This post was on the Divorcebusting forum. Many posters found it insightful, I hope it helps you.<p>1.Set-up 2.Bomb 3.Confusion 4.Centring 5.Execution 6.Completion<p>1. Set-up--The period when the future detaching spouse is not happy with the future non-detaching spouse, but the future non-detaching spouse, misreading the road signs, is unaware of the dangerous road ahead. This phase involves the behaviours that lead to the emotional/physical detachment of one spouse from another.<p>2. Bomb--The brief, but often devastating phase or period, when the non-detaching spouse is told by or learns/realises the detaching spouse has significantly detached themselves emotionally/physically. This phase (as well as confusion stage) is characterised by the non-detaching spouse using their 'normal' emotions to react to the abnormal words/actions of their detaching spouse, i.e./ begging and pleading detaching spouse to not withdraw, to come back, etc. While such actions are normal and to be expected, unfortunately they do not work to the advantage of the non-detaching spouse, and effectively serve to 'push' the detaching spouse further away. In this phase the non-detaching spouse does not accept the reality of the situation they are in, or of the steps they must take in order to improve their relationship with their detaching spouse.<p>3. Confusion--In this phase, the non-detaching spouse accepts some of the reality of the situation they are in, but is very confused about what to do and what not to do to win their detaching spouse back. In the early part of this phase the non-detaching spouse is virtually consumed by complete confusion. As the non-detaching spouse comes to deal with the reality of the situation and to understand the processes that are involve with the words and actions of their spouses and of themselves they move away from confusion toward centring.<p>Centring.--In this phase the non-detaching spouse deals with the reality of their situation. The mose important part of this phase is realisation by the non-detaching spouse their own personal emotinal, physical, mental and spiritual condition is essential to the future well-being of both themselves and their relationship with their spouse. The non-detaching spouse learns and starts to intelligently implement some of what are called the divorce busting principles.<p>5. Execution--This phase is characterised by almost or all of the non detaching spouse's behaviours being based on divorce busting principles, and therefore positive for themselves and their relationship regardless of how the relationship may turn out.<p>6. Completion--This phase consists of the 'resolution' of the situation, in whetever form. It is very important for the persoan experiencing the pain of separation and withdrawal of their spouses to get through Phases 1 - 3 as quickly as possible the sooner they are in Phase 4 and more even more so in Phase 5 the higher the likelihood they will be successful in winning back their spouse.<p>
I'll post more later.<p>[ June 11, 2002: Message edited by: Patient1 ]</p>

This is excellent, P1; thanks!

Weird; I went to divorcebusting and that thread is gone. Apparently deleted by the admin. There's a discussion about why they would delete it, but I don't know the players so who knows what's going on?<p>Do you have any more on this P1?

YOUR SPECIAL "AS IF" ATTITUDE<p>It all boils down to this you must have a Special "AS IF" Attitude to significantly increase the likelihood your marriage will be saved, even if your spouse really doesn't want to work on it. This attitude is full of positive energy and it releases very powerful and deep psychological mechanisms in your spouse. The strength of those mechanisms is largley determined by how well you live your Special "As IF" Attitude.<p>There are four key things to remember about this Special "AS IF"" Attitude:<p>(i) a model, a concept visualisation tool to help you understand what has and is and can be happening with your spouse,<p>(ii) knowledge, your knowledge of the divorce busting principles may be the single most important knowledge you need in order to win back your spouse and save your marriage,<p>(iii) patterns of behaviour, recognising what got you here an what will take you home, and<p>(iv) the design of your Special "AS IF" Attitude, what you, personally need to do.<p>------------------------------------<p>(i) Special "AS IF' Attitude Model- This model is a simple attempt to help you understand what's going on right now and to make it easier to understand why the attitude with which you deal with your spouse right now is critical to the improvement of your relationship and marriage.
Imagine a 1 inch ball (Ball "A") suspended inside a 3 inch ball ("B") that is suspended inside a 5 inch ball ("C"). Ball "A" consists of the core values of a person the very best they have inside them how they really feel about the most important things in life love, God, marriage, children, family etc.<p>"A" values are very deeply seated in the subconscious, and while they manifest consciously (to one degree or another), the important thing to remember is that they are very deep in the subconscious, are more permanent in nature, and change very, very slowly.<p>The primary function of "B" is to protect "A" it serves much like a modulator between "C" and "A".<p>"C" represents our what-we-are-doing-right-now behaviour; it is more topical and flighty, more conscious than subconscious, and is largely temporary in nature.<p>Now imagine everyone has a Giver side and Taker side. One side is caring and considerate and one that seems impossible to get along with. The Giver follows the rule:<p>Do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make other happy. It grows out of a basic instint we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us.<p>The Taker follows the rule:<p>do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy. It's the part of you that want you to be happy, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.<p>In everyday life, our Givers and Takers usually solve problems together. They recognise our need to give and take simultaneously. For examole, when we buy groceries, we give money and take groceries. We don't give more money than the grocer asks for and we don't take groceries without paying for them. In marriage, sometimes our Giver is more in charge we are loving and considerate, and tend to make personal sacrifices to see to it that our spouses are happy and fulfilled, because our Takers are not there to defend our personal interests. We love unconditionally when guided by our Giver, because our Givers do not care how we feel. But when the Taker is in charge, we are rude, demanding and inconsiderate. All we seem to think about is ourselves, and what our spouses can do to make us happy. We expect our spouses to make sacrifices for us, because our Takers don't care how our spouses fee. This is normal behaviour in marriage.<p>Marriage is one of the very few conditions that bring out the pure Giver and Taker in each of us. And that usually makes us seem much crazier than we really are. It is the Taker that ruins marriages. But the Giver plays a very important role in creating the problem. It's the effort of the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little in return, your Taker rises up to straighten out the situation. It sees the unfairness of it all, and steps in to balance the books. But instead of coming to a more baalance arrangement, where you get something for what you give, the Taker just moves the Giver out of the picture altogether. It says, "I've been giving enough, now it's your turn to give." We've all been through it, but it doesn't work.<p>All our Takers do is rouse our spouses Taker and the first thing we know, we're having a fight.<p>
(ii) Knowledge--The mor knowledge you have about the processes you are dealing with, the higher the liiklihood of you saving your spousal relationship and marriage. You know now not to beg or plead; as much as you want to, it only works against you. The divorce busters principals are examples of knowledge in action things you can do to improve your marital relationship in far less time than would otherwise be required.<p>It is very important for you to realise you are doing something your spouse is not doing, you are proactively working on restoring your marriage. You are using very powerful resources to do so. Your spouse is not. You will understand more of what's really going on in your relationship, than your spouse. Your spouse does not know that.<p>You have a tremendous advantage in your relationship with your spouse. Yeah, I now, it doesn't feel like that to you right now, but it is true. Accept it and go on.<p>(iii)Patterns of Behaviour--Patterns of behaviour, yours and your spouses, play a very important role in helping you re-establish your marriage. This Special "As If" Attitude model is built around the following dynamic.<p>Deep inside your spouse, the odds are very hight the love and values your marriage was/is based on are still alive and well bruised some, to be sure, but far from being gone or dead. You did a number of things that contributed to some layers or films of discontent settling around his core, and they prevent his love from fully flowing all the time. The confusing words/actions you are experiencing with your spouse right now reflect different moments when the core and discontent elements are coming out. That's why you need to just ignore the discontent stuff; if all goes well, it will continue to disintegrate as the core elements work their way into their natural, more prominent place in his life and yours.<p>
Will post more later.

(iv) Your patterns--Youve already demonstrated two different patterns of behaviour that have hurt you very much. The first were those you used when you essentially tried to meet your spouses needs they are the primary reason you are having marital problems right now. Those patterns of behaviour essentially caused fine layers of 'residue' or film to build up on the outside of your spouses "A" so much so that the feeling iside "A" have a very difficult time coming out.<p>If it isn't too late, and as you will see it probably isn't, enough of those feelings are still alive and wanting to function like and even better than before. The second set of behaviours were those you showed when you finally realised your relationship and marriage were in very very serious trouble it was the words you said and the things you did when the Bomb went off. In both cases, you acted and reacted in the way(s) you thought best and they weren't. Right now, you need to 'crack' your existing mindset so you can face and deal with reality. And the reality about divorce busting is that 99% of the outcome likelihood is determined by how well the person follows the divorce busting protocol. It's flexible and wide sweeping enough such that someone catches on to it, their life changes almost instantly, and an unbelievable peace come over them.<p>They reach a 'centre of gravity' point, a sweet spot, kind of MAGICAL space in the centre of all of the Special "As If" Attituede stuff. They understand the principles involved, and apply them in a strict but not too-strict sense. They give most of your energy toward their spouse and marriage, but they do it by working on themselves, making themselves a happier and more desirable person, somone who is always doing the right and good things.<p>They no longer feel they don't have any influence on what's happening right now in their personal relationship. They KNOW they have a whole lot to say about its outcome so much say, they become peaceful about themselves and the future with or without spouse, and, yes, they still want their spouse and their marriage. And, the truth is that because of what they do, if the marriage makes it, it will be much better than before.<p>To successfully do this depends on the depth of your commitment how long it takes you to discard the baggage beliefs you have about where things really are and what you really can do about them. Baggage beliefs were useful to us at an earlier time, but now prevent us from accepting the beliefs we need now in order to do a better job at whatever is is that God wants us to really do while we are here. They include beliefs about ourselves, are we what we want and know, we need to be and the of others always mindful we have a Big Time Helper in God, if we keep ourselves and our relationships constistent with being a truly good person all the time.<p>
Will post more later

Your Spouse's Patterns.<p>Two sets of patterns of behaviour your spouse has displayed are important here.<p>1. Early Warning Signals - These are the behaviours you didn't pay enough attention to. They were the road signs that a dangerous road lay ahead. From the many hundreds, here are a few typical signals.<p>Spouse indicated he wanted to talk about your relationship to help improve it. Spouse talked about people you know who wer having marital difficulties. Started showing more dissatisfaction and anger than 'normal'. You upset him fare more easily than usual. Complaints the two of you didn't really talk like you used to. Less touching, then, maybe none. The automatic "I love you" wasn't heard as often, and isn't heard now, escept "as a friend".<p>2. The Bomb and its Aftermath. "Hello!","Anybody Home?", Brave New World, Armageddon. Some typical signals:<p>Separation, talked or done. Lawyer. Needs time and space for themselves; its important to them. Doesn't want to lie to you, but feels you don't want to hear "the truth". Coldness. Love you, but its not the same. Friend. Doesn't care about your feelings. Selfish. Hate you. Selfcentred. Confused. Different friends. Another woman. Another man. Children. Finances. Emothions. Divorce. Indifference. What?<p>During this period, your spouse may not want to admit to themselves or may not even realise, but the confusion istself means they still are not unsure about leaving you, about letting you go some part is still holding on and hoping for a happy ending. Detaching spouses go through a series of phases or steps either toward or away from their mates. The series taken by detaching spouses woh end up back with and committed to their mates consists of three phases.<p>(i) withdrawn
(ii) transition
(iii) intimacy<p>
(i) In order fo the Withdrawn spouse to get to
Intimacy, he must past through a transition
zone. Let's assume your spouse is in the
Withdrawal phase. Right now your spouses
Taker side is trying to convince him that
you are not worth the effort, and he should
engage in emotional divorce. Your spouse
no longer feels emotionally bonded or in
love, and emotional defences are raised. He
doesn't want to meet your needs.<p> They are or have given up on you meeting
their needs. They want independance. They
withdraw, you essentially withdrew when you
earlier faile to recognise and deal with
your spouses early warning signals. There
is less care in the relationship. You aren't
trusted. You don't have their respect. You
have to use you Special "AS If" Attitude to
influence your spouses behaviour to the next
desirable step.<p>(ii) Transition where very carefully both parties
start to consciously or subconsciously work
to improve the marriage, though the detached
spouse may not be aware of it. This is the
activity that crosses you from being in the
Confusion state to Centring and on into
Completion.<p> During this period you and your spouse will
likely be communicating in a relative open
manner. He will be expressing what he wants,
and you won't like some of that. You will
take heart in the fact that most of the most
common 'threats' psed by detaching spouses
do not come true, and when they do, it just
means a little more work is to be done. YOU
don't give up. Some of the needed changes
may take a while to show, to express them-
selves in a clear way. If, after a
suitable passage of time, you haven't seen
results in one area, change what you are
doing, you are putting together a group of
behaviours that are good for YOU and for
your spouse and marriage. How long is a
suitable time? Good question.<p> Have observed that if you follow one set of
behaviours for 4 to 6 weeks, your spouse
will tend to believe 'that's' the way you
are. Whenever you reach a point where you
are certain your spouse 'knows how you
are', then change how you are always in a
way that is positive for you and the family,
but that your spouse may not realise. This
is a dynamic thing you are dealing with.<p> In the Transition zone, conversation ranges
from being disrespectful, resentful and
even hateful to kind and polite and together
-oriented. Mutual self-centredness replaces
selfishness. Your Taker still tries to see
to it that you are treated fairly. The
problem, of course, is that your Taker does
not know how to treat your spouse with that
same fairness. Fairness is viewed by the
Taker as getting it way at all costs.
Couples are still emotionally bonded and
that makes the pain of thoughtlessness even
worse. Love units are withdrawn at a very
fast rate, and then start to be deposited
at a slow but increasing rate. They may
still hope that the hurting will stop, but
they don't trust each other to stop the
madness, and the it does a little and a
little more.<p> During this period you start meeting your
spouses emotional needs again a little bit
at a time, then a little more. You don't
want your spouse to be fully aware this is
what is happening; at first it works on deep
subconscious levels. You must calm down his
Taker. That's where the Special "As If"
Attitude comes in. In the Transition Zone,
the Taker in you and in your spouse urges
you and him to return pain whenever its
received. YOU stop the cycle. YOU don't
return pain for pain. YOU do it in a loving,
but not submission way, you do it with
respect for your mate and yourself, you
don't return pain for pain. This is a very
important change of behaviour that has a
major impact on the dynamics of the
relationship.<p>
(iii) In the Intimacy stage, you and your spouse
will have re-bonded and will be consciously
working on your relationship.