Yesterday my WW during a conversation about OM said that she was wants (wanted?) me to leave and tries (tried?) to make me leave. She was on her way out the door and in the very next sentence she says that she loves me. I asked her how is it you can have these sentences back to back. After she stepped into her car she said "I do love you, you know."<p>I have many times explained this in my mind in the attempts to protect myself and protect my hope, but I have grown tired and wiery of my engineering mind justifying the fact that she can still love me (I have got a prety good theory, but I question everything now). I have been very successful in convincing myself this in the past, but I am not going to do this now. <p>I call upon the knowledge of all of you out there to let me know NOT whether or not she still loves me, because I realize that would be difficult for you (or even me) to know, but is it possible for someone to love another person and continue to have and want to be with someone else.

D,
Fog-o-rama! She most likely does love you but not in the same way she loves the OM. She loves you for fulfilling the certain needs that you are good at fulfilling. She loves him for those other needs he is taking care of. It isn't sustainable this way and something will have to give eventually. Where she will turn ultimately will depend on how you handle the situation. Don't take this personally; hang cool! Focus on yourself, and don't worry about her present (messed up) state. This is totally normal!!! <p>Sweden

<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Sweden ]</p>

I know it doesn't help any, but My WW has done the exact same thing. Don't try to rationalize it, because it can't be rationalized. It's just f***ing crazy.

Sweden is right. Each of you (OM and you) are filling different needs. It's as though the two of you make one whole. That is what affairs are about. Does she love you? Does she love OM. What people really love is getting their needs filled. That is why adult love is conditional.<p>She will not give either of you up because she needs both of you. So yes, in that sense she 'loves' both of you.<p>You will not be able to fill all, or most, of her EN's until she lets you. At this point the payoff is too great for her to keep the status quo. <p>This is a lot of what Plan B is about. She has turned into a cakewoman. She will not decide until she is forced to.

Dreamland - <p>I agree with what everyone else has said. In my case my WW has never said "I Love you" since evertyhing began, so like you said it is impossible to figure out what is going on. I think that plan B may be in order at some point but I don't think the time has come yet. I think you know it is not time for this yet. I still believe that her OM will continue to do damage and LB himself so time is on your side.<p>Things have taken a bad turn again on my end and I will update later when things are quiet.

Dreamland...
I have come to the realization that my WH does love me but he is not in love with me. He wants to care for me and his children but he desires and longs for someone else. <p>He has never made special time for me since we started dating. The last time we were alone for a weekend was at least 12 years ago! He made time for friends but never his wife and children. I can't force him to want to to that for me. He does it for the OW.<p>So I do think they can love 2 people in different ways. For me a separation is not long off. The pain is becoming too great and overpowering. I don't want a roommate. I want to see love in his eyes. I think only if he is gone will he be able to see more good qualities than bad in me. But I have to be sure because I know in my heart, he will never come back.<p>Take comfort in knowing that she can still tell you she loves you. Mine hasn't said it in a very long time.
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Thanks. I try to rationalize all of this because that is who I am. I will not be able to just leave a problem unsolved in my mind. There is a reason why she says this and it is my job as the person I am to try to figure out what it is. She tells me that she loves me unconditionally, that she is almost positive that there is nothing that I can do to change her love for me. She also added that she does not have this love for OM, but has strong feelings for him.<p>So I remain in this quandry with the only answer I have to this is that love is much more complicated then the "love bank" principal.

I loved my H, said I would always love him, but yes, I longed for someone else. I was SURE I could be happier with the other person. They had more in common with me, we had such passion and so much laughter together. BUT...it was all new. When H and I were new we had a lot more fun too! I began to see that with time OM and I would be in no better situation than H and I were. So the "decision" went from "which man is more compatible" to "do I really want to do the work again years down the line (after my reputation and respect from ANYONE, including myself have gone down the tubes), or should I just buck it up and do the work NOW, with the man I married". I chose the man I married. No matter how much I tried to quit loving him, I couldn't. Because he's a good man.<p>Your wife is lacking respect right now...for you and for herself...and she's deep in the fantasy that any average affair brings. Whether she loves you won't be the key to bringing her out of the A or back in to your marriage...she's got to do the emotional growing and learning that will teach her what REAL love is about. Real love is an action, not just a word you throw around to show appreciation.<p>Give it time...give her space...and give her reading materials, LOL!

You can sit down and try to rationalize this until the end of time.....but it won't do any good.<p>Here's how I see it......<p>Your W does love you......she's infatuated with the OM.<p>Infatuation starts every relationship....and the way I see it...most A's don't ever go past infatuation and turn into TRUE LOVE.<p>In some cases the TRUE LOVE does happen.....if the WS moves away from the BS and lives with the OP for an extended period of time. In this time they are living in reality......if they make it...it's true love....if they don't...and find they aren't compatible...then they realize that it never truly was love.<p>If the WS never leaves the BS.....or only leaves for short periods of time and keeps returning....then they never really live in the realm of reality with the OP....so therefore they can't be sure if the feelings are truly love or just merely infatuation....which can be mistaken for love.<p>There's more to what I think...but that is the just of it.

"No consequences to her behavior = no motivation to change" and I might add no motivation to move out of the fog. She is a cakewoman who now has it all. It sounds like you are accepting of the current situation.

BRYNP:
Well.... [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] ....She is a beautiful cakewoman that I love and she also tastes prety good....LOL [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I have my time limit for Plan A. I have no choice but to accept the reality of the situation if I want the marriage to survive. I am not accepting of the behavior. I make sure that she realizes this. She knows she is hurting me, but I am still willing to stick it out.
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Miss Priss,<p>This is exactly how I feel. On the other hand I am thinking now that if she did truley love me, then she would have not have done this. Somewhere along the A process was a cognitive decision to do what she did. Now there is a decision to continue what she is doing.
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H4F,<p>Prety funny. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I have got a bunch of reading materials. She started reading these in the beginning but gave up. Thanks for the positive words. I hope this is the case with my WW. I hope she does not quit loving me. I am afraid of a long long journey. This is just too painful.