<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Honey ]</p>

You haven't replied to him, yet, have you??? Don't yet, k?<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</p>

oops...<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Honey ]</p>

Your quote for the day:<p>If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you always got.<p>or<p>The height of insanity is doing the same things over and over and expecting different results.<p> [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

First of all....your H doesn't need a role model at this point in his life....as an adult.....he needed that when he was a child and apparently never had it.<p>what you said in your email....have you forgotten who I am?<p>He hasn't forgotten....and you aren't showing him any signs of changing apparently. That is why he is still acting this way I'm assuming.<p>IMHO....you should discontinue any contact with his family altogether.<p>Focus on yourself and your children....leave your H and his family out of the picture for now.<p>It seems to me that you are using his family to get rid of your anger.....not doing you any good.
Seems more to me that you are calling them more out of anger than to enlighten them with their grandsons/sons doings. If they are truly in denial....then you will never be able to make then "see the light". It's not your position to do so really.<p>I think you really need to dig down and work on your anger....it seems to be an ongoing problem.<p>I didn't really see anything abusive about this email....unless you left some things out. The only thing I saw was him relating his thoughts.

Honey,<p>I have been more of lurker then a poster but I have been keeping up with your story. Today I really felt compelled to respond to your post. You sound so much like my friend after her fiancé cheated on her. She would stop contact and then call him again to get an explanation from him and then start asking him to try again. She would cry and talk to him in anger. All she did was push him farther and farther away. She was distraught and was always crying to all her friends. Many of us could not handle her emotional roller coaster. She lost a lot of friends. Her self-esteem went down the drain.<p>I am not saying that you are in the same situation, but I do agree with what Miss Priss is saying. You may not realize this but your children see everything you are doing. Do you want them to live with that? <p>The healthiest thing for you right now is to stop contact with him. <p>Green

Honey<p>I think that you should just forget about him for now. Get your head together and just leave him alone. Forget about his family too. You think that his Dad is a loser anyway.....why bother with him? Honey....just work on you. When you talk to him...you get upset and say things that you regret. Don't get me wrong here.....your H sounds like a big fat dope!!!! Once you get yourself together...maybe he will come around. Who knows??? Maybe you won't want him. <p>So he thinks you might try to kill him??? That is just nuts....and doesn't even dignify an answer. It shows that he's not thinking clearly.<p>Stay away from him....I know you miss your old life......it's hard....honest....I know. My H is so far gone now...I know he will never come home!
I do not contact him. It was very difficult for me to do....but I did it. This is what he wanted....to be away from me. I am so much better when I don't have to talk to him.<p>TRY!!! TRY!!! TRY!!! You can do this....you are a strong person. Just don't call him....don't talk about the relationship. Set a goal....Honey is going to not talk to H for 3 days.....on the 3rd day.....Honey is not going to talk to H fro 3 more days.<p>TRY.....<p>MAX

You love him..we know. So does he...He has not shown any REAL sign of wanting to come home...He may or may not ever come home..Please keep some dignity for yourself.<p>Point is...Recovery is HARD,much harder than the before,in my opinion. Honey, I'm sorry to say this..but I think you need to let him GO...and do whatever he's gonna do. You can't do anything about his family..they are thinking you are loony-tunes. And WE know why..but they will never see it.What he is doing is their NORMAL.<p>Cry,scream,kick stuff..and MOVE ON!!! Don't talk to him or his family..Take care of your children and yourself. My children were grown during the A,Thank GOD, because I didn't care what they did..I always have prided myself on being a great mom..and I wasn't post D-day or during the A. <p>It's time to get your life back...without him in it. Be thankful you have your children and find a way to be grateful for your freedom from this man who caused you so much pain. If he is meant to come back, he will....you can't make him love you.He either does or he doesn't.

And if you think this E-mail is abusive, you would never survive in My house..LOL The only questionable thing is the last paragraph and it is more silly than anything else. You are uinderstandably thin-skinned, perhaps?

Hi Honey. Let me start by saying I mean absolutely no offense by this and I'm not judging or criticizing you.<p>Many years ago my mom told me I was a drama queen and I said "no way, not me". I was offended and hurt and so upset by what she said. Now I know she was right. I WAS a drama queen and it seems I was the only one not seeing it.<p>Could you be over reacting in the emotional state you're in? I saw nothing abusive in your H's email. He seems sincere and he seems a bit concerned about your state of mind.<p>I don't know what happened with your phone call to his grandmother or in his call to you regarding a threat you allegedly made. I do no that it's time to back away. It's time to accept that his family doesn't want to hear from you and it's probably time you get into counseling. <p>He has made a few statements, according to you, about getting custody of your kids. I'm sure you don't want that to happen. Please, please get control of yourself and stay away from him. <p>You are worrying me. Again, please don't take offense but I keep thinking "Betty Broderick". Do you know who she is? She killed her former H and the OW that he married and although I can understand her frustration with the situation as it played out, two people are dead and her life is now lived in a prison cell.<p>I'm begging you to stop contact. NO ONE is worth this hell you are going through. Think of yourself but most importantly think of your precious children and do what's best for them.

Honey,<p>I know how much you hurt. We all do. <p>Honey, in all these months has your H changed at all? <p>What difference does it matter where your son's gift went? <p>Honey, I really believe you would be so much better off by having no contact with your H & his family. What good has contact done you?<p>Okay your in laws are jerks. do you need them? They can't change your H's behavior only your H can change it.<p>I asked my mil to talk to my STBX 3 yrs ago, I thought if anyone could reach him it would be her. All it did was to make him madder, think his family hated him & I think my mil regrets it to this day because their realationshiip is still strained. My in laws love thier son. My mil loves me too but it is her son.<p>Honey, it is so hard but let it go. Being angery is fine, vent it here but don't vent it at those people, it sounds as if they could use it against you.<p>Go back on meds, cut contact with your H. If you truly feel that your children are in danger when they are with your father, you need to do something legally. Don't use it as an excuse so you can be with your H. Let him come to you.<p>Honey, you can't keep this spiral that you go through, something has to give. Let it be that you jump off & don't play these games anymore. <p>Focus on Honey & those boys. I know that your parents are driving you crazy, but be thankful you have the help. Take advantage of it, enjoy it and thank them for it.<p>Honey, I like the idea of making a goal of no contact with your H for 3 days & then resetting it for another & another. <p>You can do this. It is hard but you can do it. GRITS can do anything.

Honey, don't panic. you feel absolutely lost right now and you are grasping at straws. Keep your pride. I know it is easy to do. I did that on our first d-day 2 years ago. Do the plan a. I think it drives them crazy. Remeber, he is so deep in the fog right now. All you can do is be that light shining for him on the other side. If you can't do that, plan-b. Rebuild, be good to yourself. Sounds to me like he has a pretty thick head and it might take him awhile to let things sink in. I know it feels impossible right now. I sometimes have my dounts and I am in the early stages of plan-a. You were smart enough to reach out for help here. It is the best place you can be right now. Ask yourself if it is all worth it? Make sure that you are ok. Do what you need to do to look out for number one. You.
You are in my prayers.
Layli

Hi and thanks to everyone... <p>Just to make this clear I am not betty broderick... I've seen the movies.... <p>I did not threaten grandma or him... OKEY dokey? My h sd that the fact that granny is upset because I told her the truth.. my h is on drugs and alco. and he has committed adultery.. and that his own dad committed adultery and also dealt drugs - was a poor example.. my h lived with daddy dearest from age 13 on... most of the time.. my h raised himself since dad was with girlfriends and cocaine... OK? <p>When I met my h in highschool I thought him cool and I thought the fact that he had freestyle or parents who did not tell him what to do was cool... I grew up majorly disciplined and taught to do what is right, moral and good...e tc. My H is like a nice person who partied... and relaxed and lived low stress... I liked it, aand I partied too... <p>Difference... I grew up.<p>My fil is a big jerk... <p>we know I cant stop saying that here... at least I am getting it out. My h lies, and threatens me... he is also reliving childhood trauma.. for yrs.. he told me.. when my older son turns 13.. he will leave so that my son can go and live with him... (SEE THAT IS WHAT HIS DADDDY DID)---<p>that is why i called grandma... since my h's real mother was about 17 when she had him and she tool off--- or was SCARED OFF BY this family and their money and connections... or at least pretense of them... whatever???? the father kept my h... his dad... also about 18- so the grandma is kind of the mom... she has been like a mom thru wife 2, 3 and now 4... wife 2 raised him .. and H did not find out until age 13 at the ARBYS DRIVE thru wehen his dad left wife number 2 for waitress who did cocaine... that he was going with his dad to live with ow and that his "MOM" was not his MOM just dads wife number 2.<p>WIfe number 2 , who raised my h until 13... when he ran away with ow and his coke snorting daddy is my good dear friend.. who has been through heelll and back with this stick the head in the sand family.<p>Granny is kind sweet church going bible study woman who met her h in high school or earlier.. and has had marriage for life.. he r h is also a alcoholic.. she still serves him his beer in a cup... the WHOLE FAMILY LIVES IN DENIAL... at family get togtehrs grandpa is very tipsy...<p>OK... I wanted to talk to grandma because H loves her and values her opiion... I wanted to tell her how her son messed up my h's life.. and see if she would help... we had 15 minute conversation where I lb'd some, but mostly just told her the truth and how hurt I was.. that NO ONE IN THE FMAILY would say a word to my H ... that what he is doing is wrong.. that is drinking, drugging and audltery... that I feel I am the only one who cares enought to try to help him or gcares about him going down the tube... SEE HIS DAD just denies it.. and lets H borrow money .. send gifts to h's house for my kids.. acts like seperation is all my fault since I am such a "bit)__) etc.<p>SO I am upet... but say only nice things about grandma to her.. but tell the truth about son and grandson (my H)... of course that burns up son... her son, my fil... he thinks I am trying to kill his mother by calling her.. she is 81- to me.. she is the only person who cares about my H in his family besides his step mom.. wife nubmer 2 of his dads.. who raised him..<p>but guess what.. his dad has for yrs sd that wife number 2 is NUTS>. and crazy.. that is why he had to leave her... OK?<p>and lied to his family aobut his adulterous.. relations... I know he fd the ow in his wives bed and in the pool in the backyard.. too at their home... ok... I know even more.. and it makes me ill.. this is the man who raised my H... <p>Poster man for abandoning your family... OK?<p>SOrry I know yall may or may not care about this story but getting it out feels better.<p>My h is now defenseive of dear old dad and denying his dad was a drug dealer.. HELLO>.. he told me all about it???? but see that was privaleged info...<p>I understand that it was in confidence.. I just feel all of the lies and head in the sand attitudes of this family ... are killing my h.. and my kids chance of growing up with their dad and my chance of having a good marriage... <p>SEE they are all in DENIAL...<p>I think I need an alanon meeting ... right friends.<p>I will leave H alone.. have not called tongiht and will not... (he will start to wonder) and I will not contact his family again.. they are not my friends and I see that... I just hate that all of this had to happen >. I used to love his parents... but when he treats me bad.. so do they.<p>If that all made since either my H or his dad made up the story I was trying to kill granny... WHAT??? ehello>>>> ??? I was trying to get some help wioth this nutty situation... NO ONE bothers to mention to my h... he has responsibilities to his wife and kids... ????<p>Well anyway... I am stepping back and I am tired... it is like all went down the drain with the adultery and without a solid recovery plan ..???<p>I know I have lb'ed... I am sorry... but hell... what about all the lbing I get??? isn't he supposed to care and love me... and the day before he left we were getting along fine... <p>I was not this nut he now paints me as.. it has all been my reaction to the A and the seperation that he uses to say why he thinks I am a nut...??/ who would not be so hurt?///<p>I am going to vent here, in my diary , etc.. but not to him.. he does not want to admit the pain he caused.
thanks so mcuh for all of your support.. I am calming down.
Honey

<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Honey ]</p>

Honey,<p>vent here all you want.<p>but right now whatever you do with your h & his family always seems to backfire on you. remember that next time you want to call.

honey, I post very rarely, but I have infact been reading your threads for a good while now (months).
I see your cries for help, your anger, and your abusive (yes, abusive) behaviour towards anyone that does not agree with you. Ok, so your hubby/soon to be ex hubby is a drunk and a drug addict, so what? You are the one that has to make the decision, do I want to be with a drunk druggy, or do I want to pick myself up, brush myself off, and make a better life for me and my kids?????? Forget about "Back then" and "what if" and "happily ever after", it ain't gonna happen!
All you can do by continuing your pushmepullyou relationship with your exstranged husband is to confuse your kids further as to what a real, healthy relationship should be. You go on about his father........ what is your son (assuming you have one) going to say about his father, given the anger you express towards him regualarly? and if you have a daughter, are you showing her how to lead her life?
Please realize, you are helping no one, not your kids, your husband or yourself, by posting such anger and poison on a public/private message board that just about anyone can access. What if he was to read, copy, and print out some of the stuff you have posted? your anger is a fearful thing to me, and I do not presume to know you.<p>Make the break, forget the dreams, accept the reality, cause that is all that is left, beside a world of pain that you cling to.
Sorry if this is too harsh for MB, but this situation has to stop , sorry to say, buy you are hurting others as well as yourself<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: lyndy666 ]</p>

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[QUOTE]ok, I erased some... I guess I am way too free with my info... I will reserve the intimate details for my private conversations.<p>H

[QUOTE]????<p>Well