Hello everyone!<p>I don't post that much any more, so most of y'all probably don't know who I am. The briefest recap is that I had an extended EA with a younger woman (mostly through e-mail and phone) that culminated in a PA one night two years ago. After the PA, I immediately told my W, cut off all contact with the OW and tried to work with my W on re-constructing our M. We've had a pretty good recovery to date, though it's gone in fits and starts and has been as emotionally draining as everyone else's, I suppose. Today, my W and I are in a pretty good place with each other, and for that I'm hugely grateful.<p>My issue is that I have, periodically over the past year, gotten e-mails from the OW. I don't read them, have always deleted them immediately, and have always told my W when one arrived. After a lengthy hiatus, I've gotten one or two again in the past few weeks. I've set my computer up to automatically delete anything coming from her address, so I shouldn't even have to know that one has been sent in the future, but there's always the phone. . . . <p>I guess the question I'm seeking advice on is whether its appropriate to send another "no-contact" e-mail to the OW, letting her know that I really don't want to see or hear from her ever again, and that it's not okay for her to continue e-mailing me. My W and I have discussed the issue, and she doesn't seem to have an opinion either way. When I initially cut off contact, I wrote her a letter that, while saying "goodbye," in retrospect was very warm and could have left the door open in her head that future contact would be okay after everything "settled down." She called me around this time last year, and I tried to be firmer, saying that I was trying to put all this behind me, that it wasn't okay to call, etc., but I probably never said the words "I don't ever want to hear from you again." <p>I've not responded or sent another "no-contact" letter because I've wanted to avoid getting involved in a conversation with the OW, and felt that by simply not responding, she would get the picture and, not to be blunt, go away. Part of this is probably due to the fact that I'm on the passive side -- just ignore the bad stuff and hope it goes away, that sort of guy. Part of it is that I didn't want to be needlessly cruel; there's nothing that I could say to her that wouldn't be hurtful, and I've hurt to many people in all this to want to keep on doing it.<p>I know some of you will jump on me that I'm putting the OW's needs before my W's, but let me assure you that my W has been involved in every step of this process, is aware of everything that's gone on, and also has no wish for me to willfully hurt someone's feelings, even the OW's, if it can be avoided.<p>So the question for the floor, is: Is a no-contact e-mail in this context a good idea? Or should I just continue the silence on the assumption that she'll eventually take the hint and go away? Any replies would be hugely appreciated. Thanks, hope everyone's well!

Hmmm, this is a bit of a tough one, but my gut says to continue to not respond.<p>I would either: block her from your email if that's possible, or simply change your email address and close the first one.<p>
Hang in there!!

If it would make you feel better I say send another one. As long as W knows you are and why you want to. OW is going to be hurt either way and you know ripping the bandaid off slower prolongs the hurt. If you don't feel you were straightforward before, be straightforward now. End it completely so you can move on. :
Layli

Tax, <p>My thought is to send the no-contact letter that is in SAA. I wish I had known about it before H & I sent our version of no-contact.<p>The reason I think another letter is in order is the OW may be interpreting your non responsiveness as "Not interested now; but maybe in future", since you said you were warm in your no-contact letter.<p>I think if it were signed by you and you W it would have even greater impact.<p>That's my vote! CSue

Ink me up there with CSue. If you decide to send a new NC letter, cc your W on it so that OW knows you POJA'd the letter and it's your position as a couple to terminate contact with OW.<p>Don't let OW try to continue the lie.

Hi,
I would vote for first of all making sure whatever you deceide is POJA with your wife. So, it seems that every once in awhile the OW has to contact you and test the waters or whatever. I would say if you cannot make it so she cannot contact you... change phone and email, then maybe you should consider a no contact letter as in the book. One that makes it perfectly clear that there is no chance whatsoever that you want to hear from her. Maybe you can look at it as a way to set her free to find someone for herself instead of whatever keeps her somehow needing to keep a conection with you after all this time and so little response. Allow her to have final closure on this situation. Somehow I think alot of OW like to think you really cannot be happy with the wife you claimed to be unhappy with during the affair, so they hold out hope that your marraige is going badly.<p>Good luck with whatever you deceide.

Sorry you had to come back on MB with this.<p>I think you and your W should send a short note telling her to please stop emailing you or contacting you in any way. Nothing more nothing less.<p>Then you should block her address again and get rid of that email account and open up another one if you have to have one. <p>If it hurts her you'll never know, will you? If she can use the phone to call you then maybe you should change your phone numbers too. <p>Do what it takes to get her out of you and your W's lives. That's all.<p>Just my thoughts.
InTheClouds

Taxman....I think you ought to sit down with your wife and constuct the letter together or at least show the letter to your wife before you send it. This will give your wife a feeling that she means more than the OW. I think she will get great satisfaction out of sending the letter with you. <p> I also agree with changing your e-mail address. Maybe come up with a joint one with your wife so there are no secrets. This will help rebuild the trust that was lost. Your wife will feel like you are doing all you can and you are willing to be open an honest with her with all your mail.<p> As long as your taking the lead in the marriage recovery it will show your wife that you finally get it and you no longer have the desire to stray again. I think you will see the trust being built back to. <p>
Love in Christ<p> cajunky<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: cajunky ]</p>

Taxman,<p>I am not in your wife's head, neither do I know her, but I think I am not too far away when I tell you the following:<p>1) She won't say "Dear I think you DEFINETELY have to send another NC letter". She will want you, to decide to do so on your own, and include her into it. There is no greatest sign of recovery than a WS volunteering, on their own to do such thing, and it really makes us BS feel much better.<p>2) DO send the NC letter, my WH never did set things completely straight, black and white with the xOW, and she kept trying to get into everything untill she got tired of spending money on long distance calls that only I answered to. To this date I have problems dealing with my WH never shutting the door and nailing in so it would NEVER EVER be reopened in either side.

Alostwife:<p>Very good advice! I hope your H will do that for you one day! <p>I hope MY WW will do something like this for me someday, too [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks 2long, I do hope my husband and yours do so too.<p>Mine has asked me several times if I think he should, but I cant bring myself to just say: "For Pete's sake do it! It is driving me insane, can't you see???"<p>Now he's been getting the idea, starting to call people who he needed to have closure with and set records straight.<p>Problem is, the OW is extremely paranoid, I am guessing bordering schizophrenia, (runs deep in her family, and I am not kidding), so she makes sure of never listing her phone number. I recently found that she let it slip on the internet and has her picture and e-mail posted in the web page of the place she works in as lab rat... I mean... assistant. Bad thing is that her e-mail doesn't work (he tried sending a NC-farewell e-mail of sorts, and it bounced, I made my little comp wiz act and found out that the place hasn't even validated the mail client, so it is only there for show i guess).<p>My H has been saying he will find out her phone # from one of her friends, but all he does is go round and round on it, repeating himself like a broken record, and it makes me anxious, because everytime he says he is going to do it my adrenaline skyrockets, I feel nervous, and relieved at the same time, and then... *ploof*, lame exacuse:<p>"Oh I was going to ask her friend, but there was no way to park near her building at work".<p>"Oh I was going to find out, but I had to turn around because I heard someone had a bad case of the cuties at her office". [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>He is a BIG conflict avoider, and a BIG GIANT chicken sometimes. He might be learning, I just wish he could have more spine.<p>Anybody knows a good effective way to find unlisted phone #'s???<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Alostwife ]</p>

Alostwife:<p>I'd have him write a snail mail letter that you sign. IF he absolutely has to call her on the phone, MAKE SURE you are there when he calls!

Yeah, I am not liking the phone idea either, not because I think he may light the spark again, but because he is most likely to call her very very bad names and stuff [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . He really doesn't like her an itsy tiny bit, he pretty much hates her and feels very very embarrased that he even talked to her ever.<p>She moves a lot apparently, I know in which city she is in, her work number and work address, but I don't think it would be nice to send anything to the workplace, no matter how you dislike the person.<p>My H wrote a brief NC letter, it came to say something like: <p>"I'd just like to let you know that back when I stopped answering your calls I left some things unsaid.
I am not your friend, I don't miss you, neither think of you.
I don't even like you as a person anymore. You were never nice to me (unless you were getting a profit out of it), and I really don't appreciate the way you used me.
I just want to let you know I don't ever want to hear from you, know you or have any asociation with you.
This letter might sound harsh, but so are my feelings about the matter, I feel ashamed of myself and on how I let myself get involved with you on the first place.<p>Farewell."

My sincerest thanks to all who replied, and I apologize for taking so long to extend those thanks!<p>For those who suggested blocking/changing my e-mail or changing my phone number, believe me, I've thought about it, but that's not easy to do on my work account. I've blocked her address from my personal e-mail accounts, but the work account is controlled by the sysop folks. To permanently block her address, or to change my e-mail address, I'd need a pretty good reason in their eyes, and I'm not comfortable explaining to them why I want it (nor would my wife be comfortable with it -- she's worked very hard to "protect" me throughout this). Ditto re the business phone. <p>I HAVE set up my work e-mail account so that anything coming from her address is automatically deleted. I can kind of tell when that happens (new msg symbol shows, but nothing in the inbox), but the system also automatically deletes "junk" mail, so I don't think I'll really know whether something has been from her. Perhaps that should be enough for now.<p>I did write another "no contact" e-mail, just to get it out of my system, and if I ever decided to send it, I'll certainly share it with my W and get her input. It's at the end of this. Any thoughts on it would be welcomed. Thank you again for all your help!<p> * * *<p>XXXXX:<p>I've noticed recently that several e-mails from your address have passed through my inbox. Some of them appeared to be forwarded jokes, and so may not have been specifically addressed to me (I deleted each of them without reading them, so I'm not sure). Even if they weren't specifically addressed to me, the fact that I continue to receive e-mails from you (there have been at least half a dozen over the past little while) tells me that I wasn't clear enough about what I wanted the last time we spoke. <p>This is no doubt my fault; when you called me around this time last year, I tried to be kind, and to not hurt your feelings any more than I already had. I still don't want that. I don't bear you any ill will at all or blame you for anything, and I remain incredibly ashamed and embarrassed for everything that happened between us. But in trying to be kind, I was probably less than clear about what I was thinking regarding contact between us in the future. If so, at the risk of being momentarily unkind, let me set the record straight.<p>I really don't want to hear from you again, whether by e-mail, phone, letters, etc. I don't want to know what's going on in your life, and I don't want you to know what's going on in mine. What happened between us, and what that did to my wife, was the worst thing I've ever done to anyone, ever. Hearing from you, as unfair as this is, just reminds me of that awful thing, of how selfish and mean-spirited I was. It helps neither of us to move past it.<p>Please don't send me any more e-mails, even to include me on things you forward to groups. Take my name out of your address book. Lose my phone number. It'll be better for everyone concerned. <p>I am sorry to have to be this blunt about things, but I don't want there to be any misunderstanding on anyone's part. You can, of course, reply to this e-mail if you wish, but I won't read the reply.<p>Thanks,<p>Taxman

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> You can, of course, reply to this e-mail if you wish, but I won't read the reply. <hr></blockquote><p>NO! NO! NO! You just finished telling her to not contact you again...remove your email address and lose your phone number.<p>The last line CANNOT say that she CAN reply if she wishes!!!! even if you WON'T read it!!!

Taxman: <p>I agree with Susan, you should remove that last line from your email. <p>My H told the OW "never contact me again" and when she called and emailed him she said "I know I am not suppose to contact you". So, if you leave any type of door open, she may try and slip through it. <p>I ended up sending her an email from my email account telling her never to contact my H again. That seemed to do the trick.