I was just wondering since our situations are so similar. WH is still planning on moving to Washington. We both work for the IRS. ( Sorry I just open the mail) He has been looking for a transfer up there. Is this the fog? He seems to think that he is thinking so clearly. (For the first time, the whole starting his future fresh, making a fresh start thing) I have gone back and read all your posts. It took me 2 days. LOL. Should I panic over this or just realize it is the fog? Please help.
Thanks,
Layli

Bumping this up for [H]. <p>Hey knewjie, is your H available to post? [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>L.

I hope so. I'm starting to fray at the edges a bit. Trying to stay positive. It's like big warning signs LB's ahead.
Thanks,
Layli

Layli and L.,<p>I have sent [H] and email telling him about this thread. I'll see if he's available to respond. <p>Until then, hand in there!<p>K

Just a little addition. Last night we had another great night. Stayed up late playing games, etc. Made love twice and talked until way after daylight about work, etc. I think the thing that is bothering me is on the surface he seems to be letting me fill his EN. Maybe after our talk that I posted on My husbands internet affair the saga continues, it made him see some things. The last d-day we had, we went to counseling and I suffered for 3 months. Finally one day I broke down in tears and asked if we were going to be allright. He assured me we were and things have gone smoothly from there until recent d-day. When I found out about EA, I found an email he sent a friend, I think the OW who was just a friend at the time. He said he felt like he did a really bad thing because he told me we were going to be all right and it wasn't true. He just said it to relieve the pressure off of me. No emails after that that anything was amiss for awhile, then they started up again last fall. I don't know what to make of it and I need someone who is outside so to speak to give advice. I am trying to be as brutally hinest about everything as I can so you can get the clearest picture possible.
Thanks for listening,
Layli

Just another addition. Sorry if I am too windy. I read his aim to OW last night and he was talking about moving up there, how he needs to apply by the 24th. Waiting for his mom to get home to fill out application. He was also talking about being diagnosed with add 2 years ago. News to me. He said he forgot a lot of how he fell in love with me. Between the add and the car accident. So a lot of how he fell in love with me is gone. But how he met her online 5 months after car accident and he remembers all the great times with her. Instead of listening she just cracked jokes and wasn't very sympathetic. Just kept saying how he needed to get up there. He also mentioned a dream he had wed night about a childhood friend who was excited that he was being adopted by his step dad and his dream involved WH adopting her young daughter. (Who's father could be an old boyfriend who supposedly raped her or her ex husband) She is a major drama queen. So what do I do about all this? Keep plan a-ing or do you think he will ever notice?
Thanks,
layli

I will post another addition. just 2 things.
1# I don't believe a car accident can give you add. Is this correct?
2# Him saying why htings aren't working out that we argue too much. that happened before the wreck. Yet he can only remember the good times he has had since playing with OW 5 months after the wreck. Is this the fog?
Thanks,
Layli

I will post another addition. just 2 things.
1# I don't believe a car accident can give you add. Is this correct?
2# Him saying why htings aren't working out that we argue too much. that happened before the wreck. Yet he can only remember the good times he has had since playing with OW 5 months after the wreck. Is this the fog?
Thanks,
Layli

He has been looking for a transfer up there. Is this the fog? He seems to think that he is thinking so clearly. (For the first time, the whole starting his future fresh, making a fresh start thing)
<p>Let's see here. Pretty typical fog type activity. "Thinking clearly for the first time" Thats pretty much a standard train of thought. Believe this stems from the "Goes along with the living the dream thoughts"<p>Starting your future fresh is reactionary thinking to causing the hurt, a typical atleast in my thoughts reaction to getting away from the current situation of hurting someone and hopefully the farther you are away from them, the better everyone will be. Out of sight, out of mind type thing. Trouble is it's only a great plan in a clouded mind, but in reality it's pretty difficult achieve.<p>Not really sure what to say overall, been there thought that, tried that. My past actions somewhat mirror your husbands at this point. So I would be a little concerned he might get transfered up there.<p>I personally didn't have an oppertunity to "Transfer" so it's going to be easier I assume for your husband to get his "new start" then it was for me. None the less it didn't stop me from trying. Especially when motivated by getting away from my hurting wife, and heading the comforts of the OW.<p>The short of it? Well... I wouldn't worry a ton about it, it's going to be difficult no matter what he does, or where he goes to get a "Fresh Start" its more or less just a clouded mind trying to get away from someone he's hurting.

add 2 years ago. News to me. He said he forgot a lot of how he fell in love with me. Between the add and the car accident.
<p>Uh... My little brother has A.D.D. and it's not caused by car accidents, and is diagnosed at a young age by a chemical deficient, as you get older the chemicals you require to keep your mind focused and balanced are more pronounced so it's a rarity to have A.D.D. when your older.<p>I don't personally remember reading or hearing about anyone who's past thier 20's who requires medication for A.D.D. since passing adolesence it becomes more so balanced and obsolete. <p>I guess in short what I wanted to say is, kids are just about the only folks prone to A.D.D. not adults [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Aside from that, it's not a laughing matter, typical A.D.D. like my brother who's 7 expierence hyperactivity, and and problems sitting still for more then minutes at a time. Even playing games which are his favorite, has a hard time just sitting still, and focusing on the game. He's very loud, throws extreme temper tantrums. It's typical for all 7-8 year olds sure, kids are gonna be kids, but this is good percent of the time and for what seems no big deal.<p>Anyhow... Theres a lot more to diagnosing it, but I would say the mass majority of kids out there on ridlin right now, don't even have A.D.D. simply parents and people pointing the finger quickly, and handing out medication.

So should I just stick to the plan A but brace myself for his eventual departure?
I guess that is what I have been doing. I know nothing will stop him. I just wish he would have told me what he needed. I feel like this is all a little too late. If I thought I was meeting his needs and making him happy for 2 years and I wasn't, it just seems like I am trying to solve a puzzle without the pieces. I guess I need to remember what he told me. We were over long before the A in his eyes. On the surface, buying house, planning family. I guess I was just too srupid to realize and probably didn't see things that were my fault. I was pretty mean to him the first 2 years we were together. I guess this is just my punishment.
Layli

2# Him saying why htings aren't working out that we argue too much. that happened before the wreck. Yet he can only remember the good times he has had since playing with OW 5 months after the wreck. Is this the fog?
<p>You don't even need me to respond. You're catching on quickly, and answering your own questions. This is all typical fog type crap.<p>Makes tons of sense to the clouded mind, and none to everyone else.<p>[ June 16, 2002: Message edited by: [H] ]</p>

So should I just stick to the plan A but brace myself for his eventual departure?
I guess that is what I have been doing. I know nothing will stop him. I just wish he would have told me what he needed. I feel like this is all a little too late. If I thought I was meeting his needs and making him happy for 2 years and I wasn't, it just seems like I am trying to solve a puzzle without the pieces. I guess I need to remember what he told me. We were over long before the A in his eyes. On the surface, buying house, planning family. I guess I was just too srupid to realize and probably didn't see things that were my fault. I was pretty mean to him the first 2 years we were together. I guess this is just my punishment.
<p>Well, firstly it's never to late for anything. Take Knewjie and I for example. She filed for divorce, and was in the process of getting me the paper work.<p>Stick to Plan A, and talk with the harleys, they've got a world of ideas and knowledge to go with the "what should I do now stage" your in.<p>You don't need to solve the entire puzzle to see the whole picture, stick with putting together your pieces of it. Don't worry about what pieces your husband has. Just continue to put your part of it together.<p>The line "We were over long before the [A]" is fog speak. I said something like that myself. So I wouldn't put to much "thought" into that myself. I know it's tough, I dropped by a few times here to read about knewjie, during my [A]it's difficult for me now to even say the words "my affair" because it still causes some pain to my wife, and me. <p>I was the last person in the world I would have thought would have been involved in an [A] it's totally unlike me, but it happens, and it snowballs fast. Soon it's out of your control and everyones control, but regardless of who's in control lies, and building a relationship on lies never works. I lied plenty to OW and Knewjie, I would say at times it was almost equal.<p>I couldn't keep anything straight, and i worked in more lies on top of the crumbling ones, in the end it really didn't matter, If I had wanted to truely leave, or wanted something different K and I would have gotten a divorce and had many problems long before the OW came along. So.. It's typical crap to say in justification "We were over long before she came in the picture" when it simply doesn't hold any weight.<p>As far as not seeing your faults before it was "to late" you can certainly change your faults now. I would work on correcting those things regardless. We've all got our problems, and it's an equal share in any relationship, but know this, you can almost guarntee his relationship will fail with OW. It won't matter how hard he tries to fix this or that, he's dragging everyone into a no win situation.<p>So the best thing he can do, "Which i doubt he will soon" is cut his losses, realize it's all been the biggest lie of it all "Soulmates, Living the Dream" all that jazz is a huge lie you try and keep alive because it seemed "For the first time your happy" Nah.. It's all crap, she just happened to fill his top EN's at times, and that was it.<p>Anyhow, don't loose hope on the situation theres plenty of oppertunity and time to make things happen. Definately give the harleys a call...<p>[ June 16, 2002: Message edited by: [H] ]</p>

Re ADD. Actually quite a few children do not outgrow ADD. My daughter's doctor follows 125 adult patients- he says about 30% do not outgrow it. <p>Some people learn coping mechanisms to compensate for their ADD. I believe my H has ADD, but he has developed coping mechanisms for it. However he might benefit from treatment. He's thinking about it. His family has alot of ADD. My FIL, my niece and possibly my SIL.<p>ADD is a true condition. My daughter has it, my oldest son does not. I believe my youngest son does not. My daughter is different. She has behavior that is distinctly different. Ritalin has changed her life (for the better). She went from C's to B's and A's. She just can not focus and process information off Ritalin. She was developing very low self esteem. Ritalin has been a miracle drug for her.

Thanks for your posts H. I am sure this must be a trip for you and knewjie considering what you guys went through. OW sent him a card today and I guess he is happy to be on the merry go round. Sorry for my little pity party. I just get down sometimes. I will try to stay upbeat. Any input from you and Knewjie is hugely appreciated.
Thanks so much!
Layli

You know, something just occured to me and I am not sure it has any relevance. Is there any chance that by doing the plan a thing. Being happy, cheerful etc. the WH might think" See she is happier now that we are going to get divorced."
I know that probably makes no sense because if us BS are telling them we are happy because we want to work on marriage and believe in it then that would negate that statement.
Any thoughts or am I just that tired?LOL
Thanks
Layli