What is it, and how does it work?
Is it effective?
KK
Thanks!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kk2002:
<strong>What is it, and how does it work?
Is it effective?
KK
Thanks!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>The quick answer about 180s is that by doing the unexpected, the WS takes notice; sees a change, stops and wonders, and perhaps has to rethink a pre-conceived notion about you, perhaps even a false notion; one designed by the WS to assuage his/her guilt about the A.<p>The full explanation can be found in Michelle Weiner-Davis's book "Divorce Remedy" and there may be some info about them at her site www.divorcebusting.com<p>And, here's the "list" of 180's that's been floating aroun here:<p>I got this off http://www.divorcebusting.com. I hope this helps. DivorceBusting suggests doing a 180.<p>1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Do not point out good points in marriage
4. Do not follow him around the house
5. Do not encourage talk about the future
6. Do not ask for help from family members
7. Do not ask for reassurances
8. Do not buy gifts
9. Do not schedule dates together
10. Do not spy on spouse
11. Do not say "I Love You"
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation), be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. show him someone he would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21. Never lose your cool
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic
23. Do not argue about how he feels (it only makes their feelings stronger)
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he is hurting and scared
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel
34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.<p>Let her live her life, you live yours. <p>Don't let her decisions, emotions, reactions, comments, etc. affect YOUR decisions, reactions, etc. (refuse to ride the roller coaster)

Don't argue, or defend yourself. Tennis is fun, but is not the way to *win* in a relationship.

Let her live her life, and you live yours.

Answer her questions thoughtfully, but vaguely. Demonstrate (through body language and tone of voice) that you value her question, BUT you don't have to explain everything. You can even answer with "I'm not sure. I'll have to think about that." <p>Say "I'm sorry" a lot. Even if you didn't do anything wrong. "I'm sorry you feel that way." (prevents you from arguing or trying to prove a point) <p>Let her live her life, and you live yours.

Don't hold her responsible for your happiness. You can have a great day, regardless of her fog!
You see her walking towards the edge of a cliff, so do everything you can to save her, but don't go over with her. <p>keep reminding her you LOVE her, you want to spend time with her, and you don't want to share her, you are HERE working on yourself, and getting support that you need while SHE CAN'T provide it for you.... you're doing the right things.<p>Let her *choose* to be in your life. Be the guy she can fall in love with. Be a complement to her life.<p>Let her complement your life.

The 180 approach was recommended to me by zorweb months ago. I incorporated it into my Plan A. I stopped being needy mostly and I changed little things. <p>For instance, when we shop there are always women who come up and speak to my H. I ALWAYS asked "who is she?" or "who was that?". After reading the 180 information we went to the mall. As usual several women approached my H and I smiled and walked ahead and continued shopping. <p>I changed several little things, not as a means of manipulation, but just to show him that I am different (and I really am). <p>You can read my experiences here if you're interested. In my case it worked wonders [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks for sharing,
and it makes a lot of sense!
KK

The 180 is also doing the opposite of what you would have normally done. Like the above poster mentioned, the WS doesn't expect it from you because it's not the same way you would have reacted or responded before.<p>YOU are changing YOUR behaviour and the way that you react to your circumstances. This usually makes the WS see you from a different perspective. And, your reaction to anyone, doesn't have to be WS can make or break a situation.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Patient1:
<strong>The 180 is also doing the opposite of what you would have normally done. Like the above poster mentioned, the WS doesn't expect it from you because it's not the same way you would have reacted or responded before.<p>YOU are changing YOUR behaviour and the way that you react to your circumstances. This usually makes the WS see you from a different perspective. And, your reaction to anyone, doesn't have to be WS can make or break a situation.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
I should mention that it worked wonders for my relationship also. And it keeps on working
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

I've been using it too and it works wonders. <p>For example, my H travels about 30% of the time. We talk every night by phone when he is traveling. I call his hotel room nightly because it's cheaper then him making a long distance call from the hotel. With the idea of accountabilty and to keep in constant contact I tried to get him to contact me at least once a day. It's just not in him. So I was doing all the calling. I did it every night, even when I felt annoyed because he could not call during the day. I felt like I was chasing him.<p>In his defense he teaches, so he's in front of a class room all day and helping students in labs. It's not an environment conducive to talking on the phone.<p>So I got busy. I don't always call when he expects it. He's calling me more these days right after class is out to check in. He also calls me in the evening if I don't call him by the time he expects me to. Guess he's not taking it for granted as much.<p>Remember that the list of 180's is a suggested list. The idea is to personalize it to your situation.

Do you all think it mixes well with Plan A?
It sounds like it might work!
KK

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kk2002:
<strong>Do you all think it mixes well with Plan A?
It sounds like it might work!
KK</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Absolutely!
180s are a great addition to the Plan A toolbox!

<p>[ June 12, 2002: Message edited by: MyLife ]</p>

Has the 180 ever backfired on anyone?<p>Since I found out about EA I have been very needy - sitting by husband whenever possible - asking for physical reassurance. For a few days last week I stopped a lot of that. My H asked me after 3 days of this if I was letting go. I fell apart. What should I have said?

kkb59
Sounds like I am going along the 180 track!!
You learn a new thing everyday...I didn't know my 'direction' had a name.
It is working for me !!
I must say I didn't wake up one day and bang do the 180. It has been gradual.
An important thing to remember is to remain nice and friendly.....other wise it could pose a problem.

ohhh, so that's what ya call it. I did it and didn't even realize it. It has worked wonders....not just for the relationship but for me as an individual.<p>highly recommend it. Just remember it is not about changing who you are. No one is say do a 180 and be a different person. It is just changing behavior and maybe doing something different---not being something different.<p>with or without my H, it helped me in being happy with myself and more adventurous. It sounds crazy...and I still wish the A never happened BUT I have done & tried so many new things that I probably NEVER would have done. I am happier and stronger in many ways.<p>sometimes I refer to the A as my shock therapy on learning to live life! Good luck! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by kkb59:
<strong>Has the 180 ever backfired on anyone?<p>Since I found out about EA I have been very needy - sitting by husband whenever possible - asking for physical reassurance. For a few days last week I stopped a lot of that. My H asked me after 3 days of this if I was letting go. I fell apart. What should I have said?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I don't know your story, so I cannot say if this was good or bad. Don't assume it "backfired".<p>Since your H is the WS, it could be a VERY good thing for him to think that you've "let go"...you may want to continue that behavior.

I Think I'm afraid that if H thinks I'm letting go that I am ok with him leaving. I have really tried to be less needy - but have not been able to totally stop.