<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: Eddie ]</p>

i THINK you need to search, discover and recover from the issues that lead you or led you to engage in these activities. My suggestion is that you look up right away on the internet an org. called SAA- sex addicts anonymous... I am a member of cosa... codepend. of sex addict, as I feel sex was the reason my ws strayed and unlimitied admiration with no requirments or expectations... of a relationship , etc.<p>I will ck in later on you tonight.. please go to a meeting, and reccomend that your wife go to cosa.. there is help availalble...a lso there is help available to couples with counseling , etc.<p>there is also a website... www.sexaddict.com and you can go there for help and advice.. also there is an org. for couples called RCA... recovering couples anonymouse... I am not part of it yet.. but there are people I know in cosa/ saa that go and get great benefit from the program.<p>good luck, will ck on you tonight when i get off work.<p>Honey

Hi Ray,<p>Welcome to MB...<p>It takes a lot of strength to come here and admit that you have a problem...<p>You should check out the New Life homepage for more information on the Every Man's Battle book and workshops... <p>I'd also recommend getting a copy of Torn Asunder by Dave Carder to address the issues of your A. Additionally, all of the articles here on the MB site are good. I have a copy of Surviving an Affair but found that Torn Asunder met my 'needs' better... <p>Read all that you can get your hands on and find a good Marriage counselor for you and your wife.<p>Best of luck,
RIF90

Ray,
What you listed could very well be symtoms, but like most things, it is the degree to which your activity was "compulsive."
No magic formula - I have seen things like if you have more than 10 video's or collection of x rated books of 10 or more -- If the strip club thing was a once a week thing or just occassional is another example.<p>Perhaps best known book on subject:<p>Patrick Carnes, "Out of the Shadows" <p>
Sexual Addiction / Sexaholic Anonymous, Related Web Sites:<p>Issues of a sexaholic:<p>What is a sexaholic?<p>The sexaholic has taken himself or herself out of the whole context of what is right or wrong. He or she has lost control, no longer has the power of choice, and is not free to stop. Lust has become an addiction. Our situation is like that of the alcoholic who can no longer tolerate alcohol and must stop drinking , but is hooked and cannot stop. So it is with the sexaholic, or sex drunk, who can no longer tolerate lust but cannot stop. <p>Thus, for the sexaholic, any form of sex with one’s self or with partners other than the spouse is progressively addictive and destructive. We also see that lust is the driving force behind our sexual acting out, and true sobriety includes progressive victory over lust. These conclusions were forced upon us in the crucible of our experience and recovery; we have no other options. But we have found that acceptance of these facts is the key to a happy and joyous freedom we could otherwise never known.<p>
Sexaholics Anonymous is for those who know they have no other option but to stop, and their own enlighten self-interest must tell them this.<p>
http://www.sa.org/<p>http://www.sarr.org/<p>http://www.ncsac.org/article.htm<p>http://www.sexaddict.com/<p>Issues of control, dependency:<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5055_qa.html<p>Signs of Co-dependency:
http://nccod.netgate.net/signsof.htm<p>Handling Sexual Temptation in Marriage --Platonic relationship?<p>http://www.growthtrac.com/articles/article_30_1130.shtml<p>Best of Luck!
HH

Thank you for your feedback. I am not yet convinced that I am Sexual Addict. Maybe? I will check all of the links that everyone has left for me. I have been with my wife for 17 years.. For the past 3 years I have abstained from going to strip bars, book stores, and porn sights. (because she caught me) Of coarse the last two years I had the A. Maybe I am just grabbing at straws trying to explain WHY I DID IT. Another explaination. The OW was a very attractive woman who went after me. I am just an average guy. I don't think any woman has ever persued me aggesively like that before. I have been told that its very difficult for men refuse such advances. (I'm not trying to make excuses) Just looking for answers.

Hi Ray,
Welcome to MB! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Maybe it is not so much an issue of unmet needs but your own inability to protect yourself from your weaknesses?<p>There are articles on this website in the Q&A section on Avoiding Infidelity that might offer you some suggestions on protecting yourself and your marriage from now on.<p>SA may play a role because of your risky behavior--risking losing your marriage, risking your health (STDs)?, and using porn stuff (& masturbation maybe?) to meet your need for sexual fulfillment--which takes sexual energy away from your marriage.<p>If you are more honest with your wife regarding your need for sexual fulfillment, do you think she would oblige you? It's not surprising that SF is your top emotional need, but do you know what your wife's top emotional needs are?????<p>What if you filled out the Emotional Needs questionnaires with your wife and the Love Buster questionnaire as well? You can really gauge where you are and how you are doing (filling HER needs) based on these reports. Wonder how many of your wife's needs are going or have gone unmet?