I haven't posted in a really long time, but have been lurking.<p>H is WS. We have been separated for almost 2 years. He has said he wanted to end his A several times in the last 8 months and move home. He has the end of the A talk with OW about 3 times, but has not yet maintained no contact for more than a week.<p>The last time I talked with Steve Harley, he advised me to begin working toward Plan B. This was about a month ago. I was getting there, when WS started talking again about ending his A and moving home. But, this time he has a deadline. OW is building a new home- he said he felt responsible for helping her get into the house- as soon as she was moved in, he would end it. <p>I decided that I could continue Plan A that long- OW closes on her house today, is moving this weekend. WS feels responsible because she is divorced because of their A, planning to marry my H. <p>So, my problem-
As the time gets nearer, I am having an increasingly hard time not LBing. He is spending a fair amount of time with me and the kids, but is still in contact with her and is helping her with her house. He is regularly telling me he loves me, asking me to hang in there. <p>I'm having a hard time judging how serious he is this time. He has turned in his notice on his house, telling me that he wants to move back home. He has always told me that there is no way he will move into her house- he has my 20 year old stepson and 17 year old stepdaughter living with him, she has 2 daughters, 8 and 18.<p>I may have made a mistake about him moving home- when he asked if he could move back home, I told him that I wanted that to happen, but since he was still involved with OW, I thought it was too soon for that conversation. He was terribly hurt- saying that he thought that is what I wanted and now that he wants it too, I'm putting the brakes on. We have been in this situation before and he has been unable or unwilling to end the A.<p>We have 2 kids living with me- son 8 and daughter 12. They still know nothing about the A (I don't think). The older kids are now giving H a very hard time about the A, being very vocal about he has changed and is ignoring them and never has time for them- also telling him they don't like OW or her kids. OW's kids are spending more and more time with their father. OW's 18 yo drove by my house the other day while WS was here- called her mom and asked if she know where her man was. This daughter is very much against the A and has started calling my H Mr. last name rather than Mr. first name- which is what she used to call him.<p>Sorry to be so long winded. I think what I'd like to do is stay in Plan A until OW is moved in, then go to Plan B if he hasn't ended it. Would like opinions on this, and how much time is reasonable needed for her to get moved in? I am afraid that H will drag this out- coming up with other things that need to be done.<p>On the other hand, I can see that maybe I need to go ahead and go to Plan B- explain how much his continued contact is hurting me and draining my love for him. <p>Opinions?

Since her moving in date is imminent, it seems to make sense to wait to see if he keeps his word. My bet is that he won't - there'll be something else he has to help her with. <p>Use this time to prepare your Plan B letter. Many BSs find strength in simply writing it. Discuss it with Steve again before you act. <p>Plan B is for you, but taking advantage of the "tactical" situation can't hurt, because as Steve will tell you, Plan B can have a powerful effect on the WS. The timing of her move, together with his stated intention to come home afterwards, sets up a good Plan B entry point if he doesn't follow thru or delays for yet another reason.<p>His sense of obligation to her is sickening. What about his obligation to you and the kids? The Mothership is still in control.<p>In the meantime, sit back and let the sons and daughters act on their own. Try to implement a pristine Plan A finish to set up the biggest "contrast" with Plan B.

I agree with you WAT- not at all sure that he will follow through.<p>What's a reasonable amount of time to expect her to be moved in? She is living with a nephew- I assume most of her stuff is in storage, still packed- but she will also probable have to buy new stuff too- she lost a lot in the divorce.<p>Forgot to mention- found a paper with Steve Harley's name and phone number by WS bed. I took this as a good sign, though I don't know if he has called him or not.

Hmmmmmmmm - was the paper something you had provided? You could call Laurie and ask if he's tried to make an appointment. Maybe she's not allowed to tell for privacy reasons ( [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] as if YOUR privacy has been maintained), but maybe she can.<p>I think a reasonable time has long passed, if you get right down to it. What has he indicated? Are you gonna talk to Steve again soon? If she's living with a nephew, why can't he help her? Your H is stringing this along and perhaps your best action is to call a halt to this right now and go to Plan B as soon as your letter is ready. In your letter, just tell him you can't wait any longer.<p>Whatever you do, get Steve's advice.<p>WAT

The paper with Steve's name and phone number on it:
The last time I talked to Steve, it was a joint session with WS. WS was at that time talking about ending his A and moving home, but was still in contact. I made an appt. with Steve because I was having problems with the continued contact. The night before the appt, WS told me he had decided he wanted a divorce because he had not been able to let go of the A. This is when Steve told me to move toward Plan B- but also saying that WS and OW relationship would not last. WS called me later that same day and asked for Steve's phone number. I gave it to him over the phone and the paper by his bed is where he wrote it down- but it has not been by his bed until lately.<p>WS made an appt. with an attorney to file for divorce- went to the appt, but was not able to go into the office- decided that's not what he wanted and left. I did not know about the appt. until it was over- we have not discussed any specifics of a divorce.<p>I have an appt. with Steve for Monday morning. I was thinking I would give WS until Monday to help OW move in and end the A, go to Plan B on Monday night if he didn't. I guess I'll finish my Plan B letter and have it ready, will see what Steve says.<p>Other opinions?

Cloudy - It sounds like you have your wits about you.<p>Get hot on that Plan B letter and post it here for review. Tell Steve you're doing this - he'll tell you there's lots of wisdom here.<p>I believe he's right - it won't last. It seems frequently that the WS can't make a decision and some outside influence - like Plan B - makes them decide. They may initially decide for the OP, but odds are that they'll soon see paradise as a dump.<p>Make sure you do your best Plan A - kiss his butt - for now.<p>WAT

I'd wait, too, and see whether he can commit before letting him come home. It doesn't help at all that he feels he needs to help OW move. That's not demonstrating commitment to you, but continued commitment to her.<p>If he wasn't two mangos shy of a chutney right now, he'd realize this.

I agree- his sense of responsibility is pretty warped right now. He is feeling responsible for her kids no longer having much of a relationship with their Dad, she has a pretty low paying job and will now have to support herself and her children by herself- child support payments are pretty low. He feels responsible for the difficulties she's having with her relationships with her children and her family- a direct result of the affair. I can underestand some of this, but she's a grown woman capable of making decisions on her own. She made the choice to get involved with a married man. She has also made the choice to continue to be involved with a married man obviously having significant family probs because of the affair- she's not an innocent victim in all this.
H sometimes says some of this, kids are frequently telling him this- but until he believes it??????????