[QUOTE]Originally posted by Honey:
[QB]

Honey -- I have been following your posts and my heart really goes out to you. You do need to get off this roller coaster for you and your boys. I am sorry to say this, but your WH needs to get his head out of his rump and until he does you should have nothing to do with him. I'm sure that is easier said than done. I know it is hard. I have alcoholics in my family and so does my WH. I know what you are going through. It's like watching somebody drown but not being able to help them because they are thrashing around so much if you tried to help you'd endanger your own life.<p>I am going to bed tonight praying for you and hoping you can see that you need to not get in touch with him in any way for awhile -- it appears to be destroying you.<p>Peace and faith.

Some people never get over their childhoods...Your H sounds like one of those...His childhood sounds like MINE...and I am a BS.M and faithful for 29 yrs!! My mother was a "serial OW" in my teen yrs,after three(COUNT 'EM) 3 marriages before I was 12.<p>She was only 29 when I was 12, with 3 failed marriages...and she is/was...a very self centered,genuine nut case. I partied, I was promiscuous..But I married at 18...and worked HARD not to be like my mother..Your H,for whatever reason, needs to love his dad...My sister is like that, she sees things in our mother that are not there and when our mother disappoints her, yet again, she hurts.I see my mother for what she is...and while I can say I love her,I never trusted her. So I don't expect much. And,at 47, I no longer NEED my mommy.I was always the the mommy in her houselhold, anyway, to a much younger brother and sister.<p>Until your H gets help, HIMSELF, you cannot help him. All you are doing is putting yourself at risk and doing damage to your children.I raised myself,too, and was not policed...BUT I was responsible for my brother and sister..so I had to stay somewhat focused.<p>HELP YOURSELF and stop having unrealistic expectations from a man who is happy being separated...Yes, he DOES have a responsibility to you and the kids..but you can't MAKE him fulfill it..All the fathers abandoned us, as kids...it happens..We had grandparents who loved us,We ARE OK people. There is nothing fair about this, honey...NOTHING but you can rise above it..and be the better person..You ABSOLUTELY have it in you.

Morning Honey,<p>We all have a way of holding onto our childhood especially when such negative things happened in our lives no matter who raised us. <p>My H's father was physically and emotionally abusive to my MIL for 17 yrs. There was 6 children involved. His father was a womanizer, gambler, alcoholic, abuser, and more. He use to line the kids up and throw knives at their feet. He would disappear for weeks at a time. He wouldn't allow my MIL to work so they had no money. The kids had to steal and hustle for food and money. They lived off of ketchup at times. <p>It wasn't until they got older that one of my H's sisters got the nerve to stand up to him. She was the only one. His father could tell that about her. One day his father had them all come in the house. He had turned on all the gas in the house and closed all the windows and doors. One of his sisters smelled the gas and yelled at them all to get out of the house. <p>His father had another family living in another part of town for years. They didn't know this until they were all teenagers. His father would take his paychecks and just disappear for weeks and then come home with grocerries and gifts. The kids would all run to him and love him and thank him. My MIL included [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] . This was a normal routine for them. <p>Most nights he would get drunk out at a bar or wherever he happened to be gambling that night. He was most abusive on these nights. My MIL would have them all sleeping in their clothes. As soon as they heard the car, my MIL would wake them up and they would all run out the back door. They would end up at another family members house or friends. Each time he would come find them bringing food and gifts and my MIL would fall back into the same old s%#t. <p>You see.....my husband, though not physically abusive, followed in his father's footsteps. He doesn't have another family somewhere, throw knives, try to kill, or physically abuse us. Thank God. But he gambles, drinks, pulls disappearing acts, and is a straight womanizer. Financially, he is the most irresponsible person I know. I hate to say this about him, but it's true. <p>I use to tell him all the time he was just like his father. One day his father was doing one of his usual abusive skits. He had all of them lined up in the living room. The one sister that stood up to him came home with her boyfriend. For some reason my H and his two younger syblings were sent out of the house. My H says he had never seen his sister look the way she did that night. <p>When his father went to hit their mother, his sister grabbed a gun that her boyfriend had in his pocket and aimed it at their father. His father looked at her and said her name. She said to him that she was going to kill him. She shot him. He fell to the floor, looked up at my H's sister, and said, "I love you", then died. She was 16. My H watched his father get shot by his older sister and die from the window. <p>Even through it all, my H still recalls the days at the park with his father. He says he misses him. His two older sisters are alcoholics and drug addicts to this day. The oldest sister can't hold a job. I think psychologically they were all damaged because of their father. All the older syblings as well as my H and his younger brother struggle with daily life, jobs, relationships, marriage, drugs, and alcohol. One thing they are good at, is having babies. <p>Their drama goes on and on. I couldn't and won't live with a man like that. My H is such a man. I don't really talk with his family unless they call. He rarely talks to his own family. When he comes to my parents house, he is so envious of the life my family has had and do have. We get into arguments every time we are here together. I know why now. <p>Now he tries to avoid my family as much as possible. He says he doesn't fit in. I think he feels guilty for doing what he has done to me and he feels he has no right to be in my parents house let alone their presence. Sad.<p>I feel very sorry for what my H went through as a child, but that gives him no right to do these same things to me and his child. I put up with it for over 10 yrs. No more for this lady. My D and I deserve better. I love him and pray for him, but that is all I can do for him. He has to help himself now. I have to protect myself and my D. <p>I am no longer playing the victim. I am tired of complaining, crying, and being angry all the time. That is not who I am. Through all the trials and tribulations of my M, it has taken its toll. It has changed me. I refuse to remain the way it has changed me. I want a better life for myself and my D and I am grabbing it. Now or never.<p>You see, you are the holder and maker of your life, your dreams, your goals, your desires, your needs. You can choose to remain in the situation you're in, playing the victim, or you can do something about it. Simple as that. It all comes down to choices you have to make for yourself. You do or you don't, you will or you won't, yes or no, your M or you are not. That's what I've learned. <p>I can't control or change you, my H, or anyone else, but d#@%it, I can control and change myself. That is all I need to know. I leave the rest in the Lord's hands. He knows what's best for me. I'll let Him worry about it [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] . Because of my new found strength, I know I will be ok no matter what anyone does that may hurt me. <p>Let it go, Honey. For yourself and those precious children of yours. You will feel better, happier, wiser, loving, new, confident, and at peace with yourself if you just do it. I know it [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] . <p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: INTHECLOUDS320 ]<p>[ June 14, 2002: Message edited by: INTHECLOUDS320 ]</p>

Clouds, <p>Wow, how wonderful of you to share your story in the hopes that Honey can be helped. It sure takes one who has been there to understand.<p>It sounds like your family has been very supportive and good to you and your D. You are wise beyond your years and have learned from the pain.<p>My 1st H was an alcoholic and although I didn't go through nearly what you have been through and he did not have the horrendous childhood your H had; he was still never able to get his life together.<p>Sadly, I found out a few days ago that he died last week at age 47. Sounds terrible to say; but I felt relief that I have been out of his life for the last 12 years; and therefore do not feel responsible that he died so young. I had to get out of that marriage to save my life and I did. I just wish he could have made something out of his life. Maybe he did; but from what I've heard from his mother it's hard to say. Hope Honey listens to your story and learns from your pain. Thanks, CSue