This is an extremely interesting "treatise" on the process that leads to an affair/divorce/separation, and the phases from there to recovery. I was "alerted" to it by a post by Patient1, and it came from the Divorce Busting web site board, which I’m sure many are familiar with. I went to that board and found that the post had been deleted by an admin, although the reason for that was unclear. However, many had copied it and one of them emailed it to me.<p>It is very interesting because although it is based on the Divorce-Busting principles from Michele Weiner-Davis, it bases a lot of its information on (and makes many references to) Dr. Harley's concepts, the MB site, and MB materials. It struck me because personally, I've somewhat done the same thing; I started with Divorce-Busting, then came here, but I've used and adopted methods from both.<p>This poster has written a very complete chronology and guide, meant as a "start here" post for newcomers, and I think it's pretty good, and perhaps we can dissect it here, and it might be useful to others.<p>I will apologize in advance to Patient1, because he/she has been posting it in parts, but I thought I'd post it all at once. I do not mean to "hijack" this find which clearly was made by Patient1, and not by me. So any credit for finding this should be Patient1's.<p>Maybe a superfluous definition: the document refers to the “detaching spouse” and in our “lingo” this is the current or future WS, and to the “non-detaching spouse”, who would be the BS.<p>I’ve made some grammatical corrections, but otherwise, the document is as it was sent to me.<p>As for copyright issues, I am unfamiliar with the minutiae of the law as it related to "internet posts", but if our admins find this infringes, I will certainly understand their removing it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> A Perspective: Understanding The Process
TomM
Member posted 08-17-2000 10:30 AM <p>This is a personal attempt at presenting a 'model' or explanation of the phases or steps that are involved in the 'process' just about everyone who posts on this board is experiencing and/or going through. It is a read only thread in that posts will not be responded to. This post should be considered to be under construction at all times.<p>The detaching spouse the one who emotionally and/or physically distances themselves from the non-detaching spouse.<p>1. Set-up. 2. Bomb. 3. Confusion. 4. Centering. 5.Execution. 6. Completion.<p>1. Set-up - The period when the future detaching spouse is not happy with the future non-detaching spouse, but the future non-detaching spouse, misreading the road signs, is unaware of the dangerous road ahead. This phase involves the behaviours that lead to the emotional/physical detachment of one spouse from another.<p>2. Bomb - The brief, but often devastating phase or period, when the non-detaching spouse is told by or learns/realises the detaching spouse has significantly detached themselves emotionally/physically. This phase (as well as Confusion phase) is characterised by the non-detaching spouse using their 'normal' emotions to react to the abnormal words/actions of their detaching spouse, i.e., begging and pleading detaching spouse to not withdraw, to come back, etc. While such actions are normal and to be expected, unfortunately they do not work to the advantage of the non-detaching spouse, and effectively serve to 'push' the detaching spouse further away. In this phase the non-detaching spouse does not accept the reality of the situation they are in, or of the steps they must take in order to improve their relationship with their detaching spouse.<p>3. Confusion - In this phase, the non-detaching spouse accepts some of the reality of the situation they are in, but is very confused about what to do and what not to do to win their detaching spouse back. In the early part of this phase the non-detaching spouse is virtually consumed by complete confusion. As the non-detaching spouse comes to deal with the reality of the situation and to understand the processes that are involved with the words and actions of their spouses and of themselves, they move away from confusion toward centering.<p>4. Centering - In this phase the non-detaching spouse deals with the reality of their situation. The most important part of this phase is the realisation by the non-detaching spouse their own personal emotional, physical, mental and spiritual condition is essential to the future well-being of both themselves and their relationship with their spouse. The non-detaching spouse learns and starts to intelligently implement some of what are called the divorce busting principles on this board, thereby increasing the likelihood of achieving their objective of winning back the love of their spouse.<p>5. Execution - This phase is characterised by almost or all of the non-detaching spouse’s behaviours being based on divorce busting principles, and therefore positive for themselves and their relationship regardless of how the relationship may turn out. <p>6. Completion - This phase consists of the 'resolution' of the situation, in whatever form. It is very important for the person experiencing the pain of separation and withdrawl of their spouses to get through Phases 1 - 3 as quickly as possible. The sooner they are in Phase 4, and even more so in Phase 5, the higher the likelihood they will be successful in winning back their spouse.<p>
This is one person's understanding of what happens, and what can happen, when a non-detaching spouse realises their spouse has emotionally and/or physically detached from them; it is not professionally-rendered counseling. Hopefully it will help people who are in a great state of confusion and are unsure about the best steps to take in order to improve their relationship with their spouse. This material may or may not be of specific relevance to your situation. This is a read only post in that replies will not be responded to.<p>The primary purpose of this post is to provide a First Aid Kit to first time posters to Michele's board, a single place to go to and get a decent overview of what they are dealing with and how to immediately improve their situation. Hopefully, it will also serve as a Tune-up Kit for experienced posters on the board. <p>The Bomb, Survival and Recovery.<p>The rush and depth of the torrent of feelings experienced when someone realises their spouse, whom they love very much, no longer cares for them as they did before is often devastating. This devastation can be triggered by a range of words and/or actions, ranging from ‘I just need some time alone’; said and heard in perhaps just a little different way, to virtually simultaneous recognition of the detachment of a spouse, separation, and their involvement in an ongoing affair.<p>Here is a hypothetical posting that has the feelings most often expressed by the majority of people who first post to this site. It is followed by a First Aid Kit, set of recommendations and suggestions that, taken, will stop the blood flow, reduce the pain, and set loose powerful forces that really can help the poster win back the love of their spouse.<p>My spouse and I have been married 12 years (together 14). I thought (and still do think) that we had something very special, pure, and good. About 5 weeks ago, my spouse told me s/he no longer loved me the way a spouse should love their mate, and that s/he wanted to separate so s/he could find her/himself. I was surprised and shocked. I thought we were getting along better than that. Sure, we had the normal problems every couple has, but I couldn’t believe s/he felt that way. I broke down and started crying it hurt so much. I asked, begged, pleaded for her/him not to do this that we could work it out but how I feel doesn’t seem to matter any more. S/he won’t let me touch her/him anymore. S/he gets touchy, mad, or even angry whenever I do the slightest thing wrong. I’m so confused. I don’t understand this. Some days s/he seems to want to work on our relationship a little, but then s/he is making arrangements to get his/her own place. I don’t want that to happen, but we’re fighting so much. I thought we were doing better. I’m a wreck. Please help me. Signed by I.M. Hurting <p>The initial post also may include words such as “I just found out s/he is having an affair and it breaks my heart. S/he has lied to me so much I can hardly believe it. S/he has chosen the other person over me. ETC.” <p>Dear Hurting,<p>We are glad you found your way to this board, just like we did. It can help a lot. Here are the key steps that will most quickly help you get you where you want to be.<p>1. THANK GOD! for helping you find this board, ask for help with what you are dealing with, say ‘amen’, and then <p>2. VISIT A DB THERAPIST You are in a very strange world right now things are not as they seem things you are used to have changed, seemingly forever you are confused you know your spouse very well except right now they are acting like someone entirely different someone who is doing things you never believed they would do saying and doing things that hurt you very much etc. <p>The absolute fastest way for you to be doing all that can be done to improve your relationship is for you to have a session with a counselor who both believes in the sanctity of marriage and who is skilled at helping people find solutions, quickly. Do not believe any therapist is better than no therapist. <p>Unfortunately, many (if not most) therapist are not using the latest in understanding of the processes at work in the typical marital situation where one spouse detaches from the other. In many cases, the advice given essentially drives the nail in the coffin and dooms another marriage to death. Well-intentioned, but uninformed advice, if followed, can doom your marriage. Close friends are well-intentioned, to be sure. But don’t be surprised if they don’t really understand what you re going through. Their advice may not be what you should do. And, be careful of trusting your own gut feelings they are the same ones that contributed a big part of the situation you are in right now.

Here’s part of what makes Solutions-based Brief Therapy (“SBT”) different why it works. SBT deals with where your relationship is right now and what to do to improve it starting right now. It involves principles and techniques that are counter-intuitive they are not what you would normally think of to deal with what you are dealing with. Here’s an example:<p>If you cried and begged and pleaded for your spouse not to leave you, not to stop loving you, etc., you did what any normal person would do what all of us who’ve posted on this board did. And, like us, you hurt yourself when you did it. Stop begging and pleading and crying to your spouse, if you are doing so and, here’s some great news that may be just what you need:<p>SBT provides ways for the spouse who is left to have dramatic, positive impact on their relationship impact that can reverse the destructive forces that seem to be at work in the marriage even if their spouse isn’t interested in working on the marriage. Building upon seminal work from the 1960s, SBT is a therapy designed to produce fast and lasting results. For example, the average number of therapy sessions by a couple using SBT is four to six; depending on approach and studies, other therapies involve three to six times as many sessions (or more). SBT really works it really saves marriages. Trust it. In short, spending time with a qualified SBT therapist is the fastest way for you to get up to speed and start making definite improvement in your situation.<p>If your circumstances do not enable you to seek professional guidance, DO NOT DESPAIR, the book you are about to read about, combined with the advice you can get from this board will provide you with plenty of ways in which to improve your relationship and do so quickly.<p>3. GET DIVORCE BUSTING immediately. This profound little $12 book (“Divorce Busting”, Michele Weiner-Davis, Fireside Book, published by Simon & Schuster) offers a step-by-step method to immediately improve your relationship, it is the cornerstone upon which this board is maintained. It explains how common sense and logical approaches to saving marriages often fail (and often compound problems!) while seemingly illogical and unreasonable actions succeed.<p>You need this book ‘now’, ‘today’. Call local bookstores, if they have it go get it now. If they don’t, order it from Amazon right now using the order button you see on Michele’s web site; pay the extra bucks to get it quicker. Call local municipal and university libraries; if they have it, check it out and immediately start consuming it until yours arrives. Read the book twice as soon as you can ASAP and don’t think the second reading isn’t very important, you’ll get more out of it than out of the first time you go through the book. <p>The DB book is worth more than gold. Many therapists make it mandatory reading for couples who are considering divorce. It describes and gives many practical examples of the effectiveness of one particular way of looking at marital or other relationships that are in serious trouble. One other thing, if your relationship is having serious problems and you don’t feel compelled to get Michele’s book, odds are you are greatly underestimating how serious the relationship problems are.<p>4. READ POSTS - The posts on this board cover the entire spectrum of human pain and victory relative to marriages experiencing very serious difficulties. Right now you need to stay focused on what can help you, so stay solutions-focused. Read:<p>Advice from Wise Dbers forum
Another Divorce Busted! Forum
The read and respond forums on the bottom of the forum menu page. <p>Don’t get caught up in the drama of reading the post, except to help you improve you marriage. While you may be tempted to post to someone, try to keep your posting to your own thread (more about that in a moment) for the first month or so. Stay focused on fixing your situation. Study and pay attention to the winners, the threads that report successful results. Ignore the others for awhile they are more studies in what not to do, but it will take you a while to discern the difference so Stick With The Winners.<p>Some Winner’s threads:
http://www.weiner-davis.com/cgi-bin...umber=51&DaysPrune=10&LastLogin= <p>http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum24/HTML/001625.html <p>http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum10/HTML/000265.html <p>Start your own threads as you need to, but no more than you must. Generally, it makes the most sense to start a new thread only when a very significant change has occurred in your relationship. You will get less and less-informed advice if you post very many threads, because people will have to read each one of your threads in order to have a clear picture of your background.<p>The Newcomers is the best place for you to post. One or two threads are really all you should need for a little while and try to stick to one, if possible. Remember, right now your goal is to get to the Centering and Execution phase as soon as possible. Until then, odds are you will be hurting your relationship more than helping it. Afterwards, odds are you will be helping your relationship. <p>Like elsewhere in life, you make the choice about the advice and thoughts offered on this site which of it makes sense for your circumstances, and which doesn’t. The shorter the amount of time you’ve been in the Bomb or Confusion phase, the more you should trust what you read here, rather than your own gut feelings.<p>5. GET MORE INPUT - There are many sources of additional information that can help you. One site with a number of helpful articles is:<p>www.marriagebuilders.com http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html shows you the key emotional needs your spouse has. <p>http://www.family.org/docstudy/newsletters/a0011702.html provides good insight on how your spouse lost respect for you. <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html tells why women leave men. <p>http://www.meritcare.com/specialties/mental/stress/relax.asp can help you relax, something you must do in order to reduce the amount of stress and anxiety you feel.<p>http://www.weiner-davis.com/ubb/Forum40/HTML/000249.html is a must read Michele works with someone on their relationship.<p>6. YOUR SPECIAL “AS IF” ATTITUDE - It all boils down to this you must have a Special “As If” Attitude to significantly increase the likelihood your marriage will be saved, even if your spouse really doesn’t want to work on it. This attitude is full of positive energy and it releases very powerful and deep psychological mechanisms in your spouse. The strength of those mechanisms is largely determined by how well you live your Special “As If” Attitude.<p>There are four key things to remember about this Special “As If” Attitude:<p>(i) a model, a concept visualisation tool to help you understand what has and is and can be happening with your spouse,<p>(ii) knowledge, your knowledge of the divorce busting principles may be the single most important knowledge you need in order to win back your spouse and save your marriage,<p>(iii) patterns of behaviour, recognising what got you here and what will take you home, and<p>(iv) the design of your Special “As If” Attitude, what you, personally need to do.<p>(i) Special “As If” Attitude Model - This model is a simple attempt to help you understand what’s going on right now and to make it easier to understand why the attitude with which you deal with your spouse right now is critical to the improvement of your relationship and marriage. Imagine a 1 inch ball (Ball “A”) suspended inside a 3 inch ball (“B”) that is suspended inside a 5 inch ball (“C”). Ball “A” consists of the core values of a person the very best they have inside them how they really feel about the most important things in life love, God, marriage, children, family, etc.<p>‘A’ values are very deeply seated in the subconscious, and while they manifest consciously (to one degree or another), the important thing to remember is that they are very deep in the subconscious, are more permanent in nature, and change very, very slowly.<p>The primary function of “B” is to protect “A”; its serves much like a modulator between “C” and “A”.<p>“C” represents our what-we-are-doing-right-now behaviour; it is more topical and flighty, more conscious than subconscious, and is largely temporary in nature. <p>Now imagine everyone has a Giver side and a Taker side. One side is caring and considerate and one that seems impossible to get along with. The Giver follows the rule:<p>Do whatever you can to make the other person happy and avoid anything that makes the other person unhappy. It's the part of you that wants to make others happy. It grows out of a basic instinct that we all share, a deep reservoir of love and concern for those around us.<p>The Taker follows the rule:<p>do whatever you can to make yourself happy and avoid anything that makes yourself unhappy. It's the part of you that wants you to be happy, and it grows out of your basic instinct for self-preservation.<p>In everyday life, our Givers and Takers usually solve problems together. They recognise our need to give and take simultaneously. For example, when we buy groceries, we give money and take groceries. We don't give more money than the grocer asks for and we don't take groceries without paying for them. In marriage, sometimes our Giver is more in charge we are loving and considerate, and tend to make personal sacrifices to see to it that our spouses are happy and fulfilled, because our Takers are not there to defend our personal interests. We love unconditionally when guided by our Giver, because our Givers do not care how we feel. But when the Taker is in charge, we are rude, demanding and inconsiderate. All we seem to think about is ourselves, and what our spouses can do to make us happy. We expect our spouses to make sacrifices for us, because our Takers don't care how our spouses feel. This is normal behaviour in marriage.<p>Marriage is one of the very few conditions that bring out the pure Giver and Taker in each of us. And that usually makes us seem much crazier than we really are. It is the Taker that ruins marriages. But the Giver plays a very important role in creating the problem. It's the effort of the Giver to give our spouses anything they want that sets up the Taker for it's destructive acts. After you have been giving, giving, giving to your spouse, and receiving little in return, your Taker rises up to straighten out the situation. It sees the unfairness of it all, and steps in to balance the books. But instead of coming to a more balanced arrangement, where you get something for what you give, the Taker just moves the Giver out of the picture altogether. It says, "I've been giving enough, now it's your turn to give." We've all been through it, but it doesn't work. <p>All our Takers do is rouse our spouses' Taker and the first thing we know, we're having a fight.<p>(http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_give.html Dr. Willard F. Harley, Jr. Dr. Harley’s website, <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com and his materials offer valuable help.)<p>Dr. Harley’s Love Bank visualisation tool is something like a piggy bank for your relationship with your spouse. Your Giver makes love deposits into the Love Bank, while your Taker makes withdrawals. <p>(ii) Knowledge - The more knowledge you have about the processes you are dealing with, the higher the likelihood of you saving your spousal relationship and marriage. You know now not to beg or plead; as much as you want to, it only works against you. divorce busters principles are examples of knowledge in action things you can do to improve your marital relationship in far less time than would otherwise be required.<p>It is very important for you to realise you are doing something your spouse is not doing you are proactively working on restoring your marriage. You are using very powerful resources to do so. Your spouse is not. You will understand more of what’s really doing on in your relationship, than your spouse. Your spouse does not know that. <p>You have a tremendous advantage in your relationship with your spouse. Yeah, I know, it doesn’t feel like that to you right now, but it is true. Accept it and go on. Trust me <p>(iii) Patterns of Behaviour - Patterns of behaviour, yours and your spouses, play a very important role in helping you re-establish your marriage. This Special “As If” Attitude model is built around the following dynamic. <p>Deep inside your spouse, the odds are very high the love and values your marriage was/is based on are still alive and well bruised some, to be sure, but far from being gone or dead. You did a number of things that contributed to some layers or films of discontent settling around his core, and they prevent his love from fully flowing all the time. The confusing words/actions you are experiencing with your spouse right now reflect different moments when the core and discontent elements are coming out. That's why you need to just ignore the discontent stuff; if all goes well, it will continue to disintegrate as the core elements work their way into their natural, more prominent place in his life and yours.<p>(iv) Your patterns - You’ve already demonstrated two different patterns of behaviour that have hurt you very much. The first were those you used when you essentially to meet your spouses needs they are the primary reason you are having marital problems right now. Those patterns of behaviour essentially caused fine layers of ‘residue’ or film to build up on the outside of your spouses’ “A” so much so that the feelings inside “A” have a very difficult time coming out. <p>If it isn’t too late, and as you will see it probably isn’t, enough of those feelings are still alive and wanting to function like and even better than before. The second set of behaviours were those you showed when you finally realised your relationship and marriage were in very very serious trouble it was the words you said and the things you did when the Bomb went off. In both cases, you acted and reacted in the way(s) you thought best and they weren’t. Right now, you need to ‘crack’ your existing mindset so you can face and deal with reality. And, the reality about divorce busting is that 99% of the outcome likelihood is determined by how well the person follows the divorce busting protocol, to use a medical term. It's flexible and wide sweeping enough such that once someone catches on to it, their life changes almost instantly, and an unbelievable peace comes over them.<p>They reach a 'centre of gravity' point, a sweet spot, kind of a MAGICAL space in the centre of all of the Special “As If” Attitude stuff. They understand the principles involved, and apply them in a strict but not too-strict sense. They give most of your energy toward their spouse and marriage, but they do it by working on themselves, making themselves a happier and more desirable person, someone who is always doing the ‘right’ and good things. <p>They no longer feel they don't have any influence on what's happening right now in their most personal relationship. They KNOW they have a whole lot to say about its outcome so much say, they become peaceful about themselves and the future with or without spouse, and, yes, they still want their spouse and their marriage. And, the truth is that because of what they do, if the marriage makes it will be much better than before.<p>If you want a tool that can accelerate the ‘cracking’ process, this one works. Write up what you would recommend to a new poster here, whose circumstances are identical to yours. Describe it using your highest understanding of good divorce busting. This requires a complete rethink of current situation, exclusively from a divorce busting perspective. <p>It's a headknocker. It does the trick. It works MAGIC. The magic happens real fast when someone can do that. The key really is thinking through and making sure your words and actions are solid divorce busting-wise before you say or do them. <p>To successfully do this depends on the depth of your commitment how long it takes you to discard the baggage beliefs you have about where things really are and what you really can do about them. Baggage beliefs were useful to us at an earlier time, but now prevent us from accepting the beliefs we need now in order to do a better job at whatever it is that God wants us to really do while we are here. They include beliefs about ourselves are we what we want and know we need to be and then of others always mindful we have a Big Time Helper in God, if we keep ourselves and our relationships consistent with being a truly good person all the time.<p>Your spouse's patterns. Two sets of patterns of behaviour your spouse has displayed are important here. <p>1. Early Warning Signals - These are the behaviours you didn’t pay enough attention to. They were the road signs a dangerous road lay ahead. From the many hundreds, here are a few typical signals. <p>Spouse indicated he wanted to talk about your relationship to help improve it. Spouse talked about people you know who were having marital difficulties. Started showing more dissatisfaction and anger than ‘normal’. You upset him far more easily than usual. Complaints the two of you didn’t really talk like you used to. Less touching, then, maybe none. The automatic ‘I love you’ wasn’t heard as often, and isn’t heard now, except “as a friend”.<p>2. The Bomb and its Aftermath. “Hello!”, “Anybody Home?”, Brave New World, Armageddon. Some typical signals:<p>Separation, talked or done. Lawyer. Needs time and space for themselves; its important to them. Doesn’t want to lie to you, but feels you don’t want to hear “the truth”. Coldness. Love you, but its not the same. Friend. Doesn’t care about your feelings. Selfish. Hate you. Self-centred. Confused. Different friends. Another woman. Another man. Children. Finances. Emotions. Divorce. Indifference. What? <p>During this period, your spouse may not want to admit to themselves or may not even realise, but the confusion itself means they still are not unsure about leaving you, about letting you go some part is still holding on and hoping for a happy ending. Detaching spouses go through a series of phases or steps either toward or away from their mates. The series taken by detaching spouses who end up back with and committed to their mates consists of three phases:<p>(i) withdrawn
(ii) transition
(iii) intimacy<p>see http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3600_state.html <p>(i) In order for the Withdrawn spouse to get to Intimacy, he must pass through a Transition zone. Lets assume your spouse is in the Withdrawal phase. Right now your spouses’ Taker side is trying to convince him that you are not worth the effort, and he should engage in emotional divorce. Your spouse no longer feels emotionally bonded or in love, and emotional defences are raised. He doesn’t want to meet your needs.

They are or have given up on you meeting their needs. They want independence. They withdraw, you essentially withdrew when you earlier failed to recognise and deal with your spouses’ early warning signals. There is less care in the relationship. You aren’t trusted. You don’t have their respect. You have to use your Special “As If” Attitude to influence your spouses’ behaviour to the next desirable step. <p>(ii) Transition where very carefully both parties start to consciously or subconsciously work to improve the marriage, though the detached spouse may not be aware of it. This is the activity that crosses you from being in the Confusion state to Centring and on into Completion. <p>During this period you and your spouse will likely be communicating in a relative open manner. He will be expressing what he wants, and you won’t like some of that. You will take heart in the fact that most of the most common ‘threats’ posed by detaching spouses do not come true, and when they do, it just means a little more work is to be done. You don’t give up. Some of the needed changes may take a while to show, to express themselves in a clear way. If, after a suitable passage of time, you haven’t seen results in one area, change what you are doing, you are putting together a group of behaviours that are good for you and for your spouse and marriage. How long is a suitable time? Good question. <p>Have observed that if you follow one set of behaviours for 4 to 6 weeks, your spouse will tend to believe 'that’s' the way you are. Whenever you reach a point where you are certain your spouse 'knows how you are', then change how you are always in a way that is positive for you and the family, but that your spouse may not realise. This is a dynamic thing you are dealing with. That’s why it is imperative you have the right tools to work with. If you still don’t have the book, get it.<p>In the Transition zone, conversation ranges from being disrespectful, resentful and even hateful to kind and polite and together-oriented. Mutual self-centredness replaces selfishness. Your Taker still tries to see to it that you are treated fairly. The problem, of course, is that your Taker does not know how to treat your spouse with that same fairness. Fairness is viewed by the Taker as getting its way at all costs. Couples are still emotionally bonded and that makes the pain of thoughtlessness even worse. Love units are withdrawn at a very fast rate, and then start to be deposited at a slow but increasing rate. They may still hope that the hurting will stop, but they don't trust each other to stop the madness, and then it does a little and a little more. <p>During this period you start meeting your spouses emotional needs again a little bit at a time, then a little more. You don't want your spouse to be fully aware this is what is happening; at first it works on deep subconscious levels. You must calm down his Taker. That’s where the Special “As If” Attitude comes in. In the Transition Zone, the Taker in you and in your spouse urges you and him to return pain whenever its received. You stop the cycle. You don’t return pain for pain. You do it in a loving, but not submission way, you do it with respect for your mate and yourself, you don’t return pain for pain. This is a very important change of behaviour that has a major impact on the dynamics of the relationship. <p>(iii) In the Intimacy stage, you and your spouse will have re-bonded and will be consciously working on your relationship, with our prayers going with you.<p>D. Design - In designing your Special “As If” Attitude, it must be sensitive to and framed around the emotional needs of your spouse. Affection, Sexual Fulfilment, Conversation, Recreational Companionship, Honesty and Openness, An Attractive Spouse, Financial Support, Domestic Support, Family Commitment and Admiration see <p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html <p>It must include a positive outlook on life; no one likes negativity it repels. It must be compassionate. This is a compassion 'game'. Compassion in that you have to care and act in ways that hurt you to the core, but that are necessary if you are going to allow your real love for your mate to overcome the needs you have right now. <p>Do not blame your spouse for the problems in the marriage. You must ignore some words and actions of your spouse, though they may deeply hurt. You must put your spouse in First Place in a way you’ve never done before. The design must balance needs, needs you have as a person, needs your spouse has as a person and needs of your marriage. <p>You must first think of yourself. You must be of strong and clear mind to most effectively deal with the issues in your marriage. In order for you to do this, you must rest more than you have been, you must eat regular, balanced meals, and you must keep yourself in good physical condition. Most importantly, you must think about your well-being and your future. You will still have a future even if all of your efforts fail. But, odds greatly favour that if you will faithfully adopt and live the Special “As If” Attitude, you will win the full love of your spouse back and your marriage will end up stronger than ever.<p>Your spouse has two sets of needs that are important right now. The needs he feels right now, and his core value, “A”, needs. You need to meet the needs your spouse has right now, the ones that reinforce his core values and ignore the rest. You do this by acting as if you were their friend. Back off from being a spouse and let part of you become more of a friend to your spouse. Tell them you just want to be their friend right now. Then back it up. But be a very very special friend, one who never gets on their butt because they disagree with them. Its OK to disagree with something your spouse says or does, “I understand how you feel”, “I can relate to that”, “I can understand why that made you feel that way“, etc. You are not saying you agree with their opinion or belief about something, rather that you are agreeing that you understand how they feel. Big difference. Your Special “As If” Attitude is sensitive to the emotional and physical realities of your particular situation. Here’s an example:<p>There are two major phases in developing your Special “As If” Attitude. The first phase is where you put forth a certain type of behaviour that is made up of the ‘what-you-got-to-do’s’. Positive outlook. Being a friend. Those sorts of things. You adopt all of that as soon as you possibly can. And, by “adopt”, its meant those attitudes become you, they become so strong in you that regardless of what your spouse says or does, regardless, you keep those attitudes. They serve you in ways that are almost mysterious, they must be stronger than your weakest point, they must be stronger than how you normally react to something, including emotionally. They must be stronger than any pain your spouse can inflict on you. You must commit and stick to them. Period.
After you have the core attitudes solidly in place and you will know when this occurs, then, its time for you to shift the management or control of the relationship from your spouse to you. Right now your spouse thinks they know you, your patterns of behaviour so well and they are ‘certain’ you can’t do anything to change the way they feel about you.<p>“One of the basic ideas in my book is that if what you're doing isn't working, do something different.<p>"Do your own thing" philosophy is a good one if you have been pleading, begging or trying to control what your spouse is thinking or feeling. If, on the other hand, your spouse has felt unimportant or neglected in the past, your quietly sitting back and not fighting for him might be misinterpreted as your not caring enough to do something about his actions. You see, what you need to do depends entirely on what you have or haven't been doing in the past. The key is in abandoning strategies that haven't been working and finding something new that does work.”<p>Whatever pigeonhole your spouse has placed you into, this is the behaviour you must change. You must surprise your spouse by handling the situation differently the next time. Any change might do as long as it is different enough for your spouse to notice, even just a little. Be creative, use your imagination. The single guideline is: <p>The next time you get into the situation where you feel tempted to do the same old thing, do something different. You don’t make changes in a lot of your behaviour, rather you make calculated changes in one or two areas. Then you see what happens. The changes that produce positive reactions in your spouse, you keep. And, remember, 'new and different' is the order of the day. Lets say you are usually home when your spouse comes in, be gone. Always act happy if you haven’t been doing so. Use actions and words that cause your spouse to think you are moving on with your life even if he's in a bad mood. Do things without your spouse. Stay clear of your spouse when they are in a bad mood. Try just about anything you haven’t tried before and watch the results. If you normally take his calls when they come in, don’t, wait two hours if you normally call back immediately; if you normally get back to morning calls in the afternoon, wait until the next morning. If he knows you always do one certain thing at one certain time of the week or month, do something else, or nothing. If you always talked and planned on doing something you haven't done, do it, a class you wanted to take, a trip you wanted to make, something at home you wanted to fix, etc. This will fulfill a dream of yours and add credibility to the changes you have made. If you are a laid back person, then fighting for your marriage is what the doctor ordered; if, on the other hand, your spouse perceives you as controlling or strong willed, backing off is exactly what you need to do.<p>And, very important, the Special “As If” Attitude doesn’t get angry. While there well may be a time when it is good for you to act angry with your spouse, its probably best to put off such actions until you really understand what you are doing otherwise it can hurt your cause.<p>Your Special “As If” Attitude doesn’t blame your spouse for the condition your marriage is in right now. While both of you may have contributed to its decay, for right now you must recognise you did not properly take care of your spouses’ emotional needs. Right now, your spouses’ perception of what is wrong with you and your marriage is more important than your perception of what is wrong. The thing about it, though, is that your spouse is more confused than he realises and, that’s why the Special “As If” Attitude pays very close attention to what the spouse says and it doesn’t believe much of it. You keep the ‘good’ and acknowledge the rest. In dealing with your spouse, you reinforce the good those words and actions that serve to reinforce core “A” values, without appearing to do so, and you acknowledge, not accept, the rest.<p>Your Special “As If” Attitude does not force anything on your spouse. It starts with you, yourself, and you have to trust he will see the changes. This does not happen over night.<p>Your Special “As If” Attitude is used with everyone, including your spouse, your family, and your friends. Make it a point that friends and family hear your side of the story first and best and most reasonably, if possible. This will tend to reduce the amount of 'support' your spouse gets from those sources. The less support he gets, the better it is for you and him and the relationship. Few people remain in the same place if they are not supported in that place. If your spouse feels that friends and family 'understand' what he is doing, he will keep doing it for a much longer time than if they don't.<p>Your Special “As If” Attitude takes care of you and how you look. If you will step up about a notch in what you wear, this will have a positive impact on your spouse. They don't expect this to happen. When it does, they like what they see and the subconscious message you send is one of 'change'. Your self-esteem will improve and you will look better around more people. <p>Your Special “As If” Attitude includes a positive outlook. Stop worrying about things you can’t fix, like the past, and work on the things you can change, the present, the here and now, YOU. It will take time and hard work on your part to show him what a great person you are, to remind him why he loves you, and convince him your changes are here to stay. Moping around and feeling sorry about your situation will not convince anyone of anything. If he recognises you have made changes and says the changes have come too late, you need to recognise what is most important he is noticing the changes, ignore the rest and just keep working on YOU!<p>The Special “As If” Attitude model assumes typically there is a power imbalance in the marriage relationship, where one partner is submissive the other dominant. In a good marriage, there is equality, meaning that partners are able to easily switch back and forth where each is dominant some of the time and the other submissive some of the time. Things are truly shared. When there is an imbalance, the submissive one feels unable to gain equality within the marriage, and goes outside to redress the balance of power. When the submissive partner decides for independence, the dominant one panics and goes for dependence to hold on, resulting in deadlock. The submissive one becomes the deceiver, the dominant the denier. In deception, the spouse becomes a different person doing new things, often finding a new person. The denier holds on by not recognising the spouse's changes, signals of despair & rebellion, hoping they will go away. It takes two to go the route of divorce, every deceiver needs a denying spouse. <p>Getting out of the marriage is an act of desperation, and often felt as an act of survival. You don't need to divorce to break out of the destructive pattern, just change it. You break with the old, which is where the problem is, to do something totally different.<p>Your Special “As If” Attitude allows for you to be wrong, for you to make an error in judgment without losing your balance without taking backward steps or even falling backwards. Do not expect your spouse to SNAP back. It doesn’t happen that way. It happens because what you do leads to some very tiny baby steps, that become toddler steps, that keep changing into longer, more sure-footed strides and, along the way you will screw up and make a mistake, some may almost break your heart but don’t show it to your spouse. Sometimes you may feel depressed; this is normal, but don't let your spouse see or hear you this way. If you will ‘get’ the real message permeating Michele’s materials, it is that everyone makes mistakes, many lead to serious marital situations, and, being human, we can learn how to do better, how to improve ourselves and all of our relationships, including the one that is the present centre of attention and actually DO IT!<p>Some of you may think the adoption and living of this Special “As If” Attitude is too difficult to do. Perhaps because of the pain you feel. The Special “As If” Attitude is all about reducing pain and restoring relationships and loves and marriages and families. <p>Use every ounce of will and help from God you can muster, and commit to and DO IT! It works.<p>Reach deeper within yourself than the pain and hurt you are feeling then DO IT!<p>If you are a woman, imagine the type of woman that is very attractive to a man, a woman with the kind of attitude that is attractive to a man, the kind of woman a great wife would be. If you are a man, imagine the type of man that is very attractive to a woman, a man with the kind of attitude that is attractive to a woman, the kind of man a great husband would be. That image has components that that are different from some of your components right now. Energise that new attitude with powerful positive emotions. You can do it. Practice it and you will get to a point, pretty quickly, where there will be a solid meeting or merger or congruence between your re-framed attitude and the emotions that empower it. When you feel it slipping some, then re-establish it the same way you got it there in the first place. <p>When the 'new' you feels comfortable, go through all of the good and 'bad' stuff that can happen with your spouse. Specific things. Decide with your Special “As If” Attitude how you will deal with those things if they happen. Of course, you will use your highest understanding of the divorce busting principles when you address stuff that might happen. The net effect will be that you definitely will worry less, and worry contributes to ambiguity and poor decisions. You will worry less because you will have a much more accurate understanding of what is really going on in your relationship, odds greatly favour it isn’t near as bleak as it may appear and you will know you are dealing with it in a way that works and, you will be happier because you will know down deep that you are doing the stuff that is best for you, and for your spouse and the marriage.<p>Oh, a minor point, this will also have a tremendous impact on your spouse. It will tend to drive him or her a little (more) nuts for a bit, when he finds that various reactions s/he has learned to expect from you don't happen, and instead something fresh and clean and pure does. This works on a number of levels, at the same time. Remember, the outlook is not as bleak as you think, once you understand the book, read the forums suggested to you along with a few hundred of the posts here, you will know that is the truth. The more you learn, the more you will understand how and why to always keep the right attitude. The more you learn, the less stress and anxiety you will feel, while you really work on improving your marriage. <p>One more thing, if you haven’t forgiven your spouse for the pain they have caused you, DO IT!
<hr></blockquote><p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Spacecase ]</p>