her idea to force me from the home and her choice to continue this relationship with OM and I have made it clear that as long as he is a part of her life, I wont be.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I recommend you be real careful with stuff like this. Of course you are correct, but if you rub her nose in it too much, she may not feel safe in revealing more and leaning on you.<p>WAT

LHS-
Hello. Sounds like things are moving in a good direction. Your answers to her are excellent-I like your plan. Do you know what you want to say when she does want to talk?
-CS

WAT- your right (as usual) about not rubbing her nose in this stuff, and that is not my intentions at all. I just needed to let her know what the facts are and I will leave it at that. I will not bring up the A, M, OM or our future anymore, I'll let her make that step again.<p>CS- Not sure what I am going to say, but I am going to do more listening and observing than talking. The only thing I want to talk about is how we can get our M back on track, make it better than it ever was and how we can become a family again. When the time is right, I want to know what it is I can do to accomplish these goals and what WW wants from me to do the same thing. That's really it, I don't want to talk about OM or what he has done or anything related to the A (although I know WW will want to, so I will just have to bite my tongue and listen.)<p>This new direction of mine is really helping me be strong. I can now take things like what WW said and not get overly excited about what may or may not happen. Its almost like I have completely detached myself and am looking at the situation from a third-party perspective, it really keeps me focused on the facts and away from the emotions. So for now, I will just continue to sit back and pay attention to WW's actions, see if what she does agrees with what she says.<p>If what I am seeing is correct, OM is really LB-ing this relationship to death. He is everything I said he was and is doing exactly the things I knew he would. I told WW a long time ago what kind of person he is and what he would do, wonder if WW will ever tell me "LHS- You were exactly right, why didn't I listen to you?" <p>If a man says something in a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, does that mean he is still wrong? [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

"If a man says something in a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, does that mean he is still wrong? "<p>Yes, smart@ss, it does, LOL!!<p>You are smart to be cautious. They could just be having a fight. Real progress will occur when she shows some REMOURSE, not just anger.

LHS,
Wow, what a long and winding road it turns out to be. We want it to be done overnight, but alas, it takes TIME! I guess God is giving us patience. Anyways, it looks like it's paying off. Your WW is blessed to have you still waiting, I hope she realizes that some day.
KK

Took another small step towards recovery last night….<p>While I was watching the kids yesterday, WW called, very distraught and told me how worthless she felt about everything she has done and how many lives she has ruined. Told me that she knows the kids hate her, her family hates her and that I hate her and she didn't know what to do anymore. She told me this isn't what she wants in life, that she wants stability, a close family and to have things the way they were before this whole A mess started.<p>I told her that together, we can get through this and become better people because of it. Told her that the first thing she needs to do is to stop all contact with OM, cold turkey, because every time she sees or talks to him, it confuses her and brings her down even further (she acknowledged this). Then I told her we need to sit down together and explain what needs we want to have met by each other and what it is we can do to help each other through this. Explained to her that for now, lets let the past be and concentrate on the here and now. there will be plenty of time to work through the pain of the A later on.<p>Later on, she called back and asked if I would stay the night with her when I brought the kids back. WW told me again that she wants to have the life we had before the A back and knows that it was me she loved all along. I hardly slept at all last night, just laid there in bed, holding WW and watching her sleep, thanking God that we are being given a chance to make things right. When I left this morning, she told me she loved me, first time I have heard that in a long time.<p>Hopefully we have finally turned the corner and can really start working towards a better M. I'm going to have to be real careful not to push anything and let things progress at its own pace. I know it wont be easy and there will be plenty of setbacks for both of us, but as long as we are working together towards the common goal, I know we can make it.<p>I'm optimistic, but very cautious for many reasons, so I guess we'll see how things go during the next couple of days. Funny thing is that D-3 told me the other day that all she wants for her birthday is for me and mom to get back together and be a family again.

LHS,
You have come a long way!!! Great job!!! I agree with you, baby steps, baby steps....
She mentioned that she wanted things the way it used to be. I said the same thing but realised soon that wont happen.
What I found was a brand new relationship with my WS that is now way better than what we "used to have".
When she is truly ready to repent, (turn around) you will see a change in her that is real. You will see her seeking help with books and or counseling.... then you will be able to let your guard down and make that new relationship happen because the old relatonship you had is gone.
You are doing great!!!!
One more thing, you mention God often. I encorage you to continue to seek His help and consider praying with your WS. This had a huge impact on my WS life and it caused her to focus more on God which is what I believe was the key to success.
Nothing makes me happier than to see a family stay together.
I am praying for you and your family right now.
SH

Good job, lhs. I can no longer help you, but that's good for you. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Recommend you get a post up on In Recovery real quick and schedule a session with Steve H. Get all the help you can becuase based on what I've read, this won't be easy and there's lots of land mines along the path.<p>Good job!!<p>WAT

Kneel before me faithful knight.<p>With this royal sword <<lightly touching your head>> I dub thee...<p>SIR LoveHerStill<p>Rise! SIR Knight .... you are a man among men!<p>I bow to your heart.<p>Pepper [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

LHS-
I've been having a challenging few days and I am SO happy to read your post. It has truly made me smile tonight.
I hope you continue your well thought-out efforts. You've done such a great job. Your wife is very lucky.
Cheers!
-CS

Hang in there lhs. I do feel the A is dying. Don't jump the gun just yet. Let it die. It will and you will get your chance.<p>Things with me and H are going great. It has been 8 months.<p>MB does work. Give it time. I know the pain time does cause but in the long run it is worth it.<p>Stay strong and God Bless<p>
SLH

WAT:<p>"I recommend you be real careful with stuff like this. Of course you are correct, but if you rub her nose in it too much, she may not feel safe in revealing more and leaning on you."<p>BINGO! When *I* realized I needed to stop saying things like this and work harder on making her feel safe, It made all the difference in the world. She's still in a fog, but I'm more able to recognize what's fog and what isn't, because she's getting more comfortable TALKING to me about things. I'm different, because her not being so on-edge about what *I* might do or say is having a positive impact on me and my attitude. POSITIVE FEEDBACK - ahhh!

"If a man says something in a forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, does that mean he is still wrong?"<p>Is a duck's butt waterproof?

LHS
All I can say is WOW!! I cried when I read your post, I am so happy for you. Baby steps has got you this far, and baby steps will get you the rest of the way. You've come a long way baby!! YOU HAVE DONE AN AWESOME JOB!! Your wife is one lucky woman and she will realize it once the rest of the fog lifts.
Hugs
BH