<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by worthatry:<p>To hurtbuthealing143, re: not telling OW's H: how would you like it if someone kept such a secret from you?[/QB]<hr></blockquote>

Worthatry, this is something I have struggled with and it seems there is no black or white answer. It would be major LB from what I have been told before. And some say I should tell know matter what my H thinks of it.<p>In all honesty---sometimes I wish I did not know and had to deal with the pain of knowing. I wish our marriage could have been repaired without the pain. <p>But that would not be honest or realistic....and if your relationship is not based on honesty it is not on solid ground.<p> And I know it is selfish in a way to not reveal this to OW spouse....but in this day and age I have my family's safety to think of. I have no idea what he is capable of or what his reaction would be....I do not even know what her spouse looks like....I do know there ph# and where they live. <p>I don't know what I would even say. I feel like telling just for revenge sometimes and I know that is wrong. Do me a favor...Think about it realistically--given my situation-- and tell me what you really think it would accomplish....and if it is worth risking the unknown and my families safety? <p>I am very torn on this. If this where someone I even had met before or knew anything about them to be able to judge if it was safe--I think I would have told by now. I do really feel bad for him. Sometimes I think of telling because of that; sometimes I just want to tell for revenge to her and I know that is wrong. <p>I do know that this person's mother-in-law knows-----that is the only person other than me. As far as I have been told by my h--there are only 3 people who know who the OW is---that is him, me, and her mother. <p>I am open for thoughtful, realistic suggestions..... I have thought of ways to reveal it without revealing my identity...but if it is true there are only 3 people who know; that would be obvious. I really don't feel good about this entire issue.... just another horrible affair thing to deal with. It is all a really sad mess.
<img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

I'm definately not WAT....as he is much smarter and has more experience at this.....but<p>IMHO.....I think that the statement is meant more to the affect of......you know...and you know the pain of knowing what you know....and the OW's H also DESERVES to know.<p>More like.....if you didn't know what you already know....would you want to know if your H was having an A or would you rather be left in the dark?<p>Her H also deserves to know so that he can make a decision on what he wants to do with his life.<p>You said that you have your family's safety to think of......good to see that YOU are thinking of it....obviously your H never has.<p>Sorry to sound harsh about your H....but seriously.....do you really think that only 3 peope know about the A? I'd wager that alot more people than you think know.

Actually, I do think it is possible only three people know (beside ow herself) of who BOTH WS's are. <p>I understood where wat was coming from....based on more detail I had written in another post. You are correct...my H was just plain NOT THINKING as far as this entire situation goes.<p>I do know OW's husband is a foreign gentlemen--middleeast with a very different culture, religion and opinion on women/marriage. That is ow's problem-she chose him. My concern is just how far over the deep end he could go if he found out. <p>We have had unfaithful spouses shot & killed in our area....people can flip out sometimes. I surprised myself on the boundaries I drew and did not cross in such a crazy time of my life,<p>Any body else wanna tell?!! Just kidding. In all seriousness....can anyone tell me a realistic way to go about this? I am going to be talking to my counselor again soon about this very thing. And then I will talk to my husband about it.<p>Maybe I could call the pastor of the church they go to and he can counsel them!!! Do they take confessions by proxy?! just trying to keep my sense of humour. sometimes you gotta just laugh--it sure beats crying.<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: hurtbuthealing143 ]</p>

After 3 months of knowing about the A, I did tell owh. He already knew and I wish he had told me. He did call our home once and ask to speak with my h. I answered the phone. <p>We talked a few more times after that as A started up again. He ended up doing his own investigative work and learned that there were many more besides my h. <p>Being that this man is of a different culture than our own, I would speak to a counselor about it. If you do this because of revenge, it will blow up in your face. That's God's business. That's why it took me 3 months before I made contact. I had my h's permission but he thought I had changed my mind. The A had restarted by that time. Sure threw a kink in that situation.<p>One thing that did come out of our conversation (I sent him a letter then he called me) was that h and I learned so much more. It took h another year before it sunk it that she was a serial cheater. He just couldn't believe that she would lie and was such a horrible person. That fog was sooooo thick.<p>Noone can tell your what to do. You have to find that peace about it. It's a very complicated issue and everyone must be considered. As the saying goes, what goes around comes around. It's just not our responsibility to make it come around.

I mulled over this for 5 months after D-day. I think I never contacted OMW because I was just that much more concerned about how my W would react than over any possible benefit to OMW or me by contacting her.<p>Last week, the whole issue became moot. OMW found personal crap from OM to WW in some mail that was returned while he was out of town, and she threw him out and trashed his computer files. Turns out she found out about their first A several years ago, and made OM move their family out of state and promise never to see or speak to my W again. I wish she had told ME back then. That she didn't leaves me feeling a little less guilty for not telling her myself about the latest A. <p>That, and the simple fact that OMW threw OM out after her D-day, whereas I wanted nothing more than to try to understand what had gone wrong for this to happen to us after MY D-day. As SC pointed out, my W will see the difference in our relationships by the way we reacted to the news. She can't help but KNOW that I love her and am motivated to do all I can to be a good H to her in the future.

Thanks to all...I am still thinking of all sides of this issue...I am going to try to talk to the counselor soon and see what her professional opinion.<p>amhurt...you are so right. It is a very complicated issue. <p>I will keep praying and hope I do the right thing for all concerned. <p>hbh143

hurt - This is a good topic.
I would like to know what you counselor tells you. I am sort of in the same dilema. It's been 4 months and I have talked to H about this. He says we don't know what OWH is like, we don't know how he would react. We know that OW was relentless in the pursuit of my H so, he may be just as "out there". We have both agreed that if she contacts him again, we will contact her H. <p>I have been thinking about my S too. This would be one more thing to put him through, he is 17 and knows about the A. It has been a horrible 4 months for him.