OK, I know I am suppose to avoid LBs but, how in the world do you do that? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>My emotions are in all over the place that sometimes I do really well, then other times I want to break something. Hurt and Anger seem to be my most dominate emotions. With Anger winning out alot of the time. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>It's been 4 months since d-day and I still feel like a raving lunatic half (or more) of the time. <p>I know that I am an Angry Outburst, Disrespectful Judgement kind of a gal. I asked H to fill out LB Questionnaire, I don't think there will be any surprises. <p>Does anyone have any suggestions? I really need some help. I talked with a Counselor and she just said I need to try. I just keep thinking but, How do I do that? <p>Maybe I need to be like I was when I was a kid - Count to 10 before I say anything but, sometimes that just makes me more angry. <p>Oh, by the way, I am good at walking away when I get really POd. I'm afraid I will really lash out if I don't get out of the room. Angry Control has always been a problem but, never like this. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm sorry you are having such ar hard time with this. <p>Couple of suggestions. . . Try to REALLY listen to what is being said to you. Try to UNDERSTAND what is being said. Take a breath before you respond and allow it to sink in. Voice your acknowledgement of these feelings that are being expressed and then express your own. Maybe then, your feelings will begin to be acknowledged as well. You both have very real and distinct feelings in all this. Hear eachother and count the value in it. You don't have to agree, just hear it.<p>As for the walking out. Sorry, that's a bit of an LB in itself. My suggestion here, as I've asked my husband to do, is just say that you need a few minutes to relax and is it ok if you go outside, in a different room, etc. to get your emotions together and you two can continue to talk about this in a couple of minutes. It says you care to discuss this, but that you realize you are getting to a bad point with your emotions and need to check them, but it also says I respect you enough to let you know this.<p>Hope this helps. Take care, and my best to you.

Hi Bearcub,<p>One technique that I use is to repeat my wife's question back to her in a very calm voice... This does several things... 1) It shows her my respect in that I'm trying to make sure that I understood what she was trying to say to me completely before I answer her. 2) It keeps me from making a LBing comment since I now have to really LISTEN to what she is saying first.<p>I agree with Tutter13... 'ask' or inform your spouse that you need to leave the room...then do so in a dignified, non-threatening way. <p>This isn't easy... but after you've done it a few times, I think that you'll find that your spouse will appreciate your efforts!<p>Take care,
RIF90

Bear,<p>Hmmmm...having had a meltdown myself recently I have some thoughts for you! Up in the website around general concepts; Harley has some headings called Givers/Takers. This was very infomative because it explains the parts of our personality that is responsible for LBs! Then of course I bought the book Give/Take at the Harley bookstore! CSue

Hi, Bearcub! <p>The infidelity roller coaster ride with all its dips and turns is exhausting, isn't it? <p>I know what ya mean about the anger. I am truly the most laid back and calm person I know -- it's very hard to get me ruffled. But on D-Day (June 25, 2001) I punched my FWH in the stomach in the middle of the Cafe parking lot with stunned on-lookers gawking out the windows...that was immediately after I broke his cell phone apart. I also kicked him in the shin about 2 months later (when I got the cell phone bill that PROVED it was more than "just a few" phone calls to her in May.) <p>Talk about angry outbursts! I'm certainly not that way 99.9% of the time, but sometimes the anger almost consumes me! Your walking away is really smart, and I wish I'd done that instead of causing bodily harm - I think. <p>I know people hate to hear this (I do), but time really will help. I had an OW sighting this morning, and I immediately felt the anger and hurt...but not NEARLY as strong. I called H from my cell and told him I love him, and he said he loves me too -- "berry, berry, much!" That sure helped!<p>Counting to 10 isn't a bad idea. Deep breaths. Put on really inspirational music. Oh, and pray for the OW. [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] I know, I know...but have you ever tried to hate someone you were praying for? <p>I hope your husband is understanding of your pain and anger. It would tick me off if FWH tried to minimize it or make me feel like I was a freak for being so angry. <p>Good luck!<p>Lori

Sheesh my Lb's come in all colors and sizes.<p>I have problems with my comebacks, I just can't keep my mouth shut.
With time they get better, but during the first months after D-Day, I was like a bomb waiting to explode at the slightest touch... @BOOM@ off I went.<p>I'd manage to install any LB anywhere. My H would make a comment about a type of food xOW liked, oooh boy, there I went.<p>My LB's where awfull, giantic, because I rationally chose the most terrible, hurtful, stinging words I could think of.<p>I have a very very sharp tongue.<p>After a while I would just stay quiet, and start singing a song on my head. Whichever song, a very stupid one, one that would be so irreverent it would or well make me laugh or keep me occupied trying to figure out why it was so stupid.<p>Sometimes now I have my moments, and when I can feel the killer sarcasm roll down my tongue... I bite it. And think of my songs.<p>You know what I think we all BSs should get? A punching man, they are soooo good for stress relief, and a great excersice too!!!

Hello Everyone. Thank you so much for your responses. I had some server problems at work and was unable to respond. <p>Tutter - I am going to try and be a better listener. Boy, that's a tough one right now. I am sure it will be for my own good. Walk away angry is a big LB and I am trying to control that. I will start saying I need a break before I just burst out of the room .<p>RIF90 - I will try using a calm voice and repeat things back, that might help me keep my anger at bay for awhile. <p>Csue - I have the giver/taker book too. I see myself in there quite a few times. Sometimes it's not easy seeing yourself as the taker. Kind of scary, in fact. <p>peace (I'm a Lori too) - I broke a house phone and hit my H in the chest, his chest hurt for several weeks. Not one of my prouder moments. I am not sure how I would react if I had an OW sighting. I'm afraid to think about what I would do. It's probably better for the both of us, for that never to happen. I really like you solution of calling your H for reassurance. <p>Wife - Sharp tongue sounds awful familiar. I am a smart mouth and a little too quick with the sarcasm. I bought a kids bunching bag awhile back, I should probably get it out and blow it up finally. A song is a great idea, anything that comes to mind might help me stop the mouth from engaging. <p>Thanks again everyone. It always does me good to post a question, I get great suggestions to use.