Here's the link to my latest thread:<p>www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=018391<p>And my Plan B letter:
Please let me know any suggestions you may have.<p>Dear <Husband>,
Although I've told you this before, I apologize to you again for my part in creating an environment that helped allow your affair with <OW> to be possible. I clearly realize my role and can't come up with the words to express how sorry I am and how much I regret my actions, my attitude, my failure to let you know every day how important you, our marriage and our family were/ are to me.
During the past 2 years, I have been working on making positive changes in myself. I hope that the changes I have made in myself and my actions toward you have convinced you of my love and devotion to you and our family. There has been so much growth in our ability to communicate, both physically and emotionally, with each other. I am determined to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new and better life for both of us that will meet your needs. I have learned alot about myself and where my weaknesses are. I have been working very hard to improve on those weaknesses.
More than anything else in this world, I want you to be a part of my future as my loving husband. I would like to be able to put the mistakes of the past behind us and build a better life together. I want to help create the kind of life for us and our children that is better than we ever dreamed. It won't happen overnight and it will take a lot of work, but I know that we can do it.<p>These past months have been the most emotionally traumatic period of my life. I know that you recognize the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with <OW> and the fact that you have involved her in the lives of our children. Despite the constant pain that I felt, I continued to maintain hope that we would reconcile. I endured this emotional distress because I had one goal in mind, and that was to restore our marriage and our family back to the way it should be.
To preserve and protect what love I have left for you, I must remove myself from the current situation of your continued contact with <OW>. As long as you continue communication with her, we cannot begin to build the wonderful marriage that I know is possible for us both and our beautiful children. I need to be able to trust your ability to avoid doing things that bring me unhappiness, fear and pain. I know that you are taking steps to end the relationship with <OW>. You have asked for time and space to do this in your way, in your time. This is the only way I can do that.
I can no longer meet you under the oak tree, have spend-the-night parties, meet you for lunch at work, have family bar-b-ques, or daily telephone conversations. I do want you to know that these activities have been very important to me and I do feel that we have grown closer because of them. But, that makes the hurt of your continued contact with <OW> that much more intense. I need to have no contact with you unless it is an emergence or involves the kids or finances. I will re-arrange my work schedule so I can pick up <youngest son>. This will eliminate the need for us to see each other every day. If you will plug in your answering machine, most of the communication we need to hve can be through messages.
As soon as you have completely and permanently severed your relationship with <OW>, I would love to talk about our future, and the future of our family that we built with our love. I believe we can rebuild our marriage, and meet each other's emotional needs. We can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. You were my very best friend for such a long time. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I want to spend the rest of my life being your loving wife, and provide you with the love and affection that you deserve. However, this cannot happen as long as <OW> is in the picture.
I hope that you will understand that I am not doing this to hurt you or punish you in any way. I am doing it to protect my feelings for you and any chance of reconciliation in the future. I am not giving up on you. I know that you will find the strength to end your relationship with <OW>. I wish I could be there for you right now, but I simply cannot do it anymore. Please know that I am very proud of you for the insight you have gained recently. I know that is a difficult journey. I am not slamming the door in your face, but this is necessary to keep the door open.
I hope you understand my decision. I am doing it to protect the love that I have left for you, and it is the only way that I can preserve this love for some additional period of time. I do have faith in you.
I Love You,
Me<p>[ June 13, 2002: Message edited by: Cloudy ]<p>[ June 16, 2002: Message edited by: Cloudy ]</p>

Wow cloudy, that was really good. I think it was kind and apologetic, very loving, and very clear. I think it sounds great!

Good job, Cloudy.<p>I have one suggestion. Change this sentence:<p>"As long as you continue communication with her, this does not protect you or our partnership from opportunities to continue your affair, and I will not feel safe."<p>To:<p>"As long as you continue communication with her, we cannot begin to build the wonderful marriage that I know is possible for us both and our beautiful children."<p>But this is just a tweek.

h4f- thanks for the feedback. I've been working on this letter for a long time.<p>WAT- thank you too. Your insight and advice always appreciated.<p>Other suggestions?

Cloudy:<p>Since I read your other thread yesterday, I'll just chime in here now and say I think you wrote a beautiful, loving plan B letter!<p>All my best,

Cloudy - what's your current plan?<p>Do you think you can stick to it - Plan B that is?<p>With him saying that he wants to work on the marriage, but not willing to give up OW yet, can you resist further, hollow gestures? I expect he'll try real hard to return to the status quo and get you to crumble. Can you be firm?<p>WAT

I think it was a great plan B letter. It must have taken a lot of courage to write it. Good for you! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Layli

Cloudy,<p>Here are some thoughts -<p>Would you want WH to contact Steve or Jenifer Harley? They can often be better judges of WH's sincerity and willingness to take the right action. So many are us are fooled by false recoveries. What plan do you want to have in place in order for him to come back?<p>"I endured this emotional distress because I had one goal in mind, and that was to restore our marriage and our family back to the way it should be." Cloudy -consider changing "should be" <p>God Bless,<p>D.

I'm not sure what my current plan is. I have an appointment with Steve Harley Monday morning- I will hang on to the letter until then and see what he advises.<p>H and OW must have had a fight- this usually results in them not speaking for a few days. H has been quiet and moody since Wednesday. H may even have ended it then. This has happened several times in the past 2 or 3 weeks. He tells me that he doesn't want it to end with a fight- he wants a rational discussion. So, if he did end it, he may go back and try to have that discussion. And for whatever reason, he wants to help her move into her house. And he's not even sure if she's moving this weekend.<p>So, I'll talk to Steve and see what he says.<p>And I will ask him to talk to Steve the next time he tells me he wants to move back home. He has turned in his notice on his house- will be out by the end of July. <p>I do realize that he may try very hard to maintain the status quo- I will have to firm in maintaining Plan B if that's where we end up- or having a plan for recovery if that's the way it goes.<p>Thanks for all of your support and advice.

Cloudy - one more thought on your letter. You should consider being a bit more specific on how you want to interact regarding the kids. This is the toughest part of Plan B, IMHO.<p>Here's an excerpt from my Plan B letter as an example, but this may have been a bit too cold:<p>"Please only initiate communication with me that is absolutely necessary and then only via e-mail or voice mail. <Son> or <au pair> will answer the phone if you call. Of course, in case of an emergency, I will suspend this request. I realize <son's> needs may require direct contact from time to time, but I will minimize this and I ask you to do the same. I ask you not to enter our house. On occasions when you come to pick up <son>, please call ahead and remain outside when you arrive."<p>WAT

H was off today. He called this afternoon- asked me to give him through Monday night to end the A. He said that she's supposed to be moving this weekend, he took Monday off work to help her move. They did have a fight Tuesday and he had not talked to her again until today. He apparently did not offer to help her move, but is planning on being available if she calls him for help. If they can find time to talk about things, he will talk to her, but when he gets off work on Tuesday, he's changing his home and cell phone numbers and will have no further contact with her. He still says he doesn't really want it to end with a fight, that leaves the door open for her to think they just had a fight. He wants her to know that he has thought long and hard about this and not blame it on a fight and think that they will make up in a few days.<p>As much as I want him to do a no contact letter, he's just not open to that now. I don't think he's even planning on telling her that we are getting back together- thinks it would be a slap in her face, since that is her greatest fear. I really want her to know!<p>So, again, I'll wait to see what Steve says on Monday.<p>[ June 15, 2002: Message edited by: Cloudy ]</p>

I'm not real sure what do put in the letter about the kids. He has no real schedule for seeing them- he calls when he wants to see them or they call him- it's very spontaneous. Daughter does not like to go to his house. Son seems to change in spurts- he will want to see him every day for a week or so, then will only see him if he comes here. Both kids would rather see their Dad here at my house. So, I'm not sure what to do about that one. I guess we will have to work out a schedule.<p>Another issue- H has 2 cars here- is planning to repair one of them for step-daughter, not sure what his plans are for the other one. They are here because he cannot have them at his rented house. We have a garage here that still has most of H's tools and such. H just sort of shows up here, sometimes without warning to work on the car. Should I let this continue and just stay in the house when he is here, or should I tell him to make other arrangements? Or- I could tell him when I'm not going to be home and let him work on the car then?<p>He called me last night and I saw him at step-son's auto race- he was very concerned and attentive. He said they're not finished moving, but did get a lot done. Made a point to tell me that he was mostly with OW's daughter's boyfriend-no alone time with OW. He said he did have a few pangs of guilt when he went to the storage building, seeing all the kids toys and stuff, thinking about why they were there in storage and what part he played in them being there. But, he said it didn't last long- OW is getting what she said she wanted- a new start in a new house with her kids.

Update from conversation with Steve H. this morning:<p>H is processing the A, coming out of the fog, but addiction is still there and will be until contact with OW is cut. Probable reason for H wanting to make sure OW gets moved into her new house is to alleviate his guilt. He feels that he pulled her away from her home with his promises which he now will not keep. If he makes sure she gets settled into another home, he is no longer responsible for her success or failure.<p>Same kind of logic with regard to my H's sense of responsibility to help her repair her relationships with her kids and other family. They're having problems because of his relationship with OW- if he can help her repair that and then get out of her life, again, the responsibility shifts.<p>Even though this stuff hurts me, it is a good sign that he is trusting me with this stuff. He feels an urgency to do this with her, while he feels that our relationship is safe. Makes me feel like a doormat, but Steve says that a doormat indicates that H has no price to pay- and he is paying heavily- through all of the problems that he is having with his kids and finances and loss of self respect and all of other stuff that goes along with an affair.<p>Though until it's actually done, it really could go either way, H is saying things that indicate that he is truly coming out of the fog. So, my plan remains unchanged.<p>If he ends his A today, I will be supportive and encouraging but not patronizing. I will invite him to get away with me, I will invite him to join me and the kids for family related activities, but will respect his need to be alone if that's what he says he needs.<p>If he doesn't end it today but still states a desire to do so, I will keep doing what I've been doing for a little longer.<p>Should he state an indication that he is not going to end it or doesn't know when he will, then another call with Steve and probably Plan B.<p>So, please say a little prayer that he manages to end it today!

Hi Cloudy - Follow Steve's advice and don't be in a hurry, IMHO. Did you talk with Steve about how to handle stuff like him having his tools, etc. at your home if you go to Plan B?<p>It's sounds to me like you're doing well and processing all this rationally. Remember, you have your wits about you and you always have one eye in the mirror like normal earthlings, i.e., the alien abductees can't "see" themselves and thus, can't evaluate their own behavior critically.<p>I think the best advice I can offer at the moment is to go slow. If you're not sure about doing something, don't do it. Time is on your side.<p>WAT